I can't get him to understand

Everlasting33 · Jan 30, 2009

flying_kiwifruit said:
How much would I like to say this is over, but its not. He is still living with, although I have broken up with him, he is stil trying to kiss and feel me, he is always moody and whenever he is in a bad mood I feel like its my fault, and I don't have the self confidence or esteem to tell him to stop. I just hate this and want to get out

I want you to know that it can be scary to leave someone like your boyfriend. I don't know how long you have been dating but if you love him, its even harder to leave someone that you are familiar and comfortable to seeing everyday and that you care for.

It can be somewhat easy for strangers on a forum to say, "oh yeah, break it off. He's abusive and dont tolerate that." We aren't in your shoes. I am assuming there are some things you like about your boyfriend that may seem to make it "not so bad."

But you are capable of breaking this off! You are strong and brave. Courageous. Just read your quote that you have on your profile. Courage is sticking up for things no matter what happens. You want out, you know its wrong that he hits you, you deserve better...now act on what you feel is best.

You can do this! We are here to support you. Phil 4:7, "For the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

It isn't easy and it may be quite scary. Courage isn't the absence of anxiety and doubt. We can take action spite feeling scared and uneasy...that is why it is called courage.

Praying for you.

flying_kiwifruit · Jan 31, 2009

How am I suppose to kick a guy I have known since I was 10 and dated for 2.5 years out of my house I don't see how thats possible

Everlasting33 · Jan 31, 2009

flying_kiwifruit said:
How am I suppose to kick a guy I have known since I was 10 and dated for 2.5 years out of my house I don't see how thats possible

I am not in your shoes and I understand that it is easier for me and the others to tell you to break it off with this man. You have to make the best decision since you know what is most important to you and how this man makes you feel.

What is important to you?
Are you genuinely happy with him?
Do you feel cherished, respected and loved?
A couple posts back you said you want out...why not listen to that voice?

ke1985 · Jan 31, 2009

It doesn't sound like your happy with this man. If he is hurting you, how is that loving you? If he is abusing you, how is that protecting you?

UnitynLove · Jan 31, 2009

flying_kiwifruit said:
How am I suppose to kick a guy I have known since I was 10 and dated for 2.5 years out of my house I don't see how thats possible

Try to sit down with him and tell him whats really on your heart and be serious about it. And ask if there is anything that is causing him to act like this and is there any way that we can live in peace with each other while you are there. Basically, try to make a peaceable solution to your problem with him.

flying_kiwifruit · Feb 2, 2009

I am no longer going out with him. I broke it off with him coming up 2 weeks ago, but he still lives with me because he has no where to go, when I broke up with him, because I was living with me it was really hard, he was moody and everything was still my fault. Now less than 2 weeks later I am once again at his submittle, not as a girl friend but as a flatemate. Because I used to date him he still thinks that lying on me, when I don't want to do stuff threaten me with squeezing me in places friends should not squeeze. But I can't kick him out that would be putting him on the street. I am despratly unhappy but I can't change what he is doing because I couldn't cope with the moodyness. I know it easier to say kick him out, but when that means a friend for 10 years would end up on the street its not that easy.

ke1985 · Feb 2, 2009

does he have a job? does he make money? if so, he is well capable of getting a place on his own.

flying_kiwifruit · Feb 2, 2009

No he doesnt have a Job, atm he gets 153 a week which in NZ isnt enough to support yourself in a flat, atm he pays 20 board each week and he struggles to have enough money.

PEPSI FAN · Feb 2, 2009

Hi to everybody. now im going straight out with this. i am the ex bf of nat. my name is bryan. now i know what ive done is wrong and i cant be sorry enough about it and im paying the price for it. i have read this thread which has explained more then i knew at 1st. there are a couple of posts in here that im thankful for the advice you gave nat. there are some that i dont like to much because not everybody knows everything thats going on.

Right now i will apoligise for my actions. most of the time i do not know my own strength and i hate it. there are still a few things i need to learn about nat but that will come with time. in my life i have never had anybody scared of me, to have nat scared of me hurts me deeply. some of the things i still do is because im not used to having nat as an ex gf. so i still got to learn to deal with that.

if you have any questions feel free to pm me and il do my best to answer them.

Bryan.

flying_kiwifruit · Feb 4, 2009

As you can all see Bryan has found this thread, but however why has this stopped the replies, you know his side now. Do you think the same things, do you still believe he is abusive, I want to know for my sake of mind

Tenebrae · Feb 4, 2009

Hi Brian

I'll be blunt, it doesnt matter what the excuse is, its never ok to hit a woman and its definately not ok to say "sorry you made me so angry I couldnt help myself" the choice to hit is yours, and when it comes down to it, as angry as you may feel, you always have the choice to walk away.

Sorry dude, I dont say anything online that I'm not prepared to say to the person directly .

