I don't know where to turn for help...

[Starforsaken]

I guess I'm finally admitting to myself that I do have this condition. Honestly it has been at the back of my head for years now, but the stigma attached to being 'mentally ill' or having a 'sick mind' was too much for me to admit to.

Starting from age 12-13 I would say this has been going on. Looking back at old photos prior to that time I was a happy kid with a smile, happy and loving. It was during those years that I underwent severe mental/emotional trauma (I don't want to go into details) but ever since that point my days have been spent cycling, ons and offs, ups and downs, all becoming progressively stronger and more uncontrollable.

The thing is, and I guess this is the case for a lot of people who share in this, I always got excellent grades, great artist, played multiple instruments, always more mature than people my own age. So no one saw any problems, but they couldn't possibly have known what was going on inside.

I fear grew inside of me, of making commitments and plans for later dates, because I knew my mood would change. During what I now recognize as the mania phases I would be full of energy and life; pouring all my efforts into bettering myself, learning music, drawing, reading, feeling spiritually alive. I would do things I never would otherwise. I got a tattoo over a year ago at the peak of one of these phases. I drew it up and HAD to get it. The thought of it was eating away at my mind, I couldn't sleep at night, all I thought about was having it. This is just one of the experiences during my "highs" but there are many others.

And then the crash would come. Sometimes lasting for days, other times weeks and even months. Feeling invisible and disconnected from reality. Starring at myself in the mirror as if I were hollow, looking into my own eyes and feeling like a shell. The day would arrive where an event I had planned while in a manic state, and I wouldn't care. I would go to whatever I had planned but feel like a robot, automatic, just going through the motions. I've learned to hide how truly disinterested I am by engaging in small talk and all other 'normal' behavior. Yet even so there are times when what is going on inside slips out.

For a long time I turned to alcohol, and got drunk nearly every day while I was still in highschool, alone, and no one ever knew. Since then I've stopped drinking because ultimately it only made the depression worse.

I'm now almost 21 and have been living this way for 7-8 years. I believe that it is this condition who created me as the person I am today. I love the high's feeling limitless and untouchable; it is something I fear losing. Yet even the depression that hits, has caused me to look at other peoples situations in life with sympathy and understanding. It's the darkness that takes control of me that has given me greater insight into the nature of life and existence... yet all the same it has brought me nearly to death; waking up day after day, having so many who love me, yet not caring or unable to care. During the low's I would frequently sit for hours thinking about suicide, planning ways to do it in case it ever came to that; but I never actually attempt it because I know how many people will be affected, and so I choose to live for them.

My grandmother has a woman in her church who is bipolar and she speaks of her as if she were some deeply disturbed zombie in need of pity. Is this my fate if I reveal to the ones closest to me what eats away inside me? The great thing about the internet is the anononymity it provides, being able to reveal your deepest truths to total strangers without reprucussion.

As I type this I've just come out of one of the most sever low cycle of depression I've had in my life. I'm at a neutral equillibrium at this point (or as neutral as I can imagine). What spurrs on my typing this is an event that took place last week. I sat in my room clearing my mind, meditating I guess, and old locked up memories of past trauma came rushing back into my mind. Things I had forgotten, a person I was before this became like new to me.
Have you ever fallen asleep in the middle of the day, and awoken hours later in darkness, not knowing where you are or what day it is? For me I didn't know who I was or even what decade I was in (I thought it was sometime in the mid 90's) For a long time in my life I have been hiding in plain sight. The only way I could cope was by putting up a front of disinterest and aggression towards all who got too close. Was this a mental breakdown, years of suppressed trauma all comming to a head, or God trying to change my spirit? I don't know. It's hard to differentiate between the soul and mind. Many of the past 'spiritual' experiences I had quite possibly may have been mental breaks. I'm not even sure who I am anymore.

