I dont know what to make of this

I am not sure why I want to post this. I guess it’s because I feel like something is going on that’s beyond my control. This will probably be long but I will do my best to make sense of it all.
As most of you probably already know my husband had an affair. It was the 2nd one that he has had. Anyway there are some things that have happened during and after that affair that make me think that something like spiritual warfare is going on.

The way his affair started does not make good sense. This woman, who pushed and pushed to have an affair with him, it’s almost like she fell out of the sky. He has a vague recollection of seeing her before but claims he didn’t really even know her. He said it was like a Hi, Bye, type of thing when he saw her in public places.
So look at it this way, a grey haired bald old man suddenly is chased relentlessly by a woman young enough to be his daughter. Does that even make any sense? If you think it’s for money, well I can tell you we are not rich at all.

Then he has the affair and it lasts about four weeks, then he went to a motel with her, he feels guilty about what he did, so he confesses to me. We discussed it all night long and the next day around noon we go outside for him to make the call to tell her to never contact him again. We had decided to try to work on our marriage. The second he starts to dial, he gets a text, from her, and she never texted on the weekend, ever. It just so happened to be the second he starts to dial? Anyway he told her to go away and ended things with her right there and then.

Next we get into several fights because I am so upset about all of this. One night we check the email and there’s this weird email. In it there’s this link to some porn video, the woman in the video did look something like me although she was heavier I think. I can say this, it was not me. I even think back though my whole manic episode several years ago, and thought if I could have done anything like that being delusional and out of my head for two weeks.

I can say I didn’t do it, even though I was crazy as a loon, I do remember what went on during that manic episode. Plus most of that time I spent in two different hospitals so I don’t think I could have done anything like that. You can’t just leave the hospital; you’re pretty much locked in there till they let you release you to a family member. They did give me some shots that knocked me unconscious, but that’s about the only time I don’t remember.

Then I thought about this. The email said that they found my email in their boyfriend’s phone along with that video. Well that would be impossible because at the time I was manic I had a totally different email address, even on a different server, the one I have now is way more recent, so that has to be a lie. The email said from two or three years ago as well. Well two years ago the email I have now did not exist. The email address I have now isn’t actually even mine, it’s my husbands, but I share it with him. So someone has sent this thing to hurt me and to hurt my marriage. Why? I don’t know.

You might be saying, well maybe you did have an affair and you’re trying to cover something up. Well, at this point in my marriage, my husband has had two affairs; if I had done something I would not have to lie about it, or even try. Why would I lie? I mean, I would have to try pretty hard to mess up as bad as he has so I would just tell him the truth. It’s just I don’t like people saying I did something that I did not do, or whatever that was about. I wonder if I have been slandered now, and why?

Plus I will say this. I live in a tiny town and I looked over the guy in that video and so has my husband and neither of us have ever seen that guy before. In this town you see the same faces, even if you don’t know them, year after year. That guy, I have never seen before, and also, he looked pretty gross. Not the type of guy I would ever have an interest in even if I was crazy.

I honestly love my husband or I sure as heck would not still be in this marriage after he had two affairs. I have no interest in that man in the video, or any man for that matter. Never have and never will. I love my husband very much even though I am so hurt, I feel like I have been torn apart by wolves.

On a normal day I usually don’t even have a car to have gone anywhere to do anything like that. Plus, my adult disabled step son is always here with me, and would know if I left to go anywhere. The fact is I am never alone so I could not possibly done anything like that. I don’t even go to the store alone because I have anxiety and panic attacks.

My husband says he believes me, and knows that video could not have been me, but I still wonder if someone isn’t running around claiming that was something I did. He also says that had someone did something like that to me, when I was manic, that it would have been the equivalent to a rape because I was so far out of my head I could not have made a decision to do that, or much of anything. I was pretty far gone, and then had a reaction to the meds and it made everything much worse. That’s why I had to go to the 2nd hospital because the meds they had me on made me more manic.

There is a bunch more stuff that has happened that just isn’t right and some of it didn’t happen to me so it’s not like the crazy bipolar lady is the only one having really weird things happen. I just don’t know, I don’t want to seem like a nut but some of this stuff really makes me wonder if this isn’t some kind of satanic attack. I might go into some of the other stuff later; I just feel weird enough telling this stuff that went on.

Thank you

Yeah I know I didn't do anything. I am just really bothered that people will think I did. The fact that email showed up when it did, right in the middle of one of the worst fights we have ever had seemed a little satanic. Other stuff has been going on too that I cant explain. I will pray about it and hope things keep improving.

