(I posted this in the separation and restoration forums b/c i don't know where i belong anymore.
I have questions about divorce. I must tell you my story first. Please forgive me if I'm longwinded but I can't explain the situation in summary form.
I met my husband early February 2006. We had been friends online for a while, but b/c of the format, and that I wanted so desperately to be free of fornication in my life, we took our time in meeting. Online and over the phone Joey's committment to the Lord intimidated me. I felt like a babe in Christ, and was a little fearful that I was not ready for him. His bible was his constant companion, he was a devoted reader, and prayed for at the very least an hour daily without interruption. When we decided to date on Valentines Day, it didn't take much longer for him to declare to me that he felt certain the Lord blessed him and that I would be his wife. We "fell" instantly for each other. We began to discuss our lives together, and although I'd never been married or had children, I had a promiscuous background that included an unwanted pregnancy. He admitted that he had been previously married before, and that his wife left him for another man. During the time he claimed to have "searched" for his wife, he met a young woman and she became pregnant. When the woman was 3 months pregnant, his wife returned, and he said the was convicted to return to his wife, and end his relationship. Thus, his relationship with the woman remains very strained. When I met him, he had said that the child was almost two, but he later admitted that the child was only 9 months old, and was born in 2005, one month before his divorce became final. I believed him that he was just hurt in the past, and had unusual circumstances, and did the best he could in a situation that he caused due to his sin of having a child out of wedlock while still legally married. I wanted to wait until I was married before sleeping with another man, but yielded b/c he had such a difficult time in the flesh. As time went on so did I, and out of conviction, we decided that it was better to marry than to burn, so we stopped the fornication, and then we were married in May. After the marriage, my husband wouldn't have sex with me, not even our wedding night. He only slept with me when I would cry and make him feel guilty. I think from May to October, we may have been together about 5 or 6 times. It became such a source of bitterness for me, I felt that my husband married me b/c he wanted to be a married man, I had my own place, good job, and he had returned home to his mother's after his separation. (I see the signs now, but I wouldn't look at them at the time). After a month of marriage, I discovered my husband was still online talking to other women. We had a very big fight, but made up. Then the sexual relationship slowed even more, and I blew up on him again, this time he went back to his mother's. His mother told me that I did what his ex-wife did, that her son was stubborn and I shouldn't do it again. He didn't want to come home, I MADE him come home. Things didn't get better. My bitterness grew, and behind my back he was talking to women online still. I talked to our pastor, and it lead to my husband not going to church anymore, his prayer life stopped, and he spent time with his siblings more than at home. When we would have problems, his little sister would come over, and they seemed to purposely dismiss that I lived there, as if I was the intruder. I began to be suspicious both about his sexuality and his relationship with his sister. If I went to a relative's home overnight, he wouldn't even call to see if I were dead or alive. When he left the home the first time, I went to maryland to visit my aunt, and he didn't call and when I called to tell him I was home, he said he was having the time of his life and it was just what he needed. We tried to get things on track, but they only got worse. After I found more emails and his sister constantly there day and night, I had had enough. I began to retaliate by calling my girlfriends and badmouthing him to no end. We would get into fights because I made sure he heard the calls. This lasted about 2 weeks, until I couldn't take it anymore and Dec 1 began our separation. I repented immediately, and tried to reconcile, and wanted counseling. Then I found out about two women he was trying to date who didn't know he was married. When I confronted him he said "not yet" about dating but he was getting to know them since October. I got so mad, that I emailed my ex-boyfriend and later spoke to him over the phone once before christmas. It was terribly wrong and I havn't spoken to any man since. After christmas I went home to sc to visit family and when I returned I found that Joey was staying at the house (he was picking up mail, but we didn't mention staying over). All of my marriage restoration and photos had been moved and haphazardly replaced. There were phone calls made with the call blocker and women answered the phone. But he was at work at the time, and I thought he'd moved completely in. When he came home, it was to get his stuff and I begged him to stay and wouldn't let him leave. He called the police on me. I've never had been involved with the police.
