I fear it's getting too physical.. Please help!

[KGirl]

My fiance and I are freakishly alike. We both have this thing, where if you know someone for a long time, it's harder to bring up things to talk about, but also, we're both people that find it easier to talk about things that are brought up rather then coming up with them.

Anyway, him and I have a hard time talking. We talked easily in the beginning, but it seems like most of the time we struggle to come up with conversation. What do you have if you have no communication? I also feel like I'm the one that mostly comes up with things.
We've talked about these issues, and know we have a problem talking.. We've been getting a little better..

Also, we've been alot more physical lately. We'd often kissed alot, but it's progressed a bit, and we're trying to figure out how to control things.

I said something about us spending too much time alone, and or too much time doing nothing.

Any ideas? Please help.. I want to improve things alot before thinking further about marriage.

We both decided that we're waiting until marriage for sex, though at this rate who knows where it would lead!

Also, we have pretty much everything else all good. We have fun together and joke around (though not many regular conversations going). We have serious discussions now and then (the problem is it's mostly about the same stuff). We listen well to each other's needs, and have unselfish love, and are both good Christians who strive to bring each other up and have in many cases.

 

[BarbB]

It does sound as though you spend too much time alone. Try physical activities together. Do NOT drink together, or at all if you can help it. And pray for help!

God bless you!

And a big welcome to CF!!!!

 

[KGirl]

Thanks.. Any ideas of activities?

 

[BarbB]

Thanks.. Any ideas of activities?

Oh, I was afraid you would ask that KGirl! I am soooo unathletic! Do you live where there are winter sports. I'm thinking of physically tiring stuff, like skiing, ice skating, where when you're done, you want to go to sleep! HA HA. 100 sets of tennis, 10 miles of laps in a pool.

Other stuff would be group activities like bowling, going out to eat with your friends, stuff like that.

The reason I recommend no drinking is that I used drink as an excuse when I was young and I regret that sooooo much!

I hope other posters have better ideas!

 

[KGirl]

Well, we don't have much money to spend on activities like that, though I could only think of walking or something?

 

[KGirl]

I dunno if I worded it like this, but mainly, how can we keep from going as far as we have when we kiss? Can we still kiss?

 

[ReUsAbLePhEoNiX]

My fiance and I are freakishly alike. We both have this thing, where if you know someone for a long time, it's harder to bring up things to talk about, but also, we're both people that find it easier to talk about things that are brought up rather then coming up with them.

Anyway, him and I have a hard time talking. We talked easily in the beginning, but it seems like most of the time we struggle to come up with conversation. What do you have if you have no communication? I also feel like I'm the one that mostly comes up with things.
We've talked about these issues, and know we have a problem talking.. We've been getting a little better..

Also, we've been alot more physical lately. We'd often kissed alot, but it's progressed a bit, and we're trying to figure out how to control things.

I said something about us spending too much time alone, and or too much time doing nothing.

Any ideas? Please help.. I want to improve things alot before thinking further about marriage.

We both decided that we're waiting until marriage for sex, though at this rate who knows where it would lead!

Also, we have pretty much everything else all good. We have fun together and joke around (though not many regular conversations going). We have serious discussions now and then (the problem is it's mostly about the same stuff). We listen well to each other's needs, and have unselfish love, and are both good Christians who strive to bring each other up and have in many cases.

Live together as roomates/lovers,with the option of seeing other people, have seperate accounts, no kids, split the bills in half
determine in a few years if you want to make a stronger commitment. Better than to marry and later regret it.

Its Important during this time to find out if your personal goals in life are compatible with each others.


From personal experience, after 2 years of dateing my wife, we started to run out of things to talk about, and spending alot of time together. so in the natural course of things that when we started focusing on the physical aspect...It was fun, we got married , living happily ever after. I dont see "running out of things to talk about" as a indication that something is wrong in the relationship. Some days My wife and I will not talk to each other if theres nothing intersting to say, some days the opposite...its all good...

If you find yourselves running out of topics to talk about....well sex is good for stimulating conversation

 

[Adam_for_Christ]

Thanks.. Any ideas of activities?

spin the bottle?

 

[KGirl]

Um, I think the dating thing is a bad idea.. See, we know that we'd get back together, and if we're dating someone else, it would cause pain to leave them and be with each other, weither it be our pain or theirs or whatever, breaking up is often hard for anyone..
I had dated other guys and I dated him some off and on, but I fell in love with him while he loved me all along and I decided I was gonna stay with him and only him.
Also, we don't have the money for moving in together. He's also going into the Navy, so he wouldn't be saving the money for some quick move in, and he'll be prepared for them to pay for housing when we marry and he's in it.

