I feel like a hypocrite and it scares me

subscribing as there is useful advice in this thread

grandvizier1006: I'd forgotten, until I looked back at some of your earlier posts, that you have AS and OCD. That adds an extra layer of challenge to your situation.

Have you had any jobs before, in high school or in college? If not, you might start with a part-time job or a temporary job (summer job, internship, etc), just to get some experience. The experience of having some successes in a short-term / part-time job might help alleviate your anxiety as you look ahead to having a full-time job in the future.

I'd say welcome to being a christian. We all have out sins that are stronger than others. For some its hypocrisy, for others its pride, for others its lust...etc. Though I think we also have small forms of some sins too. I sometimes can be a hypocrite.

It doesn't excuse it of course but we need to always work on trying not to be these things. Its not easy though. For some they may never fully change. These are flawed bodies.

grandvizier1006 said:

A number of things, but the biggest one is anxiety. I'm scared of making a mistake. If I try driving again, I could die in a car wreck or render myself paralyzed, thus limiting my options. If I try and get a job, it could turn out to be horrible and I could get stuck in it. Also, I don't really know how to live on my own. I understand there are bills to pay and maintain, but I'm not familiar with all of them. I just know there are a ton and so finding a job that would pay them could be difficult. Should I have learned? Should my parents have taught me? I don't know, I guess I was just supposed to figure it out at some point. But I didn't. Anxiety scares me into doing nothing because doing nothing is the safest option.

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I advise you to get psychological help. I did for my major depression and found it very helpful. Find a good therapist who will help you get to the bottom of your anxieties, with which you have magnified to paralyze your life. My unconscious mind harbored my unconscious anger and anxieties, and a therapist helped me uncover them. Then, I unloaded my anger and anxieties on God in persistent prayers for several months until he gave me his "peace that transcends understanding" (Philippians 4:6, 7) that has lasted more than 32 years. You are now on my prayer list.

Try to take baby steps and keep taking baby steps until you get there. Driving terrifies me too. I didn’t get my license until I was 24 and after failing the behind the wheel test 4 or 5 times can’t remember the exact number. Start off small with driving like with your parents to familiar places that are close to home. Do it several times. Eventually try to make it to the freeway while with your parents. Eventually try to go to unfamiliar places while with your parents. Eventually you’ll have to take a leap and drive by yourself but start out in the familiar and close places. Then try the freeway and then eventually unfamiliar places. I’m still scared of driving in cities but I’m hoping I’ll wventually do it. I’ve been driving by myself on the freeways and familiar places for a couple of years now. I still need to drive in cities so when I get time I’ll try to grab my parents and drive in cities even though I’ve already been driving new places by myself in areas that aren’t as congested. The more hours you spend on the road the more the fear starts to slowly lessen.

When I first started driving I was also afraid of death or paralysis. So I prayed every time before driving for the first six months for God to forgive me and let into heaven if I were to die that day, mentally prepared myself to let go and be prepared to die and then I got in the car and started driving. So I dealt with the fear of dying by praying. Life is all about risk. Even if you’re hiding at home you’re still taking a risk of missed opportunities. No where is truly safe. I could die tomorrow and if it’s Gods will nothing can stop it.

As far as paralysis I just was so sick of feeling embarrassed about not being able to drive at my age and being a burden to my family everytime I tried to go somewhere that I decided to take the plunge also. It is a risk but everything’s a risk. If you depend on your parents you eventually risk homelessness when you are older because they probably won’t always be around to take care of you.

As far as a job maybe search for ones that are near public transit. If you can’t find a job near public transit then look for volunteer opportunities nearby. Honestly the longer you are out of college and you’re doing nothing the worse it looks to employers. If you can’t find a job then make sure to volunteer somewhere. There are even some virtual opportunities to volunteer but there are far fewer of those. Try looking at volunteermatch.com or idealist.org.

You don’t have to move out of your parents house right away. Personally I have a job lined up after I graduate and will be living with my parents at the same time because I’m still not ready to be out on my own yet.

grandvizier1006 said:

I've unfortunately not had a job. The closest thing was one summer I helped my grandfather at his business for a few weeks. It never became a regular thing but I did get one paycheck. I've put something like that on my resume but I understand that most employers don't care about anything you did in high school, just college and onward. I took my classes and made decent grades in college, but I wasn't involved in anything in an official capacity.

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Hey grandvisier1006,

How about taking in some grace giving yourself a break (meaning dont be so hard on yourself)? God has.

grandvizier1006 said:

I graduated college back in December. For the past few months I've been sitting around doing very little and I understand that I need a job. I have issues with being lazy, porn, etc. All typical stuff young men my age have issues with when they have too much free time. I've been having trouble getting to bed and waking up at reasonable hours. This is a problem I've had whenever there were periods in my life without anything to do.

