I don't know what I am suppose to do.

[Ohj1n37]

Hello. I have not posted on this forum for over a year. I have been diagnosed with ADHD, autism, and bipolar disorder. I experience amplified emotions and am severely socially handicapped. I have many odd quirks for instance I have very poor hand eye coordination, I have trouble controlling the volume of my voice, and excessively wash my hands to name a few. Things like these do not bother me too much, but it is the inability to interact with people that frustrates me and causes me great loneliness.

I believe I am very social person, but the requirements for interacting with others are too great for me. I have become trapped in prison that has no walls. It causes me discomfort when I look someone in the eyes. Large groups of people can cause me to become so nervous that I shake. When I do talk to others if they do not know me well I tend to create awkward scenarios or unknowingly offend them.

Even though I have these problems I can see God's hand in my life. I had not known God when I was younger. It took me having a psychotic break to be saved. I had gone off my medicine and was discussing scientific ideas I had on another website years ago. I was berated by a group of people who did not believe in God. I thought I was a Christian at the time and wanted to prove to them God was real. I stayed up for around nine days trying to prove to these people that God was real, but I couldn't. That is how I became temporarily psychotic. This is also why I rarely talk to others on the internet.

I spent a week or so in the hospital. It was not pleasant because I had lost complete control over my mind. I was doing things that I did not want to do. I would go in and out of consciousness while standing up. I remember being there for one second only to wake up in the same spot except it would be hours later. The good news is the doctors found out I had bipolar disorder and got me on the right medication. After awhile I could finally go home. For months afterward I did nothing, but lie in bed and listen to Christian radio. These events were my rock bottom. I was baptized that year and was saved.

Ever since the psychotic break I have yet to leave the house by myself. I will occasionally drive myself to church, but nothing more than that. I am afraid to leave the house alone without someone to be my safety net. When I had worked or went to school in prior years I would already have outbursts where I would break into tears for no apparent reason. My emotions would become too much for me to handle I guess.

Anyhow like my topic suggests I am not sure what I am suppose to do with my time here on Earth. I have grown in many ways, but I am not sure if I am being overly cautious or being wise. I have prayed to God and I believe He is leading me. He may have possibly nudged me to this forum, but I am unsure. What should I do with my life? How do I get over this loneliness? Do I just need to be patient or do I need to be actively doing something? I guess that is what it boils down to, should I be still or do I move? What am I supposed to do?

 

[ilovejcsog]

I am uncomfortable around people like you are. I am lonely at times and alone. I don't have the physical or mental trials that you have so I don't know if you think I can relate to you but I feel I do. Spiritually you sound ahead of me which is a real plus for you. Your post sounds very functional emotionally. I find that I am satisfied with chatting on line, interacting with people here and other places where you can meet people but not meet them physically. It has been a God send for me and has satisfied my need for interacting with people. Of course you have the danger of meeting someone that is not mentally healthy but spending time with a person on line you can be a pretty good judge of what they are about hopefully. In a nutshell the internet people can help to discourage loneliness for me anyway and solves a lot of other problems. I pray that you will find answers. Continue to pray concerning your plight. Don't forget how God loves you! I will pray your concerns will be answered. Look me up if ever you need a friend or want to talk. There is a forum for singles here for you to let your hair down. Don't let someones erratic behavior scare you off just move on to someone else. There are plenty of loving, giving people out there. Church people are generally loving. Its a good place to be no matter your plight.
God Bless you and help you.
Your friend SPT.

Maybe I can keep you from learning a lesson the hard way , For years I have gone too far with my dumping on people so I do my best to keep my daily trials down when speaking with others. It was bad for them and bad for me. I am just saying this in case you have had that experience.

 

[ilovejcsog]

BTW, Welcome back

 

[ilovejcsog]

*

 

[ilovejcsog]

Sorry about that, I seem to be having this problem a lot lately, lol.

