I Don't Want to Turn My Back on God but I'm Not Job

[MJJ]

I fear this is going to be a fairly epic saga. That's my warning to potential readers. I just feel like I have a lot of inner turmoil and I just want to write it out because there is no one to talk to.

Somethings have always been true about me; I'll gloss over the reasons why for the sake of brevity. I have always been fearful; when I was a teen I was already frightened of growing old, not being able to support myself, and dying away slowly with no one to care. I've also enjoyed living for others more than myself. Please do not think this means I am some kind of perfect selfless person, it's quite the opposite. I experience inner happiness when others are happy so there is a selfish aspect to it all. I'm at my best when I've been God's willing hands for good on Earth.

I've worked very hard to live a moral life. At times I didn't live up to His standards, nor mine, but I've always tried to redeem myself when I've fallen short. I wholeheartedly know the Lord is real. I'm a very introspective, critical thinker, so I've exposed myself to great debates by worthy minds. I've thought deeply on how the nature of the universe and humanity compels the argument for a sentient God (I'm obviously blowing through a lot of material here to keep it short). I've thanked Him for every good thing in life, praised His name, and have tried to spread the Word and His Promises even in this age when it's very unfashionable to do so.

However, life has always been misery. Every bad thing that can happen to a man has happened to me in the most painful way it can. I've struggled with a cruel father (we're much better now and I love him dearly), merciless psychological pain, loneliness, financial hardship despite a middle class job, terror, tormenting betrayal, the resulting addiction, the resulting punishments that will never end born of it, and so much more than I could ever write. Note, for those wondering, I did crawl out of the valley one fistful of dirt at a time and have been in recovery for 16 months. Until recently I thanked God for it but now I know it happened despite Him, not because of Him.

In life terrible things always happen, only nightmares come true but never any dreams. When He ran out of terrible things to occur He began granting me things that were important to me but only until I let my guard down and relaxed. After that it was guaranteed to be taken away in the cruelest fashion possible to attain a new level of pain I wouldn't have known otherwise.

One of many examples is such: I finally fell in love and married a woman who actually loved me. Eventually we got married. I was happy and I thanked the Lord. Then I caught her cheating the first month after our wedding. Our relationship ended years later while I was at a job I hated immensely but I stuck with it so she wouldn't have to work. I had been told it was 30% travel (which I really hate in my heart) but in reality they wanted 90% travel. My first day I was told I was going out of state for an entire month. To bring it full circle, I was away from home when she called me one night. I was so happy, she never took my calls on the road where all I really wanted was to ask how her day was. She used the forum to tell me how she was visiting a friend in another state, and that she was there now, and then that it was a male friend she'd met online, and then how I wasn't meeting her needs and she intended to be with him that night. In the following weeks she did the math (as an unmedicated bi-polar) and suddenly the person I loved mentally thought I was her worst, most hated enemy. The resulting divorce was excruciating. I didn't fight on anything, I actually volunteered as much cash as I could to make sure she'd be alright. It dragged on for months because she wanted me to suffer.

That life event isn't what I'm writing about. It's an example of how ramped up the last several years have been. I haven't done anything to anyone but life is endured, not enjoyed. I've learned to hide the things I care about and not celebrate them too much for fear of what will happen. Every time I think life cannot get worse it does. I've worked so hard my entire life, and I honestly have been a good person, but at 41 I know there will be no children, there will be no wife, there will be no home ownership, there will be no retirement (it's all been cashed out to survive what's inflicted on me), there will be no legacy, and there will be no one to visit my grave.

Recently some old friends from an organization I used to love participating in reached out. They knew I'd been down hard for a long time but they wanted me to return. So I did. The event I went to was the best I've ever attended in 20+ years. I quickly became happy and excited, I had something in life to enjoy and put passion into. I started working on things to help new members and before I knew it it became a volunteer staff position because of my enthusiasm. I let myself be happy; I let my guard down, again, I just don't learn. Because of one of the cruelties I live with I cannot drive, it's a punishment that will never end. So to remain employed I have to pay a king's ransom for a dependable driver to get me to work and home (I have no freedom to access society beyond that; my world is as big as where I can walk to). My driver said his family was moving to Maryland; we'd gotten to know one another and he's a very good man. I'm happy for his new opportunity for him and his family. I posted that I was looking for a driver and got a call with someone who wanted the steady work at a price that I could finally make work in my debt-burdened budget.

