Hi fellow sisters and brothers, Hanson here, just joined this forum for the very first time today.. I have a situation. Me and my wife were married for slightly longer than one year. And maybe we rushed into marriage too soon and i knew she was not a believer and i thought after getting married and i could show her the way Jesus can play in our lives. And i have been struggling to bring her to Church every week. Initially she pretended to like the service, and slowly she kinda gave up on herself, saying" i still don't feel a thing! your God i simply cannot see!" i was sad that i could not share the same level of faith with my dearest person in my life. Recently she was crazy about the fact that i tithe every month to my Church and she said, 10% is too much and we need to set up our family and buy a house and blah blah, and we cannot afford to give tithes. She just remarked" ur chuch pastors just want your money and they are having a larvish life and we are still having nothing" So i told her and myself, tithing and going to church are my conviction and i cannot just drop it like what she wants. And she started to say, " i asked my mom, and my dad, they think you are stupid to give so much to the church and they also suggest if u still do this, i shall file for a divorce" I could read that she was manipulating me, threatening our marriage using my tithing as an excuse. But i told her, i love you and Jesus love both of us just the way we love each other, and i would never think of divorcing you and but she was just not so mad about me and my church. Please advise!! Thank you!
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I don't want to get a divorce!!
- Thread starter lovenourishes
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Evie
what he said! <img src="http://www3.christianforum
dear newbie,lovenourishes said:
your marriage is worth saving. I have been there done that as I was the believer and my husband was the unbeliever. It can be a tough situation. Whatever the outcome,you have chosen God and He wil direct and guide you. I am praying for your marriage. I am also praying for you and your wife.
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bubblegirl23
Resident bubble chick
I'm am new to christian 'practices', so thought I'd chime in.
Maybe your wife may be more interested in the social aspects. Introduce her to loving christians and let them encourage her instead. Explain the tithe is for church activities.
Let her see God's acts in the hearts of the congregation. To me, that is the most beautiful thing of christianity. One man who taught an entire civilization right from wrong, and the ability to love beyond boundaries.
Ordering modern church films may help too. There are versions through TimeLife with popular actors, like Elizabeth Hurley.
Maybe your wife may be more interested in the social aspects. Introduce her to loving christians and let them encourage her instead. Explain the tithe is for church activities.
Let her see God's acts in the hearts of the congregation. To me, that is the most beautiful thing of christianity. One man who taught an entire civilization right from wrong, and the ability to love beyond boundaries.
Ordering modern church films may help too. There are versions through TimeLife with popular actors, like Elizabeth Hurley.
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to some extent, i wanted to give up the marriage, thought that choosing her might be a mistake in the very first place.
She can be manipulative and calculating sometimes, which i did not see this coming in the beginning of the relationship, Well, when into marriage, every true colors of me and her will be reflected in daily living. She thought i was boring and refused to speak to me (we are not in the same country now, cuz she needs to be there for her work for short term) on Valentine's Day. Ironally, i feel burdened when i am actually speaking to her on the phone or netmeeting. I thought about God more when my mind is not with her. I praise God in more heartfelt ways, the more she scolds me and ridicules me of my beliefs.
My emotions tell me to ignore her and fight back. My heart tells me to calm down and seek the Lord, believing God to settle the rest.
She said she could resolve the marriage if she refuses to come back to me and stays on the foreign land for another half a year. Through this, she hopes she can end the marriage legally even when i don't agree. ....
She can be manipulative and calculating sometimes, which i did not see this coming in the beginning of the relationship, Well, when into marriage, every true colors of me and her will be reflected in daily living. She thought i was boring and refused to speak to me (we are not in the same country now, cuz she needs to be there for her work for short term) on Valentine's Day. Ironally, i feel burdened when i am actually speaking to her on the phone or netmeeting. I thought about God more when my mind is not with her. I praise God in more heartfelt ways, the more she scolds me and ridicules me of my beliefs.
My emotions tell me to ignore her and fight back. My heart tells me to calm down and seek the Lord, believing God to settle the rest.
She said she could resolve the marriage if she refuses to come back to me and stays on the foreign land for another half a year. Through this, she hopes she can end the marriage legally even when i don't agree. ....
