i am struggling with taking care of my mother

[HEdiedforyou]

i am currently taking care of my mother who is terminally ill.it is an everyday job.is there anybody out there who can give me some advice?it would be greatly appreciated.

 

[ChristianDude777]

Grace and peace,

I'm taking care of my mom too. She's not terminal but needs pretty much 24 hour supervision.

Hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Not because of the work I do but because it hurts to see her so dependent.

There's no break, no vacation, no rest.....but I'm glad I can give something back to her. It's a joy to serve her.

Tim L.

 

[HEdiedforyou]

thanks for the enthusiasim.my mom has terminal lung problems,diabetes,and, is on her way to another hip replacement.i guess i do the same things that you do.she also needs around the clock care.even though i have family,i am her main caregiver.i am blessed with a beautiful 15 year old daughter that really helps me.thanks again. cathy h.

 

[country woman]

Last year I was helping my dad and sister take care of our mom She went into the hospital last May and passed away July 1 04 I know its a hard job but keep up the good work.

 

[Zita123]

Last year I was helping my dad and sister take care of our mom She went into the hospital last May and passed away July 1 04 I know its a hard job but keep up the good work.

Just want to let you know I'm praying for your mothers and your families. I am told that in about 10 to 15 yrs. I will be really bad from my arthritis. Right now I need help when I'm sleeping. I wake up in so much pain and can not move over. I have to wake someone up to roll me over and in the morning, I have to be picked up to get out of bed..I told my children (16,18,20,22) If I get so bad where I need constant care, please put me in a home. I dont want my kids to have to see me that way. I was told I have to put this in writing by a lawyer. well, I mentioned this to my children and they got MAD at me!!!! My 20 yr old said " If I want to wipe your butt, then I'll wipe your butt " LOL...She made my day as usual! I see both sides of the picture!

 

[If Not For Grace]

You have been TRUSTED with the greatest honor. Giving comfort in a time of need, displaying your love, to someone to whom you owe so much is the greatest reward you can have.

You get a chance to say-goodbye, show someone REAL love/devotion. I know it is hard (Lost husband of 16 yrs to prostrate cancer). Home care is the best care that can be provided, would you not want to die at home?.

Remember the good times and share them, even if you think they can't hear you--sometimes they can and are just not able to respond. Tell mom the things she has taught you that you want to pass down to your kids.

Remind her how she helped you, taught you etc and say THANK YOU, before its too late.. It willhelp you and let her know the value of her life too.

This is the circle of life, They did it for us when we were babies, it's not so hard to return the love. It hurts us to loose them--but they are getting ready for the next level.

Give them the best you got--time is short. Be not weary, He will sustain you.
Helping someone die with dignity is one of the most noble tasks you can ever do.

 

[mnphysicist]

Give them the best you got--time is short. Be not weary, He will sustain you.
Helping someone die with dignity is one of the most noble tasks you can ever do.

This is good wisdom. Most likely there will be times when you will be up for days at a time. It can be so fatiguing... yet the tasks at hand seem so impossible, and you long for rest, if it even be an hour. God will sustain you.... and help you throughout.

There will also be times when you may be the object of aggresion and anger. You must remember, this is the disease, not your mother. Sometimes it may be necessary to stop for 10 minutes and take a break, othertimes, medical necessity will require you to just deal with it. There have been times when I have collapsed on the floor out of exhaustion... only to be awakened when things are thrown at me. Remember it is the illness, pain, and frustration your mother is experiencing, and you just happen to be the target. Jesus will provide the strength.

There is a tendency during this time to loose compassion, and become a mindless drone, more so if its years, in my case, it happened around year 5. This will require time in the word of God to get your heart correct again. It can be a very lonely time, but God is there for you. This can be even more difficult if you are the breadwinner as well as the caretaker.

If you check out caregiver websites, often times they will mention it is important to take care of yourself. They will also make note that one should find help. To me, both of those suggestions were like throwing salt into an open wound. In my case, both were impossible as stated. In some situations, they may be, and they are good advice for sure, but do not let the well intentioned suggestions of others get you down. I only bring this up, such that you can decide where to seek out wisdom. Many well intentioned people have great, yet impossible ideas. They are not in your shoes... Certainly if help is available, do not let your pride or other concerns stand in the way. It is too important for both you and your mother to seek it out, and accept it.