Theres been times when I've been pretty darn angry and really wanting to beat the stuffing out of the person infront of me. I have always chosen to walk away, simply because it is not ok to hurt another person just because I am angry regardless of what I may feel is the provacation

links and more links if you are interested. From what Nat has said it sounds like abuse, I think people can change so no i dont think you are a lost cause. The fact that you realise this is a problem puts you light years ahead of many guys

Tenebrae · Feb 4, 2009

flying_kiwifruit said:
As you can all see Bryan has found this thread, but however why has this stopped the replies, you know his side now. Do you think the same things, do you still believe he is abusive, I want to know for my sake of mind

Nat

Nothing I said has changed. as I said to Brian I dont say anything that I'm not prepared to say to the person directly. I do think that people can change. As I said previously if someone hits you in your parents home, it concerns me that violence would esculate when you are no longer living under your parents roof.

PEPSI FAN · Feb 4, 2009

thanks for your words Tenebrae. i know that its wrong to hit a woman and the way i say things are stupid. i have been working on the way i speak. nat and i still hang out which is cool. today she was getting very smart but i managed to keep my hands in my pockets and walk. thats something im trying to teach myself how to do all the time.

but once again thanks for your words.

Everlasting33 · Feb 4, 2009

weirdo said:
today she was getting very smart but i managed to keep my hands in my pockets and walk.

Something about this sentence just doesn't sound right to me.

Is she not allowed to get smart? Why is her getting smart something that makes you want to lash out?

It's almost as if you are speaking about a child.

Additionally, it is admirable that you have come on here to discuss this with us.

PEPSI FAN · Feb 4, 2009

Steelerbred33 said:
Something about this sentence just doesn't sound right to me.

Is she not allowed to get smart? Why is her getting smart something that makes you want to lash out?

It's almost as if you are speaking about a child.

Additionally, it is admirable that you have come on here to discuss this with us.

sorry it wasnt meant to sound like that.

and nothing makes me lash out. its just the way i wrote it out that it makes it sound like that. sorry.

Tenebrae · Feb 5, 2009

weirdo said:
thanks for your words Tenebrae. i know that its wrong to hit a woman and the way i say things are stupid. i have been working on the way i speak. nat and i still hang out which is cool. today she was getting very smart but i managed to keep my hands in my pockets and walk. thats something im trying to teach myself how to do all the time.

but once again thanks for your words.

Hey Brian

There will be times when people will say stuff that will annoy the living heck out of you, and you'll want to lash out at them. The choice is in how you deal with that situation.

For example in my anatomy and physiology lecture this afternoon, I was sitting in front of a couple of young kids who wouldnt shut up and kept talking through out the lecture. It annoyed me really badly because not only was it distracting me, it was really disrespectful to the lecturer.

Now I could have turned around and told them to shut the heck up, however nothing positive would have come from it, so I said nothing only determining not to sit near them again.

Thoughts dont condemn you, its how you choose to act on it, and there are heaps of places, relationship services, stopping violence that will give you the support that you need to change. Like I said, the fact that you see this as a problem puts you ahead other guys to start with

Tenebrae · Feb 5, 2009

Steelerbred33 said:
Something about this sentence just doesn't sound right to me.

Is she not allowed to get smart? Why is her getting smart something that makes you want to lash out?

It's almost as if you are speaking about a child.

Additionally, it is admirable that you have come on here to discuss this with us.

thoughts shouldnt necessarily condemn a person, I'd be lying if I said that I'd never had thoughts of wanting to lash out at people who have ticked me off.

Its how we choose to act on those thoughts that counts IMO

I'm sure that many guys who started on the journey of living without violence had moments where their partner said something that left them feeling like they wanted to lash out. I do get your point though

flying_kiwifruit · Feb 5, 2009

He doesnt lash out so can you guys please stop saying that. There is a difference between lashing out and hitting. He doesn't lash out because most of the time I derserved it, if it was lashing out it would be when I didn't derserve it.

Everlasting33 · Feb 5, 2009

flying_kiwifruit said:
He doesnt lash out so can you guys please stop saying that. There is a difference between lashing out and hitting. He doesn't lash out because most of the time I derserved it, if it was lashing out it would be when I didn't derserve it.

You have got to get rid of this "I deserve" mentality. No one deserves physical abuse, especially when it comes between a man and woman.

Tenebrae · Feb 6, 2009

flying_kiwifruit said:
He doesnt lash out so can you guys please stop saying that. There is a difference between lashing out and hitting. He doesn't lash out because most of the time I derserved it, if it was lashing out it would be when I didn't derserve it.

hitting someone is lashing out.

You dont deserve it.

And if he hits you under your parents roof, what do you think is going to improve when you are no longer living under your parents roof?

I can't get him to understand

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