I don't really know what to do. I can't deal with the low phase of the cycle. I pray constantly for help, for God to heal my mind, though I don't think I was meant to live as a normal person. It's hard for me to look at all the happy people around me smiling and having to force it, when I'm feeling nothing at all. I have nothing to be unhappy about; I have a loving family, a place to live, food to eat, doing great in college, talent in the arts... And yet when I enter those dark phases none of it matters. All I feel is loneliness eating at me me, leaving me empty. During those times I pray to see angels or to feel something, anything at all.

Can anyone who has gone on medication tell me what it is like? How do I get help... I'm afraid of telling my mom about this, and likewise I'm afraid that the doctor or whoever I'm sent to will try to have me locked away. I'll be labled an outcast, people will look at my as that 'crazy' guy. I guess I'm just rambling now. The words of Macbeth bring this emotional low to life:

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

 

[madison1101]

I can relate to a lot of what you shared here, especially the alcohol. I attend AA meetings in order to get my life in order, and not drink.

I hope you are seeing a psychiatrist for medications. I also hope you are in regular psychotherapy with a licensed therapist, to work through your traumas. I experienced some traumas in my life, and find that my therapist has helped me immensely.

Hang in there. With God, nothing is impossible.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[Starforsaken]

No I'm not in any form of therapy, I went to a bunch of psychiatrists between the ages 12-13 but always lied to them. It didn't help me. No one knows anything is wrong. I usually get to the point where I feel like getting help but I wait around, and eventually the high comes again, at which point I don't feel the need for it any longer. I don't know how much all this costs. I'm also afraid that the doctors I see will somehow make it known to people, irrational most likely. I've quit getting drunk for a long time now... its just the uncontrollable brain states that get to me, wanting to not-exist, for no reason. If this is truly a cross to bear, would it be right to go on medication? Would I become someone else?

 

[Soulwings]

Hey there.

I figured I ought to respond to this post since a lot of it resonated with me. I'm your age, also in college, diagnosed with bipolar type II, and I'm on meds. I went on them when I was 17, at first because my GP thought I was just depressed (which, at that point, I was), but then later that year I was put on a mood stabilizer, although my psychiatrist at that point didn't tell me why (go figure). I'm now on the same mood stabilizer, an antipsychotic (I have psychotic episodes occasionally, thanks to bipolar and schizophrenic tendencies running in my family), and two antianxiety meds. I don't think of myself as a different person... I'm still April, I'm still me. Everything has been muted a little, though, as far as depression and (hypo)mania goes. I haven't seen the high of hypomania in quite awhile, but then again, I'm type II - "depressive bipolar" - so I see much, much more of the depression than the mania. I don't know with what type you'd be diagnosed; that's up to a doctor (obviously).

But to your other question. You're in college, and I'm assuming that there's a confidential counseling service there? You're not a minor anymore so you can avoid them calling your family, etc., as far as I know. I've been in therapy for three and a half years, and it's helped somewhat. My T has challenged me to grow and come to terms with bipolar... and it's going alright. I would definitely suggest seeking out treatment... because at this point, if I were in your shoes, I would try my best not to worry about what my family would think of me, but instead get help for myself. I come from a very close-knit family, so that would be difficult for me to do, very difficult, but your mental well-being is more important than what so-and-so thinks of you. Once you get more stable mentally, you can address the other issues that have come up. You're old enough to live on your own, take care of yourself.

You won't be locked up unless you are seriously suicidal and know that you can't control yourself. I've been in the psych ward four times, the last time being this June/July for 10 days, for just that - being suicidal and out of control. It's not that horrible (at least, the one I go to isn't - I think I may be lucky, though) - and even if it is, for you it would be for a short time, just to get things stabilized. If you weren't on meds, you'd be put on meds. If you refused the meds, well, there's nothing that anyone can do to help you, really. Therapy only goes so far. Bipolar is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and that's what meds try to help. There are many good meds out there (and granted, there are also a lot of bad meds as well)... I would point you in the direction of your nearest pdoc - keep hunting until you find one that you trust. And don't be afraid to trust - they are not there to hurt you. They have come into a helping profession for a reason.