Some practical things I have found that work for me.
It is important to take breaks, even if they be only weekly for an hour or two. It is helpful to get out of the environment, if only for a short time. I call it grocery shopping, and or lawn work, or even shoveling snow, in reality, it is my personal time.

Get a reliable intercom, and or local beeper with a call button at the bedside. It has been a major help to me.

Figure out the key times to accomplish your personal and work tasks. Since I run my own business, I do most of the work at night, and my crew steps in for my abscense when caretaking calls. Fortunately, I am blessed as I get a 4 hour block of uninterrupted time between 1AM and 5Am. The rest I fit in as I can. My guys are quite understanding, and I let my customers know my situation as well, although that may or may not be a good idea in all situations.

Exercise can be useful to clear one's mind. I go on circular run/walks from my home such that I am always within 5-10 minutes if my beeper goes off. I also try to do so when she is sleeping.

Church activities become impossible. Originally I was wondering if foresaking the assembly of believers was outside the will of God in this situation, yet my Pastor reminded me of Stephen. I long for the days of teaching sunday school and music ministry, but God has chosen a different path for me. It took a while for this to sink in. It is not my will, but God's, he makes the call.

Get some wise council from your Pastor. I remember his wisdom like it was yesterday, although its been many years. Even more so, when I've been up for 72 hours straight.

To me, those are the toughest times. The emotional strain is a constant, but the physical strain sometimes gets to be too much in combination, and I fall asleep in place. It happens, one should not feel guilty about it (I say that, but yes, I still feel guilty anyhow...)

And lastly sharing... I spend a few hours/week on forums, sharing my knowledge, and now that I've found this forum, a few things of the Lord. In many cases as a caregiver, hobbies and other things go on indefinite hold (well pretty much most activities that require leaving the house anyhow). Forums and such are a way of social interaction, albeit unusual, that you may find helpful in coping as well. Although I no longer have my hands in my hobbies, I find that the outlet of forums and sharing knowledge gained is a way of relaxation and stress reduction.

Ron

 

[D.RoK11]

I take care of my mom too. She had 2 strokes within the last couple years and is pretty much in a vegetative state. It's hard bacause the rest of my family moved to Maryland and I'm the only one here to take care of her. But she took care of me all my life and I love her more than anything so it doesn't bother me. It's the least I can do. I will never put her in a nursing home.

 

[Reborn83]

I don't know if I can offer too much advice, but I'll give it a try. I currently work as a Certified Nursing Assistant as a caregiver at one of our local alzheimer units, so I can understand a little of what you're going through.

First off, you must truely love your mother to be willing to take care of her, and that takes a lot of patience as well. I'm sure your mother is very proud of you and happy that you're there for her.

With all this though, remember not to wear yourself down. If you overwork yourself you're likely to get stressed out and lose patience, which isn't good for either of you.

Is your mother on hospice yet? If so, I encourage you to talk with them so that they can offer you counseling and support. If not, your local hospital may be able to put you in touch with someone who can offer you the emotional support and release that you need. If neither of those work, talk to your pastor.

Also, you should take some time off for yourself. I know it's hard to think about, but everyone needs time to recharge their batteries. Look through your phone book or call your hospital again, and try and find a Home Health agency that may be able to look after your mother for a bit so that you can take some time to yourself.

Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Remember, take care of yourself, too!

Katie

 

[HEdiedforyou]

a big thankyou to everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[symphonyb]

I think alot of you,you're doing God's work on earth.He will bless you in his world,and you can be assured He see's it all.My mom passed away with cancer last year,my brother and I cared for her in the end.It was at times emotionally draining but in the end,we felt roles turning.She became the child.GOD BLESS YOU!!

 

[Wildwood]

Learning to be flexible and not keep a schedule helped me. I work from home and, like one of the other members, I often work in the wee hours of the morning between 3 and 7. I've learned to take naps during the peaceful times and to catch up on my sleep when I can.

I also tried to make the physical labor easier. Mopping floors was the hardest for me, so I bought a floor scrubber (it's like a vacumn cleaner but squirts mop water and scrubs, too, then squeegies up the water). It's especially nice after helping my mom take shower, which always floods the bathroom. It saves the physical labor and also the frustration of cleaning up the many spills and messes.

