I don't know how I should feel about a certain co-worker

Heavenhome said:

Are you procrastinating until someone tells you its ok to be with this woman?
We've all given lots of advice but really what are you going to do. You know what she does is wrong, but you are still contemplating some sort of dalliance with her. Very dangerous ground.

Does she know you are Christian? That you disagree with the things she does?

Why do we always think we are the only one to witness to someone? I mean I don't think that it has to be you who leads her to Christ, surely you can sow the seed but it is God who does the rest.

Just a little note re the guitar playing with the homeless man, well that struck me as her being an exhibitionist so all eyes would be on her, not the poor guy who needed the gig.And sure she let him keep the money, hey it was his guitar!
My true feelings for this is that you should talk to her and explain that you can't be part of her behaviors because of your faith, share the gospel if you feel you should, tell her because of this you do not feel comfortable going away and would prefer not to. If you are compelled to go do so with only the minimal contact with her. If it is for work as it is supposed to be, why are you hanging around with her while she drinks so long that she vomits AND you hold her hair back for her?????
Come on. Be honest I think you are flattered that she pays you attention and there is no way you are able to make any rational decisions around her. Stop justifying her and to an extent yourself and nip it in the bud now.
I think the second trip away is flirting with the devil and you've been warned by the first.

What was that jingle? "Just say NO"

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THIS.

MichaelDB said:

@GirdYourLoins and @KayScarpettaFan I prayed a ot about this and got no where. All prayer did was flood me with so many conflicting feelings. My thoughts would bounce between infatuation with her appearance, intrigue about her wit and intelligence, but also anger and frustration when comparing her lot : the senior position, the outsized influence, her nicer vehicle, her own house, her advancement beyond her years to my own : being passed over for the senior position, my overlookability, my old beater of a Ford, my rental apartment, and how it took myself 3 try to pass the HVAC PE exam while she nailed the Structural Engineers exam plus the California Earthquake addendum in one go. When that stuff enters my head I just get fille with envy. I prayed to give my envy unto God then I get another torrent of obtrusive thoughts when I think about how amazing and fun she is. I start thinking about how when we were walking back from lunch at the conference she asked a homeless man of she could try his guitar and then proceeded to play Hotel California, Everlast's what it's like, and Classical gas she played like a pro all from memory. People were stopping to listen to her play and they were tossing money into the case when she was done all she did was hand back the guitar, thanked the homeless man for letting her try it and didn't even touch any of the money people left her.
Then I think about how dishonest she is with how she games the coporate travel/expense policy and I get angry about how she has no reverence for her engineer's creed then I get conflicting feelings about how devilishly clever she is and start wondering what the world would be like if she wasn't a shady engineer but instead a cancer doctor.
I then try to write her off as just some unethical narcissist but I can't because I know for a fact that one of the reasons she screams at the rig managers is because she knows what they are doing is unsafe. As corrupt as she is with her corporate card she never allows any one to cut corners. From what I have seen if any one tells her "this is just how things have always been" she would berate that person until he/she but mostly he acquiesce and acknowledges to her that there is no good reason to do that and they will do it her way in the future.
And then I get conflicted about what @GridYourLoins says about guiding. That just fills me with so much more self doubt and guilt. I know I should be leading her to Christ but my obtrusive thoughts make me feel so guilty. I feel guilty for lusting for her, I feel guilty for being angry at her, I feel guilty for being envious of her, and I feel guilty that I don't think I am up to the challenge of helping her.

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I have been in a similar situation. the woman was a co worker but used her sexuality to get our boss sacked and herself put promoted so she became my boss. She was a Jezebel, Narcissist and probably lots of other things as well. This woman tried to seduce me at a n office party even though I had made t clear many times that nothing would ever happen between us. One thing I wish I hadnt done was get drawn into flirting a bit over time but only occasionally as a joke and making it clear it was only ever a joke.

People like this are a product of who they are. I have friends with a girl of 6 I can see turning into someone like this already. The problem is because they are pretty and gifted everything in life falls at their feet, they can be successful without trying. They are the lucky ones in life. The downside is that they often find it so easy that they dont care what they do as they will get away with it. Exactly what you are seeing.

Another common trait of people like this is that they appear to have everything and be full of life, but in reality they are empty inside. There is a proven link between gifted people and a huge increase in mental illness. Im not saying she has mental illness but her fraud is something that a normal sane person would not even consider. If she gets caught it will cost her her job and lifestyle. How many normal people would give up a senior job like that for $80 every now and then? Something is not right.