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heartnsoul
Don't settle for less than God's best!
In any marriage, the two I's become "WE". So, I think both of you are very stubborn, not just her...but YOU too. Please forgive me for saying this, but both of you are at a crossroad right now. All marriages have crossroads. It's up to both of you to compromise and work things out. This issue will not be the ONLY issue you two will ever come across. Gosh, I've been married 10 years and have gone through many painful hurdles and crossroads. To bail out now just because you don't feel love for her is probably not a very good justification to do so. She wants HER way and you want YOUR way. What is the solution? COMPROMISE brother!lovenourishes said:
By her not wanting to tithe, and by you not wanting to stop tithing, it sounds like both of you are holding tightly to your own way. So why not meet in the middle? Maybe just tithe 5% or 1%...whatever it will take satisfy your wife and keep the marriage alive. Isn't that what the goal is here? If you divorce her over this petty issue, then it's like "cutting your nose to spite your face", so to speak. Do you honestly think God would want you to divorce over 10% tithing?? Please reflect on what I am saying very seriously. So if you decide not to tithe, do you think God will banish you from earth and condemn you to hell? God is a LOVING and FORGIVING God. In my opinion, God is not about fear, punishment or "measuring up" (earning your way to Heaven) by doing good deeds. It's all about learning to LOVE ONE ANOTHER. So, think about how you can make amends with your wife and try to see her point of view. Saving for a house is not a bad idea in my opinion. Your wife is wise and her views of saving money is not evil. She's got a good head on her shoulder to think about finances and your future together. Maybe later when both of you get more financially stable and established, she will agree to tithe more. Until then, I don't think demanding things your way or giving up on the marriage is the right answer.Relationships/marriages are there for God's glory and our enjoyment as well as a wonderful learning tool for all of us to grow spiritually mature in Christ. Whatever problems or issues you don't iron out now, you will run into them again, again and again...because God has a sense of humor and will not give up on you to teach you the lessons that you need to learn. So your stubbornness needs to be dealt with now or you will run into similar "standoff" issues with other people/partners. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Loving someone is a choice, not a feeling. No one has warm fuzzy feelings when they are arguing.
Please forgive me if I sound a little forthright in my response to you. When I was younger, both my husband and I were stubborn like you and your wife. We have been married 10 years now (God bless!) and believe me, we have learned the beauty and art of COMPROMISE. Example: If I want a red car and he wants a blue car, then we buy white or another color we BOTH LIKE. Compromise is key here. May God bless your marriage and may God open BOTH of your hearts and minds to love each other deeper and learn how to foster a healthy, happy marriage. God bless you two!!
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Thanks a lot for sharing so much with me! And i just had a few doubts. So i am convicted to tithe, and i am also convicted to go for a better marriage (maybe not talking about "better", but keep this marriage in existence first). So these too convictions are not going well with each other? Will God be able to keep my two convictions in line with each other rather going against each other?
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heartnsoul
Don't settle for less than God's best!
Your first loyalty is to God, and second to your wife. Church services, friends, relatives, and *tithing* are all things that come after God and your wife. I think you are placing too much emphasis on tithing. There are many ways to *give* to churches to serve God. Tithing is only one way. Not everyone has money to give, but you can give in other ways (such as your time and energy to help out a church). But again, your priorities are not in the right order (in my opinion). Your wife is right for wanting to save money for a family and a house. You should feel grateful and blessed to have a woman who cares about finances. Some women just want to spend money and not work for it. I'm sure many men on this forum can testify to that. And remember, God's Spirit is in each and every one of us. God is everywhere, not just in churches on Sunday mornings. I pray that you open your mind and heart to make amends with your wife and do your best to make the marriage work. If you do not learn the lessons now, I'm afraid you'll learn painfullly the hard way like many of us (including myself) already have. I hope you make the right choices.lovenourishes said:
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Evie
what he said! <img src="http://www3.christianforum
yes,keep God first then your wife. He will guide your path.heartnsoul said:Your first loyalty is to God, and second to your wife. Church services, friends, relatives, and *tithing* are all things that come after God and your wife. I think you are placing too much emphasis on tithing. There are many ways to *give* to churches to serve God. Tithing is only one way. Not everyone has money to give, but you can give in other ways (such as your time and energy to help out a church). But again, your priorities are not in the right order (in my opinion). Your wife is right for wanting to save money for a family and a house. You should feel grateful and blessed to have a woman who cares about finances. Some women just want to spend money and not work for it. I'm sure many men on this forum can testify to that. And remember, God's Spirit is in each and every one of us. God is everywhere, not just in churches on Sunday mornings. I pray that you open your mind and heart to make amends with your wife and do your best to make the marriage work. If you do not learn the lessons now, I'm afraid you'll learn painfullly the hard way like many of us (including myself) already have. I hope you make the right choices.