I hope what I said makes sense. If you want elaboration on any of it, feel free to either PM or visitor message me, or just respond to this thread. I'll be checking back.

 

[Starforsaken]

Thanks for replying. I've taken a couple of those breif at home bipolar tests and scored very high on all of them, for mania/depression not just unipolar shifts. I'm going to look into getting checked out by a doctor. Though I'm feeling good/content now, I don't want to go into another severe low and have another breakdown. Thanks again for sharing your story and advice, I'll post back about how things work out.

 

[Soulwings]

I'm glad you're thinking about going to see the doctor. That's good news. You're welcome for sharing. Best of luck, and yes, please do keep us updated on how things are going.

 

[ben0r]

You need to let go of the past and forgive whatever needs to be forgiven, or nothing else the world offers will help. If God took someone from your life, you need to know that everything happens for a reason. Professional help could be a start to sorting out the past, but you'll one day need to give all that pain and suffering up to Christ. The past will never change.

I experienced a very devastating trauma in college. For months I would literally cry out to God at night with 1000s of "whys" and "if I had done this...". Everything about my life had changed, I lost 55 pounds in 4 months through diet and exercise. But the better my body got on the outside, the worse I was getting on the inside. I had never been trying so hard with my life and I be spiraling downward mentally. During the peak of pain, I self-diagnosed my essence as bipolar. All of my pain ended when God entered my heart one amazing night back in 2005. I'll never forget it.

Use your experience as a witness. God never shuts a door without opening a window.

 

[Alaskamomma]

Thank you for your post. It was very good from the standpoint that you were able to put so much of yourself out there. I can relate to 98% of what you have written.

I was diagnosed three years ago come January. Although, now looking back at my life, I know I had it from an early age. Crystal clear. How I wish my parents would have taken me to someone so they could have diagnosed it early and I could have hopefully spared so much pain to others and to myself. But, nothing like arm-chair quarterbacking the past.

I was extremely creative before I went on meds. I lost all creativity and had no inspiration to do any of it for a very long time. Now, I have gained 50% of it back. I felt like being on meds that I lost myself. I question every decision. Yet people who know me tell me I am "stable and easy to be around." Maybe that is true, but it came with a price tag. Being on meds is not easy. I felt like a guinea pig for the longest time. Now I am on one med and I think I am doing okay on it. I did go through a depression a little while back... but I cycle like that each year.

I also went through a phase of questioning what I believed in. My relationship with God is there, but not as deep as it once was. Mainly because I believed and acted a certain way when I was high that put me close to a saint. Now I question every experience that I had with God trying to decipher what was ME and what was actually God.

I don't mean to sound like a wet blanket. But this is MY experience with bipolar.

I do welcome you to the forum and hope you will continue posting. I don't post all the time, but I do read almost everything.

 

[Starforsaken]

I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist for tomorrow morning.

To Benor, thanks for your insight. For me it is partially about the past, that is the normal depression that comes to people from trauma or suffering. What I have is totally different from that sort of depression. I can look back at times I was actually depressed about actual things and it is nothing compared to this. For one, this kind of depression occurs for no reason at all. It isn't that I'm not letting go, it is a chemical imbalance; I have preyed but it has stayed with me my whole life (the cycling).