As for you, I understand what you are going through. I have been overlooked so many times I stopped trying. I eventually went self employed, although that proved to be unsuccessful so I'm on my last legs doing that before I have to try getting a job again. I have achieved far less than my ability should have got me. You must not allow yourself to be drawn in by this woman. The ideal is to lead her to the Lord. However if you are suffering and dont feel you can do that you may be better off taking the advice of others and trying to get out of there, or maybe pray that God takes her out of there instead. What you dont want to do is get caught up in it.

But what do you do? You could tell her boss that she is defrauding the company, but that could come back on you. You could tell her you dont want to have anything to do with someone who commits fraud, even on a small scale and hope she doesnt turn on you. If you just let things carry on as they are until you find a new job, how long will that take?

In the situation I was in the rest of the team (except me and a couple of temps) were bullying a woman who took time off with depression on several occasions. It ended up going to senior managers to investigate and they moved the bullied woman out of the team. They then turned on me as I had told the truth in the investigation so i got moved out as well. By this point I had rejected the woman at the office party I mentioned earlier and she was made the new boss. She really had it in for me by then, I dont want to see you in that situation.

Do some research on soul ties and break the one you have with this woman. You may have to do it more than once as its easy to pick up again.

Leading her to the Lord would, in my opinion, be the best outcome. If you choose another path you need to make some wise choices to avoid any problems for you. People like this are easily able to turn things on you. That is why I thought you need a solution that doesnt involve in risking her turning on you, which could happen if she feels you have rejected her. I think inviting her to church would be a good step on several levels. It shows her that you are a Christian and you can use it as a way of introducing saying you are honest. It is inviting her to be involved in your life, but also gives you a chance to say that your faith is important to you and that includes things like no sex before marriage, honesty, being good, etc.

At the end of the day you need to make the choice. You are in this situation, not any of us keyboard warriors on here. Just be careful.

KayScarpettaFan said:

Have you ever met a Narcissist?
Just say yes or no.
There is a lot at stake here, if I am right.
I pray to be wrong.

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Yes, in a similar situation. read my last post above.

/nvm

/nvm

/nvm

/nvm

MichaelDB said:

What do you mean a "Nobel cause " she told me that she does the gift card thing because the way she sees it, it is written into her paperwork that she is entitled to up to 100$ a meal when she is traveling. She told me it shouldn't be any ones business of she eats it right there or if she decides to eat it later. To me it still doesn't feel right, and to me it's stealing but I don't think she thinks so, and I don't think she believes she is doing it for any greater good.

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I misunderstood. I thought she was using the hotel gift cards for her contacts and customers. I read it again and see what you mean. She is attractive because she let you into her space and see her bad and not seem judgmental. There is a lot more going on under that hood and it isn't well. Anybody who would go to those lengths to continue a fabricated lie, falsify paperwork, evade taxes, and then drink herself into a stupor in front of you and tell you it was all hers anyway, sorry but that is at the very least immature and unprofessional and playing on the fact that you are awkward and that people look through you. The company did not give her the money to do with as she wished. It is dishonest and theft, pure and simple. There is also a matter of potential tax evasion if she is doing what I think she is. Listen, I issue per-diem for our employees at least two - four times a month. They are paid up front in cash for what ever they want and then it is accounted in a legal manner. You are headed for an extreme heartache my brother in Christ.

You work in a might strange place pardner. Glad I don't work there. You should be sharing this on Bizarro or some such. You have already exhausted all of your justification credits.

MichaelDB said:

I am not justifying anything. Despite what our boss thinks I still believe this to be wrong. I am just wanting to conquer my own feelings of guilt due to the conflicting obtrusive thoughts I get because of her.

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I think that's probably part of what she wants. To get you into an emotional position where you feel attracted to her, and are malleable as a person. It's creepy.

Again, be professional, not super friendly. That may sound unkind, but this lady is not your friend. She deserves respect, and professionalism, but you need to back off emotionally.

First off all you should be disgusted with her. She's an opportunistic, selfish harlot and instead of keeping your hands clean, you've polluted and stained yourself with her.

Get out. Don't look back. You WILL regret it if you get involved with her.