I will say this, lately my life has been just about more than I can bear. They say God don't give you more than you can handle, I am beginning to wonder if that statement is true.

Lovin God

You know I have wondered that myself. One councilor a while back (after first affair) mentioned he might be bipolar. Honestly I don't know. I have not seen mania from him but the way he describes the affairs seems almost like a manic episode. Its like his brain isn't working right. I liken him to a car with no brakes (boundaries).

The way they describe affairs in the books, almost the exact same brain chemicals that are involved in mania are involved in affairs. There's a few differences but its pretty close to the same thing. He told me once that his thinking was so impaired while he was having those affairs he thinks people caught up in affairs need locked up in the hospital until they can think clearly.

I did do a lot of thinking over the long weekend. You know, I didn't do this video thing and someone did set out to kick me when I was at my lowest. I could not figure out why someone would do this. I mean what have I done to make someone do something like this to me.

Then it came to me. I asked my husband did that other woman ever have access to his phone. He said no. I asked was there ever a time when she was alone with his phone. He said no. I said, did you ever go to the bathroom while at the motel and leave your phone in the room with her. He said yes a couple times. So I think I know where this came from now. She got the email from his phone. Its not locked, would take about a minute to pull it up.

He was angry that she would dig through his phone (because its immoral) so I said do you really think a woman who hunts down and sleeps with married men would be, or have, morals? I am sure digging through someone's phone is small taters if you can set out to wreck a home.

All I know is I didn't do it. I did not do that video and I have not had any one touch me other than my husband in over 20 years. Who ever did this, I am giving it back to them now. I prayed to God and told him He knows the truth about me and about who ever did this, He can judge them and handle it. I am letting God handle all of this because I am not strong and I cant handle it on my own.

Ludicrous said:

I had a friend whom I will call BJ, lived about two hours away and her son lived in another state.

She was telling me that her son just up and started having an affair with this woman that decided to be a "friend" and she would come to the house and insinuate herself into the household, and the husband was letting her. He actually accused his wife of being paranoid and jealous. But this woman was practically taking over.

Her daughter-in-law was devastated and had talked to BJ about it and she said it didn't make a bit of sense.

So this goes on and on and the marriage is really being damaged and I said BJ, here's what it is.

Those in the occult pray against Christian marriages. That's one of their first priorities and is also like putting notches on a rifle stock.

You all need to get together and agree in prayer and bind and rebuke anything demonic that is going on between your son and this woman and anything that she has prayed/performed over them or their marriage. She will continue to insinuate herself into that household and she will destroy that marriage if they continue to allow it.

Well about a week and a half later, she called up with a praise report. That woman never came back.

But yeah, in instances of spiritual warfare, really weird things do happen.

Most people don't realize that marriage is based upon a covenant between two people and God and those in the occult would like nothing more than to get the two people to break their vows to God and to each other.

Your husband needs to repent.

You need to go to the Lord in prayer and seek God on this issue.

You both need to start asking the Lord to deliver you from temptation of any kind, to put a guard on your thought life, and to love one another the way the Lord wants you to.

Also, you need to have a sitdown with your husband and ask him to think really hard and see if there is anything he has come into agreement with that is not of God prior to all of this and you do that same on your side.

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I had a post typed out for you then some white window thing popped up and it ate my post. Yeah I think your right, way too many things have gone on through out this for this to be normal. Heck I cant even post about it because the computer eats my post.

I am going to pray and try to get closer to God. I have been really upset with God lately because basically I guess I am feeling sorry for myself. I just don't want to go through this much pain again. I have had a pretty messed up life and I wonder when is it my turn to have a good life like other people do. I guess its not Gods fault but it does hurt and its hard to deal with.

AnotherUniverse said:

I have been in your shoes and thought I would pass along something I learned along the way.

First

Draw closer to God, and never let go. There is not anything that we have done or will do that can separate us from the love of God. Roman 8:38-39 I am persuaded that neither death nor life nor Angels nor principalities nor powers nor things present nor things to come nor height nor depth nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Right now, you maybe wondering if God loves me so much then why am I having such a hard time, why is my life so miserable? The answer is simple, change your life style and obey His word. Put your trust in Him and not in the World or the things of the World. Proverb 3:5-6 says trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.

Also

Some days you don’t feel much love for the person you married. Some days you don’t even like the person you married. These feelings can be worked through, however. Love is not always about emotion. Love is a decision. When you aren’t feeling the love for your spouse, this is the time to make a decision to love anyway. Show love even if you are not feeling love. This is probably one of the most difficult things to do in a marriage, but it is vital to the health of your relationship. When you show love that you are not necessarily feeling, something miraculous happens. You will slowly begin to feel that love for your spouse again.

