I don't even know where to start, but I need help

[marinasdiamond]

Hey guys... I can't believe I'm back here again (well sort of, haha) but I was active on this forum a few years ago under a different username. I made a new profile under a new name because I'm too ashamed to reveal it, mostly to people who I know in real life who may find this. I'm not even sure where to start really, I've been struggling so much in the past two years and I need help. I could post everything in detail but that would be too much to read, but I'll try to keep it as short as possible...

So somewhere along the line I lost my faith as a practicing Orthodox Christian. It feels like it was around two years ago. I won't go in depth about what I believe now because that would take too long and I'm not even 100% sure, but I have a strong belief that God is out there still, or there's something that ties the universe together and protects people and keeps nature in order. Other than that, I'm struggling to believe in anything else. It's been so hard for me and I feel like I have nobody to talk to about it because I would have to tell them everything else that I've gone through in the past two years and I don't want to have to deal with the shame or the disappointment they might have towards me. I know I need to take that leap, but it's so scary.

I won't go too into depth, but I've made so many terrible decisions in the past two years involving three different guys, all of which were not only non-christians, into partying, used substances, but also extremely depressed as well. One of them had gone to the hospital for feeling suicidal and another refused to go basically because he was manipulating me by telling me he was suicidal. Mainly because of this, my relationship with my family has been seriously damaged, my friendships have been bad, I started drinking and smoking pot to the point of having withdrawal symptoms once I decided to finally quit, and my faith has been seriously shaken. I used to be a fairly strong believer and told myself that my beliefs were so strong that despite the people I was hanging out with, I wouldn't be influenced by them. That was obviously a false assumption. Now I'm dealing with tremendous guilt, coming to terms with the fact that I've made some very bad decisions, I've dealt with feelings of suicide several times, and now I'm on anti-depressants trying to work through my issues without worrying/shaming my family and friends. I don't want to tell them everything. I don't want to have to see the disappointment on their faces when I tell them the things I've done. I feel absolutely terrible... I recently kicked out the guy who I was living with after I transferred to a university because he was taking advantage of me and addicted to pot. After I began developing feelings for him, I had a panic attack and didn't know why. I finally went to the crisis center at my school for feeling suicidal and dealing with a tremendous amount of anxiety, and realized I had been fooling myself into thinking I could handle all these problems on my own and be "fine". I've made so many bad decisions and the worst part is that I lost my faith along the way. I've always dealt with depression and anxiety, and now that I'm treating it with medication, it's making me able to work through my personal issues as well. I remember writing in my diary when I was younger "if I didn't have God, I don't know where I would be." I feel so ashamed for what I've done.

I'm slowly starting to re-consider my religious beliefs and thinking about accepting God back into my life again as a Christian, but it's so scary. For such a long time I wasn't sure what the right thing to think was, and I think partly I was influenced by my friends at the time and didn't want to look stupid in front of them. I hate college. I hate how confusing everything is now and I miss my relationship with my family and I want more than anything to just be able to go home and tell them everything and how ashamed I am, but I'm afraid, and I also don't talk to them as much anymore. I just need somebody to talk to and lead me in the right direction right now. I have almost nobody to talk to and I've recently started going to a therapist but that's only once a week. I got invited to go to a church tomorrow and I'm really hoping that helps give me some answers. If anyone can offer some support, or advice, or wisdom, I would appreciate it so much. I really need it right now. Thank you <3

 

[paul1149]

Dear one,

If you can't speak to your family at this point, you still can speak to God. Remember, He is the father who looked down the road, waiting longingly for the prodigal son to return (Lk 15). No matter what you've done, He will accept you back. He knew all the time you were capable of falling; now you know too. I doubt you'll do that again. With His love healing you, you will become strong at the broken places. Jesus gave so much in order to have you with Him. Don't deny Him because of some youthful mistakes.

 

[Tigger45]

Most people aren't going to be there for you when you really need them. Don't give a second thought to those people. Only people who truely love you are the ones you should care what they think. All that being said sometimes the only one that has been there when I needed Him was Jesus. Just saying.

 

[marinasdiamond]

Thank you<33 I'm trying to build up the courage to talk to them about it soon. I'm going to be seeing them in 3 weeks when school's over and I'm going to try to get my grades up at least. I've decided I'm going to try to talk to the pastor at the church tomorrow, too. On a side note, Paul is my favorite disciple so i find it funny that you were the first to respond lol

 

[RCF]

marinasdiamond,

So much of your post seems to be dealing with your seperations, and fear of reuinion. You have seperated yourself from your family, God, friends, and trusted people. You made some poor decisions as to who would replace those you left. You are afraid to go back and explain what you have done for fear of rejection. Now you have the desire to go back to those you need since you have uncovered the unhealthy and abusive nature of the guys in your life over the last 2 years.