Alaskamomma I understand what you're saying completely. That's what I fear as well about going to this psychiatrist. I want to be balanced because the low points are just not worth it... But such a large part of my being, identity, personality, tastes, interests have been created by those times, if not all of them. I'm going through with the visit because I'm fairly certain I had a nervous breakdown or burnout or whatever they call it. I haven't made up my mind about the medication. Looking back, many of the religous highs/experiences I thought I was having are all linked to panic attacks, sleep apnea (I have had sleep paralysis on a few occasions). Though many of my actions were spurned on by chemical imbalances out of my control, I still retain belief in a God; though we may suffer terribly, I can still remember the beauty and complexity of our world from the moments when I wasn't depressed. Life is short, no matter how you look at it, in the end all our joys and all our sufferings will have been a flash on an eternal timespan. If this is the thing that I have to suffer, so be it. Throughout history many before me have suffered this condition in an age where there was no medicine, and they were probably called witches or possessed by demons and killed for their sickness. Blessed are the sick... I don't believe in a black and white, right and wrong, this is sin this isn't sin, etc. set of rules anymore. Having this has stopped me from judging others, people may do horrible things, but you can never ever truly experience what is going on inside them. I believe that there are many people who do not call themselves christian but live by the spirit of christianity; just as there are many who call themselves christian but do not contain any ounce of the love professed by Jesus.

Take care!

 

[Jeshu]

You talk about severe trauma - age 12 - I did as well, I just survived a sexual and very violent assault. My raging self and my voices all appeared after this event in my life. So along with having been diagnosed Bipolar and Schizo-Affective later on, I also carry the tag P.T.S.D, it seems that this medical problem - extreme trauma causes this to come alive within - and appears to be with us all our lives.

So please remember that counselling is going to be just as, if not more important, as medications. Indeed good counselling has stabilised me more than medications have been able to do!

Please don't down play your trauma experience when you see the doctor, I did and suffered badly for years without getting good skills in dealing with my emotional fits.

Best of luck!

Gerry

 

[Starforsaken]

Just got back from my appointment. As of now he doesn't think I'm bipolar but he said it is possible. He said I've been suffering from major depression from stress and past trauma that has built up over the years. He's starting me on Lexapro for the depression, and for times when I feel 'manic' a tranquillizer. I feel really great today, don't know if it was the visit and talking about what I felt or something else, but I'll keep you updated.

 

[Alive again]

So glad to hear the appt went well. Praying for you. One word of caution, if you do have bp, antidepressants alone can send you into a mania. I hope this is not so for you and that you are someone they found the right drug for right off the bat! Prayers!

 

[Alaskamomma]

One thing about anti-depressants. If you have bipolar and your doctor has missed it, then anti-depressants can send a person into a mania. Pay attention to your moods. If you start to feel manic like... call your doctor. I have heard too many cases of a doctor misses the bipolar diagnosis and putting them on anti-depressants and it spends them into a real high.

Hope you do well with it, though. I shall keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Starforsaken]

Well it's only the second day on this medication, but as I said I had already been feeling better the morning of the visit prior to taking any. It's kind of scarey that I'm happy and totally fine now but just a few days ago I thought I didn't even exist, didn't want to do anything etc. I have been a bit hyper actually, I was cursing and getting impatient over little things earlier but I was able to control it, mostly. I don't really like the idea of being on meds, and since I've taken them I've read up on the withdrawal side effects of lexapro. The guy I'm seeing told me there weren't any major side effects while being on it but from what I've read, there's sexual dysfunction, teeth jittering, brain shocks, insomnia etc. Last night even though I was really tired (I had been up since 6 am and had not had much sleep for days prior) it took me 3 hours laying in bed to fall asleep; that feeling when your eyes just want to open up and stay open. I don't feel tired now but I have really dark rings under my eyes. I've decided to stop eating processed sugars, drinking caffein (though I haven't been taking in either for about 3 days now) and taking omega 3 capsuls, eating nuts, fruit and a multivitamin a few times a day. I'm also keeping a log of my moods, the psychiatrist didn't tell me to keep one but I think it will be good.

 

[Alive again]

Sounds oh so familiar to me. Be sure to be honest about these things when you see your doc. Lexapro is one of those meds that takes 4-8 weeks to see effects of. I also take omega 3's 5 caps a day and a Multivit and limit my caffeine. And I think a mood log is a wonderful idea! Blessings on you!
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