I cannot do this anymore I cannot live this way

[picassoui]

I AM NOT SUICIDAL LET ME MAKE THAT CLEAR..... I am speaking in spiritual terms ....This is the worst thing i have ever experienced in my life nothing compares to it, not depression, not physical illness, not loss of a love one or abandonment by someone you love .. Nothing compares to this ,,

I cannot live my life not knowing if i can ever be saved because of something i have thought or said . Whether deliberate or not and sometimes i just don't know the difference. This is hell on earth honestly .. i am tormented every day of my life with unwanted thoughts memories of things i have said by accident or automaticaly that if done deliberately ,for sure , would qualify as the unpardonable sin , and realy not knowing for sure whether they qualify just because , .. I mean i don't think God would want anyone to go through this .. I am realy at my end here and im very tempted to think how fortunate atheists realy are .. thats a horrible thing to say but religion isn't supposed to be this way .

I am fast comming to the point not caring where i go when i die because i fear thati have excluded myself from grace or if there is the slightest chance that i could be saved for real, that i wont do something correctly , i used to fear this when i believed i was a christian. You must say the sinners prayer and you must say it correctly and mean it o it 100% from you're heart and if you leave out just one percent you're not realy saved ..HOW DO YOU KNOW!? How can you know you're own heart like that..honestly? Then of course there are different theological views ..One of which says well you don't choose Christ he chooses you so if you think you need a prayer to be saved then you are trusting in a work ... I do not even know what to believe anymore .

Do you see how frustrating this is ? Do you see how someone can come to a place of anadonement after a while ?

I mnot looking for any of you to solve my problems only God could do that but I am nearly ready to abandon all hope and just give up.

 

[babegirl111]

Piccasoi,
I know exactly how you feel. But I am telling you, please don't give up. I know your pain and what you are experiencing and how it feels like your life is being ruined. I almost cried from reading your post because I have been there. i think sometimes we forget how much GOD loves us and how much he wants us to just hold on when we are going through something. Believe me, I truly believe that you are saved, that is why this is hurting you so much. You desperatley want to live right but the fear that the enemy is putting inside you seems unbearable. Please trust GOD and know that he will not let you go and that He loves you very much.

I don't know if this would work for you but I learned to rebell against my OCD. It has done nothing but try to destroy me and I have just decided to ignore it. I know GOD loves me and cares what I go through. He cares so much for you too. Just hold on. I know how OCD is and when you are doing so much better it will bring up something that happened in the past and knock you back down in that pit. Picc, I am here for you. Just pm me if you need anything else. I am recovering from my OCD so I know exactly how you feel about wanting to give up. DON'T PLEASE! i WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU! GOD BLESS!

 

[gracealone]

Hi Picc.,
I totally relate to what you are conveying here. The pain of religious OCD is excruciating. It really made me want to die - but then what if I'd end up in hell?
I don't know what type of things you are currently doing to treat your disorder, (and it is a disorder not a spiritual problem), but if you aren't doing anything like therapy or meds., it may take that kind of help to get you past this awful time so you can move on in your life. You have to ask for help to find out what is available to you. There are lots of options out there for folk who don't have insurance. Sliding scales, medication samples, less expensive meds. like prozac. But you'll never know what kind of help you qualify for if you don't go to a doctor and ask for help. I had to do this when I didn't have health insurance and God provided help for me. My kids have had to do this. My son was even able to go to U of M and see a top specialist for his Graves disease without health insurance. The hospital had a program for people like him that paid for his care.
When I was at my worst I figured I'd never have peace again or the joy of my salvation but I was wrong.
Have you ever read "Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners." by John Bunyan. If not, please do. In it lies the secret to moving past these awful obsessions. Bunyan learned to live with uncertainty about his salvation. He stopped relying on feelings or negative emotions or positive emotions or blasphemous thoughts or any other thing to give him the reassurance he so desperately wanted. Instead he exercised his volitional will to walk on with or without emotional validation. He said "Come heaven or hell, if Christ save me or not I am for going on!" He then dedicated his whole life to serving Christ and living obediently to His Word. He saw no other path of hope so he just willfully chose Christ's path. Even years later when he'd be preaching and a sudden blasphemous thought would assail him he learned to just ignore it and press on. He was doing exposure/response therapy without even knowing that it was OCD that had been tormenting him all those years. And ..... it worked!!! It can and will work for you too.
Never, never, never give up. Stand up to your OCD and tell it that no matter how miserable it makes you feel you will not abandon your resolve to follow Christ.
I am praying for you!!
Mitzi

I AM NOT SUICIDAL LET ME MAKE THAT CLEAR..... I am speaking in spiritual terms ....This is the worst thing i have ever experienced in my life nothing compares to it, not depression, not physical illness, not loss of a love one or abandonment by someone you love .. Nothing compares to this ,,

I cannot live my life not knowing if i can ever be saved because of something i have thought or said . Whether deliberate or not and sometimes i just don't know the difference. This is hell on earth honestly .. i am tormented every day of my life with unwanted thoughts memories of things i have said by accident or automaticaly that if done deliberately ,for sure , would qualify as the unpardonable sin , and realy not knowing for sure whether they qualify just because , .. I mean i don't think God would want anyone to go through this .. I am realy at my end here and im very tempted to think how fortunate atheists realy are .. thats a horrible thing to say but religion isn't supposed to be this way .