I wanted couples counseling. My husband says that preachers don't need to know his business (I didn't have pre-marital counselors b/c my husband said it didn't work for him the first time--since he'd been there, done that I thought he'd knew better than me). If anyone tried to talk to them he would do what he did to me the entire time we lived together, withdraw completely, and not even make a comment, unless it was something to divert the conversation to something minimal. I moved to a cheaper apartment, and for the past 3 months have been praying and fasting, and growing in the Lord, believing that my marriage would be made knew. I know that our timing at least was out of God's plan since the night we were married. My husband only came by when I had something for him, like his son's christmas, or important mail, but not for me, and certainly never to discuss our marriage. I believe the Lord told me to wait and watch His salvation come. Joey doesn't go to church anymore and he doesn't want to come home. I asked him last week if he had no intentions to ever return to this marriage Thursday. He questioned me about my ex-boyfriend whose number was still on the telephone. I told the truth. He called me a snake, a church lady, a nut, a hypocrite, that I was only interested in sex and would get it from anywhere, and if I wanted to be set free I could be free and that he wouldn't say anything to justify myself for wanting the "freedom" to have sex. I was angry, b/c he does not take any responsibility for anything, and I am completely at fault b/c I made him leave. The next day, I felt peace that I should let go. I never wanted to divorce my husband. I wanted God to deal with us both for our sins before our marriage and the way things had become afterwards. My husband seems so far away from God, that it's like the person before our marriage wasn't real at all. He hasn't shown that person since we got married. I'm at a place that I can let go now, and I don't feel that I'm the one who gave up, but my husband. He just doesn't want to "dirty" his hands by initiating a divorce, but would be very happy if I did. I don't think Joey's coming back home, and if he does it won't change things. I am buying a townhouse, and when he found out, he began to be more friendly, that's when I began to question him about returning home, and the events that just happened.
I really don't think I followed the Lord by marrying Joey so soon. I don't know if he was the wrong person altogether but definitely out of his will. Even when I realized that, I prayed for our marriage to come under the submission of God. I don't believe that I want this anymore. One day maybe 5 or 10 years from now, b/c I don't have any children (age 30 now), maybe I will be blessed with a family, and b/c my husband has a son, he is so cold he would purposely not divorce me nor come back home so that I would not be able to have children. I will not fornicate as a single person or married ever again. My life revolved too much about men and I've been so naive to marry b/c I was so insecure about not having someone to love. But I have Jesus, and if my life is to be alone, so be it. But this marriage has never been a marriage, it's only been about 10 months and we've been apart for almost half that time, and the other half living in the same house, but separately. Whe I am suffering in silence, my husband was happy, but if I voiced any concern, he would withdraw until I would get upset and argue, then he would be justified not to yield to my need or desire as his wife.
Please give me some insight. I feel that my husband has already divorced me, and if so I want to be free to move on with my life and serve the Lord rather than deal with this rejection. However if this suffering is what the Lord would have me do for Him, I will do it.
I have questions about divorce. I must tell you my story first. Please forgive me if I'm longwinded but I can't explain the situation in summary form.
I met my husband early February 2006. We had been friends online for a while, but b/c of the format, and that I wanted so desperately to be free of fornication in my life, we took our time in meeting. Online and over the phone Joey's committment to the Lord intimidated me. I felt like a babe in Christ, and was a little fearful that I was not ready for him. His bible was his constant companion, he was a devoted reader, and prayed for at the very least an hour daily without interruption. When we decided to date on Valentines Day, it didn't take much longer for him to declare to me that he felt certain the Lord blessed him and that I would be his wife. We "fell" instantly for each other. We began to discuss our lives together, and although I'd never been married or had children, I had a promiscuous background that included an unwanted pregnancy. He admitted that he had been previously married before, and that his wife left him for another man. During the time he claimed to have "searched" for his wife, he met a young woman and she became pregnant. When the woman was 3 months pregnant, his wife returned, and he said the was convicted to return to his wife, and end his relationship. Thus, his relationship with the woman remains very strained. When I met him, he had said that the child was almost two, but he later admitted that the child was only 9 months old, and was born in 2005, one month before his divorce became final. I believed him that he was just hurt in the past, and had unusual circumstances, and did the best he could in a situation that he caused due to his sin of having a child out of wedlock while still legally married. I wanted to wait until I was married before sleeping with another man, but yielded b/c he had such a difficult time in the flesh. As time went on so did I, and out of conviction, we decided that it was better to marry than to burn, so we stopped the fornication, and then we were married in May. After the marriage, my husband wouldn't have sex with me, not even our wedding night. He only slept with me when I would cry and make him feel guilty. I think from May to October, we may have been together about 5 or 6 times. It became such a source of bitterness for me, I felt that my husband married me b/c he wanted to be a married man, I had my own place, good job, and he had returned home to his mother's after his separation. (I see the signs now, but I wouldn't look at them at the