I don't know what I am

[poorlittlerichgirl]

I submitted this in the Chaplain's forum, but I didn't realise this page existed then, so I'm reposting now.

There are so many problems in the world, and mine is only a drop in the ocean. If anybody could give me an answer, I would be so grateful.

Everything I am saying has been approved by the other girl this involves. I'll call her "Charlotte."

Charlotte and I met online in 2009. We both found out we were Christians, and became best friends fast. We both live very far apart from each other. It takes several plane rides to arrive at each other's homes.

We met in May and July 2010. After July, we felt something deeper grow beneath us. With daily constant texting and such great chemistry between us both, an intense emotional attachment grew between us. It built up until we couldn't contain our feelings anymore in September 2010. We both admitted that there was something deeper between us, and that we didn't want to spend our lives with anyone else. At this point, Charlotte had decided to apply to attend my university. We were so afraid that we were gay. We know it's wrong, but we can't stand seeing each other with another guy (we had crushes, but nothing came of them. Now, well, read on).

Between September and December, we tried to label what we were. We didn't want to have sex with each other, we just wanted to be together for the rest of our lives.

Charlotte came to visit me for two weeks during Christmas. Things became really intense. We cuddled during movies, held hands when we were alone, and we eventually kissed on the lips. I felt romantically about it (not aroused), but Charlotte regularly kisses her mom on the lips and felt like she was kissing me because she loves me.
New Years Day was...bad. Charlotte was cold and climbed into my bed (she slept in the guest bedroom during the whole visit). She was leaving the next day which made us both sad. Feelings of loss and separation overcame us, and...we made out. We couldn't stop. It didn't go beyond the lips and we didn't shift around in the bed.
Then something bad happened. My mom caught us. Still to this day, I don't know how much she saw, but once Charlotte left I was seriously confronted with it. I admitted to it after a long battle, but I don't ever want to bring it up with my parents again. That's why I'm here asking people what is wrong with me instead of my parents. Sometimes anonymousness is more comforting than familiarity.

Neither of us want to be gay. We have no desire to be with men or to have families. We are two stubborn young women who are excited with what the world offers and dread the life of domesticity (even though our parents drill it into our head everyday that it is the system God made for people to follow). We have looked into asexuality (the lack of desire to have sex), and well, if neither of us never had sex, it wouldn't be any hardship on us. We often joke about becoming the world's oldest virgins. To be brutally honest (as this thread has been), the sight of the male anatomy disgusts us both. We have no problem being friends with males, we just dislike their sexual natures. We would choose cheesecake over sex.

Again, here is what we want: no sex, just to live with each other for the rest of our lives. We vowed to never get carried away again even though we will be tempted to once she moves up for school (she has been accepted). We have made our peace with God, but our consciences will not leave us alone. We need to know what to label ourselves as.

Ever since being caught, my mom has been talking nonstop about babies and marriage and not being alone in my old age. It's so annoying. She knows I don't want the domestic life. She doesn't know that I am disgusted by the very idea of sex. Charlotte and I have the same dreams and future career goals. Why live alone when we have each other?

Please, somebody, tell me if we are gay or not. Wanting to be with her seems to be like this horrible thing even though I can't see anything wrong with it. Is something as comforting as being held by her considered a sin? Sometimes I do desire to kiss her (even though she is hundreds of miles away), but I try my hardest to fight it.

Please help.

 

[Fenny the Fox]

If you are not interested, even "disgusted by the idea of" sex, then you are not likely gay, straight, anything else typical. You may want to look up Asexual, hun.

But!

My advice: don't worry about labels. Labels are for soup cans, not people.

If she is moving up for school, see where it goes from there. Take it slow, as anyone should - regardless of the sex or any thing else. Slow just seems to work better, from what I have seen.

I will disagree with many I see post, and many that will, I am sure. But, hear me out, if you are not interested in sex I do not see it being an issue. I am of the opinion (and this is only my reading and opinion) that the Bible only condemns the sexual action between two of the same sex, not the relationship otherwise.

And one need not have sex to have a close and intimate relationship with someone else. If you are comfortable with the label of "girlfriends" (in that way, then don't use them). If you are uncomfortable with the idea of being "gay", then don't worry about labels. If you simply want to be good, close friends and share your lives, why should that be any problem?

I hope I made at least a little sense. And I hope your life turns out alright and things go good for you, dear.
May God bless you.

 

[Ssarl]

I don't think it's the best idea to look to others for labels.
Partly because it's never that simple; people just don't fit into neat categories. Sexuality is complex and varied, and takes some people years to figure out.

