I don't have the guts to stand up for myself

[Lady Bug]

Hi, I need to leave the house soon. I don't have a lot of time to type this.

My dad is being released on December 19th. He needs help showering, dressing, and going to the toilet. I don't want to bring him home, no matter who (in real life) tells me that they can "hire people" (we CANNOT afford it) or that "it's going to be alright." My dad will not tolerate being in the nursing home any longer. He says he's going home and that's it. My brother will side with him and will accuse me of "killing" him if I kept him in the NH (nursing home).

I have POA and the power to make this decision but the social worker said I have until Friday to tell her. It pains me so, so bad to say this but I don't have the guts to stand up for myself. I don't have the guts to tell my brother to F off. It is extremely heartbreaking for my dad to be alone there (well, to "feel" alone there) but he and my brother will not consider how it feels to be me. I should have known that if it reached this point, I would ultimately cave into them. It makes me sick that I can't stand up for myself. It must be in my DNA. Why am I the POA if I can't even stand up for myself? It's going to be very ugly here. I'm finally sleeping better and cultivating a better spiritual life. The house is filthy but not necessarily more than before. All that is going to go down the toilet and within 10 days I will be screaming, crying, and sleep-deprived and I will be branded as evil if I don't want to do this caretaking stuff anymore. I have talked to the next-door neighbor (who my dad has known for 40+ years) who is on my side. I was going to talk to one or two people from church but if my dad is coming home, I have so much to do, so many phone calls to make that I "won't have time" to talk to them. Seriously, F this life. I've had it. I don't have animosity against my dad right now (I'm frustrated though) but with my brother, I kind of do. He has never lifted a finger to physically help either mom or dad and seems to be able to tell me how to take care of dad while he's sitting in his cozy apartment 90 miles away. He won't move closer.

 

[RileyG]

May God bless you and keep you under his care

 

[chevyontheriver]

Hi, I need to leave the house soon. I don't have a lot of time to type this.

My dad is being released on December 19th. He needs help showering, dressing, and going to the toilet. I don't want to bring him home, no matter who (in real life) tells me that they can "hire people" (we CANNOT afford it) or that "it's going to be alright." My dad will not tolerate being in the nursing home any longer. He says he's going home and that's it. My brother will side with him and will accuse me of "killing" him if I kept him in the NH (nursing home).

I have POA and the power to make this decision but the social worker said I have until Friday to tell her. It pains me so, so bad to say this but I don't have the guts to stand up for myself. I don't have the guts to tell my brother to F off. It is extremely heartbreaking for my dad to be alone there (well, to "feel" alone there) but he and my brother will not consider how it feels to be me. I should have known that if it reached this point, I would ultimately cave into them. It makes me sick that I can't stand up for myself. It must be in my DNA. Why am I the POA if I can't even stand up for myself? It's going to be very ugly here. I'm finally sleeping better and cultivating a better spiritual life. The house is filthy but not necessarily more than before. All that is going to go down the toilet and within 10 days I will be screaming, crying, and sleep-deprived and I will be branded as evil if I don't want to do this caretaking stuff anymore. I have talked to the next-door neighbor (who my dad has known for 40+ years) who is on my side. I was going to talk to one or two people from church but if my dad is coming home, I have so much to do, so many phone calls to make that I "won't have time" to talk to them. Seriously, F this life. I've had it. I don't have animosity against my dad right now (I'm frustrated though) but with my brother, I kind of do. He has never lifted a finger to physically help either mom or dad and seems to be able to tell me how to take care of dad while he's sitting in his cozy apartment 90 miles away. He won't move closer.

Sign your brother up for a week of care while you go on vacation. Go somewhere far away with no phone. Your brother will have a different opinion. But I'll betcha he would never consider that you need a vacation from the caregiving you have been doing now for years. Has he gone on any vacations? Have him spend his vacation caring for your dad instead of anything nice and relaxing. He owes you. BIG TIME!

Do check in with your parish or your diocese about your needs. You have needs. They have to be met. They may be able to help.

Your fathers needs do not create a total obligation on you. You can CHOOOSE to help him. That doesn't automatically make it only your responsibility to care for him. Besides, are you getting paid anything so you can save up to provide for yourself after he's gone. That IS a requirement of justice that you be provided for.