 

[Seadish]

Take your meds!! trust God and take baby steps step out! It is unhealthy to confine yourself. Try to remember you are beautifully and wonderfully made! Try to see the beauty God has created yet at the same time know that as much as we are not supposed to be alone, He also says not to trust in man but Him. Some of us me included are just not people people. That's ok my sanity needs my quiet time alone time. You will get through this He has a great plan for you. I'm convinced that we never will truly know God's plan for our lives other than to enjoy it and Honor Him ,show people Christ even if it's just through how we deal with life. As soon as I think I see His plan , He seems to move onwards and change it up again which is a Blessing! Put on your armor every day and be like teflon where everything bad just slides right off of you just my opinion have a happy day do you start each day in Hiis word,worship and prayer??

 

[Ohj1n37]

Spiritually you sound ahead of me which is a real plus for you.

Thank you. I feel like despite my problems God has given me some form of understanding. For instance prior to being saved I never really thought about who Jesus was. I thought Jesus was literally the Son of God like I am the son of my earthly father. When I was saved I feel as if God gave me understanding of the Trinity. God is all three beings. The Father knows all and controls all. The Son was so that God could become human, know what we go through first hand, ultimately die an undeserved death to take away our sins, and finally be raised from the dead, so we could be with Him forever. The Holy Spirit is what connects us to God now and how he often performs miracles.

I understood the instant I was saved why I was saved. The root of sin is selfishness, all evil stems from it. God committed the ultimate act of selflessness. His life being worth more than everything combined, He gave freely. He did this to show us that He loves us. There is no greater love than one who dies for their friends. He died for us, to destroy our sin, to destroy our selfishness. I am indebted to the Lord forever for this and I want to follow Him forever for what He has done for me.

Your post sounds very functional emotionally.

Thank you. I have been told I can express myself through written communication better than I can verbally. This seems to be somewhat common for many people with autism.

I pray that you will find answers. Continue to pray concerning your plight.

Thank you for praying for me. I feel like God has something in store for me, but I am not sure if I am suppose to move or be still. Perhaps the Lord is strengthening my patience, but I am unsure.

There is a forum for singles here for you to let your hair down.

This might be something that I would be willing to try. Church is really the only place I go where I see the same people regularly, but pretty much all the women that are near my age are already married or in a relationship. While on this topic I had been praying to God some years ago for a woman that I could share my life with. If you do not know what lucid dreaming is it might be something interesting to look up. Well I was lucid dreaming after praying that prayer for weeks. Since the dream was lucid I had full control over it. Jesus then appeared in the dream and I lost all control over it. In the dream Jesus gave me a message that I would like to keep private. I am unsure if it was just a dream because I have psychiatric problems and it could be my mind playing tricks on me.

Maybe I can keep you from learning a lesson the hard way , For years I have gone too far with my dumping on people so I do my best to keep my daily trials down when speaking with others.

Thank you for the advice. This is related to one of my quirks. It is almost near impossible for me to keep secrets. I have lied before, but I hate doing it. I try to always tell the truth. I sometimes offend people by doing so.

Take your meds!! trust God and take baby steps step out!

I have learned to always take my medication. I never want to end up where I was before. At the time they did not know that I had bipolar disorder or ADHD. Before I had the psychotic break I was on a drug for autism that was reacting badly with my other conditions that were not currently diagnosed. I had been on that drug for a majority of my childhood and no one would listen to the pain that it was causing me. It was the only drug to treat autism. When I got to be an adult I eventually told the doctor I was not going to take the medicine anymore. After the psychotic break my doctors told me that they could understand why I felt so horrible on the drug I was taking for my autism. It was a chemical restraint of sorts. While this can help with autism it causes people with bipolar disorder to become stuck in a depressed state of mind. My mind would fill itself with intrusive thoughts that were crippling. It is a miracle that I am now finally on the right medication.

You will get through this He has a great plan for you. I'm convinced that we never will truly know God's plan for our lives other than to enjoy it and Honor Him ,show people Christ even if it's just through how we deal with life. As soon as I think I see His plan , He seems to move onwards and change it up again which is a Blessing!