You'll never be happy trying to fit with what others think is right. If you pretend to want the right things and never admit to yourself what you really want, you'll be miserable. You have to find out for yourself what you want, and whether it's the right thing to do. If you are honest with God about it, He can help a lot.

 

[espo]

Hummmm Well, nothing is wrong with it, per se. Heres what I would say if you were my sister. If you are a Christian (which I beleive you are) and if you believe the Bible where it indicates that ALL sex outside of marriage, even sex between boy and girl, man and woman ..... is wrong in the eyes of God, then until your conscience is bothered, have your relationship with the girl. Who knows if its sexual or not ? other then you. Maybe you just want that emotional stuff, the cuddling, the not being alone part. Honestly, guys arent all that good at that stuff so let the Holy Spirit be your guide and when or if you are bothered by your relationship, like you think it might be going into a sexual thing, then put the brakes on.
Life is horrible to be alone, is a world built for two, not one.
Just remember that your relationship with God is first and foremost, and we are on earth to love Him above ourselves, thats the most important thing.

 

[Johnnz]

No ages to go by, but anyway...

We can have good same sex friendships that can be deeply satisfying. David and Jonathan is a biblical example. That does not imply homosexuality.

Depending on your age sexual development and its healthy integration can take time to settle and there can be some interesting times while that is still underway.

John
NZ

 

[Jazer]

Please, somebody, tell me if we are gay or not. Wanting to be with her seems to be like this horrible thing even though I can't see anything wrong with it. Is something as comforting as being held by her considered a sin? Sometimes I do desire to kiss her (even though she is hundreds of miles away), but I try my hardest to fight it.

Please help.

Read Romans Ch 1. "although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened." You need the Holy Spirit of God to show you how this all applys to you. This passage talks about how God will give people over to their unGodly passion and the reason why is explained.

 

[BorisL]

Hi princess .

So let's see what we have here. Based on everything that I have read from your post I think it would be safe to assume that you and your friend are simply soulmates, maybe even perfect soulmates. I mean I don't know what to call it other than that, because you say you don't want to have sexual relationship with her - you just want her to be with you forever... Am I right? However there are few parts of your post that I find difficult to understand (because I have no knowledge about all those sexuality things whatsoever), the one part where you say you made out with her, and the other where you say you want to kiss her. I mean that could very likely lead to a more serious form of relationship, mainly homosexuality (is the name of that term same for both men and women? I mean is it like this; gay/lesbian = homosexual ?).

Pardon me for my obvious lack of knowledge in this situation (I'm thankful to God for that lack though ). However if you think it might become more than simple soulbonding, namely that it would start having something to do with sex, I honestly believe, well it's just my opinion, that you should reconsider it. And again I apologize for telling you this, my intention is only to help you, not hurt you further, but I think your parents are right. The thing is God made a man and then from his body He made him a woman. So God didn't make a woman and then another woman nor did he make a man and another man. What I'm trying to say is that woman and man are both half of the whole when they are separated, and when they are together they become that whole - they become one. Now, Scripture also says that having that other half is not necesary and that a virgin is fine on his/her own. That's precisely what I am trying to say: either you have that other half of you (person with opposite gender), or you don't and you decide to be alone; there is nothing in between, but both paths are correct - that is according to the scripture. I know that's what your parents must have told you or something and I know that now I sounded something like this => .

But it's the truth and you can either run from it or embrace it . And btw, I almost forgot I still have something to say about that whole soulbonding/soulmating thing. So here we go!

How often do you hear your pastor in the curch repeating these words over and over again; "brothers and sisters"? I myself didn't quite understand that while I was younger and it was only when I started to grow up that I finaly got an idea of what that truly means. We truly are brothers and sisters in our Saviour, each of us being a descendand of Adam and Eve. And I believe that what you feel would be a casual and a normal thing to feel if we were in Heaven now and if there was no sin in our hearts, because let's face it, I believe it would be completely normal to hug another person and even to kiss that person in cheek or forehead even if it's a total stranger (which of course would not be the case in Heaven, you know no strangers in heaven => ?), because there would be no sexual urges and no evil tempting us. To back up my statement I will just say that when God created Adam and Eve they were both naked and they were not ashamed, instead they walked freely and without any kind of sin within their hearts. So I think that what you feel, that specific feeling of that unique bond is the original feeling of true love that was ment for all of us to feel for well... all of us. So there is nothing wrong with that. The problem starts when you say that you and her tried to make out, and that you kissed or whatnot. Well that, I'm sorry to say is the act of sin in both of your hearts - because it is the need of the flesh, and not of the Spirit. To fight that need of flesh you should keep submitting to God, and you should do it whenever that urge tries to take over. Maybe it would even be a better idea if both of you would pray together for guidance, that way you would not be tempted as easily. So I hope that helped a bit.