Sounds like you have the legal power to decide for your father. That carries a responsibility to do what's right for him whether it makes him angry or not. So what is humanly possible that is actually best for him? Not what is inhumanly possible, but humanly possible. Talk to the hospital folks and see if they have ideas. They might have the idea that he has everything in place at home and everybody is eager to work your behind off to have him there.

Oh, Ladybug. I feel for you.

 

[mourningdove~]

Hi, I need to leave the house soon. I don't have a lot of time to type this.

My dad is being released on December 19th. He needs help showering, dressing, and going to the toilet. I don't want to bring him home, no matter who (in real life) tells me that they can "hire people" (we CANNOT afford it) or that "it's going to be alright." My dad will not tolerate being in the nursing home any longer. He says he's going home and that's it. My brother will side with him and will accuse me of "killing" him if I kept him in the NH (nursing home).

I have POA and the power to make this decision but the social worker said I have until Friday to tell her. It pains me so, so bad to say this but I don't have the guts to stand up for myself. I don't have the guts to tell my brother to F off. It is extremely heartbreaking for my dad to be alone there (well, to "feel" alone there) but he and my brother will not consider how it feels to be me. I should have known that if it reached this point, I would ultimately cave into them. It makes me sick that I can't stand up for myself. It must be in my DNA. Why am I the POA if I can't even stand up for myself? It's going to be very ugly here. I'm finally sleeping better and cultivating a better spiritual life. The house is filthy but not necessarily more than before. All that is going to go down the toilet and within 10 days I will be screaming, crying, and sleep-deprived and I will be branded as evil if I don't want to do this caretaking stuff anymore. I have talked to the next-door neighbor (who my dad has known for 40+ years) who is on my side. I was going to talk to one or two people from church but if my dad is coming home, I have so much to do, so many phone calls to make that I "won't have time" to talk to them. Seriously, F this life. I've had it. I don't have animosity against my dad right now (I'm frustrated though) but with my brother, I kind of do. He has never lifted a finger to physically help either mom or dad and seems to be able to tell me how to take care of dad while he's sitting in his cozy apartment 90 miles away. He won't move closer.

Please don't 'beat up' on yourself for not being strong enough to stand up for yourself in this situation. There are reasons for why we develop this weakness, and alot of it goes back to the role one has played in their family for a long time. It's not easy to move oneself out of that 'role'. So please don't beat up on yourself. You are clearly doing the best you can. {{{hugg}}}

Let me ask you: does being your Dad's caregiver mean that you'll be stuck at the house 24/7? Or will you be able to leave him sometimes, unattended?

When I was caregiving for my husband, it did get to where it wasn't safe for me to leave him alone. And that's when caregiving can get hard ... when the caregiver doesn't 'get a break'. When they are caregiving 24/7, with no breaks.

So if you are going to be committed in that way (24/7), I would do my very best right now to try to find a person or some persons who might be willing to come into the house and 'babysit' your Dad for short periods of time, to relieve you of your duties ... even if just for an hour at a time. Taking 'mini breaks' away from the situation can be very helpful in relieving the ongoing stress of caregiving. And if someone is willling to stay longer than an hour? Cool ... let them!

So maybe that nextdoor neighbor would be willing to come into the house occasionally for an hour or two? Maybe your priest knows someone in the church who does this sort of ministry? Maybe your Dad's social worker knows people who volunteer to do this sort of thing?

If you explain that you have no siblings or family to help, and that you believe this load will be too heavy for you to carry alone, maybe someone(s) will come forward and offer to help you out sometimes?

It's looking like you're going to be locked into this caregiving role for awhile longer. So, now we need to think about ways to make the role easier for you. And of course, you can always pop in here and vent and solicit our prayers. You do have support here, but unfortunately, none of us lives close enough to help you out physically with your caregiver duties. But you can count on our prayers here ...

P.S.
There is one other thing. Do you have a doctor that you see regularly? (No need to publicly answer.) If you do, and if you feel this situation is becoming too much for you to handle ... physically, mentally, emotionally? You can always discuss this with your doctor, and explain that you don't think you can do it. If your health would be affected by all of this, your doctor might have some recommendations for you. He may even write a Doctor's 'Medical Excuse' for you, validating that you don't have the health needed for this kind of role. My suggestion might be abit of a 'stretch', but I wouldn't rule out talking to your Doctor about this situation. And especially if you have mental health concerns for yourself.