Click to expand...

Thanks,

I am trying to get closer to God. My lifestyle isn't much, I don't even know why bad stuff keeps happening to me. Its not like I go out and do bad things. My day pretty much consists of being at home, doing homework, working with my son, cooking, cleaning and going to the store with my husband every week.

I did go to the city and go to some bookstores and thrift stores because that's what I wanted to do for our anniversary. But that's about the sum of my life. Nothing really happens, its not like I go out to bars or run wild.

I made huge changes after his first affair. I didn't argue, I didn't fight. I did my best, but it happened anyway. The books say its not about the betrayed spouse, I didn't cause this. Its about his issues, and not about me. I think they are right. The only thing that I can think of that was going wrong was that we had hardly any place to talk because our grown kids had to move back in with us (no privacy). The economy stinks and its happening to most families these days.

I do actually love my husband but what he did does hurt me a great deal. The biggest problem I have is that I don't feel loved anymore. I can read the books and know intellectually how these affairs work. Its the part where I have to reconcile it with my emotions that does not work at all. I guess my feelings need to be set aside somehow and ignore them until I can get through this.

Anyway I am going to leave this board now. I have been thinking and maybe its my attachment disorder or whatever but I think it best I deal with my life by myself and just give my problems to God.

Several years ago I thought I had these friends on the internet. Well, as it turns out, they were not my friends. Some of them were really bad people and have likely followed me and probably are having a good time reading about my problems. I just don't want to deal with people like that anymore. Life's too short to deal with stuff like that. I am giving those problems to the Lord as well.

I have a life to live, and sort out, and I am going to just focus on God and my family. Try to be the best person I can be, because the way it looks, I don't think it will be much longer until the Lord returns and we will all see Him face to face. I cannot wait for that day. All of this, pain, misery, anguish, will be gone.

I have always been taught that there is one last prophecy that has to be fulfilled before the end times can start. Well, it looks like they are doing their best to make that happen. I guess I will just have to wait and see what they do.

Anyway thanks for the advice and good luck.

Goodbye
Hopes

Just a slight update. I have been SO SO busy that I don't have time to really write anything. One of the classes I am in is a lot like picking up mandarin Chinese by listening to people speak it so I have to devote pretty much all of my time to study.

Well I am more convinced than ever that something odd is going on in my life. I guess I must go into the backstory then I can explain what happened.

Soon after I found out about my husbands 2nd affair, I looked up the other woman's significant other. I did it to tell him what was going on and to trade information about what he knew. I figured he had the right to know. Anyway this guy, a real dirt bag, I caught him in a few lies and got angry and I wont speak to him ever again.

He said some things about my husband, which I am not sure if are true or not but it put that doubt in my head. Things like my husband goes to this internet site and posts personal adds looking for women. Well, I didn't know if I believed my husband or that guy. I still am not sure what I believe but am leaning towards believing my husband cause I know he cant do that kind of thing at work and I don't think he would try to do something like that at home because I would catch him.

Anyway every since that guy told me this stuff I have been going to that site. Not to post adds or anything sinister. Just to make sure nothing is going on and my husband is being truthful. Its an awful place, its a lot like wading around in the village sewer pond everyday. I will say this, it did renew my faith in God because I have seen the depravity of the godless. I will just say its a disgusting place and soon if I don't find anything I am going to stop going there.

Anyway so I go there and there's this add on there where I think it might be someone looking for me from my past, like over 20 years ago, before I had even met my husband. Now I know there is no way someone from over 20 years is all a sudden looking for a long lost friend. And yes, he was only my friend, nothing ever happened, and nothing ever will.

Anyway I did not answer the add, I will never answer the add, the guy can look forever but he isn't going to find me. I am thinking, wonder if this is supposed to be some sort of temptation? If it is, it aint working, I don't feel tempted, and for some reason it just makes me angry. Oh and I told my husband about it too. I don't keep anything from him, and especially something like this.

I just have to shake my head at this. Things like this keep happening. Maybe its a test? I have no idea but I do know I am not falling for it. There are NO cracks in my armor and very little is tempting to me ESPECIALLY men. Yeah like I want another one? ROFL!!!! I have married two that cheated on me, like I would want another one?

If you knew how funny that is to me, I would laugh harder but I got a severe headache and it makes my head hurt to laugh. I will just say, you couldn't run fast enough to give me the best one on earth. I am seriously done. If my marriage don't work out, then I am not falling for this again. I will stay alone the rest of my life.

