I don't understand why I feel this way

[rhssm]

I've realized that sometimes I feel really ashamed or embarrassed when I feel attractive... and I don't understand why. And it's taken me a long time to feel comfortable around men. I'm finally getting to the point where I can talk to them and not be thinking, this is a man I'm talking to, but it's just another human being. Sometimes I still become overly aware of sexual differences... I guess is how to describe it... and I don't understand why I feel this way or what it means. I just feel dirty (I guess that's the word... I don't know how to describe it) sometimes when I feel too attractive, I don't understand it. It makes me wonder if maybe I was sexually abused but just don't remember it. Is there anything else that could have caused these feelings to develop in me?

 

[Everlasting33]

I've realized that sometimes I feel really ashamed or embarrassed when I feel attractive... and I don't understand why. And it's taken me a long time to feel comfortable around men. I'm finally getting to the point where I can talk to them and not be thinking, this is a man I'm talking to, but it's just another human being. Sometimes I still become overly aware of sexual differences... I guess is how to describe it... and I don't understand why I feel this way or what it means. I just feel dirty (I guess that's the word... I don't know how to describe it) sometimes when I feel too attractive, I don't understand it. It makes me wonder if maybe I was sexually abused but just don't remember it. Is there anything else that could have caused these feelings to develop in me?

I can relate to this. I also struggle with feeling ashamed and embarrassed for being attractive.

Here are a couple questions:

* How did your family view sexuality, and specifically your sexuality, growing up?

* Were you ever teased/bullied for your looks?

* As a child, was being attractive ever conditioned to a negative stimulus?

 

[rhssm]

I can relate to this. I also struggle with feeling ashamed and embarrassed for being attractive.

Here are a couple questions:

* How did your family view sexuality, and specifically your sexuality, growing up?

* Were you ever teased/bullied for your looks?

* As a child, was being attractive ever conditioned to a negative stimulus?

* How did your family view sexuality, and specifically your sexuality, growing up?

I'm not really sure how my family viewed it. My brother made fun of the way I looked, physically, for at least 6 years (I was VERY thin... looked like I had an eating disorder, but I didn't)... I'm sure that affected my view of my own sexuality/attractiveness. I remember that my mother never wanted me hanging around my brother and his friends when he had his friends over. I never really knew why, just knew it was basically not "good." It made me feel very inferior, like she was saying I wasn't good enough for them and like maybe he wanted her to block me from his friends too. This was when we were younger and there would have been complete innocence between me and the opposite sex (my brother's 2 years older than me). Like, I remember an instance where I wanted to go outside and play with him and his friends on his birthday but my mom said I couldn't go out there. That made me feel rejection... I wasn't sure if the rejection should be felt as coming from my brother or my mother, so I just felt rejected by both. It made me feel like my brother wouldn't want me out there and like my mom was backing him on this.

My brother was allowed to start dating in grade school but I wasn't allowed to start dating until the age of 16. I guess I can understand using this tactic (can't decide if it was right?), since being female can be more dangerous in the dating world, but by the time I was 16 I didn't even feel comfortable enough around guys to date, or even talk to them.

I don't know if that really answers the question.


* Were you ever teased/bullied for your looks?

Yes, I was made fun of a great deal by boys and girls for the way I looked as a child. For about 7 years. In grade school kids I didn't even know would walk up to me and touch me because they couldn't believe I was so thin. People made me feel guilty for looking the way I did because they assumed I had an eating disorder or wasn't taking care of myself. Adults would act concerned and tell me I needed to gain weight and eat more... even though I ate regularly. I even had a counselor pull me into her office to try to find out if I had an eating disorder and she told me that I had dark circles under my eyes, was really pale, that I looked sickly (that stuff was probably due to the psychological and emotional abuse I got from my mother at home). My brother and his friends made fun of the way I looked too.


* As a child, was being attractive ever conditioned to a negative stimulus?

This is what I've wondered before... was it maybe and I just don't realize it or remember it? I'm not sure. That's possible, but I don't really know. It doesn't seem like it, but it may be one of those things I haven't remembered yet... or haven't realized yet. Things become more clear over the years, as I mature and heal.

 

[Everlasting33]

* How did your family view sexuality, and specifically your sexuality, growing up?

I'm not really sure how my family viewed it. My brother made fun of the way I looked, physically, for at least 6 years (I was VERY thin... looked like I had an eating disorder, but I didn't)... I'm sure that affected my view of my own sexuality/attractiveness. I remember that my mother never wanted me hanging around my brother and his friends when he had his friends over. I never really knew why, just knew it was basically not "good." It made me feel very inferior, like she was saying I wasn't good enough for them and like maybe he wanted her to block me from his friends too. This was when we were younger and there would have been complete innocence between me and the opposite sex (my brother's 2 years older than me). Like, I remember an instance where I wanted to go outside and play with him and his friends on his birthday but my mom said I couldn't go out there. That made me feel rejection... I wasn't sure if the rejection should be felt as coming from my brother or my mother, so I just felt rejected by both. It made me feel like my brother wouldn't want me out there and like my mom was backing him on this.

My brother was allowed to start dating in grade school but I wasn't allowed to start dating until the age of 16. I guess I can understand using this tactic (can't decide if it was right?), since being female can be more dangerous in the dating world, but by the time I was 16 I didn't even feel comfortable enough around guys to date, or even talk to them.

I don't know if that really answers the question.


* Were you ever teased/bullied for your looks?

Yes, I was made fun of a great deal by boys and girls for the way I looked as a child. For about 7 years. In grade school kids I didn't even know would walk up to me and touch me because they couldn't believe I was so thin. People made me feel guilty for looking the way I did because they assumed I had an eating disorder or wasn't taking care of myself. Adults would act concerned and tell me I needed to gain weight and eat more... even though I ate regularly. I even had a counselor pull me into her office to try to find out if I had an eating disorder and she told me that I had dark circles under my eyes, was really pale, that I looked sickly (that stuff was probably due to the psychological and emotional abuse I got from my mother at home). My brother and his friends made fun of the way I looked too.


* As a child, was being attractive ever conditioned to a negative stimulus?

This is what I've wondered before... was it maybe and I just don't realize it or remember it? I'm not sure. That's possible, but I don't really know. It doesn't seem like it, but it may be one of those things I haven't remembered yet... or haven't realized yet. Things become more clear over the years, as I mature and heal.

Thanks for the detailed responses! It sounds like you had a pretty tough adolescence. Actually, you sound a lot like me! I was bullied for several years because I was so skinny and people thought I had an eating disorder! I did not but my entire family was almost all thin so it was just genetic.

If you felt ashamed and embarrassed of your looks as a child/adolescence, then it would make sense as to why you still feel the same way. Your outer appearance may have changed but the feelings inside has remained. Of course, this is only a theory but get back to me and tell me what you think.