I let my guard down, I don't learn. I changed everything around to the new state of things. Two days later the guy texts me at work and says he found something better so he could only drop me in the morning but I had no way to get home. I exhausted every ad, because where I live is outside the city drivers will either not take my business or want more than double what Uber would charge. Suddenly I'm screwed again. My budget is destroyed. The organization I rejoined is out of the question now. As is typical, I ended up worse than before in that there's no ride and Uber is unreliable and so very expensive. He gave it just so He could take it and I let Him get me again.

I can give a hundred examples of this but I think the few I mentioned will suffice. Just know they constantly occur. There is no hope left; there is nothing to look forward to. I know it's just going to get worse.

This is my dilemma. I'm not throwing up my hands and saying I'll just stop believing in God because I'm mad at Him. I don't have that luxury. He is real, He is eternal, and He is an angry, sadistic God against which a mortal like me has no chance. I'm begged atonement for every possible thing I can think of that I've ever done in my life but He's not interested. I do believe in the Son, and I believe He is love, and that if the nature of original sin wasn't in His way He'd take the pain of the world on His shoulders so no one would ever suffer again. I realize that's a contradictory position, since Jesus it God and God is Jesus. However, the Son of Man has always loved me saved me from certain death before. The Son of God despises me. The Lord is a sadist. He cannot be pleased.

Now I know that as a Christian I am supposed to take the hard times, keep my faith, and continue to praise Him because He is God and He will deliver all of us. I'm so tired of hearing people say I'm in a test of faith. My faith has been tested since I was old enough to have memories. So no, I am through being tested. I am done worshiping Him. I am done praising Him for the ashes He kicks on me. I am not Job, I never asked to be Job, I never wanted to be Job, and frankly, a God who would inflict a life of agony on His believer to prove how glorious He is when you remain faithful is nonsense. This dog has been kicked one time too many.

I hate life. If I didn't wake up tomorrow that would be a blessing. I don't bother worrying about Hell because I know He's never going to let me in the Gates of Heaven. That'll be the final smack in the face to make sure I know He's the bully in charge and I'm his plaything. I've spent time with my Pastor and professional councilors who are also deep with faith as I've always been. They all say the same. "God does not make junk." "God does not create people as playthings to mess with; what incentive is there for Him to do that?" I hear their arguments and they make sense; they are quite logical. However, life experience contradicts those claims. He is cruel, He does single people out to torment, and there's nothing you can ever hope to do to make Him stop. He holds all the cards.

Right now my mother is bewildered with me. Friends are worried. Turning my back away from God is such a major change in how I've lived my life as a Christian. I'm tired of crying. No normal person goes through as much as I have; even the professionals I've worked with have told me as much. I just feel like I have to stop praying because I'm just giving Him ammunition and ideas when I praise Him and work in my pleas at the end. There hasn't been a time I haven't started the day with prayer, well, ever. I just can't do it anymore. I know I can't make Him stop hurting me so I can only hope to stay under His radar. All those normal things I mentioned earlier that will never happen for me; I don't pursue them any longer. My goal is just to be left alone so it doesn't get more miserable.

I'm sorry to disappoint Him and everyone else. I can't be Job. I've tried but I just can't do this anymore. If that means I'm failing some test then fine; no one should have the best years of their life striped away because the test never ends. This isn't normal. I know other people are not tested like this. If I'm supposed to be Job I'm sorry. I'm not as strong a man as he was.

[Note: Edited to correct grammar.]

 

[brinny]

Bless yer heart, praying for you (((hug)))

 

[friend of]

Read it all and I'm heartbroken to hear of your misfortune. I wish there was something I could offer you in terms of Christian advice, but it sounds like you've experienced it all at length and then some.