 

[Michie]

Praying for you LB. You know my advice. But like others, I feel for you. I have a sibling that never lifts a finger either. And you do have a valid concern as far as your health. I have been sick at least once a month since October. I’m sick now with the flu. I have found out the hard way it’s not normal to never have any downtime. I’m exploring these options now. Please consult his caretaking team and do the same. Praying for all of you.

 

[Lady Bug]

I've seen all your responses and would like to reply but I'm overwhelmed right now (not at the replies but at the situation) and I hope people here are patient enough with me to wait for me. The thread may end up going on the second page before I get back but I hope that doesn't bother anyone if I bump it.

 

[chevyontheriver]

I've seen all your responses and would like to reply but I'm overwhelmed right now (not at the replies but at the situation) and I hope people here are patient enough with me to wait for me. The thread may end up going on the second page before I get back but I hope that doesn't bother anyone if I bump it.

We will of course be patient. We feel for you. No worries from us.

 

[Lady Bug]

I don't know how to make this short. I'm not sure I can, but I kindly ask others not to make their responses so loaded that I can't address them.

My dad called me today saying that they are discharging him (I already knew this) and I am awaiting the results of the appeal I issued for extended stay (the part that is still covered by Medicare). I'm awaiting that, maybe Monday/Tuesday I'll know. Even if the appeal is accepted, I highly doubt he can ever come home. I asked him point blank if he can wipe his azz or go to the toilet or take a shower/bath by himself and he said No and he was coherent enough IMHO to know that his No meant No.

The problem is, this is where I fall apart. My brother had always been telling me that if "something happened today" would he (brother) help me financially until I could get myself above water and he said yes don't worry, I'll be just fine and he seemed legit in his answer but when I told him how much my dad's Social Security and Pension were per month he said he can't help. I'm like w.t.f. Medicaid allows the applicant to have $2,000 in countable assets but I forgot to ask the Medicaid guy who works at the nursing home whether it was a lump sum or is it a recurring amount that is extracted from his SocSec/Pension income. I have a bad feeling it's the former. I can kind of buy groceries and pay basic bills on $2,000 (provided it's not a lump sum) but it's still a level in which I'd have to watch each and every speck of expenditure and would have to forgo things like repairs or buy a lawnmower/snowblower. The neighbor who used to mow a couple people's lawns and snowblow their driveways most recently had a stroke and relegated the task to his other neighbor but I don't think they'll be as generous as the first neighbor. I feel like a moocher but I'm truly struggling. I'm going to ask this one lady who works at the church office about being trained for something eventually, but I don't want to get into the job topic (on this thread) right now because it could end up being its own discussion. I can't decide how much I want to talk about that.

My brother kind of sees the reality of this but he hasn't been calling me today which means that he might be avoiding talking to me because of the gravity of the subject matter, or he might be trying to figure out a way to convince me to take my dad home.

I probably have forgotten some things to say. I'm quite forgetful when overwhelmed.

 

[Lady Bug]

It pains me to say this but if that 2,000 dollars is just a plain vanilla amount and not residual recurring retirement income that he's allowed to have left over, then I have to bring him back home and there's not enough money in his bank accounts to hire people. It would be gone in a couple of weeks.

 

[Michie]

It pains me to say this but if that 2,000 dollars is just a plain vanilla amount and not residual recurring retirement income that he's allowed to have left over, then I have to bring him back home and there's not enough money in his bank accounts to hire people. It would be gone in a couple of weeks.

What kind of insurance? Would he be able to cover any of it through insurance?

 

[mourningdove~]

I don't know how to make this short. I'm not sure I can, but I kindly ask others not to make their responses so loaded that I can't address them.

Okay. So, I'll try to keep things short from now on!

Sorry I get so winded at times, but there are unanswered 'holes' in your story ... things I haven't seen you share ... that sometimes make it hard to give a short answer.

Like, why do you have to stay with your Dad? Why are you stuck in this situation? Is it because you are unemployed? (A simple yes or no answer will do.)

 

[Lady Bug]

What kind of insurance? Would he be able to cover any of it through insurance?

There is certain home-health things that are covered, and I keep hoping that would sort of help, but I was referring to the non-medical aspects like bringing him to the toilet, changing his diaper, and getting him into/out of bed that is out-of-pocket.

 

[Lady Bug]

Okay. So, I'll try to keep things short from now on!