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I agree with Evie. No matter what God always comes first and it is important to keep that role for God and him only. He demands of us to first worship him and then comes other needs that our attentions fall on to (I'm not reffering to worshiping other needs, wants, etc.). First off, I'm not married but I know that introducing someone you truly care about to God is some time a very difficult ordeal. Any kind of relationship you enter into will have things about it that seem impossible to work out, but what would the fun be in getting into a relationship if you already knew how it was going to all work out? Keep praying for your wife and ask the Holy Spirit to open her heart and eyes to what is taking place around her and reassure her that you only want to help her see what an awesome creator has done for her! I'm praying!
Tashena
Tashena
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Try to explain her that you are part of God and if you are not allowed to serve God you are not the same person any more that she loves.
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Shok
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Save the marriage if possible! Perhaps a differnt church that is poorer would appease her?? Is giving your 10% to Christian charity an option (theological question)? Try to compromise without compromising your faith and values.
Listening to the parents and not your spouse is common in young marriages. Normally this subsides when you grow closer to each other and God. Husbands and wives trust, nurture, and depend on each other. This doesn't seem to be happening.
When God said to leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife it means more than just leave your residence. She depends on her parents still. In a way she never left home.
God Bless,
Shok
Listening to the parents and not your spouse is common in young marriages. Normally this subsides when you grow closer to each other and God. Husbands and wives trust, nurture, and depend on each other. This doesn't seem to be happening.
When God said to leave your mother and father and cleave to your wife it means more than just leave your residence. She depends on her parents still. In a way she never left home.
God Bless,
Shok
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thank you all for offering so many good advice for me. And yes, i shall just do my part and the rest shall be left for God. I pray that I shall be able to take her insults and sentimental remarks about me, my church, my leaders, and most of all, my God. She does not know Him, he wants to know her, please open up her heart and let her see you...
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Lovenourishes:
I see that you have already made your decision, but I'd like to ask a question that may change the color of the discussion--When you got married, who chose the church you are now attending.
I don't know why, but I'm thinking that perhaps the real issue isn't actually tithing, but control of the marriage. I know a lot of spouses have trouble with their individual identity once the two have become one. I know I dealt with it, and am still dealing with it.
People like to be in control of their lives, and even though they like to share with others, they don't want to share control of their lives with others.
Again, I can't explain what is bringing this feeling on, but perhaps she feels like she lost her identity when she got married. If you choose to find a church that has an impact on her life, she may learn to understand why tithing is important.
If I'm completely off-base here, please forgive me.
BTW, for what it's worth, I don't believe that the 10% tithe is mandated in the NT the way it is in the OT.
I see that you have already made your decision, but I'd like to ask a question that may change the color of the discussion--When you got married, who chose the church you are now attending.
I don't know why, but I'm thinking that perhaps the real issue isn't actually tithing, but control of the marriage. I know a lot of spouses have trouble with their individual identity once the two have become one. I know I dealt with it, and am still dealing with it.
People like to be in control of their lives, and even though they like to share with others, they don't want to share control of their lives with others.
Again, I can't explain what is bringing this feeling on, but perhaps she feels like she lost her identity when she got married. If you choose to find a church that has an impact on her life, she may learn to understand why tithing is important.
If I'm completely off-base here, please forgive me.
BTW, for what it's worth, I don't believe that the 10% tithe is mandated in the NT the way it is in the OT.
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