I try to make grocery shopping into a fun outing--for both of us--by going when we can also get a sandwich and socialize a little. It also relieves me of making that meal and cleaning up on the same day we go grocery shopping.

Asking for help is hard for me, but I've learned to accept it now as a gift from God.

The most important thing for me has been to keep in fellowship with God with morning devotions and going to church on Sunday. I have to start getting us ready on Saturday, but it is worth the effort because the worship and fellowship renew my spirit.

God bless you and keep you.

 

[Yasha]

I'm in a really funky place. I can't give anybody advice on the Mom-care thing. I can pray with you when I pray for myself in this is about all.

My elderly mom has been very independent her whole life since my dad passed. She is now becoming more and more needy.

My problem is that we were never close. We get along fine and are pleasant and even loving toward each other...but, my mom was never my friend. In fact, she sucked at being a friend to me when I needed one most growing into womanhood and ever since as well. She is one of those people who endures your part of the conversation, while she formulates her responses, not even listening or ever feeding back to your comments. She is a serious disconnect to me. SO, there is a resultant lack of relationship that I have filled with many other women. No big deal. I don't fret over it. I accept it. She never got along very well with women and I just considered her bitter toward most people.

I have ignored that most of her life since growing up and include her and do with her and such. Recently, in my difficulties in my own family, she has been of little to no real support, as usual. So, as they put more demands on my time, I spent less with her. She doesn't regard my stepchildren as her grandchildren and gravitates towards my sister's family where the children ARE her grandchildren, in her eyes. So, she has gotten her social needs met by her insistence to be included in my sister's world. No thing. It is what it is.

Yet, now, when she has become more needy, everybody wants my help with the unpleasantness of her aging concerns and needs. I am not involved with her so much because of how she has chosen to go on in past years. Suddenly, there is this anger toward me for the structure of a relationship that is distant because everybody WANTS me more involved. Well, I can't wiggle my nose and make involvement and new habits occur. We have no habit of daily phonecalls or regular visits. If she hadn't become burdensome, no one would still be calling on my assist. So, what is frustrating me is the sudden need of me. No one changed when I was in need of them. I was okay with that. It was just a habit not to lean on them. But, the reverse is suddenly my fault. I find this all so odd.

So, I sort of freeze in my confusion with HOW to suddenly create a new definition for a relationship that has developed over a lifetime.

..frustrating. I avoid the subject, mostly, because it is not a habit to be involved with her. I do know I SHOULD, but so far, that is a concept I don't know how to implement. We just don't have a relationship that is this close. Never did. Isn't this also a natural result of her neglect of me? I feel confused by the need to suddenly be involved becuase it is so hard now for my brother and sister.

I am being honest here. Condemn me if you want. I need God to bring some change in me that I can't figure out, or I will continue to habitually think without her in mind.

Many of your responses sound so wonderful and caring, and easily to be written by me toward people that I do love and interact with daily. I would near die for my family's needs...I have spiritually, emotionally, even physically in some neglect ways...I understand mothering through my husband's kids like I never dreamed I would...the death of self; the sacrifice; the joy. I never learned these things from my mom though, so much. One of the things held in common between me and my husband and son is 'poor mothering.' My husband and son's mothers were both abusive alcoholics. My mom was just a very bitter and withdrawn woman, but there are correlations that have helped me and my guys understand each other.

So, I pray to be what I SHOULD be for my Mom. But, I don't 'feel' it. I know Jesus loves her, I do, too. But it is a sort of a removed kind of love, one that never could count on her to return the emotional or social needs in me.

It is what it is. My kids adore me...I don't know how she has lived without THAT her whole life. Even my brother and sister are 'removed' from her in their closer proximity to her.....any thoughts?

 

[Wildwood]

So, I pray to be what I SHOULD be for my Mom. But, I don't 'feel' it. I know Jesus loves her, I do, too. But it is a sort of a removed kind of love, one that never could count on her to return the emotional or social needs in me.

Shachah,

It's sad that you didn't have a close relationship with your mother. That must have caused you a lot of grief over the years. It's hard to forgive someone who has hurt us, especially someone we love and especially our mother who is supposed to nurture us and accept us. Forgiving someone isn't a feeling, though, it's a choice. We choose not to hold the debt against them. We choose to forgive them because of what Jesus did for us so that we could be forgiven and reconciled to God. Choosing to forgive stops a root of bitterness from growing inside us.