 

[ReUsAbLePhEoNiX]

Um, I think the dating thing is a bad idea.. See, we know that we'd get back together, and if we're dating someone else, it would cause pain to leave them and be with each other, weither it be our pain or theirs or whatever, breaking up is often hard for anyone..
I had dated other guys and I dated him some off and on, but I fell in love with him while he loved me all along and I decided I was gonna stay with him and only him.
Also, we don't have the money for moving in together. He's also going into the Navy, so he wouldn't be saving the money for some quick move in, and he'll be prepared for them to pay for housing when we marry and he's in it.

So your boyfriends going off to the Navy and you need to make a choice on commitment?
Military can really screw up relationships, people change so much during that time..
Military environment includes living with a group of unsupervised young people, parties, drinking, after hours activities, over seas harlot houses, HANG OVERS, drugs.

My bro-in-laws marine unit, 90% failed the drug test when they were transfered to Japan....so many failed nobody got in trouble for it


I would break up with the guy and go find somebody else

 

[Hewitt]

Okay, I know EXACTLY how you feel KGirl. I've been in that situation before so please listen to my advice and learn from the mistakes I made!

First off, you've realized there is a problem and for that I'm glad. Now you must act of in. The important thing here is how you act. If you make a weak attempt to correct the problem, it will not work and things will get worse. The only way to fix this is to make priorities and stick to them.

God comes first and that should dictate how the rest will go. If you have trouble talking it may be because you simply spend way too much time together. Time is good and shows that you care, but at the same time we need to be active to find new topics to talk about. Also, if you are spending more time with this person than with God or other Christian friends, it will be hard to over come this hurdle.

It's really important to know that weak decisions lead to bad results. I promise you that you want to make firm decisions to clean things up. If you are undecisive things will only continue to get worse. It's going to be hard and at times may not seem so romantic, but if you truly want this relationship to succeed you must be willing to make sacrifices. I think you know in your heart what your boundries should be and I encourage you to act upon those feelings.

If you need to talk, just pm or email me and I'll gladly help out in any way possible. Please remember, I've been in your shoes before and I don't want you to experience the hurt and pain I did from the mistakes I made. I'll be praying for you.

 

[The Fireman]

Whatever you do don't move in together before you get married!

You sound like you are doing a wonderful job right now.

The temptation towards sexual intimacy is so wonderfully natural, it is how you were created. But let's not act on it until you are married. I know how hard that is, you will be happy if you wait.

I think you two will do well especially since you are concerned in the right areas.

The Fireman

 

[Thatguymorgan]

Well I can tell you from personal experience and what the bible says why you are having trouble in the talking side of your relationship. The key is found in the bible. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Gen. 2:24 now to really see this verse in context you must look at the word unity of man and wife. The word for unity means all of each person, the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual. These things show the root of your talking problem with you boyfriend. As a couple not yet married in the eyes of the Lord by commitment, you are unable at this point to posses the full unity that God has described in genesis, but he has allowed you to developed a intimacy in communication, this is God’s step to knowing each other.
But once you step out of his design and begin to have a physical relationship then you forfeit you communication relationship given to you by God, and trade it in to a physical relationship. Hence your problem, stop the physical and the communication will begin again.
I am engaged to be married next summer and I and my courtship partner have made this commitment to not become physical. We do not kiss, cuddle, massage, and hold for long periods of time, or anything else that might rob us of the communication that we are developing for marriage. And I can honestly say that while I have seen numerous couples loss their communication and fall away to physical relationship ending in disaster after marriage, my friend and I have grown to see deeper and deeper levels of Godly communication and understanding in our relationship. There is my five cents its not a very popular opinion, but it’s always been that way with God’s standards, and true fulfillment comes in those standards.

 

[E-beth]

Moved to Courting Couples for a Christian perspective.

Carry on!

 

[PegasusOnFire]

So your boyfriends going off to the Navy and you need to make a choice on commitment?
Military can really screw up relationships, people change so much during that time..
Military environment includes living with a group of unsupervised young people, parties, drinking, after hours activities, over seas harlot houses, HANG OVERS, drugs.

My bro-in-laws marine unit, 90% failed the drug test when they were transfered to Japan....so many failed nobody got in trouble for it


I would break up with the guy and go find somebody else

I am going to have to strongly disagree with you on this point ReUsAbLePhEoNiX. I got engaged to my fiancee while he was still in the NAVY. Yes people do change while they are in the military, but if they have a strong foundation in their faith, they will not partake in the partying, drinking and drugs. My fiancee didn't, and some of the guys he was around didn't. Though they did lose half of their devision to drug useage, some of which were his friends, he did not partake in the drugs.

My advice KGirl, be there for him, support his decision to go into the military. It can and mostlikely be a stressful thing, but with God you can make it through this. God has blessed my fiancee and I and I know that he wil bless you two.