I am so reminded of the young son of a wealthy man in the bible that left his father and family to live a life of fun at the expense of his inheritance. He lived the life for a while, used up all of his cash, and had to look for work. Evenually he found himself living in horrid conditions, worse than his father's servants. He admitted to himself of the mistakes he made, gathered up his courage, and returned to his father, hoping to at least work for him.

The rest of the story is... he was received to a hero's welcome! His father loved him so much and missed him so much, that when he returned, his father forgave him instantly, and brought him back into his house with a giant party.

Come back to God, go back to your family and friends, you really need a support group that you can trust, unconditionally. I can't say everything will go back to the way it was, or that everyone will just forgive and forget. Even in the biblical story, the young man's brother was not exactly happy to see him received so quickly and thouroughly. But God wants you back in his fold. The fact that Jesus created the pathway back to glory for the unjust proves this. (By the way, we are all unjust. Thus the reason for God's plan of salvation.)

People are not always as forgiving as God. I don't know what it will take to get your friends and family back, but I would really recomend honesty. Pray to God about your ordeal, and include your family. Let God lead you to Him, and your family. It may take time and work to build up relationships you consider lost at his time, but I have seen in my life many things forgiven when the transgressor is sincere and serious about recovery.

Remember to include your church family, too. There are not many joys that are comparable to a wandering soul returning to the way. A loving church can support you in ways you may never even know you needed.

I know we don't know each other except for what you have written here, but I am serious when I say that I am proud of you. You are making good decisions. You know mistakes were made and are not trying to justify them, you are trying to rectify them. That takes courage and character. And in the long run, you may find out that those poor decisions remedied, have given you wisdom beyond your years, able to help others in ways that will make your place in Heaven more glorious.

Follow through with your plans of reconciliation, and if you need help or support, well, come back to this forum.

In brotherly love,
RCF

 

[ephesians4:2]

OP,

We all sin, we all have done things we are ashamed of. Don't beat yourself up about it, the enemy likes to weigh you down with your past. Forgive yourself, learn from your mistakes and move on. God loves you and forgives you if only you repent in Jesus name. You are never alone in this world, God is always with you.

Pray to him whenever you need someone to talk to. My grandmother always told me, "you don't have to be on your knees with your eyes closed to pray, just think and address the Lord when you think, he hears your every thought." Speak to him with your mind and call out to him. He will answer. He loves you.

If you ever want to talk to someone, PM me. I try to monitor CF during the day while I'm at work. I graduated from college last year so I know how it is. It can be a very hostile place for Christians and those wanting to know God better.

 

[marinasdiamond]

Thank you guys so much for your support I'm continuing to explore the Bible and God's Word more, and I feel like I've already been blessed with so much in the past few days. I tried out that church and got introduced to tons of kind people there. It's really small but almost the perfect size for me and the perfect fit-- it's a very open, non-denominational church with a female pastor and a band that invited me to play the drums with them already xD the music was awesome-- it moved me so much to be there that I almost started crying several times, and it felt like such a relief to be around so many kind people. Idk. I'm still a little bit skeptical about it but I've been praying to God and I don't want to jump to conclusions but it seems like he's been opening so many doors for me-- I ran into a couple of people I hung out with once and got the girl's number, so now I have a girl friend here I also decided to go to a Christian bookstore one day to look for a devotional and when the cashier asked me how my semester was going and I told her, she gave me a huge hug and invited me to an encouragement session at the school where she said girls have stories really similar to mine. Not only that, but a man behind me in line invited me to the campus ministry and I'm going tonight at 7 to check it out I've been trying to put more thought into what choices I make and my attitude, and I told my sisters about going back to church and they seemed really happy. Idk. I still have some struggles with some of my old friends/guys/attitudes but I'm really hopeful with all the support I've gotten recently. Thank you guys so much for the encouragement <3

 

[Tigger45]

 

[RCF]

Awesome follow through! Now get out there and fellowship with your new suport group, follow your heart, guide yourself with His word, and talk it over with Him through prayer. And keep us posted, we are praying for you.

RCF

 

[marinasdiamond]

Thank you so much<3 I really feel like your prayers are getting through to me and helping me-- I've been reading my Bible every day for the past few days and it's helped me immensely. I'm so grateful that I've come back to God... it's such a relief. It's astounding how quickly things can change for the better when you accept Him back into your life, and when you realize He has always been there even when you don't see Him. I've just been crying with relief non-stop at that realization. I think I've grown in Him so much and gained so much wisdom throughout all of this, so I'm taking it as a positive learning experience. It's really showed me how much I need Him in my life and how much I depend on Him. I tried to depend on guys for so long, and I lost sight of God... this wonderful girl I recently met said it perfectly, "I made them my god." And as much as that realization horrifies me now, I'm so grateful that God showed me how much I needed Him and how much I needed to study his Word.