 

[MJJ]

I truly do appreciate well wishes, very much so. There was a time, until very recently, that my response to someone praying for me would be a heartfelt thank you as that is one of the kindest things you can do for another. I'm still thankful but I've lost all faith that any prayers will have any impact. I've been prayed for before, a lot, by people who've seen me suffer to the point they just want it to stop. If He didn't listen then He won't listen now. I haven't lost belief, I know that God is truth and His Son is the greatest font of mercy and universal love that has and will ever exist. I just can't make excuses anymore in the face of a lifetime of evidence. I don't know my sin, or if this is even about a sin I committed after all this time. I've loved the Lord with all my heart and it's hard to retrain myself not to. I just don't understand why someone so mighty and infinite would even care enough about a spec like me to cause so much misery. It doesn't make any logical sense why an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-infinite God would make time for this kind of thing. It's a very illogical conclusion but it's the only one I'm left with: He is a sadist. Also, I have no power to make Him stop, ever, no matter how hard I try. He's all powerful. If He told me why and what He wants I'd go do it, right now, precisely as commanded. It seems He doesn't want anything from me; just suffering. I don't want gold, or riches, or a model for a wife, or an expensive car to drive. I just want to left alone for the rest of my time on Earth. I want Him to please stop hurting me and I'd do anything He asked for that without question.

 

[tansy]

Sounds like you've gone through hell...I do know the feelings you're going through, though perhaps not to the same extent. Things seem to go right, then they go wrong
Probably unhelpful questions, but can you actually survive, housing and foodwise? And how do you know that you'll actually never marry or have children...I mean for sure? You are speaking out of deep anguish I do realise that...I've had times like that, and I've yelled (in my mind) at God, and argued with Him, even blamed Him, felt that nothing can ever get better.
Perhaps nothing ever does get totally better...I've never experienced life getting totally better, it's like a roller-coaster ride. The last few years, I think I have had to be learning to trust and rely on nobody but God Himself (not meaning He doesn't use other people to help or provide).
Have you actually told God you think he's a sadist etc? That's what I would do. Whether it will help in your case I don't know. What I do know, from my experience, is that when I've railed against Him or circumstances, I usually get some sort of, if not peace, but some sort of knowledge that God really is gunning for me, or even some kind of almost revelation. Years ago, I actually sat down all day long moaning and complaining at Him..and in the end I just had to laugh, kind of laughed with hIm, because I realised that well, God is God, and He is after all taking care of everything.

However, none of this is probably helpful to you, so I do apologise if I'm sounding like one of Job's comforters - I just wish there was some way to help . As you said, you've probably had every type of advice going.

But it is good to rant sometimes.

 

[FireDragon76]

Who says you have to thank God all the time? It seems like you are the one putting a lot of burdens on yourself by judging yourself so harshly. Take a time out and ask yourself where that is really coming from. I guarantee you, it's not from God.

You sound like you are dealing with something like PTSD. Have you thought about seeking counseling? I have gone to an Episcopalian therapist in the past and it has helped a lot to have a therapist to talk to that is a Christian. Catholics, Episcopalians, and Lutherans often fund mental health clinics in major cities. Another thing that might help is just preparing yourself to do something completely different with you life. It's easy to get stuck in a rut mentally and then feel a sense of life grinding you down.

 

[Northern Star]

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. Everyone is going to have trials in their life, and some people will have more than others. Many of Jesus' early disciples were tortured and/or killed in horrific ways. We live in a fallen world and we ourselves are born with a sin nature, so there are going to be many different types of struggles each one of us will face. Every trial you have to endure will work to your benefit in the end if you love God and have saving faith in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. We have to focus on the promise given to us. I'm praying for you.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

 

[friend of]

Okay, time for another go at being Job's comforter. This thread has been on my mind so far today. Some possible reasons that your life has been indaunted by a series of unfortunate events:

To test the hearts of those around you to evoke love and compassion.

To befuddle those who are considered great.

To use your life as a measure against the weaker faith-lives of others. What I mean by this is that some members of the faith have smooth sailing almost their entire lives. When disaster strikes and their faith is tested, they may respond in a number of ways from getting upset, to blaming God, to being angry with God, to defying God by tempting him to act or by giving into temptaction until the storm quiets and their lives resume the same amount of pleasantness they not only expect out of this life, but demand God provide in all circumstances. It sounds like you don't get any breaks in life, yet you persist with a faith that others would have renounced as soon as they felt the storm gently rustling their sails. Yet your sails have been beaten full storm and you still held on (hold on?). I'm not sure how angry a person you are in real life, but if this thread is any indication, I'd say you have held out better than most, given the cards you've been dealt. Whatever consolution that is I don't know.

