I don't even realize I do it

[Laurie919]

I am just so stupid!!!!

I just had to run to the court house for something on the way back to the car I had to pass the arts and science museum. This was where we had gone on a field trip a while back that, Taylor had bought a couple things in the gift shop and I made her give them away because of the kids not having money to buy anything. My sister said that was mean of me to do, but that is another story.

So, I decided to walk in the gift shop to pick her up a few things. I didn't even think about it until after I was on the way back to work, but I really really really have a problem. I went and bought my kid rocks. Rocks!!! Rocks!!!! She loves that sort of thing geology, history, science. But I just went and bought my kid rocks and didn't even relize I did it until I got in the car.

I really have a problem. I have joked that I have an addiction, her name is Taylor. It isn't a joke, I do seriously have a problem.

 

[CelticRose]

You love her. Loving her is not a problem, how you are showing it may be. Only you can really know for sure.

 

[Neenie1]

I guess you need to work out why you are doing this. The reasons behind it, and if you really do see it as a problem. Then perhaps you need to maybe see someone (I'm not necessarily referring to a professional counselor) but do you have a good friend you can talk it out with.

Obviously you do love your daughter and that's not a problem, it's just the way you show it.

 

[lucypevensie]

The first step to overcoming a problem is to admit there is a problem in the first place. It's good that you recognize that.

I think the next step is to determine whether or not you really want to change. That's harder than the first step.

Would you like to behave differently with your money and spending habits?

 

[AJ29]

Laurie, I really hope that my opinions are helpful to you in some way, and not offensive.

I really think that I understand where you are coming from with wanting to spend money on Taylor and buy her nice things.

You have said that you grew up dirt poor, and that as a child you had nothing. My understanding is that you want to avoid - at all costs - Taylor feeling like she misses out on anything. I am sure that is magnified by you being a single parent as you probably want to try to "make up for" the absence of her father (meaning that he doesn't live under the same roof, not that she has nothing to do with him).

I believe that your intentions toward your daughter are good. I really do! (Which is why I hope my comments help you, and don't offend you).

I think there is a balance there, and my observation (and posts from you such as this one) lead me to believe that you don't have that balance right yet (and neither do I - I am far from being the perfect parent!). It is great to be able to give your daughter nice things... Just remind yourself that you can show her your love in other ways too - hugs, kisses, kind words, special notes, cooking her favourite foods, and teaching her to be responsible. (Again - not saying that you don't do those things already). Perhaps everytime you go to buy her something, think of a new and different way to show her you love her - that helps you to know that you are showing her, without spoiling her until she is totally rotten (a little spoiling is ok ).

I really hope I help you in some way. I know it isn't easy!

 

[EmilyF]

AJ29, I think you are right on the money (pun only sorta intended). Laurie, I don't think a single one of us doubts that you love your daughter. We do think that you need to be careful about showing that love through gifts. Notice I didn't say not to buy her gifts or show your love that way at all.
What if you set an allowance for yourself with her?
One of the things that worries me about this situation is what happens if you AREN'T able to spend money on her? How will she feel and how will you feel? Will you even be able to stop if something would happen to you financially? I know you don't like people saying these things but my saying it WILL NOT make it happen. What I hope it does is open your eyes to the need to be prepared for it.
The economy is in the toilet. Many people are getting to the point where they ahve to make some serious decisions. Not enough of them are driving less and people are still buying SUVs and such when they aren't needed. Many people are going out to dinner several nights a week. I am not saying that these things alone are sinful or bad but they are a part of a bigger problem. People are not able to adjust to having less money to spend.
Have you talked to Taylor about what these gifts mean to her?

 

[Stan53]

Sorry, but I am obviously missing something here. Laurie, I don't see a problem. You love Taylor. It is suddenly a crime to buy someone you love a gift? More than one gift even? A rock even? That's a problem I should like to have. Mind you I can't walk past a shop without I buy something for one of my girls or my wife....... Maybe I have a problem.......

 

[moonkitty]

Well I can understand buying rocks. LOL. But then again I love rocks and fossils and while the pleasure of finding a rock or fossil in the wild is the best--many types of rocks and fossils are just not found in all locations.

Anyways I digress. While not all psychiatrists recognize obsessive shopping as a problems or disorder, many of them do. In fact it has a name, Oniomania—here is a link to it at Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oniomania personally if you feel you have a problem with addiction or with obsessive-compulsion then maybe you should talk to someone who is professionally able to help you with this.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

I think one thing as parents we can spend time thinkng about is what our actions toward our children are teaching them.