Thank you for the encouraging words. I guess what I am asking is I do not know what to on a day to day basis. I do not know what to fill my time with. I have a very hard time concentrating this prevents me from reading as much as I would like to. I just get so frustrated when I can not concentrate, so to keep myself from being on edge I just do not read or do things that require a great deal of concentration. I like stories and because of that and the inability to read for long periods of time I grew up playing video games. I try playing online video games now only to be condemned by others. I am so bad at the games that others that I am playing with tell me to just stop playing. I have been told I am a good writer, but as I have said it is near impossible for me to concentrate. I do not mean to dump all my problems on anyone I guess I am just directionless in what I should fill my time with.

Put on your armor every day and be like teflon where everything bad just slides right off of you just my opinion have a happy day do you start each day in Hiis word,worship and prayer??

I try to read a little of God's word everyday. It helps immensely. I guess I am just in a depressed bipolar state at the moment. I guess it does not help that the people I was playing video games with have been very rude to me. I believe we are all given a gift. I am trying to find mine and how to use it. I just want to use what God has given me wisely. I do not want to be like the servant who buried his money in the ground. I want to have something I can enjoy doing on a day to day basis that is productive and good.

 

[ilovejcsog]

Hi
To clear this up:
"Maybe I can keep you from learning a lesson the hard way , For years I have gone too far with my dumping on people so I do my best to keep my daily trials down when speaking with others"
I would never suggest you lie. What I found myself doing in the past was telling a friend every trial I was going through such as car problems, plumbing problems, cooler problems health problems. etc. It was interesting the more I unburdened myself the more burdens were piled on. It was draining for my friend and showed a lack of faith in God to take care of me. Guess what, when I stopped the trials slowed way down to where they were no longer daily but infrequent where I could handle them emotionally without burdening my friend. She, of course, was always more than willing to listen but it had to be such a trial for her that she couldn't help me. It has made me stronger and her happier I am sure, lol. So now I try to keep it down to something I know she might be able to help with.

 

[NBB]

Hey, i have autism too, and alone too because of not having social skills, i play videogames, and i know about multiplayer 'bullying' lol, that is normal i guess online, because of that i don't play multiplayer games anymore, the behaviour of people in them burned any desire in me to play them.

Expressing one self better on the internet vs face to face seems to be a common thing with people with autism yes.

About what you can do with your life, who can offer you advice on that?

But a lot people say God has a plan for every christian to have some adventures maybe, he can show you things you don't know for example, the bible says that,
So, try to get closer to him and the Holy spirit, pray more, ask for spiritual blessing. Ask him you want him to fullfill his plan with you.

I cannot lie either.

 

[Ohj1n37]

Hi
To clear this up:
"Maybe I can keep you from learning a lesson the hard way , For years I have gone too far with my dumping on people so I do my best to keep my daily trials down when speaking with others"
I would never suggest you lie. What I found myself doing in the past was telling a friend every trial I was going through such as car problems, plumbing problems, cooler problems health problems. etc. It was interesting the more I unburdened myself the more burdens were piled on. It was draining for my friend and showed a lack of faith in God to take care of me. Guess what, when I stopped the trials slowed way down to where they were no longer daily but infrequent where I could handle them emotionally without burdening my friend. She, of course, was always more than willing to listen but it had to be such a trial for her that she couldn't help me. It has made me stronger and her happier I am sure, lol. So now I try to keep it down to something I know she might be able to help with.

I understand. I tend to give facts to others that can be perceived in the wrong way. My reply was a fact about myself that your post triggered within my mind due to associative memory. It is my fault and I apologize for this misunderstanding. I did not think you were telling me to lie. The original purpose of this post was to share a brief history of my predicament, so that others on this forum could possibly give me an informed suggestion on what I should do with my life. I am not sure how to spend my time wisely.

Hey, i have autism too, and alone too because of not having social skills, i play videogames, and i know about multiplayer 'bullying' lol, that is normal i guess online, because of that i don't play multiplayer games anymore, the behaviour of people in them burned any desire in me to play them.

Expressing one self better on the internet vs face to face seems to be a common thing with people with autism yes.