In any case, my friend, I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

My thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry for all you have been going through, and a so glad you posted to shared so much of your experiences with us. Glad you are here.

 

[MJJ]

When I posted what I did I wasn't looking for drama or attention. I happen to be signed up to receive emails from this site with the many essays that are written to answer life's questions. So I knew there was a forum here where I could just get out on the page how desperate I've become. If anyone were to answer, it would be a blessing. Blessed I am, as so many have given words of comfort and prayer voluntarily done for a fellow member of mankind. Do not think that I am not extremely thankful and appreciate that everyone took a moment out of their busy day to respond here.

Based on the advice given above I decided that one more prayer would be a good idea (what is there to really lose by it?). Here is where I may lose some of you. Jesus is God; God is Jesus. Before Jesus Christ came to Earth they were one and eternal. After Jesus Christ came to Earth they were one and eternal. They are the same, yet, they are also seperate. Lord Jesus became the Son of Man to accomplish His great work. He knows what it is like to live as a man. He promised that He is the Way so that not only can we all have a personal relationship with the Father through Jesus' forgiveness (and perfect love) but also so He could act on our behalf with the Father if we accepted His gift freely given.

In that I have a very illogical relationship with Jesus. Even after all that has happened I know He loves me. I know times that He was there to save me. I am compelled to believe in His promises as by His nature He is a perfectly sinless, perfectly good being. He not only will not break His word, but He cannot break His word.

So last night after reading all of your responses I became very emotional. I'm not to big of a man to not admit that I cried. Afterwards I had a long, very heartfelt conversation with my Lord & Savior. I've always been careful not to level ultimatums, or to "deal make" as many Christian do over prayer (if You'd just do X I will never do Y ever again). I'm never confrontational. Based on the advice given I decided to be wholeheartedly honest.

Obviously I'm not going to share the entire play-by-play but I will share this much:

1. I asked His forgiveness and told Him I know no matter has happened that He loves me and I love Him.

2. I told Him that I am afraid of the Father. That I believe He treats me in a sadistic manner and that I don't understand why an all-powerful deity would spend half a second on a little speck of sand like me.

3. I told Him I'm powerless to stop Him and it terrified me.

4. I asked Him to protect me because He's the only One that can. If He took this on I know with complete certainty that it will be done. I asked Him to advocate to the Father on my behalf as I am not His enemy and want to be His willing hands for good on Earth.

5. I apologized for asking this but I've reached such a state that some sign of comfort, so that I know Jesus is taking my case, would really help with the state I've been pushed to.

Now again, I risk losing some of you. I wouldn't dare to claim Jesus Christ appeared in the room, or that all the lights went out, or that there was a great crack of lightning. However, I did feel something very different inside at the moment I asked Him. At first it felt like what you feel when you're falling so I panicked. After a few seconds I forced myself to accept it. It didn't hurt, it was just a very strange feeling that I've never quite felt inside my mind and body (and probably soul). Perhaps it was a reaction to the great stress and emotion present at that moment but I feel certain it was Jesus Christ and He was answering me voluntarily.

I slept very soundly last night and woke up early this morning. I'm not afraid. In fact, I'm somewhat excited for what the near future may hold. Now all of the hardships I started this thread with are still there and they're still unsolved. However, by the nature of the relationship I've always had with Jesus I know He's acting on my behalf, right now. Don't ask me how I know; I just believe completely that it is not only occurring but it's also occurring right now. It's been a long time but I just don't feel afraid at that moment.

I wouldn't blame anyone who thinks I might have had a mental breakdown over emotion and stress. I wouldn't blame anyone who points out this is mostly based on a faith that Jesus will always love me even if the Father does not. The odds He'd make the time for this speck of sand are slim. However, He promised He'd love us and He promised He would always be with those who freely accepted Him. He cannot lie by His nature. However, I don't even need that theological proof. I just feel like today I don't have to be terrified and that is a great blessing. I don't want money, cars, nor power. He knows what I'm asking is from a humble position. Despite all the mistakes I've made in my life He promised He would not forsake. So the odds that I am right about this are pretty high.

Feel free to disagree though. I'll never claim to know everything. Quite the opposite.

Oh, and I didn't want to forgot this. If not for all of your kind words freely given I would not have thought to risk another prayer. So thank you.

[Note: Edited for Grammar.]

