- Feb 13, 2002
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I think this would be the best place to post this...
I had a brilliant moment in the shower this morning (ah, the things that you think about there, lol). I constantly battle with my belief with God. I get discouraged very easily. i realized that my attitude lately has been "God please help me with this" and if nothing seems to happen, I begin wondering if God really exists. And that's stupid. It's like going to a parent and saying, "mom and dad, you won't... uh... you won't take me to the zoo, so I hate you". You wouldn't act like that with a parent. Those who do, are extreamly selfish. And i've been that way in God. But then I began thinking even more (uh oh). It says in Psalms 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." But God hasn't given me the desires of my heart. I've grown up with a dad who seems like he wants nothing to do with me and a mom who is disappointed with me because I refuse to change myself to be like her and who doesn't really love me, but the person she wants me to be. I hate the way I look. I've grown up being told that I'm ugly and no one could ever possibly love me. I've been made fun of the way I look, since I started school. To this day, people look at me and snicker or laugh and call out obscene names. I had very few friends till highschool, and a majority of them are convinence friends.. "I'll talk to her when i feel like it". I've been depressed for the past 4 years, and often think about suicide. This is the desire of my heart?? Yes, it is. I like to help people. When they're hurting I like to help them, to be there for them. I always have. A few months ago, I realized I want to go into counseling. I can help so many people. And I can relate to many of them. What a better way to help, then to tell them that I've been through it, that I do know what they're feeling? God's been preparing me all along. Since the beginning of my life, He's been preparing me. What an awesome thought.
I had a brilliant moment in the shower this morning (ah, the things that you think about there, lol). I constantly battle with my belief with God. I get discouraged very easily. i realized that my attitude lately has been "God please help me with this" and if nothing seems to happen, I begin wondering if God really exists. And that's stupid. It's like going to a parent and saying, "mom and dad, you won't... uh... you won't take me to the zoo, so I hate you". You wouldn't act like that with a parent. Those who do, are extreamly selfish. And i've been that way in God. But then I began thinking even more (uh oh). It says in Psalms 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." But God hasn't given me the desires of my heart. I've grown up with a dad who seems like he wants nothing to do with me and a mom who is disappointed with me because I refuse to change myself to be like her and who doesn't really love me, but the person she wants me to be. I hate the way I look. I've grown up being told that I'm ugly and no one could ever possibly love me. I've been made fun of the way I look, since I started school. To this day, people look at me and snicker or laugh and call out obscene names. I had very few friends till highschool, and a majority of them are convinence friends.. "I'll talk to her when i feel like it". I've been depressed for the past 4 years, and often think about suicide. This is the desire of my heart?? Yes, it is. I like to help people. When they're hurting I like to help them, to be there for them. I always have. A few months ago, I realized I want to go into counseling. I can help so many people. And I can relate to many of them. What a better way to help, then to tell them that I've been through it, that I do know what they're feeling? God's been preparing me all along. Since the beginning of my life, He's been preparing me. What an awesome thought.