About what you can do with your life, who can offer you advice on that?

But a lot people say God has a plan for every christian to have some adventures maybe, he can show you things you don't know for example, the bible says that,
So, try to get closer to him and the Holy spirit, pray more, ask for spiritual blessing. Ask him you want him to fullfill his plan with you.

Thank you for your input. I seem to be getting the same answers I get from my parents and family members. I guess I thought it would be different when I asked others who do not know me personally. I have been asking God, but I am not sure where He is leading me. I thought He may have been pushing me here, but maybe it was just to talk to others and not to ask what I should do.

 

[NBB]

I understand. I tend to give facts to others that can be perceived in the wrong way. My reply was a fact about myself that your post triggered within my mind due to associative memory. It is my fault and I apologize for this misunderstanding. I did not think you were telling me to lie. The original purpose of this post was to share a brief history of my predicament, so that others on this forum could possibly give me an informed suggestion on what I should do with my life. I am not sure how to spend my time wisely.




Thank you for your input. I seem to be getting the same answers I get from my parents and family members. I guess I thought it would be different when I asked others who do not know me personally. I have been asking God, but I am not sure where He is leading me. I thought He may have been pushing me here, but maybe it was just to talk to others and not to ask what I should do.

Because what we should do is a very personal matter i suppose.
But pray a lot to God, the more you seek him the better, and he responds, the closer we are to 'such an important character' as God the better. He is good to us. But we need to pray. I think if we do not pray, we are missing a lot.

 

[Take Heart]

I want to have something I can enjoy doing on a day to day basis that is productive and good.

Hey,
So it seems like you want to find something productive to engage in and worth spending time on.
May you list out some things you're interested in? it will be easier for me to suggest a few things.

I've personally found it helpful when I was feeling really down and stuck on what to do with my life career-wise and hobby-wise as I used to spend nearly my entire day on online multiplayer games a few years back. I had a pretty bad addiction to it which ultimately affected my grades and relationships with others.
So my interests as of now are:
Cars
Woodwork
Interior design
Animals

From that list, I research jobs or hobbies related to it (depending on how you want to use your interests).
So for cars I found that I really enjoy 'detailing' them. I also like maintaining them as well. I can either use that as a hobby (the detailing part (even though the maintenance aspect of it is kind of mandatory lol) and continue it as a hobby or branch out and make it a job where, by word-of-mouth, I clean my friends/family's/neighbors' cars.

Or for wood working I can make it a hobby by building simple things like shelves or a headboard for a bed or sell some pieces.

For animals, I looked into training them, service animal training, working at shelters, etc.

Whatever interests you, search out YouTube videos about it, soak up information, and learn as much as you can. (I also find it a lot more engaging and less boring than reading about it).

 

[Ohj1n37]

So it seems like you want to find something productive to engage in and worth spending time on.

Yes that is what I am looking for exactly. It's funny how God works sometimes. The night after posting the first forum post I heard a part of a Billy Graham sermon. The part of the sermon I heard had to do with a man that was paralyzed who had no friends, but Jesus healed the man and was that man's friend. Billy said that man was suffering from loneliness and no one would be his friend, but Jesus would be that man's friend. I seem to have many scenarios like that where I believe God talks to me through synchronicities. I was feeling lonely and directionless at the time.

I will share some background information. I am not trying to complain. I do not really have many real life skills. For instance I have probably pumped gas less than five times in my life. I have never driven through a drive through. I really do not do much adult things. I appear to be intelligent, but am apparently severely handicapped in certain aspects that many people do not normally think about. For instance there is something called executive functions. Executive functions are a person's ability to control their behavior so that they can carry out a desired goal. I had not heard of executive functions until recently and well apparently I have three of the six disorders that can greatly impair this process.

Anyway in high school I was very good science. I am not good at math though. I have been told that I do not think like other people which can be a very good thing. I have an idea or theory that I am working on that has to do with the non-existence of the fourth dimension. Essentially it turns out I had spent the last four years or so understanding the theory of relativity by thinking I had discovered something new. Now that I understand relativity a lot better I am now working with a friend who has much more formal education than I do and we are working on correcting what I believe to be wrong with relativity.