MichaelDB said:

I am not procrastinating anything. It is pretty clear I cannot date this woman. I am just having such a hard time working through my own struggles with this woman. At the same time I am infatuated with her, envy her, and resent her and her presence. I try to pray those thoughts away but I just get inundated with more obtrusive thoughts. I have been struggling with these thoughts since the conference and I am dreading seeing her on Monday.
I called our boss earlier to speak to her about my discomfort with the trip but I got no where. She commensurated with me that my coworker could be an "acquired taste" but she assured me that she is a sweetheart if I got to know her and not to be afraid of her scowl.
When I laid out out for her the root of my discomfort she was surprisingly receptive and sympathetic but I don't think she completely gets it. I told her about the heavy drinking and she just told me that it was just her way and just told me not to let her drive. When I told her about how she gorges her self she told me that its good she is eating. She told me that they aren't stupid and they know she cashes out her meal credits either through gift cards or cash back at supermarket delis. She told me that's why my Co worker is so skinny, she doesn't eat when no one is looking. Our boss told me that she tries to take her out to eat whenever she is in town in order to "fatten her up a bit" and convince her that it's OK to enjoy a nice meal especially when the company picks up the tab. I asked our boss why is that OK and why does the company indulge this child like that and she broke it down for me like this. She told me that since my coworker has been here she has saved the company her salary a couple times over in the rig down time she had prevented. She told me that there is something truly special about this girl and if we lose her she would just go on to one of our competitors. My boss then told me that I shouldn't even try to draw a parallel between her and myself, she said that even she herself doesn't have the engineering chops my coworker does. She told me that the company had pretty much instructed her to ply my coworker with treats and meals to make her compliant.
I then told my boss that as a Christian I have a hard time accepting her behavior and I am very conflicted by her. That's when she laughed and told me not even to try to convert my Co worker. My boss is a devout Muslim and she told me that she had tried sharing Islam with my coworker. She said that a couple months ago she got her to "agree to be Muslim" but she promptly bailed when she realized she wasn't suppose to drink, eat pork or engage in fornication. My boss said I can try to share gospel with her. She may agree to make me happy but ultimately she would bail when she gets tired of the restrictions.
My boss pretty much told me that field site visits are part of my job. Regarding the unwanted advances she said unless I have some concrete evidence of sexual harassment nothing can be done. Concerning the gift card thing she told me she doesn't care. She said if I want I can spend up to $100 a meal if I so choose and that a word to the wise, my coworker is pretty plyable when she thinks she is getting away with something. She told me that as a Muslim she finds much fault in my coworkers' behavior but she is able to be friends with her without succombing to her influence.
She also told me that my coworker will mostlikely be my manager sooner rather than later and that one day she her self may be calling my coworker boss.

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Women lie and sugarcoat things. Do not listen to her neither.

Gracia Singh said:

I think that's probably part of what she wants. To get you into an emotional position where you feel attracted to her, and are malleable as a person. It's creepy.

Again, be professional, not super friendly. That may sound unkind, but this lady is not your friend. She deserves respect, and professionalism, but you need to back off emotionally.

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Can I say I agree with this poster? Be professional as you sound like you know what that is. I have have worked with several homosexuals in a professional environment and years later not one person who knew me then realized how much I loathed their life style. I tell them it was easy. Just keep it professional and learn that a bitten tongue is more easily forgiven than a biting tongue.

MichaelDB said:

I am not justifying anything. Despite what our boss thinks I still believe this to be wrong. I am just wanting to conquer my own feelings of guilt due to the conflicting obtrusive thoughts I get because of her.

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That didn't come out right. You have explained your situation in more detail than anybody I have ever seen, me included. You covered the bases pretty well. You don't need to justify why you feel the way you do. That is clear. But you still need to simply work professionally, focus on things to do after work, and if you must do something intimate, invite her to church.

MichaelDB said:

She said that a couple months ago she got her to "agree to be Muslim" but she promptly bailed when she realized she wasn't suppose to drink, eat pork or engage in fornication. ...

My boss pretty much told me that field site visits are part of my job. Regarding the unwanted advances she said unless I have some concrete evidence of sexual harassment nothing can be done.

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Reminds me of the story of Joseph and his master's wife(GENESIS.39), and Samson and Delilah.

If you think it necessary you could use your phone to record in your pocket any time you are alone with her so you have evidence of what happens and is said.