I am fast comming to the point not caring where i go when i die because i fear thati have excluded myself from grace or if there is the slightest chance that i could be saved for real, that i wont do something correctly , i used to fear this when i believed i was a christian. You must say the sinners prayer and you must say it correctly and mean it o it 100% from you're heart and if you leave out just one percent you're not realy saved ..HOW DO YOU KNOW!? How can you know you're own heart like that..honestly? Then of course there are different theological views ..One of which says well you don't choose Christ he chooses you so if you think you need a prayer to be saved then you are trusting in a work ... I do not even know what to believe anymore .

Do you see how frustrating this is ? Do you see how someone can come to a place of anadonement after a while ?

I mnot looking for any of you to solve my problems only God could do that but I am nearly ready to abandon all hope and just give up.

 

[Jayangel81]

Its not unusual to call what we experiance "hell on earth" id have to say it is pretty close heh..

Ive said more times than I can remember, "I give up I dont care if I go to Hell anymore" sort of hardened my heart I guess you can say and I felt better. Thats exactly what the devil wants.

Heres a question, what makes a man (or woman) believe they have said something deliberate and not by accident? Is it because it came from your mouth?

Wouldnt you think that you personally would know the difference whether you wanted to say it or not? think about it. you are controlled by one thing and that is fear. youre afraid you said it on purpose, but thats hogwash. what youre (all of us) afraid of does God believe that we said it on purpose.

You need to keep asking yourself. "Do I want to say/think/mumble" these things?"

You really need to. You obviously dont.. So there is only one thing you can do.

Trust God..You need to say to yourself and believe in youre heart "God knows my heart" Do you not believe that He hears us??

Alot of people (not saying you but in general) Believe that God is just a God of Holiness and Justice but they neglect the side of compassion and love. they believe God is some evil dictator who tosses everyone who dont believe into eternal Hell. He isnt.

You need to seek out His love also. Ive learned alot about His love through all the pain we experiance.

Im going to be honest with you because I care about you, until you can believe in God knows youre heart and believe in your heart that He will not hold you accountable for this illness. This will not end the way it should. I know this, I lived it. God has taught me this lesson and it was the toughest for me. And now it is time for alot of other people on this forum to learn it as well.

Do i hear blasphemy in my head? Yes.. I do and i neglect the real way to handle it because im stubborn and sensitive. But I KNOW that God will not hold it against me so I can shake the dust off my feet. And move on with my walk with Him.

Do you remember what Jesus said about accepting Him as a little child?

Thats how we must look at Him. A child will accept their father (a good father) and trust in them.

Well God is the perfect Heavenly Father and that is how we must recieve Him as.

You can do all the greatest things for God and His glory but in truth you will never make Him happy if we dont trust Him with our hearts.

Pray and ask Him to teach you how to trust Him. In fact He has already started and you dont even know it

I will pray for you

Hang in there and as everyone said Dont give up.

 

[jc9992]

I only have on thing to say piccassoui.

If you're condemned, we're all condemned.

 

[picassoui]

Thank you all.

 

[BeccaLynn]

I remember saying that what I was going through was like hell on earth, on more than one occasion. I've even thought in the past that I might as well die and just go on to hell, instead of the torment of hoping I was saved, completely unsure if I was, the FEAR I felt over not thinking I was a real Christian, and the anger I felt over it all. The blasphemous thoughts and the fear over not thinking I was saved was absolutely overwhelming to me. It occupied most of my waking hours, and awakened me at night with a heart-pounding jolt of what I felt was reality. I understand. The thing is that a large number of us do here. My mother even went through, from the age of around 11 up until her twenties, thinking that she was doomed for blasphemous thoughts. I didn't know this until I had struggled with it for many years myself though. It bleeds the life out of you. One night during a college evening class, I left early because of the hopeless feelings of despair. I thought to myself, and to God too, "Why don't I just give up?". I drove to church where my mother was practicing for the worship service. The choir director (who was my aunt) gave me the words to a song that she wanted me to sing. They said:

Many times Satan whispers, "Why do I even try? There's no end to heartache, there's no hope by and by."
But I know Thou art with me, and tomorrow I'll rise where the storm never darkens the sky.

My aunt didn't know my thought about giving up. My mother didn't know my thought about giving up. But, God did. I still battled with the thoughts and the fear, but God wanted me to know that He was with me. He's with you too. He loves us so much. It's hard to see that when the FEAR places itself in such a high position in our lives that everything else seems minor beside of it. But, God is able to bear us up. Please, just like everyone else has said, don't give up. You do care, it's just so frustrating to keep beating our heads against that same defeating wall it seems. Like I said in a previous post, I just have to tell God that He understand even when I don't and go on. He's not let you go.

Rebecca

 

[SkyCloud]

If thoughts come to your head against God, that doesn't mean it's you. The bible says we fight against spiritual forces. I believe that can include bad thoughts. Don't listen to them. Don't take them on as yours. This all could be a chemical imbalance in your head. What gracealone said is right, you may need therapy or medication from a doctor or psychiatrist.