Well this is getting to be long and I have a ton of study and my head hurts so bad right now so guess I will get off of here.

Hopes

Oaksfan,

You know your right, there is nothing I can do about this. Nothing at all. That video really upset me because I did not want others to think that I would do something that vile. I guess if people really know me they would not think it was me and if they wanted to think it was me then nothing I could do or say would make any difference anyway.

I did think of something though that pretty much proves that could not have been me. I don't know why this did not come to me earlier but this weekend I had an ah ha moment. I will go into the back story and the rest. Ok about 2 years ago, around the time this alleged video was made I had an accident.

It was probably some where around 4:30 in the morning and I was running down the steps and all a sudden it felt like someone hit me in the leg with a bat or shot me in the leg. I heard a pop and my leg just gave out and I went straight down on to the ground.

I went down hard right on to the little walkway me and my husband had made. Anyway I could not walk and I tried to stand up and couldn't so I had to crawl back up the steps and then try to hoist myself up onto my bed (which is extremely tall but more about that later). Finally I got ahold of my cell phone and called my husband and told him to come back and take me to the ER.

Long story short, and one hateful ER dr later and an MRI I had ripped my a muscle in my leg right above my ankle. It was pretty bad and the dr said if I had ripped it much worse I would have needed surgery to fix it. So to speed this up a little, I had two different casts, and then an air boot so in total I was out of commission for at least 4 months. I was on crutches and crashing into things because of the ice and snow. Then after that, I walked with a limp for probably close to a year.

Now with this being said, that video that was supposed to be me and happened in the time frame that it was supposed to have happened. I can say with all certainty (not to be crude) that I don't think it would even have been possible for me to accomplish some of the things in that video. No way I could have put any weight on that ankle without a ton of pain. That thing took forever to heal and still sometimes it hurts me if I twist the wrong way.

Your probably wondering why I was running out of the house at 4:30 in the morning. Well I am going to tell the truth. I did lie to my dr about this and to my husband for years about it. I didn't want to deal with this but the truth will set you free I guess.

During my husbands first affair he would write love notes to the other woman in the car. He was out in the driveway for what seemed like a really long time that morning. I freaked out and wanted to see what he was doing out there so long so I ran down the steps to surprise him (or catch him).

Yeah I still had triggers or flashbacks around 10 years after affair #1 and probably always will have them. I lied to my doctor because I did not want to try to explain it to him and I lied to my husband because I did not want him to feel at fault for me being injured.

So no this wasn't me and is probably even physically impossible for that to have been me. So what am I going to do? Absolutely nothing. I have decided I just don't care what anyone thinks. I know the truth, my husband knows the truth, and most importantly God know the truth, and that's what matters.

Seriously, I have probably been called worse things by better people anyway. If it makes someone feel better by making up lies about me and slapping me upside the head then, here is the other cheek, slap it too. I am not going to fight or put up a fuss. I am not going to seek revenge, I made a decision to stop trying to play God and let Him do his job. He said "vengeance is mine, I will repay" and so it is. So I wash my hands of it and will let Him handle it.

I will just say, whoever did something like that when I was at my absolute lowest, it says something about that person. However I am not going to judge, let Him judge. Let them explain that to my Father.

I will say if they want to send out more doppelganger porn at least get the room and bed right. My bed is custom made, by a little old guy in KY. The headboard is at least 6 foot tall and has features such as writing on it from when my now grown sons were little and learning to write. Words like MOM, DAD, DOG and CAT are proudly displayed on the headboard and will remain on that headboard.

It has puppy chew marks on it and the varnish is wearing off in some places from cleaning it. It is also falling apart and is missing one of them little ball thingys (its in the shed) and it tends to collapse and throw myself, mattresses and all into the floor. My husband built a 2x4 frame under it to hold up the mattresses.

He offered to replace it many times but I love that darn bed. So I keep fixing it and will keep fixing it when it falls apart. Oh and yeah, since its custom and the guy who made it was pretty old so unless he was immortal, its probably impossible to get another one like it. With the size of his business I doubt there were many ever made and the way its falling apart I doubt of those there are any hardly any left. So good luck whoever wants to make the doppelganger porn. Finding a bed like that will be a challenge.

Yeah I am going to try to get closer to God. My husband found this pastor guy that has a radio show and he likes him a lot. I think I am going to start listening to him too. Honestly, I don't know why anyone or even the devil would want to attack me. Its not like I really matter, I have no power, or anything that would matter to anyone. All I am is a housewife that lives out in the woods, no one knows me and I don't really make a difference in the scheme of things. I am going to listen anyway and try to make sense of it all.