I don't love my wife and I don't want her to find out

[Hubbahubba5]

I've been married to my wife for almost 17 years now. We actually met in 8th grade and had a little fling in the 9th grade and didn't meet up again until college. We started dating because we knew each other. It felt comfortable for me, but I never really felt any sparks or said "this is the girl I want to marry." It was just comfortable. I never really thought of getting out of the relationship because she was so happy with me.

So today, for me there is really no sort of attraction. I try my hardest to live by the "love is an action, not a feeling" motto that I have heard many times before. With her I feel that I am pretending and putting on a show since what I do for her really doesn't come from the heart but out of obligation. I do feel that somewhere in a marriage there needs to be some emotional connection as well, which I just don't feel with her. My wife is crazy about me though. She always tells me "you're my favorite" and it just kills me that I can't reciprocate that feeling. I have a hard time saying "I love you" because I feel that I'm lying. I know that if she ever found out how I really feel it would devastate her and I don't want to do that to her. We also have three children and I don't want them to have to go through life without a father.

One of the red flags for me has been that I am so much happier when she's gone. Its not like she's a nag, or hard to live with, its just that I like it when she's not here. I just feel so much more free. I have considered counseling, namely for myself, because I feel that the issue here is with me. I can recognize so many great qualities in my wife, and I should feel blessed to have her in my life. Last year one of the devotions we did together said to make a list of 25 things you love about your wife. That scared me as I was sure I couldn't do it. I was able to come up with 25 good qualities about my wife. As I looked at the list, I didn't understand how I couldn't have any feelings for someone like that. I'm worried that some day she will find out. I don't want to hurt her. I'm just not sure how much longer I can go on pretending.

I have spent a lot of time in prayer about this issue. That God would change my heart. I know that God is good and He works for our good. I'm just not sure how this is going to be for my good. I know I need to give this to God and leave it in his hands but I am having a really hard time trusting him with it.

 

[Hieronymus]

I have no experience in this field, but how about leaving for a while?
You'll have to tell her why though...

You seem to love her though, because you don't want to hurt her.

my 2 cents..

EDIT:
Sorry, i'm not even supposed to post here, since i'm single and always have been single...

 

[Soyeong]

I am in complete agreement that love is an action rather than a feeling, but perhaps you don't truly believe that when you have a hard time saying "I love you" without having the feeling. However, when you made your marriage vows with her, you didn't vow to always feel a certain way towards her, but to act in a certain way. You do truly love her though because you care for her and desire what is best for her even when you don't feel like it. Often times when we love someone we have to put the way that we feel second, such as when a parent still loves an ornery child. I'm not sure if you've heard of the movie Fireproof, but I recommend watching it and going through the love dare. If you're still struggling after that, then you might want to consider going to a Christian counselor.

 

[vinsight4u]

/

 

[Hubbahubba5]

Where would you be going? You could still spend time with them.
Is there someone else?

I'm not planning on leaving at this point. I'm going to try to stick it out as long as I can. There isn't anyone else.

 

[vinsight4u]

/

 

[Gabriel Anton]

Praise be to Jesus for His Love for us.

You're being tempted to draw you further away from God in this trial. The devil is taking advantage of you.

This stems from a weak foundation in Jesus. You're being blinded so you cannot see what you have but what you think you want. This stems from a lack of gratitude for what you have in life. Turn to prayer and direct your mind and heart to seeking Jesus and thanking Him for all that you have.

You want to love? Then learn from Jesus how to love. Don't trust yourself. Trust Jesus and draw close to Jesus to pass this trial. Pray, read the Bible, ponder on the Word of God.
Draw away from the darkness and come into the Light.

Love of God is not attraction and a sensual feeling but a deep selfless feeling and a reflection of that selfless feeling to another person. It is not about what is important for you but what is important to God. What does God will for me? What kind of person do you want to be? What you choose you will become. Trust in God.

Blessed be the Holy Spirit, Searcher of our hearts. Amen.

 

[Hubbahubba5]

I would think that she already knows you are sort of faking
being in love with her? If you have put up a false front for nearly
17 years, it would be hard for her not to see it. Something in the
way you look at her, talk with her, or caress her should show that
you are not with all of your heart in this relationship. Do you take
time for each other, go on dates in a way? Your mouth long ago
made a commitment. Now you need to get your heart in line
with it.

She has brought up on occasion that she felt I didn't care about her. I found an old journal of hers from when we were first married and she was doubting it then. We do try to make time for each other but I don't enjoy it all that much. I know I made a vow to her and God. I need God's help to fulfill that vow.

 

[Goatee]

You say you have always felt like this?

It can be very hard living with no love. And i dont mean sex!

Anyone on here can throw advice at you. That is very easy. Also, everyone experiences things differently. You obviously 'care' for your wife but feel as though you dont 'love' her.

I am living in a relationship of no love. 30 Years me and my wife been together and it started to go belly up approx 12 years ago. Then beginning of last year i had an affair. Told the wife. We still together but only for our child. She said she doesn't love me and never ever will.

So, i can understand 'some' of your feelings. You need to talk about this. You need to seek Christian help my friend. Everyone on here will help. But advice will be like noses! Everyone has a different one!

