I am seriously flawed

[memoriesbymichelle]

Seriously, I have just come to the realization that I am a seriously flawed individual. As alot of you know I am a widow. It's been about 6 years now and I haven't dated. It's been OK. I have my ups and downs about it. A couple of years ago I re-connected with an old friend that happened to be my first love's sister and we got together for her 50th birthday and HE was there. Since that time I cannot get him out of my mind. I figured maybe I'm just supposed to pray for him (cuz he's not a christian, that I know of). Sometimes I have dreams about him. One recent one that I had was we were driving somewhere together and talking about how everyone loves his parents, who in the dream happened to be Ronald and Nancy Reagan! LOL.
So today I go to check my FaceBook and HE is now on there. Of course I asked him to "friend" me, but seriously!!!! WHY can't I just quit thinking about him. His sister (my friend) keeps telling me "you're not that desparate!" She says she loves her brother but he's basically a loser. So I have come to the conclusion that I must be seriously flawed to not be able to get him out of my mind. I mean a million moons ago I looked for him on Classmates.com and Mylife.com before I found his sister and now every time lately I check my email there is a message "Is this the person you are searching for?" WHAT does it ALL mean?
God help me, cuz I have tried and tried to STOP thinking about him.

 

[dayhiker]

MbM,
I don't think your flawed. I think this is pretty natural for your situation. God put big desires in us to seek out the opposite sex and I think that's what's driving your thoughts and dreams.
There is a special place in most people's hearts for their first love even if it didn't work out. With no other love in your life, I think your mind is naturally reaching out to the only guy it can put its thoughts on.
If this guy is a loser as his sister said and you didn't deny, plus not being a Christian I'd say you need to be proactive in this situation. By that that I mean start finding a Christian man to get your mind focused somewhere else. I'd use Christian in a broad sense.
Being bluntly honest .... I think since its been 6 yrs that if you don't go looking for that good man now that in the future you will settle for a man that might not be good for you. I've seen that in the past. Don't want to see it happen to you.

No flaw .. just the way God created us to work doing its thing. Ya, don't expect ministers to preach this. But I've seen it too many times to not believe that its part of how God created us. So with so many things its how we use the way God created us that is important not the absolutist moral theology that tends to have us think in unnatural legalistic views of life.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

You're sweet dayhiker and I do think you make some good points. It's just not in my personality to "look" for someone. IF someone would come along that's different. And as far as me settling, I really don't see that happening. I would be alone before settling LOL. In fact, I've had friends tell me that they think my standards are too high. While that may be true on some levels, I guarantee I won't settle. And I'm not terribly lonely or unhappy being single, really. Anyway, I just had to put my thoughts out there for outside observation. Thanks for your kind words and thoughtful response.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, its good to put your thoughts out there.

I had suspected you were one of the single woman that wouldn't settle. But I've also known of that drive that God puts in us. Hey, I know its in me as well. But even enjoying being single there are those times we miss the coupling stuff.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Yeah I hear ya, but relationships are so much work! LOL and some days I don't have the energy for it. I think I would need someone that was like a truck driver cross country, or fireman, or something where they were gone some of the time. At least that's how I feel today LOL.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, I like the fact that my GF and I only see each other on the weekend. Almost always a phone call each night. Each of us has our space .. our own place we can treat as we want. Don't have to feel obligated to clean or cook something each meal. Can watch what we each want to watch. Not that I have a TV yet! but I can surf the web once I get the work done on my house each day.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Sounds like a great relationship to me!

 

[iambren]

Here's a couple thoughts that popped into my head:


Perhaps because he is not that suitable then he's safe. You were hurt badly by the loss of your husband but you're afraid to open up completely to another man and lose again.

Or

He may have something that's familiar to you, something that uniquely scratches that itch like before. Sometimes we mesh with the same type of person without realizing it, unconsciously.

 

[Mydnyte]

I don't think that you're flawed at all. I think for a lot of us, there's that one, or maybe even more than one person in our lives that we just can't forget about.

 

[Jim the Puritan]

There's NOTHING wrong about what you are going through.

I recently have been going through a very similar situation. Out of the blue I got an email from my first love in college. I haven't heard from her for 33 years, and she now literally lives on the other side of the world. And then I got a "Hi, how are you doing, I found you on the internet" email.

