The arrogant apperance of the title was just an attention grabber. I desperately need help. I want to ask people not to answer this thread unless they know their bible doctrines. Saying, "well God is love and He wouldn't do that," will not help me.
I grew up in a Christian home and was always told that I had a call of God on my life. In my teenage years, I turned from God and became "atheist."
A football coach offered to lead me to the Lord, I declined. Circumstances caused by God led me to accepting Christ as savior with him. Christ was not Lord at that point, however.
2 years later, God calls me to bible college. There, I learn bible theology, as well as how to minister through the Holy Spirit, and to be used as a vessel to proclaim His mighty name. Demons manifested, people persecuted me, people were supernaturally healed, and I saw many, many miracles when I obeyed the Holy Ghost.
I never truly sought the Lord. It was never truly about Him. I wanted to marry a girl that went there with me. I was serving God to be with her. In the end, she married somebody else.
I cursed God. I said something to the extent of, "God, Jesus, Holy Spirit.. I am done with you. I will never return to Christianity again."
After that I did not backslide. Instead, I began wilfully sinning as much as I possibly could with the specific intent of silencing the Holy Ghost's voice. He would still grieve me after I denounced Him, but He eventually stopped.
I have slept with 30 women since then. I have become more Godless than I ever was prior to being saved. I am tormented day and night. I know very well that I am going to hell. I try to return to repentance.. but cannot find it in me. I cannot feel sorrow for my sin.
I have studied Hebrews 6 probably more than anybody alive. I fully understand the context of Jewish believers returning to sacraments. I understand the Calvanist and Armenian viewpoints. I have propbably.. without exaggeration spent 100 hours studying this scripture alone.
The conclusion I have come to is this: it means either one of two things:
1. If someone is involved in the things of God as I was, and turns away completely (not backslide), then it is impossible for them, no matter what, to ever be in their original state, saved, whatever you want to call it; again. God will forgive them, but their heart cannot possibly be changed because it is impossible for them to choose it, due to their prior exposal to the things of God.
2. It means that if someone falls away as i described above, YOU, or any other man can not lead them back to the way of Truth. But they can choose it, or God will lead them. In other words, "if someone is engulfed in the fullness of the things of God, and falls away completely.. you cannot convince them to repent, because they are recrucifying Jesus as far as they are concerned. "
I truly don't know which one is true. I'm finding the first one to be true for the last year.. but I might be prematurely judging Gods sovereign plan.
You can either stop reading here, or keep reading to see where things get ten times crazier... all responses are appreciated.
I got in a motorcycle accident that nearly killed me 6 months after going apostate, my life was spared. I believe to have mightily felt God's presence in the brain rehabilitation center.. the VERY THOUGHT of God would make me feel His presence and begin to weep uncontrollably. I had an opportunity there, but I decided, during that, to return to the world again.
That led to me eventually meeting a girl.. the way we met, our connection, was unreal.. unlike anything I've encountered in my life. We met through circumstances that would make anyone that didn't know better believe that God put us together.. however, I know what the voice of Jesus feels like. Satan orchestrated her and I meeting.
We were in a hotel room our first week together, and while she was in the shower, I had a vision. I saw myself, and her. She was distracting me and hell was beneath us. I saw a black hand come from hell and pull me into it while being distracted. Well, a year later, we broke up. So i shrugged that vision off.
6 months later, we're back in eachothers lives, again, due to supernatural coincidences. My spirit was eating at me, saying somethings wrong. So i cried out to Jesus harder than I ever have saying. "Jesus, if being with her is going to take me to hell, at least make it so that I know it without a doubt." I was screaming at top of my lungs in tears when i prayed that.
I woke up to a text message from my most radical christian friend.. that knows nothing about me. The message said this:
"
I felt God told me to anoint myself with oil and then to sit down and listen. I did so, and immediately I heard the word "friend". I continued to listen and set my heart upon Him, when I began to see a vision. It was you, walking behind a girl. I couldn't see her face at first, but only her back. She wore a long dress that followed behind her. She seemed to be young and beautiful. Delicacies like candy and color objects followed close to her.
I saw you and it seemed you were drawn to her, as if you wanted to be with her. You were attracted to her and had a desire to engage with her. You got close and even tried to touch her dress and even smell it; it seemed you would even taste it if you could.
The girl continued to walk with her back to me until I came closer to her front. I then saw her face and it looked like that of a living corpse, even a hideous insect. There was obvious evil and wickedness about her. She then turned to you and grabbed you and killed you in front of me. She left the scene and all I saw was your grave.
I was then taken to another vision in which I saw you with God. In this scene you had refused the woman and were drawn to the Lord. He showed you creation and brought you through mountains and valleys. You were both friends. He brought you before many people and you proclaimed the message of salvation to them. You were enraptured by Him and He with you.
In this scene I have just mentioned, you were consumed with love for God and it did not matter that you were single. Marriage was not even on your mind. You were fulfilled in your relationship with Jesus Christ. "
I called her and told her I was done with her. The pain was overwhelming. I felt such an assurance from the Holy Spirit after making that decision. But the pain was too great. I began pleading with God to let me marry her. I felt, after a couple nights, as if God said, "I will allow you to marry her, without it taking you to hell. But you will never accomplish the plan I have for you."
TO FINALLY SUM IT ALL UP: I am wondering if these struggles of me just being able to not turn to God, no matter how deep in darkness I fall, is described in Hebrews 6.
Is there anybody who feels that can offer something? Personal experience? A passage in the bible I may have missed? Insight? Anything?
God bless you all.