First and foremeost we want to teach then to give love and be loved. That requires really knowing our kiddos and what it is that makes them feel loved. I think it also requires a vulnerability--and that part is hard--well for me at least--because we open ourselves up to great hurt and dissappoinment when we love truly.

Perhaps some of your buying is a way of trying to avoid vulnerabilty--like "If I just keep buying her things, it'll be safe. I know she likes those things--and so there is no risk of her not loving back or feeling unloved." I don't think that's a bad thing

However- I think there can be unwanted consequences to that choice-- that there can be an unintentional message sent that "things" make us happy, that material possesions are what we must strive toward if we are to be satisfied, that if we have enough or the right "stuff" that we will be safe and secure. And therin lies the problem with over-buying or buying everything that a child ever expresses an interest in, etc.

Because as adults we know that a certain level of material possesion does make our lives easier, but once we reach a threshold material possesions then being to make our lives far more complicated. As adults we know deep down that connections to things are no substitute for connections to people. However many, many adults have come into adulthood with material addiction set firmly in place-- and do choose things over people-which yields to lonliness, isolation, and a lack of peace.

I think the thing is to, like St. Paul, be able to be happy with mcuh and to be happy with little. The idea that things, material possesions are at our service--and as such they ought to always have a tangible benefit in our lives. We have a nation full of people who are enslaved to their things-who go into great debt to simply be able to possess and consume more...but who aren't really happy, who can't make relationships work.

Personally- I don't want that for my children. I want them to develop a healthy relationship with their possessions. To learn to buy only what they need and things they love...not just things they want. If they want it and love it--and have the money to get it--that's great. By things they simply want, I am talking about impulse buying and buying just because it's habit or because shopping has become therapuetic or habitual in some way. For example- in a clothing store I might see a shirt I like (at a time when I don't need a new shirt), but it's not like the perfect shirt. Buying that shirt isn't really gonna make my life any better. There'll be a quick high of having something new--and then I'll probably feel kinda bad for spending money on it--and even if I don't that shirt hasn't really made my life better. Contrast that with walking through a store and seeing a shirt that I love--that is the perfect cut and color and just what I have been looking for. I buy it and my life is actually a bit better for having that shirt--each and everytime I wear it I feel fabulous and know that this is the perfect shirt.

That difference is something I want my kidos to have--the ability to discern their needs from their wants...and within their wants- to discern the difference between those things that they really love and will make their lives richer and fuller and better--and things that will just become more stuff-more clutter- more stuff to eventually end up in a yard sale.

 

[jgonz]

I agree with Shannon...

And my DH has the same problem as you do Laurie. He grew up in poverty, on Welfare (his father died when he was 12, and before that his father was considered the "working poor"). DH's mom had zero skills, wasn't even a naturalized citizen yet (from Mexico), and couldn't speak a word of English. DH grew up knowing very much what it was like with nothing.

Fast-forward to the present... and you've got my DH with 2 jobs, a huge savings account (his business account), and he either won't spend a penny or spends way too much money on dumb stuff. He has learned to be a more responsible spender and get quality items (instead of cheap crap that will fall apart quickly, which just means you've spent More in the long-run), but every once in awhile he'll fall back on old habits. Like this past week that he's taken off from work to be home after I had the baby... He's spent so much money on crappy little "things" for the youngest kids just to see them happy! Which is great, but still... we're talking Waste of Money here. I know that this stuff will get broken and thrown out within a month. *sigh* Oh well. He's in the "I have extra now so it's ok" mode~ which will swing the other way soon and he won't even buy pizza for the family. *rolleyes*

I know your situation is Not the same, but it Is similar... I completely agree with Shannon~ realizing that you have a spending problem is the first (and most important) step. Next you need to figure out why, then you can take steps to change it.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

I went and bought my kid rocks. Rocks!!! Rocks!!!!

Did she like the rocks.I figure they were neat rocks at least.I found a bunch of neat rocks while I was walking and put them in my fish take.As for advice I think you got good advice,But don't beat your self up too much.I've been a Nanny and drown a lot of stuff out that there parent's get for there kids,So you knot the only parent the buys there kids a lot of stuff there kids don't need.

 

[moonkitty]

Did she like the rocks.I figure they were neat rocks at least.I found a bunch of neat rocks while I was walking and put them in my fish take.As for advice I think you got good advice,But don't beat your self up too much.I've been a Nanny and drown a lot of stuff out that there parent's get for there kids,So you knot the only parent the buys there kids a lot of stuff there kids don't need.

This is off topic, but I think you should be careful of putting unknown rocks into your fish tank. Some rocks, like limestone, can mess with the PH blanace of a fish tank and may make the fish sick.