God bless you

 

[vinsight4u]

/

 

[kmrichard7]

You dont understand love. Thats the problem.

When i look at my husband and I get butterflies and want to grab him and squeeze him and shout "I love you!" that is not love but adoration. I can feel the same way about a piece of makeup when i first get it. And that feeling fades. Like it does in relationships. Unless you constantly work to rekindle that feeling it will stay gone.

When you love someone you wont always even like them. But even when you want to strangle them, you would take a bullet for them. You will protect them at all costs, even if that meant feeling miserable for a time in your life because you are conflicted and just dont want to hurt the person. So you take the heat to avoid them getting it. This is love. This is Jesus on the cross. You love your wife and you are doing your best to not hurt her. You just dont adore her any more. If you ever did.

You have to learn to do this. I second the love dare. It could really help you.

The one thing that concerns me about your post is your comment that you dont want your children growing up with a father. Most fathers still intend to be a part of their childrens lives, even in the event of a divorce. Visitation, joint custody etc. Unless you intend to walk away from them, they wont grow up without a father.

 

[Goatee]

You dont understand love. Thats the problem.

When i look at my husband and I get butterflies and want to grab him and squeeze him and shout "I love you!" that is not love but adoration. I can feel the same way about a piece of makeup when i first get it. And that feeling fades. Like it does in relationships. Unless you constantly work to rekindle that feeling it will stay gone.

When you love someone you wont always even like them. But even when you want to strangle them, you would take a bullet for them. You will protect them at all costs, even if that meant feeling miserable for a time in your life because you are conflicted and just dont want to hurt the person. So you take the heat to avoid them getting it. This is love. This is Jesus on the cross. You love your wife and you are doing your best to not hurt her. You just dont adore her any more. If you ever did.

You have to learn to do this. I second the love dare. It could really help you.

The one thing that concerns me about your post is your comment that you dont want your children growing up with a father. Most fathers still intend to be a part of their childrens lives, even in the event of a divorce. Visitation, joint custody etc. Unless you intend to walk away from them, they wont grow up without a father.

Firstly, he said he didn't want his kids growing up without a father. Obviously he is thinking of not being at home for them 24 / 7.

Secondly, sometimes love can empty. Everything can dry up never to return. Not everyone can rekindle that love. Believe me, i have tried with my other half and there is no way she will love me ever again!! She has said this and this stems from many years ago, not just because i crossed over the line!

 

[Hubbahubba5]

The one thing that concerns me about your post is your comment that you dont want your children growing up with a father. Most fathers still intend to be a part of their childrens lives, even in the event of a divorce. Visitation, joint custody etc. Unless you intend to walk away from them, they wont grow up without a father

I just meant that I didn't want my children to have to go through a divorce. I know that it is devastating on children. I have 3 amazing girls and I don't want to ruin their lives.

 

[vinsight4u]

/

 

[vinsight4u]

/

 

[BadHabit]

OP, your post really resonated with me. I was married twice, and I didn't love either of them. Many of the things you wrote about are things I went through myself, and it was difficult. I can't give you any advice, but just know that you aren't the only man to have gone through what you are dealing with now.

 

[Hubbahubba5]

OP, your post really resonated with me. I was married twice, and I didn't love either of them. Many of the things you wrote about are things I went through myself, and it was difficult. I can't give you any advice, but just know that you aren't the only man to have gone through what you are dealing with now.

Thanks. I know God has a plan for me and my marriage and I need to trust him. I'm not sure why or how a marriage like this is part of his plan. Maybe it's not and it's just a consequence of my sin. But I need to give it to God because I don't want a divorce. I want my wife to be happy.

 

[Dave-W]

This is a COMMAND:

Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Since it is a command, it is something you CAN do if you put your mind and heart to it. God will give you the strength and ability.

 

[Hubbahubba5]

This is a COMMAND:

Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Since it is a command, it is something you CAN do if you put your mind and heart to it. God will give you the strength and ability.

I know that I can only love my wife as I should with God's help. I know he can change hearts.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Love is not a "feeling". Love is a verb, an action. Love is putting your wife before yourself. Love is not turning tail and running when you don't "like" your partner. Love is taking the vows "until death do us part" seriously. Love is knowing you made a vow to her and to God.

My marriage has been, by turns, horrid, rocky and decent...yet, I have not divorced, even with biblical grounds for divorce. Why? Because even though there are times I don't like my husband, can barely stand the sight of him, I made a vow to "love, honor and cherish" him...forsaking all others. When I spend 10 minutes trying to explain something to him that to me, is obvious and easy to understand, I want to choke him and explode and say not very nice things...it's beyond aggravating. However, I stay cool, patient and explain until he understands (he has some processing issues after long term anesthesia and an ICU stay). Why? because I love him...although I want to scream and cuss and say cruel things...I don't. I put those thoughts aside and realize how blessed I am that he's still alive.

If you married someone knowing that you could not do the things I mentioned above then I have some not very nice things to say to you...let's just start with you are a liar...when you made your wedding vows you lied...and have been living a lie ever since. My advice is to come clean, admit to the lie and then take your lumps.