And one last thing concerning human, in this particular case male anatomy: well all I have to say is that God created us this way, we did not create ourselves. And as much as we might think that we look wrong, that we shouldn't have some parts of our body which we have, I am pretty sure God doesn't agree with that, because if He did, He would probably alter our physical appearance. So we are kind of "stuck" with our bodies as they are for now.

Anyway I hope that some of my words will shine in you as a beacon of hope and love and i hope that you both solve this situation with the love, truth and light that is our Saviour. Have a happy day!
God bless

BorisL

 

[lutherangerman]

Whatever you do, don't leave Jesus. He died for you to live with God forever. Even when what you have with that girl isn't entirely what Jesus wants, He will not abandon you, because Jesus is faithful. I would suggest making a firm commitment to an asexual relationship. That would be safest. But I know Jesus wouldn't leave you even if you turned out to be lesbians. You would still be His children. But seek Jesus, earnestly, sincerely, do fasting and prayer and wait for Jesus to speak to you. Ask Him to show you the best way.

I have an asexual friend. She's wonderful and many times I asked myself if I shouldn't try to live with her, because at that time I thought I was meant to stay celibate and single ... I just didn't want to be lonely for the rest of my life. But then to my surprise I found a girlfriend and we want to marry next year. I know God is in that relationship, which is a main reason why I stay in it. I know I can trust it, and as it turned out my future wife is a patient and persevering woman whom I can trust by all means.

Life can be confusing and it may turn out far different from what we expected. But in Jesus we have someone reliable who will not abandon us. He can have strange plans with someone, but isn't that spicing up our lives? Saving us from boredom and getting addicted to only having our own will?

Jesus loves you passionately. But seek Him and ask for His opinion and advice. Make it a firm decision in yourself to stick with Jesus no matter what. He is your God, your Light!

 

[Ellsee]

Recently, there was an article in USA Today on the subject of sexual orientation, labeling, and longer term study information. I was very surprised to find that according to a large study done by NCHS and CDCP over 80% of people who self identified as "gay" or "lesbian" or even "bi-sexual" renounce those labels by the age of 35.

*(I just found out I can't post the link, since I'm brand new here...actually, I was looking for advice for someone in a very similar situation to you--only one girl already self-identifies as lesbian) so--here's the link to copy and paste, you'll just have to add the http//w: ww.usatoday.com/news/opinion/forum/2011-05-23-Sex-survey-revelations-on-gay-identity_n.htm

Gay pride advocates applaud the courage of those who "come out," discovering their true nature as homosexual after many years of heterosexual experience. But enlightened opinion denies a similar possibility of change in the other direction, deriding anyone who claims straight orientation after even the briefest interlude of homosexual behavior and insisting they are phony and self-deluding. By this logic, heterosexual orientation among those with past gay relationships is always the product of repression and denial, but homosexual commitment after a straight background is invariably natural and healthy. In fact, numbers show huge majorities of those who "ever had same sex sexual contact" do not identify long-term as gay. Among women 18-44, for instance, 12.5% report some form of same sex contact at some point in their lives, but among the older segment of that group (35-44), only 0.7% identify as homosexual and 1.1% as bisexual.
In other words, for the minority who may have experimented with gay relationships at some juncture in their lives, well over 80% explicitly renounced homosexual (or even bisexual) self-identification by age of 35. For the clear majority of males (as well as women) who report gay encounters, homosexual activity appears to represent a passing phase, or even a fleeting episode, rather than an unshakable, genetically pre-determined orientation.

I heartily suggest you read this article before seeking any labels. That being said...as I've often told my own teens, we are sexual creatures....and as my own Mother's friend used to say, "If you hang out with hippopotami, you'll fall in love with a hippopptamus." You are going to have to be on SERIOUS guard against letting natural libido find a focus in your friend. Both of you will have to keep from using each other in any sort of way (including 'feasting the eyes) for sexual gratification. If you both can do that, great...but obviously, you have some misgivings, I noticed you both feel discomfort in the idea of the other being in the company of an appropriate sexual partner. -Beware, that's not loving her as you want to be loved --which has absolutely nothing to do with jealousy, or possession, but rather rejoices in the happiness of another whole heartedly.

Any time there is jealousy, and/or arousal in either one of you--that's not godly...and you both need to be aware of it--and guard against it. You love each other and neither of you want to be in any way responsible for causing the other to stumble (or both of you). If you haven't been given the 'gift' of celibacy...then you've got to be open to the idea that the Lord will indeed bring into your life a man He finds suitable for you. (Same goes for your friend too of course) at that point, (since it sure sounds like you two might indeed have awakening libidos) you need to be able to rejoice for your sister, or she for you.