 

[FireDragon76]

I don't think you've necessarily made mistakes in life. In the story of Job, the Bible confronts us with a case of innocent suffering without a clear resolution. It is one of the basic anxieties you still find in modern Judaism- the mystery and hiddenness of God in the face of innocent suffering. In Christianity it is only resolved through the love of Jesus.

I was about to suggest you do something similar to what you did. Maybe go to a pastor for confession (you are Lutheran, right?). I believe you might get something out of more Catholic type spirituality, to understand the relationship between your suffering and Christ's suffering. Or perhaps delving more deeply into your own Lutheran tradition. Either way, what you need are tools for spiritual growth.

 

[UCANBEASURVIVOR]

I fear this is going to be a fairly epic saga. That's my warning to potential readers. I just feel like I have a lot of inner turmoil and I just want to write it out because there is no one to talk to.

Somethings have always been true about me; I'll gloss over the reasons why for the sake of brevity. I have always been fearful; when I was a teen I was already frightened of growing old, not being able to support myself, and dying away slowly with no one to care. I've also enjoyed living for others more than myself. Please do not think this means I am some kind of perfect selfless person, it's quite the opposite. I experience inner happiness when others are happy so there is a selfish aspect to it all. I'm at my best when I've been God's willing hands for good on Earth.

I've worked very hard to live a moral life. At times I didn't live up to His standards, nor mine, but I've always tried to redeem myself when I've fallen short. I wholeheartedly know the Lord is real. I'm a very introspective, critical thinker, so I've exposed myself to great debates by worthy minds. I've thought deeply on how the nature of the universe and humanity compels the argument for a sentient God (I'm obviously blowing through a lot of material here to keep it short). I've thanked Him for every good thing in life, praised His name, and have tried to spread the Word and His Promises even in this age when it's very unfashionable to do so.

However, life has always been misery. Every bad thing that can happen to a man has happened to me in the most painful way it can. I've struggled with a cruel father (we're much better now and I love him dearly), merciless psychological pain, loneliness, financial hardship despite a middle class job, terror, tormenting betrayal, the resulting addiction, the resulting punishments that will never end born of it, and so much more than I could ever write. Note, for those wondering, I did crawl out of the valley one fistful of dirt at a time and have been in recovery for 16 months. Until recently I thanked God for it but now I know it happened despite Him, not because of Him.



In life terrible things always happen, only nightmares come true but never any dreams. When He ran out of terrible things to occur He began granting me things that were important to me but only until I let my guard down and relaxed. After that it was guaranteed to be taken away in the cruelest fashion possible to attain a new level of pain I wouldn't have known otherwise.

One of many examples is such: I finally fell in love and married a woman who actually loved me. Eventually we got married. I was happy and I thanked the Lord. Then I caught her cheating the first month after our wedding. Our relationship ended years later while I was at a job I hated immensely but I stuck with it so she wouldn't have to work. I had been told it was 30% travel (which I really hate in my heart) but in reality they wanted 90% travel. My first day I was told I was going out of state for an entire month. To bring it full circle, I was away from home when she called me one night. I was so happy, she never took my calls on the road where all I really wanted was to ask how her day was. She used the forum to tell me how she was visiting a friend in another state, and that she was there now, and then that it was a male friend she'd met online, and then how I wasn't meeting her needs and she intended to be with him that night. In the following weeks she did the math (as an unmedicated bi-polar) and suddenly the person I loved mentally thought I was her worst, most hated enemy. The resulting divorce was excruciating. I didn't fight on anything, I actually volunteered as much cash as I could to make sure she'd be alright. It dragged on for months because she wanted me to suffer.

That life event isn't what I'm writing about. It's an example of how ramped up the last several years have been. I haven't done anything to anyone but life is endured, not enjoyed. I've learned to hide the things I care about and not celebrate them too much for fear of what will happen. Every time I think life cannot get worse it does. I've worked so hard my entire life, and I honestly have been a good person, but at 41 I know there will be no children, there will be no wife, there will be no home ownership, there will be no retirement (it's all been cashed out to survive what's inflicted on me), there will be no legacy, and there will be no one to visit my grave.

