I Feel Bitter

[msjones21]

This really doesn't have much to do with being single...well, in a way it does. I'm feeling so torn up inside about everything right now and I'm afraid of slipping back into the deep depression that I very recently came out of. I wanted to sleep all of the time, I hated being around everybody (including my family). There wasn't a minute of the day that I didn't think about taking my life. I would be constantly looking at everything around me and wonder "could I drive my car into this tree" or "would this knife sufficiently cut my wrists?" I hated that life! I was empty, merely existing on this earth.

Then when I came back to Christ in November I was so full of hope and happiness. I had my life all mapped out. No dating, no drinking, no smoking, no sex, no kissing, no listening to secular music, etc. I did pretty well the first month or so. I met someone I thought was really special and he made me want to strive to be a better Christian. And then something happened...he ditched me, like all of the guys from my past who had hurt me and bruised my soul over and over again. I went back to not caring any more. I'm scared because I wonder if being with him was the only thing motivating me to be a better Christian. Now I'm bitter. I can't stand reading stories about people who are in love, because I can't relate. I can't tolerate listening to people's relationship problems, because I can't relate. I don't even go to church any more because I'm so ashamed of the person I've gone back to being.

This past weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back. I got an instant message from a guy I dated back in my wild days. We had a wonderful three month relationship from July until the beginning of October and then I got "the call". I knew something was wrong. I knew he was going to break up with me. I stayed strong on the phone and pretended I was cool with it when inside it was tearing me up. It wasn't so much that I knew I was going to marry this guy, but just being around him made me feel good, almost euphoric. When we got off the phone I tried to cry, but I couldn't. I didn't know how to anymore and I still don't. It's like I want to cry so bad, but I can't. The last time I cried was when the last guy I was with (the one who made me want to be a better Christian) ditched me.

Anyway, this guy from my past started chatting with me and we had a great conversation. Then he called me later Saturday night asking me out. I accepted, out of boredom, and he picked me up at my apartment. We went to Waffle House (only place open at 1am) and then walked around the beach near my apartment. We had a wonderful time. So later on that night (or should I say, early morning) we went back to my apartment and watched TV. We ended up falling asleep cuddled up to one another. The next morning I couldn't wait to get him out of my apartment and all yesterday I was plagued by guilt and confusion. I really like this guy but I also know that A) He's not a Christiand and B) He will never make a commitment to any woman. He's content with it just being him and his cat. I'm so tired of allowing myself to be used. I'm always being treated as a doormat. I'm the girl the guys want to hang out with because I'm fun. I'm the one they come to when their girlfriends hurt them because I'm a good listener. I'm the one they come to when they want to use someone for sex because I used to be promiscuous (even though I have maintained my sexual purity since November).

I don't know what to do. I haven't even prayed about this because I'm afraid. I'm so afraid that if I pray and God doesn't answer my prayers that I'll lose faith again. I just feel like I'm totally losing it again and I'm so scared. Please me.

 

[JunkYardFrog]

Hello again MsJones,

After our puzzling conversation in the "Passion" thread I decided I needed to find out more about what motivates you. What you are asking for in this thread goes beyond what most message boards can provide. You clearly have suffered some trauma. God can heal you, but right now it sounds like you need some immediate attention from a solid person in real life.

Do you have a pastor, or a counselor, that you can contact?

 

[klewlis]

hey,

sorry to hear that you're going through this rough time.

Whatever you do, don't stop going to church, or at least don't stop associating with vibrant christians. you need that most at a time when you are feeling weak.

It's really important to understand that sometimes faith is a choice. You have to make the decision to keep plugging even when it hurts, and even when it feels like God is not answering your prayers. This is really tough to do, but not impossible. Keep searching the Bible for answers, and don't be afraid to talk to God about it.

Find things that inspire you--devotional or inspirational books, music, people, activities, etc. I especially recommend reading testimonies of famous Christians--for example, Bunyan's "Grace Abounding" or CS Lewis' "Surprised by Joy". Another book I really appreciate is Philip Yancey's "Reaching for the Invisible God".