The problem with my ideas on time and relativity is that it is slow work. I am highly certain that it is right, but getting in contact with people who can do the math and explaining to those people the details of the idea is not something that is easy. I guess while I was waiting I was getting impatient because I want to do something. I do not like doing nothing. I had been playing video games that require good hand eye coordination, but it turns out that my hand eye coordination is so bad that it prevents me from getting good at those types of games. I thought about it and I tried playing a card game I played previously.

The card game that I decided to play requires the player to play consistently to earn better cards. It hit me like a ton of bricks because I realized this is something I am good at especially when I put my mind to it. For instance I realized the fourth dimension is not real and four years later I have grasp of relativity and what I believe to be a working idea that modifies it. Another instance is that I wanted a girlfriend and better my physical health. I started doing body weight exercises three days a week three years ago. I still do not have a girlfriend, but now I am not skinny fat anymore. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am good at forming routine and sticking to it. If I stick to this card game like I have the other tasks I have been doing it will not only give me something to do, but possibly something to feel good about.

One last thing, I said it's funny how God works sometimes. I am not sure if this is a synchronicity or just a coincidence. When I started playing the card game I was talking about a few days ago I got five very rare cards and that is crazy. The odds of that happening are very low to my understanding. On top of that the last card I got was a very special kind of rare card. The card is not particularly good from what I understand, but it is a dragon that controls time. This could just be a coincidence or possibly God telling me to patient or maybe Him saying my time idea will work out, not sure, but it was encouraging.

To summarize I am going to probably try playing the card game I was talking about a little bit everyday. I will probably try to go on this forum and talk a little bit everyday. I guess I am going to try to form more routines. I've heard routines help people with autism.

 

[Take Heart]

Yes that is what I am looking for exactly. It's funny how God works sometimes. The night after posting the first forum post I heard a part of a Billy Graham sermon. The part of the sermon I heard had to do with a man that was paralyzed who had no friends, but Jesus healed the man and was that man's friend. Billy said that man was suffering from loneliness and no one would be his friend, but Jesus would be that man's friend. I seem to have many scenarios like that where I believe God talks to me through synchronicities. I was feeling lonely and directionless at the time.

Absolutely, God has a way of speaking to us at times. He sometimes uses other people, posts, music at just the right time when we need it, radio, a sermon at Church or online. It's pretty cool actually. That's when I know it's from Him- when He speaks at just the right moment that I really needed to hear at that moment and sometimes He confirms it by repeating it again in the same day or same week.

I will share some background information. I am not trying to complain. I do not really have many real life skills. For instance I have probably pumped gas less than five times in my life. I have never driven through a drive through. I really do not do much adult things. I appear to be intelligent, but am apparently severely handicapped in certain aspects that many people do not normally think about. For instance there is something called executive functions. Executive functions are a person's ability to control their behavior so that they can carry out a desired goal. I had not heard of executive functions until recently and well apparently I have three of the six disorders that can greatly impair this process.

Oh interesting.. I've never heard of the term executive functions before. I can't imagine what that's like..it must be tough. I read a bit about it just now. It looks like a step-by-step approach to things can be helpful when it comes to completing tasks and frequently going over schedule's, etc to help in reminding. But you've probably read about all of this so this may not be helpful at all.

Anyway in high school I was very good science. I am not good at math though. I have been told that I do not think like other people which can be a very good thing. I have an idea or theory that I am working on that has to do with the non-existence of the fourth dimension. Essentially it turns out I had spent the last four years or so understanding the theory of relativity by thinking I had discovered something new. Now that I understand relativity a lot better I am now working with a friend who has much more formal education than I do and we are working on correcting what I believe to be wrong with relativity.