 

[ceres]

KGirl this is perfectly normal. You have simply moved from the first stage of a relationship to the second. The first stage is pretty exciting, you get to know each other, there's tons to talk about because you don't know each other very well yet. In the second stage you already know everything and there isn't as much to talk about, but you also feel extremely comfortable around eachother being yourselves and opening up, in this stage you really must find hobbies!! Right now the hobby you have found is physical stuff, and hey, that is perfectly normal also. If it is something you want to avoid you must fill your time with other stuff. I mean what do the old wives say?-> "idle time is the devil's playground" I would definitely not recommend getting married so that temptation goes away. Because you will have to deal with the same issues in this relationship eventually anyway. If you got married, sure you can have sex, and yes that is a very good hobby, but eventually it can't be all you do. Eventually sex won't be new and exciting, and while very amazing, you will still find yourselves wanting more to do.

So, as to what kinds of things you might want to do together, I can try to give you some ideas. For one thing, don't stay isolated. Find other friends to hang out with. Groups of friends even eating out or watching a movie at someone's house takes a lot of pressure off of just the two of you having a conversation. Group conversation, quite fun. It even gives you something to talk about later. You might find this dumb but the group of friends I like to hang out with enjoys playing video games and watching movies. Those are the main things we do together. So we get out the Playstation 2 and put in Soul Calibur 2 or something and take turns playing and just hanging out. Movies are fun too, I have one friend that always has to comment during the movie "awww! did you see that!" and I find it highly amusing.

You could also get into reading. My husband and I have read books together in the past, like one reading out loud to the other and taking turns. Sure, it probably sounds corny, but it works. We started it on long trips between our home state and here, and it was kind of fun so it continued sometimes. We read the Harry Potter books this way (sorry to me Harry Potter is not bad, if any of you want you can take it up with me on a pm or something ) and some other books also.

Are there any hobbies either of you had before you got together that the other person might enjoy? For example, if he was into fishing, and he stopped fishing when you got together, maybe you could get into fishing also and that would be something to do together. Think back on what both of you did before you got together and there should be some clues and ideas...

Also being in the second stage maybe you need to realize and enjoy that being together doesn't mean that you have to have your attention on one another at all times. Maybe he has some interests and you have some interests that you can do in the same room but not together. Like, you can be laying on the couch with your feet on his lap reading a book while he is watching some horribly boring football game. It is good to let him enjoy things maybe he gave up while in the first stage of your relationship. Maybe he used to ALWAYS watch the football game on Saturdays but he gave it up to spend time with you. Maybe now you could compromise and go out around the game, or maybe he could watch only the most important games and spend time with you on the other Saturdays. And hey-- you can still be there, just doing different things. Quite often both members of a relationship gave something up in stage one, so revive the dead hobbies!

Good luck...

 

[ceres]

Dang I hate long posts, how did I end up writing one? Please do take the time to read it tho, it should help

 

[LadyBird]

I think that what is going on is normal although it may not be healthy. I think that perhaps you guys need to maybe refrain from physical activity...like put a limit on it...say for one week, all you will do is hold hands and hug...and instead of being physical, talk and reconnect. I think that when a couple becomes too physcial its because they are spending too much time alone and are maybe not doing as much with their friends. Try and hang out with other people too...go out on group dates and double date with other couples. Try going out on dates just the two of you instead of being at home...go play pool, go swimming, try snowboarding...there are lots things you guys can do. When my boyfriend and my relationship suffers, it's because there is a lack of communication due to too much physical stuff and also because we have just isolated ourselves and not seen our friends...so we just snuggle...and that's it or we will do some of the stuff I mentioned above. We will make a point of talking and reconnecting and seeing our friends rather than being physical.

 

[Thatguymorgan]

thanks for that tina. I completely agree that more physical contact takes away for the communication needed during this time in a relatioship. My view in detail is up above

 

[TheFirstNoelle]

Well I can tell you from personal experience and what the bible says why you are having trouble in the talking side of your relationship. The key is found in the bible. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Gen. 2:24 now to really see this verse in context you must look at the word unity of man and wife. The word for unity means all of each person, the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual. These things show the root of your talking problem with you boyfriend. As a couple not yet married in the eyes of the Lord by commitment, you are unable at this point to posses the full unity that God has described in genesis, but he has allowed you to developed a intimacy in communication, this is God’s step to knowing each other.
But once you step out of his design and begin to have a physical relationship then you forfeit you communication relationship given to you by God, and trade it in to a physical relationship. Hence your problem, stop the physical and the communication will begin again.
I am engaged to be married next summer and I and my courtship partner have made this commitment to not become physical. We do not kiss, cuddle, massage, and hold for long periods of time, or anything else that might rob us of the communication that we are developing for marriage. And I can honestly say that while I have seen numerous couples loss their communication and fall away to physical relationship ending in disaster after marriage, my friend and I have grown to see deeper and deeper levels of Godly communication and understanding in our relationship. There is my five cents its not a very popular opinion, but it’s always been that way with God’s standards, and true fulfillment comes in those standards.

But remember that not every couple is the same. God's standard for you in this specific situation will not be his standard for everyone. Not all couples lose their communication skills due to a higher level of physicality. My bf and I certainly didn't - if anything, our communication improved.