I just went nuts inside, and it's only now, a couple of months later, that I am starting not to be thinking about her 24 hours a day. (To put this in context, I have been happily married to another woman for 26 years.)

The feelings for your first love never go away. It sounds like he still is not the right person for you, but there is nothing wrong about remembering him with a lot of love inside. I know I am still in love with my first girlfriend, even though I would never act on those feelings since we are both married to others. (In my case it would be impossible as well, given her location.)

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, got to love that first love .. its something special ... but then I like all the women I've loved over the years .. tho its not a long list.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

You know what? I just have to say it is SO nice to have comments from you men! iambren, you are right probably on both counts, but I might also tell you this guy, my first love, broke my heart terribly! So that might also be part of it too. I think it's more the familiarity of him OF THE PAST though, cuz obviously I don't even know him really now since that was over 30 years ago. Part of me would LOVE it if he was interested in me and me being NOT interested in him LOL. I guess I just would like it if he realized what a catch he missed . Plus I think I really never got over him although I was over him when my husband was alive because my husband was WAY better than he was in terms of loving me and treating me well etc.
Jim the Puritan, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WHAT YOU SAID! . Funny thing is years ago when my husband was still alive this guy went to see my mom and my mom gave him my phone number and HE CALLED ME! Now I was happily married at the time and it kinda caused a fight between my husband and in the back of my mind I wanted to like have lunch with him just to see how he turned out or whatever. Of course I didn't dare and put THAT thought right out of my mind cuz like I said I was happily married and wasn't gonna jepordize that for anything. IDK but since I started this thread and have been praying about it, the feelings have subsided a bit, so that is good. It still is nice to have a guys perspective that I'm not crazy for thinking like this.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Funny after I posted this morning. THIS song came to me and I didn't even know who sang it or really the whole song but I had the melody so I looked it up...found it right away Ha ha So funny.

YouTube - KT Tunstall Black Horse and a Cherry Tree (with lyrics)

 

[Jim the Puritan]

You know what? I just have to say it is SO nice to have comments from you men! iambren, you are right probably on both counts, but I might also tell you this guy, my first love, broke my heart terribly! So that might also be part of it too. I think it's more the familiarity of him OF THE PAST though, cuz obviously I don't even know him really now since that was over 30 years ago. Part of me would LOVE it if he was interested in me and me being NOT interested in him LOL. I guess I just would like it if he realized what a catch he missed . Plus I think I really never got over him although I was over him when my husband was alive because my husband was WAY better than he was in terms of loving me and treating me well etc.
Jim the Puritan, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WHAT YOU SAID! . Funny thing is years ago when my husband was still alive this guy went to see my mom and my mom gave him my phone number and HE CALLED ME! Now I was happily married at the time and it kinda caused a fight between my husband and in the back of my mind I wanted to like have lunch with him just to see how he turned out or whatever. Of course I didn't dare and put THAT thought right out of my mind cuz like I said I was happily married and wasn't gonna jepordize that for anything. IDK but since I started this thread and have been praying about it, the feelings have subsided a bit, so that is good. It still is nice to have a guys perspective that I'm not crazy for thinking like this.

I also got my heart broken by my first love, pretty badly. (She broke things off right before I graduated; ironically right before I was planning to propose to her.) But I still love her, and maybe the feeling is even stronger because my heart got broken.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Maybe it's just the one that got away syndrome or the person we can't have syndrome IDK, but I know what'cha mean that's for sure. I'd hate to have a second chance and have my heart broken all over again. My heart is still breaking for my husband that went to be with the Lord anyway.

 

[bartony]

Amen on that. When our hearts are still breaking from loved ones gone on, we don't need it again from someone else. I had to go and make a fool of myself to find that out.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

This week (LOL!) I am of the realization that God has someone FAR better in store for me, even if I have to wait to get to heaven or even if it NEVER happens again. I DO trust Him and want HIS will for my life. So again, THIS week (who knows how I'll feel next week ) I am not thinking about my old BF so much except to hope that He comes to a true salvation for him and his whole family and everyone else I know. But as far as if he ever accepts me as a friend on FB or I ever see him again, don't really care so much.