Recently some old friends from an organization I used to love participating in reached out. They knew I'd been down hard for a long time but they wanted me to return. So I did. The event I went to was the best I've ever attended in 20+ years. I quickly became happy and excited, I had something in life to enjoy and put passion into. I started working on things to help new members and before I knew it it became a volunteer staff position because of my enthusiasm. I let myself be happy; I let my guard down, again, I just don't learn. Because of one of the cruelties I live with I cannot drive, it's a punishment that will never end. So to remain employed I have to pay a king's ransom for a dependable driver to get me to work and home (I have no freedom to access society beyond that; my world is as big as where I can walk to). My driver said his family was moving to Maryland; we'd gotten to know one another and he's a very good man. I'm happy for his new opportunity for him and his family. I posted that I was looking for a driver and got a call with someone who wanted the steady work at a price that I could finally make work in my debt-burdened budget.

I let my guard down, I don't learn. I changed everything around to the new state of things. Two days later the guy texts me at work and says he found something better so he could only drop me in the morning but I had no way to get home. I exhausted every ad, because where I live is outside the city drivers will either not take my business or want more than double what Uber would charge. Suddenly I'm screwed again. My budget is destroyed. The organization I rejoined is out of the question now. As is typical, I ended up worse than before in that there's no ride and Uber is unreliable and so very expensive. He gave it just so He could take it and I let Him get me again.

I can give a hundred examples of this but I think the few I mentioned will suffice. Just know they constantly occur. There is no hope left; there is nothing to look forward to. I know it's just going to get worse.

This is my dilemma. I'm not throwing up my hands and saying I'll just stop believing in God because I'm mad at Him. I don't have that luxury. He is real, He is eternal, and He is an angry, sadistic God against which a mortal like me has no chance. I'm begged atonement for every possible thing I can think of that I've ever done in my life but He's not interested. I do believe in the Son, and I believe He is love, and that if the nature of original sin wasn't in His way He'd take the pain of the world on His shoulders so no one would ever suffer again. I realize that's a contradictory position, since Jesus it God and God is Jesus. However, the Son of Man has always loved me saved me from certain death before. The Son of God despises me. The Lord is a sadist. He cannot be pleased.

Now I know that as a Christian I am supposed to take the hard times, keep my faith, and continue to praise Him because He is God and He will deliver all of us. I'm so tired of hearing people say I'm in a test of faith. My faith has been tested since I was old enough to have memories. So no, I am through being tested. I am done worshiping Him. I am done praising Him for the ashes He kicks on me. I am not Job, I never asked to be Job, I never wanted to be Job, and frankly, a God who would inflict a life of agony on His believer to prove how glorious He is when you remain faithful is nonsense. This dog has been kicked one time too many.

I hate life. If I didn't wake up tomorrow that would be a blessing. I don't bother worrying about Hell because I know He's never going to let me in the Gates of Heaven. That'll be the final smack in the face to make sure I know He's the bully in charge and I'm his plaything. I've spent time with my Pastor and professional councilors who are also deep with faith as I've always been. They all say the same. "God does not make junk." "God does not create people as playthings to mess with; what incentive is there for Him to do that?" I hear their arguments and they make sense; they are quite logical. However, life experience contradicts those claims. He is cruel, He does single people out to torment, and there's nothing you can ever hope to do to make Him stop. He holds all the cards.

Right now my mother is bewildered with me. Friends are worried. Turning my back away from God is such a major change in how I've lived my life as a Christian. I'm tired of crying. No normal person goes through as much as I have; even the professionals I've worked with have told me as much. I just feel like I have to stop praying because I'm just giving Him ammunition and ideas when I praise Him and work in my pleas at the end. There hasn't been a time I haven't started the day with prayer, well, ever. I just can't do it anymore. I know I can't make Him stop hurting me so I can only hope to stay under His radar. All those normal things I mentioned earlier that will never happen for me; I don't pursue them any longer. My goal is just to be left alone so it doesn't get more miserable.

I'm sorry to disappoint Him and everyone else. I can't be Job. I've tried but I just can't do this anymore. If that means I'm failing some test then fine; no one should have the best years of their life striped away because the test never ends. This isn't normal. I know other people are not tested like this. If I'm supposed to be Job I'm sorry. I'm not as strong a man as he was.

[Note: Edited to correct grammar.]

 

[UCANBEASURVIVOR]

Your surely npt alone
Pray for one another
AMEN