Sorry I get so winded at times, but there are unanswered 'holes' in your story ... things I haven't seen you share ... that sometimes make it hard to give a short answer.

Like, why do you have to stay with your Dad? Why are you stuck in this situation? Is it because you are unemployed? (A simple yes or no answer will do.)

You had great questions, don't get me wrong but I felt I couldn't answer them all at once. I might still try to, though. I just can't predict when.

I'm stuck because I'm unemployed yes. I was going to talk more with that church lady about it.

 

[Lady Bug]

Oh no I'm overwhelmed again. I just realized that I've gone the entire week without realizing the delineation between in-home health care and simply in-home care and I realize that maybe I could have tried to help dad be at home and now I got to talk to the social worker tomorrow (she said no later than Friday but I think she'll start getting antsy by Thursday) about my decision. Now what if I overlooked something so important? Gosh darn it that means I got to get on the phone again and that takes forever. I thought I was doing a decent job trying to help my dad out and now I feel so negligent.

 

[mourningdove~]

You had great questions, don't get me wrong but I felt I couldn't answer them all at once. I might still try to, though. I just can't predict when.

I'm stuck because I'm unemployed yes.

Ok. Makes sense why you are there.

... And don't worry about answering my long posts. Your focus needs to be on your situation right now.

 

[FaithT]

Hi, I need to leave the house soon. I don't have a lot of time to type this.

My dad is being released on December 19th. He needs help showering, dressing, and going to the toilet. I don't want to bring him home, no matter who (in real life) tells me that they can "hire people" (we CANNOT afford it) or that "it's going to be alright." My dad will not tolerate being in the nursing home any longer. He says he's going home and that's it. My brother will side with him and will accuse me of "killing" him if I kept him in the NH (nursing home).

I have POA and the power to make this decision but the social worker said I have until Friday to tell her. It pains me so, so bad to say this but I don't have the guts to stand up for myself. I don't have the guts to tell my brother to F off. It is extremely heartbreaking for my dad to be alone there (well, to "feel" alone there) but he and my brother will not consider how it feels to be me. I should have known that if it reached this point, I would ultimately cave into them. It makes me sick that I can't stand up for myself. It must be in my DNA. Why am I the POA if I can't even stand up for myself? It's going to be very ugly here. I'm finally sleeping better and cultivating a better spiritual life. The house is filthy but not necessarily more than before. All that is going to go down the toilet and within 10 days I will be screaming, crying, and sleep-deprived and I will be branded as evil if I don't want to do this caretaking stuff anymore. I have talked to the next-door neighbor (who my dad has known for 40+ years) who is on my side. I was going to talk to one or two people from church but if my dad is coming home, I have so much to do, so many phone calls to make that I "won't have time" to talk to them. Seriously, F this life. I've had it. I don't have animosity against my dad right now (I'm frustrated though) but with my brother, I kind of do. He has never lifted a finger to physically help either mom or dad and seems to be able to tell me how to take care of dad while he's sitting in his cozy apartment 90 miles away. He won't move closer.

You’re in my prayers.

 

[FaithT]

Have you had a lengthy conversation with a Social Worker at the NH? I mean long enough that she knows the whole story? What does she advise? If I’m not mistaken this is what she’s there for.

 

[Lady Bug]

Have you had a lengthy conversation with a Social Worker at the NH? I mean long enough that she knows the whole story? What does she advise? If I’m not mistaken this is what she’s there for.

I have met with her. We had a meeting on November 26. She laid out all the scenarios, depending on whether he's home or not. The ball is technically in my court but I have until tomorrow or Friday. She definitely knows the whole story. I'm so tempted to want him to see his home again and it's heartbreaking yet I know what I can and cannot do. I've never felt this horrible in my life, at least not in a long time.

 

[FaithT]

I have met with her. We had a meeting on November 26. She laid out all the scenarios, depending on whether he's home or not. The ball is technically in my court but I have until tomorrow or Friday. She definitely knows the whole story. I'm so tempted to want him to see his home again and it's heartbreaking yet I know what I can and cannot do. I've never felt this horrible in my life, at least not in a long time.

You need to do what you can do. If you can’t care for him, and it sounds like you can’t, then you shouldn’t bring him home. Just my opinion.

 

[Lady Bug]

You need to do what you can do. If you can’t care for him, and it sounds like you can’t, then you shouldn’t bring him home. Just my opinion.

I seriously believe I would get physically sick taking him on.