God can use this time when your mother needs you to help you choose to forgive her and be reconciled to her. I think that is why Jesus told us to do good to those who despitefully use us. When we choose to do that, it helps us choose to forgive. I'm praying that God will help you forgive her.

 

[Yasha]

If I didn't convey that before, I already DO forgive her. Years ago. I don't hold anymosity toward her. I accept her.

The problem is, that doesn't change who she is. She is still a distant person who relates from a very self centered place and is hard to endure. Changing our relationship takes a lot of impossible work...she is 86 years old. She is more likely to die than to change. She doesn't know how she is.

I repeat, I do forgive her. I just don't know how to change a relationship that has been crafted over many years in time to serve her current needs for the sake of a sister, mostly, who is suddenly feeling overly needed by their relationship. My sister has lied and catered to her her whole life....anything to please her. I tell the truth and we have a healthier relationship, in my opinion. I don't resent my Mom like my sister does. My Mom also doesn't attempt to manipulate me like she manipulates my sister. She knows I won't have it. Yet, she always calls my sister in her times of need because my sister caters, even through lies and duplicity, to her.

My sister is mad, because her habits have 'come home to roost' now. And, she is mad because my Mom leans so heavily on her.

I can't change these things, nor do I want to. My Mom is NOT welcome to do to me what she does to my sister. My sister states that my Mom becomes helpless everytime she is around. My sister is correct! My Mom remains active and responsible around me, doing for herself more. She prefers to be waited on, so she gravitates toward the place where she has had that. I'm not talking about some cruel forcing of her to do what she can't. I'm talking she yells from a few feet away from an object for my sister to retrieve it for her. This is what I mean. And, yes, I DO forgive her for her ways. She is what she is. And, she likes who she is better when she is with my sister.

I don't know if that helps. I really don't feel a need to spend time with my mom. I made peace with her absence years ago. She also doesn't call me or seek me out, even now. It is a difficult position and it is causing tensions with my sister that are very unexpected...we have long been very close.

I'm sort of stumped. I usually have more of a heart for these kinds of things. I have been a caregiver to many others...I actually, usually enjoy it. There is just so much nothing there with my Mom. When my dad was dying, I couldn't do enough. It was very different.

Like I said, unexpected.

 

[Ritz]

I wish I could go back and reverse the clock.I feel guilty because my mother was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago.I had to choose between my disabled son and her.It hurts badly to recall the fact her own daughter could not be there.My brother had to go,and he to this day will not talk with me.Please,rest in knowing you're caring for her- will be good memories of all you did in the end.God bless ya.

 

[MaddiesDad]

I know a few caregivers of patients with cancer.Such a blessing that people have the heart to give of themselves.To those that feel guilty,you shouldn't.God planted you elsewhere at the time and the right person did what needed done.This is just how I feel since seeing my Grandfather die a long,drawn out death.Some of us were far from him and couldn't help,the ones that could are forever blessed.I thank them.Who said it is God's work on earth is correct.Caring for others is what He wants from us.

 

[bliz]

God can use this time when your mother needs you to help you choose to forgive her and be reconciled to her. I think that is why Jesus told us to do good to those who despitefully use us. When we choose to do that, it helps us choose to forgive. I'm praying that God will help you forgive her.

We forget what the word 'reconcile' means sometimes. It means to re-establsh a relationship. It does not mean to make a whole new relationship. Yes, sometimes that can and does happen, but we are not called to do that. We are to reconcile - to re-establish the existing relationship. If it never was a close relationship to begin with, it will not magicaly become one.

 

[bliz]

i am currently taking care of my mother who is terminally ill.it is an everyday job.is there anybody out there who can give me some advice?it would be greatly appreciated.

Are you getting some respite care? Have a conversation with social service agencies in your area. Respite care is something that often is available at little or no charge and something you need from time to time. Do take care of yourself so you can take care of her.

 

[InTheFlame]

Do you have support from your church (if you have one)? Even intangibles like being prayed for every day, or having someone come around just to chat to you rather than help... these can be very helpful. Sometimes we forget to ask for these things.