I feel like I'm letting God down and he's disappointed in me because I'm not doing anything that indicates I'm a Christian. I haven't been going to church (too lazy, scared of driving, the only church I can go to is incredibly crowded and I'd have to go with my parents). I sometimes wonder if I were to die, right now, would God say I deserve Hell because I've done very little to glorify Him?

The reason why I am calling myself a hypocrite is because my twin brother is an atheist. But he at the very least has a job and is getting into a graduate school. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, by contrast. I can't say that I'm doing well or living a godly life while my brother isn't just because I believe and he doesn't when he's the one that's actually doing things and I struggle with sin and wasting my time. How should I feel about all this? Guilty? Forgiven? Ashamed?

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Well, comparison is the thief of joy. When you compare yourself to others, you will most likely be one of two things. You will be better than them which is pride. Or, you will be worse than them, which is self-condemnation. Both of which are not of God. Plus, based on what you say about your life, you probably are asking yourself if you have the wrong God because your life isn't where you think it should be. Again, I believe that is because you are expecting something from God He has not promised to give you and missing out on what He has already given to you through your faith in Jesus Christ. While there are anecdotal scriptures one could use to encourage themselves to believe that God promises a life of maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain, they are usually conditional on one living an impossible life that they cannot live and God doesn't expect them to live in the first place. Thus, you end up failing repeatedly and feeling like a guilty, unforgiven, and ashamed hypocrite, who is trapped in sin. The only way out, in my opinion, is to ask the Lord to reteach you His truths, starting with a full understanding of the Gospel and then moving on to a study of your identity in Christ. You will have to be patient as this will take some time as you unlearn a lot of teaching that has led you to the crisis of faith you are currently experiencing. But, I ask you to trust God knowing that He is not ashamed of you, you are forgiven, and you have been cleansed of a guilty conscience. If you want a place to start, may I suggest listening to this free teaching on the Gospel and going from there? Everything will be okay. God is patient with you and will walk with you through this process. Grace and peace to you in your journey to grow in the grace and knowledge of our God and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Living God Ministries - The Gospel

Your pair of replies to me suggests some interesting possibilities -- especially for someone who's a bit wary of social situations where you have to interact with strangers.

grandvizier1006 said:

I've unfortunately not had a job. The closest thing was one summer I helped my grandfather at his business for a few weeks. It never became a regular thing but I did get one paycheck.

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Many people get jobs through "networking" like this: they know someone who has a business, or who works for a company, and that connection moves their resume to the top of the pile. Does your grandfather still have work that you could do, for a paycheck? Even if it's an entry-level job, like working a cash register or putting merchandise onto store shelves, it's a good, solid start on a resume, and it gives you real-world job experience. A job with your grandfather's business could keep you financially afloat for now, as you mention here:

grandvizier1006 said:

If it helps, I majored in creative writing. I considered going to a graduate school to get a Master's or PHD in that field, but I've found out from my former professor while I was in college that it's mainly for those who intend to teach in that subject. My aim is more to be an author and get some novels published. I don't think I'm qualified or capable of teaching. So at the moment I'm looking at jobs that I could potentially do well in to keep myself financially afloat (and hopefully later independent) before I write something that sells well.

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Creative writing sounds like a really good choice. The other people with AS that I know are really talented in their field, but are uncomfortable in many social situations. Creative writing is often done in an isolated environment -- you alone with your word processor -- so that could be a good fit for you. (I teach computer science, and software development is a similarly solitary activity; a number of my students have AS, and software development has been a good career choice for them.)

I recommend trying this: Every single day, set aside an hour or two to write. If you can, disconnect yourself from the Internet for that hour. Write with pencil and paper, or write using Word on a laptop with the network connection turned off. Or, if you must use an Internet-connected computer, close all the windows except the one that you're writing in. Then write. What you write doesn't have to be perfect, but get something written down -- a poem, or part of a story, or whatever kind of writing you like to do. This is your part-time job now, to write every single day.

All those negative emotions you're wrestling with? Fold them into your writing. Write about a character who feels afraid, or guilty, or worried, or whatever. That's some great stuff to work with.

I'm assuming that you're able to get a job with your grandfather's company. If you don't manage to get a paying job, then make writing your full-time job. Instead of writing for an hour or two, write for 6 or 8 hours every day. No Internet. Write that novel that you've been wanting to write.

Let us know when the novel is done. I want to buy a copy.