If you can, go on a private retreat, where you can focus on God, prayer, the Bible, reading, etc. I don't know how it is where you live, but around here you can sometimes find monasteries that let people visit for a couple of days for this purpose. It will give you a chance to find refreshment and rest, and to wrestle through your issues with God. If you can't go for a full retreat, at least go find a local cathedral where you can spend some time praying--I say a cathedral rather than just any church because the buildings themselves are designed to inspire, to lift your eyes and heart up to God--and it really works. Or go outside into nature.

Talk to a trusted Christian friend, and have them pray for you.

The point is to feed your spirit, and take some time out to rest and talk to God.

God is faithful, and he *will* pick you up. He will not abandon you, even if it feels like it now. You are a daughter of the King, and he loves you and will rescue you.

 

[LifeInYou]

http://home.att.net/~spindiva5/article.html

 

[stray bullet]

That sucks, too often Christians can easily be distracted by something they shouldn't be involved with to fill a gap that is painful to leave open. This is one of those times to approach the situation logically, to see it as a substitute, a temporary fix that will only lead to more pain.

Were you really happy in the past? Were your emotional needs met? As Christians, sometimes all we can do is see that the short term benefits pale in comparison to the long term benefits.

Learning from our mistakes can be very difficult.

 

[Breetai]

...he ditched me, like all of the guys from my past who had hurt me and bruised my soul over and over again...I can't stand reading stories about people who are in love, because I can't relate. I can't tolerate listening to people's relationship problems, because I can't relate.

Jenn, I know exactly how you feel. All to well. I feel the very same. I even had an ex 'friend' call me about a week ago to go party with her(you know what that means). I didn't go, but believe me, I was tempted! Even if you haven't prayed to God about this, I have. God knows your problems, your fears, your temptations. He knows more about you then you know about you.

 

[Lia]

at msjones21!

I pray and hope that you would press on and not give up because of the circumstances you feel now. God loves you and you are precious to Him (Isaiah 43:1-7).

I know it must be hard to let go of the pains you feel inside because of past hurt. I can totally relate and I feel the same sometimes because of some events happened to me. I too, in the past have dated guys that break my heart big time. But don't be discouraged! There is hope, much grace, love and blessings from God awaits you in the future. He has His perfect plans already laid out for you. See beyond the struggle you have now and by His power, do the things that you need to do to level yourself up to His wills in your life. I believe that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

We might fall over and over again. God is just but He is also God of many chances... we stumble but get up again. Don't let the evil one control your fear and try to tell you that God doesn't answer your prayers. Don't lose faith but keep your eyes fixed at the cross, instead. I remind myself a lot about what Jesus has done for me on the cross everytime I feel down. God loves me so much that He died for me and I am precious for him, that brings me hope. I now can proceed slowly, step by step, in confidence in future grace because of the Cross...regardless of my past. God is my strength, my identity, my everything.

I'm sure that the same God who loves me and cares for me, will do the same for you, my friend!

Much grace to you!
Lia

 

[Mr.Cheese]

*hug*

You've got a lot of things in your past that you are dealing with.
Committing yourself to new behavior is only part of things. Removing things from your life and your heart involve well, something like them having to be ripped out of you, and there is no easy way to go about it but just living it out. Often it is much easier to return to the way things were.

I tell a lot of people that maybe you should stay single until you are cool with being single. Or until you've worked out the things inside you that need working out.
That didn't all come out well, but hopefully it makes sense.

 

[Periann]

Besides echoing what others have been saying, I will say this: faith isn't a feeling. It is something that you have to consciously choose to do (like Klewlis said). Like you choose to believe that when you pray, God will hear and answer you. My pastor said once that the fruit of faith is expectancy. Although I haven't had relationships problems (because Ive never been in one) I can relate to the feeling about being afraid that God might not answer. But trust me, He will-just pray about it, and expect an answer! It might not be according to your timeline or your way at looking at things, but some time down the road you will look back and see this as one of those bumpy spots before the smooth. I hope you go back to attending your church, and maybe you should wait on the relationship thing, because it sounds like you are still dealing with stuff from your past. I hope it works out for you!