That's awesome, I hope you and your friend are able to learn more about it. So you're good at science- that's great

The problem with my ideas on time and relativity is that it is slow work. I am highly certain that it is right, but getting in contact with people who can do the math and explaining to those people the details of the idea is not something that is easy. I guess while I was waiting I was getting impatient because I want to do something. I do not like doing nothing. I had been playing video games that require good hand eye coordination, but it turns out that my hand eye coordination is so bad that it prevents me from getting good at those types of games. I thought about it and I tried playing a card game I played previously.

The card game that I decided to play requires the player to play consistently to earn better cards. It hit me like a ton of bricks because I realized this is something I am good at especially when I put my mind to it. For instance I realized the fourth dimension is not real and four years later I have grasp of relativity and what I believe to be a working idea that modifies it. Another instance is that I wanted a girlfriend and better my physical health. I started doing body weight exercises three days a week three years ago. I still do not have a girlfriend, but now I am not skinny fat anymore. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am good at forming routine and sticking to it. If I stick to this card game like I have the other tasks I have been doing it will not only give me something to do, but possibly something to feel good about.

The card game kind of sounds like Yu-Gi-Oh but I could be completely off. I'm glad you've been finding a routine that works for you. I think routines in general are super helpful. I get a little anxious sometimes when my normal routine changes but it depends on the type of change. Like if it was a surprising outing to a cafe, that would be considered a nice change personally. Whatever works for you and is something you find joy and value/meaning in then that's really great!

One last thing, I said it's funny how God works sometimes. I am not sure if this is a synchronicity or just a coincidence. When I started playing the card game I was talking about a few days ago I got five very rare cards and that is crazy. The odds of that happening are very low to my understanding. On top of that the last card I got was a very special kind of rare card. The card is not particularly good from what I understand, but it is a dragon that controls time. This could just be a coincidence or possibly God telling me to patient or maybe Him saying my time idea will work out, not sure, but it was encouraging.

I'm not sure if that was God speaking to you through that card-it's possible. I'm glad you found it encouraging.

To summarize I am going to probably try playing the card game I was talking about a little bit everyday. I will probably try to go on this forum and talk a little bit everyday. I guess I am going to try to form more routines. I've heard routines help people with autism.

Go for it! It's good to try something new. To be honest, those things I talked about regarding my interests [cars, interior decorating, wood-working and even crocheting/knitting] are things I had to research about and look into as I had no prior knowledge or experience in any of those. I guess that's the beauty of trying new things- you get to find out what interests you and you learn something new in the process.

Anyway, I pray that God continues to speak to you, guide and help you in all your endeavors.

 

[Ohj1n37]

I can't imagine what that's like..it must be tough.

Yeah, I don't mean to dump all my problems here. I seem to be going through a hard time. I have been learning that I am and have been oblivious to most of my problems. Due to being unaware of my difficulties I often unknowingly push myself past my limits. An example is right now I am upset because I tried to play the game again thinking it would be different. No matter how hard I try I just get overwhelmed internally and die in the game. The emotion I feel the most is probably frustration.

That's awesome, I hope you and your friend are able to learn more about it. So you're good at science- that's great

One of the people that were going to help me basically said I need to go to school to be taken seriously. I am currently unable to go school. That is why I was looking to that person for guidance. Also a friend who is going to college said, "It doesn't really mean anything to be good at high school science." I am probably not actually good at it. It may just be a delusion of grandeur, so I won't feel completely worthless. Thank you for complimenting me though.

The card game kind of sounds like Yu-Gi-Oh but I could be completely off.

It is a online card game called hearthstone. I am not very good, but I am better at it than a lot of the other games I play. I do not really have any of the cards needed to make a good deck though.

I'm not sure if that was God speaking to you through that card-it's possible. I'm glad you found it encouraging.

It may have just been good intentions. Sometimes when I am emotional I can come to incorrect conclusions.

To be honest, those things I talked about regarding my interests [cars, interior decorating, wood-working and even crocheting/knitting] are things I had to research about and look into as I had no prior knowledge or experience in any of those.

I wish I could go out and do more things like that. I tend be really clumsy and do more harm than good. I think I am a really social person, but I don't really have anyone my age to hang out with.