I can't believe how much I've realized in the past week. And it's all thanks to God working in my life... I got invited to another church and tried it out, and it's absolutely wonderful. There's this big group of college students who go to the same university I attend and they're amazing. It seems like the most loving, supportive church I've ever been to. There's been so many signs from God telling me to come back to Him-- it's crazy, the first girl who introduced herself to me had my sisters name and my same birthday, and the second girl who sat next to me had my middle name. Not only that, but the only person I became friends with at my university before all of this happened but I hadn't been able to get in touch with just popped up behind me and goes "The world keeps getting smaller and smaller"! He's one of the coolest guys i've ever met (as a friend) and to me that was just proof that it was the right church for me, haha. And the pastor is amazing, and every sermon he's given in the past week (I've been three times) has applied to my life so eerily well that it really feels like God is working in it.

I'm not saying everything's fixed and my life isn't hard anymore... I saw my roommate today and it wasn't a very pleasant experience, but I feel lucky because at least now I know I need to fill my life with more positive people. Time is precious, and I realized there's not enough time of it to be around negative people who bring you down.

I've done so many things, like make more time for my homework, and be more careful about what I eat, and make time to read the Bible, and get back in touch with my family. I've talked to my mom a lot and opened up to her a lot, and there are still things I feel like I need to tell her, but I'm so happy I did because she's so supportive of me. She's kind of blunt sometimes but I've realized lately that can be a good thing. I've also gotten a little closer to my sister, who basically used to be my twin up until a couple years ago, and she was also very forgiving and happy for me. I'm just super grateful. The confusion in my life is melting away as I read more of God's Word and everything is making so much more sense. Sometimes it's still a little hard to be alone but when I read the Bible and realize how lucky I am I feel better.

So needless to say, I've accepted Jesus back into my life and I'm finding so much strength in myself that I didn't think I had through Him. It's funny how completely surrendering yourself can make you stronger. And the night I wanted to just give up and die, I surrendered myself to God by praying for the first time in years and asking him to save me, and He did.

Lol, I'm sorry I'm ranting and this sounds really melodramatic but it's just what I've experienced in the past week and it's astounding to me that it's happened in such a short time. I don't know what it is but I just feel this huge weight lifted off my shoulders, and I feel so much more confident which is something I haven't been able to say in years. But it's a humble kind of confident. That's the best part. Idk, I feel so much better and I'm sorry this was so long but thank you so much for your support in leading me back to God. I love you guys <3 haha

 

[marinasdiamond]

Most people aren't going to be there for you when you really need them. Don't give a second thought to those people. Only people who truely love you are the ones you should care what they think. All that being said sometimes the only one that has been there when I needed Him was Jesus. Just saying.

I've definitely realized that in the past few days. Thanks<3

 

[RCF]

marinasdiamond,

Hey. I have a bone to pick with you. Don't apologize for telling us so much! Just kidding. My soul sings to your ramblings. This is what we want for you, but better and more importantly, this is what God wants for you!

Enjoy this time of building. Every day will not be perfect, but following the perfect plan will help you through any rough days ahead.

If I could go back in time and change one thing to make my life better, it would probably be searching out and finding a church community during college that had a very strong friend factor. Surrounding yourself right now with the right loving and caring people can and will help you find where Jesus wants you to be and do, as well as keep you accountable. Not in a "I told you so", sort of way. In a "Hey, I love you, and I see you are troubled, what can I do to help you get back on track?"

God Bless You marinasdiamond,
RCF

 

[marinasdiamond]

Thank you so much )) I feel extremely lucky and... maybe not lucky, but blessed by God to have met such wonderful people. Never in my life have I felt so supported by such a big group of people, and they're all so strong and confident in God. It's incredibly encouraging to me.
I've also been working on being more honest with my friends, and unfortunately one of them got pretty upset with me recently, but he was one of those "I told you so" sort of friends and also told me that if I ever became religious he would stop talking to me, so it's just as well. It's been pretty hard because some of them I was really close to. But I know God has a plan for me and I know He's working in my life for something better and if I keep trusting Him I'll get on the right track. I KNOW I'll get on the right track, I already am, I just need to be patient about becoming closer to these new people and realize that my choice to become close to the people in my life before was MY choice, and it's just retribution that some of them are angry with me now. So I'm taking it as a lesson. I'm grateful because it only makes me stronger, but I'm trying not to be proud/defensive, because what I told my friend tonight came from my soul and not from my old, fake self, and God nourishes my soul. So I'm thanking him.
I feel so lucky lately ))
God bless!!!