time). After a month of marriage, I discovered my husband was still online talking to other women. We had a very big fight, but made up. Then the sexual relationship slowed even more, and I blew up on him again, this time he went back to his mother's. His mother told me that I did what his ex-wife did, that her son was stubborn and I shouldn't do it again. He didn't want to come home, I MADE him come home. Things didn't get better. My bitterness grew, and behind my back he was talking to women online still. I talked to our pastor, and it lead to my husband not going to church anymore, his prayer life stopped, and he spent time with his siblings more than at home. When we would have problems, his little sister would come over, and they seemed to purposely dismiss that I lived there, as if I was the intruder. I began to be suspicious both about his sexuality and his relationship with his sister. If I went to a relative's home overnight, he wouldn't even call to see if I were dead or alive. When he left the home the first time, I went to maryland to visit my aunt, and he didn't call and when I called to tell him I was home, he said he was having the time of his life and it was just what he needed. We tried to get things on track, but they only got worse. After I found more emails and his sister constantly there day and night, I had had enough. I began to retaliate by calling my girlfriends and badmouthing him to no end. We would get into fights because I made sure he heard the calls. This lasted about 2 weeks, until I couldn't take it anymore and Dec 1 began our separation. I repented immediately, and tried to reconcile, and wanted counseling. Then I found out about two women he was trying to date who didn't know he was married. When I confronted him he said "not yet" about dating but he was getting to know them since October. I got so mad, that I emailed my ex-boyfriend and later spoke to him over the phone once before christmas. It was terribly wrong and I havn't spoken to any man since. After christmas I went home to sc to visit family and when I returned I found that Joey was staying at the house (he was picking up mail, but we didn't mention staying over). All of my marriage restoration and photos had been moved and haphazardly replaced. There were phone calls made with the call blocker and women answered the phone. But he was at work at the time, and I thought he'd moved completely in. When he came home, it was to get his stuff and I begged him to stay and wouldn't let him leave. He called the police on me. I've never had been involved with the police.
I wanted couples counseling. My husband says that preachers don't need to know his business (I didn't have pre-marital counselors b/c my husband said it didn't work for him the first time--since he'd been there, done that I thought he'd knew better than me). If anyone tried to talk to them he would do what he did to me the entire time we lived together, withdraw completely, and not even make a comment, unless it was something to divert the conversation to something minimal. I moved to a cheaper apartment, and for the past 3 months have been praying and fasting, and growing in the Lord, believing that my marriage would be made knew. I know that our timing at least was out of God's plan since the night we were married. My husband only came by when I had something for him, like his son's christmas, or important mail, but not for me, and certainly never to discuss our marriage. I believe the Lord told me to wait and watch His salvation come. Joey doesn't go to church anymore and he doesn't want to come home. I asked him last week if he had no intentions to ever return to this marriage Thursday. He questioned me about my ex-boyfriend whose number was still on the telephone. I told the truth. He called me a snake, a church lady, a nut, a hypocrite, that I was only interested in sex and would get it from anywhere, and if I wanted to be set free I could be free and that he wouldn't say anything to justify myself for wanting the "freedom" to have sex. I was angry, b/c he does not take any responsibility for anything, and I am completely at fault b/c I made him leave. The next day, I felt peace that I should let go. I never wanted to divorce my husband. I wanted God to deal with us both for our sins before our marriage and the way things had become afterwards. My husband seems so far away from God, that it's like the person before our marriage wasn't real at all. He hasn't shown that person since we got married. I'm at a place that I can let go now, and I don't feel that I'm the one who gave up, but my husband. He just doesn't want to "dirty" his hands by initiating a divorce, but would be very happy if I did. I don't think Joey's coming back home, and if he does it won't change things. I am buying a townhouse, and when he found out, he began to be more friendly, that's when I began to question him about returning home, and the events that just happened.
I really don't think I followed the Lord by marrying Joey so soon. I don't know if he was the wrong person altogether but definitely out of his will. Even when I realized that, I prayed for our marriage to come under the submission of God. I don't believe that I want this anymore. One day maybe 5 or 10 years from now, b/c I don't have any children (age 30 now), maybe I will be blessed with a family, and b/c my husband has a son, he is so cold he would purposely not divorce me nor come back home so that I would not be able to have children. I will not fornicate as a single person or married ever again. My life revolved too much about men and I've been so naive to marry b/c I was so insecure about not having someone to love. But I have Jesus, and if my life is to be alone, so be it. But this marriage has never been a marriage, it's only been about 10 months and we've been apart for almost half that time, and the other half living in the same house, but separately. Whe I am suffering in silence, my husband was happy, but if I voiced any concern, he would withdraw until I would get upset and argue, then he would be justified not to yield to my need or desire as his wife.
Please give me some insight. I feel that my husband has already divorced me, and if so I want to be free to move on with my life and serve the Lord rather than deal with this rejection. However if this suffering is what the Lord would have me do for Him, I will do it.
