Heya justageek,
One geek to another. I been in that dark place, not so much that I cut myself. Just all my frustration with life not the way I wanted it and my inablility to get myself to do what I need to be doing. It was easier to get mad and give up that face my fears.
I sit in my bed room and like 6 other people are there telling me how useless my life was and what a burden I am. That the world be better place without me. Like death seemed to be the only answer... reality was that it wasn't an answer. Not by a long shot. What broke my suicidal depression was the thought of what my death would do to my Mother. I was in high school when all this happened, she had no clue what I was going through. The thought of her being in pain over something I done was unbearable. Like a dark curtain was removed, and life was ok.
Years later I found Jesus, death was always knawing on my angles like so annoying small chihuahua. Yet I was hungry for freedom. All my life nothing made sense, a puzzle I couldn't put together. Yet that all changed when my longing heart met up with God's word. I consumed it day and night. Even simplest scripture would mean a lot to me.
Proverbs 15:13 (NIV)
A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
I learned that my spirit was crushed by so much...so much heartache. That my soul needed to be healed of so many wounds and unforgiveness. Hardest part was that it was a process, that would take time and lot confronting of pain. Yet I learned, it I didn't walk through my pain with Jesus I was never going to be free.
2 Chronicles 7:14 (NIV)
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
Isaiah 61:1-3 (NIV)
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
I had some serious voids in my life. From severe loneliness, self hatred, lack of confidence, lack of identity, lack of self worth. My heart was so upside down that I was my own worse enemy. Yet after all the evil that spoken over me, a small voice to start to rise. It was different than all the screaming and anger. It told me that I was ok, and making progress. Told me I was like a child learning how to walk, that I made mistakes but I get up and learn from them. It was unlike anything I experienced before.
God encouraged me from the inside, and explained and revealed many things that occurred in my life. Holy Spirit gave me the strength to forgive those who tormented me. Gave me the strength for me to forgive myself for my many short comings. Over time my spirit wasn't crushed any more. Awesome thing is that I can sense my pain in others, and I am compelled to be a vessel for that same encouraging voice on to others.
I share this all with you because I know you are suffering. Death always feels like it's the only release from this suffering, yet the truth is it beginning of much worse suffering. Hang on to Jesus, he is on your side and will help guide you even in your darkest hour. He can be strong for you, and help you to see the lies for that they are. To give you the strength to fight for your freedom.
. Self harm seems like a temporary solution but you are only doing it because you can't take the emotional pain anymore but self harm will just make you feel even worse. God loves you even when life is telling you otherwise. Life is cruel but God doesn't change because of life circumstances. His love for you is eternal and greater than you could ever understand.
