I am lost in how I feel, please help me.

[Getting Over It]

This is my first time posting my thoughts online because I feel like I am in the need for someone's help.

This post may just sound like a edgy teenager unable to process his emotions but please hear me out. I've been having suicidal thoughts ever since I was 13 (I am now 18). Whenever I would mess up (mostly skipping school because I didn't have a paper to hand in because of procrastination or failing in a test) my brain just goes full depressed mode, where I just make myself feel worthless and overall suicidal. I would sit on the railings on my window or the rooftop on my apartment for hours on end thinking of ending it all. I know these reasons seem so small and I tell myself this over and over again thinking "other people in the world are going through so much worse and you cant even take something so small and meaningless" yet I just cant stop myself thing this way. My procrastination and anxiety on how the teachers and friends in my small international school might view me doesn't help when I cant get things done. The only reasons I could not bring myself to end it all was the thought of my family and friends reacting to my death and the sheer shock and pain I would inflict and the fact that I may go to hell for ending my life so early. (this sounds a little nuts but I really do love my family and friends). No one knows about this side of me except of my big brother which is currently in Australia.
(This part may sound narcissistic)
Everyone else knows me as the kind always smiling, cheeky guy that I always am when not wanting to end myself. I have the best parents any child could have wished for and no, the school I go to isn't prestigious at all. When playing with my friends or sometimes talking to my parents, I sometimes think that I couldn't be happier without these people around me and that I am extremely thankful for them being in my life.
I know this whole post is a big mess that doesn't have a clear direction. It's just that whenever I go depressed mode I just go through the whole thought process again and again. I dont know whats wrong with me. Am I just a coward? I dont think im depressed because im not like this all the time. 95% of the time (when I dont have a deadline the very next day demanding papers) I think im the happiest man alive but if I mess up I just want to shoot myself. I am in need of someone just telling me what I am and why I think this way. Am I over reacting? Does everyone feel like this but just handles it better? Growing up has progressively gotten my "depressed side" to get worse, once even getting myself to jump down the stairs to get away from my writing class. Im scared that one day I might actually bring myself to kill myself.
I sound dumb and immature, I know but please help this dumb and immature teenager so I can get my stuff together.

 

[AllDayFaith]

Am I over reacting?

Yea I think maybe you are repeating those thoughts cause it's become a pattern for you. You can find peace with the Lord. What tactics do you use to combat this thought process?

 

[Getting Over It]

Yea I think maybe you are repeating those thoughts cause it's become a pattern for you. You can find peace with the Lord. What tactics do you use to combat this thought process?

I dont really have any tactics, the thought happens, goes on for like 2 days and then my teacher/ family kinda gives me a second chance and I try again to then fail again.

To be honest I was always close to the Lord as my friends back in Australia (I was born there but moved to Korea) had mostly been Christian. I now go to an christian international school, which I learnt about the Lord and im a praise band leader on Sunday yet my "mode" just gets progressively worse. I don't know what im doing wrong.

 

[AllDayFaith]

You need a whole strategy to battle those thoughts. Through prayer and study you can come up with the tools to battle what you are going through.

 

[SkyWriting]

This is my first time posting my thoughts online because I feel like I am in the need for someone's help.

This post may just sound like a edgy teenager unable to process his emotions but please hear me out. I've been having suicidal thoughts ever since I was 13 (I am now 18). Whenever I would mess up (mostly skipping school because I didn't have a paper to hand in because of procrastination or failing in a test) my brain just goes full depressed mode, where I just make myself feel worthless and overall suicidal. I would sit on the railings on my window or the rooftop on my apartment for hours on end thinking of ending it all. I know these reasons seem so small and I tell myself this over and over again thinking "other people in the world are going through so much worse and you cant even take something so small and meaningless" yet I just cant stop myself thing this way. My procrastination and anxiety on how the teachers and friends in my small international school might view me doesn't help when I cant get things done. The only reasons I could not bring myself to end it all was the thought of my family and friends reacting to my death and the sheer shock and pain I would inflict and the fact that I may go to hell for ending my life so early. (this sounds a little nuts but I really do love my family and friends). No one knows about this side of me except of my big brother which is currently in Australia.
(This part may sound narcissistic)
Everyone else knows me as the kind always smiling, cheeky guy that I always am when not wanting to end myself. I have the best parents any child could have wished for and no, the school I go to isn't prestigious at all. When playing with my friends or sometimes talking to my parents, I sometimes think that I couldn't be happier without these people around me and that I am extremely thankful for them being in my life.
I know this whole post is a big mess that doesn't have a clear direction. It's just that whenever I go depressed mode I just go through the whole thought process again and again. I dont know whats wrong with me. Am I just a coward? I dont think im depressed because im not like this all the time. 95% of the time (when I dont have a deadline the very next day demanding papers) I think im the happiest man alive but if I mess up I just want to shoot myself. I am in need of someone just telling me what I am and why I think this way. Am I over reacting? Does everyone feel like this but just handles it better? Growing up has progressively gotten my "depressed side" to get worse, once even getting myself to jump down the stairs to get away from my writing class. Im scared that one day I might actually bring myself to kill myself.
I sound dumb and immature, I know but please help this dumb and immature teenager so I can get my stuff together.

Sit down with a peer and ask them what's going on with them.

1. Forget about yourself; focus on others.
Uncertainty can drive people into themselves, making them feel isolated and helpless. The best strategy here is to go in the opposite direction, expanding your connection with others and focusing on helping them transform their negatives into positives.

The more you contribute in this fashion, the less you’ll need to worry about your own situation. You’ll become a source of confidence for everyone else.

2. Forget about your commodity; focus on your relationships.
In uncertain times, people become frightened about the viability of their “commodities”—the things they sell and the jobs they hold. A more strategic response here is to disregard your own commodity and focus on deepening the power and possibility of all your relationships—with family, friends, team members, suppliers, clients, customers, and prospects.

Every time you strengthen a relationship, the viability of your commodity will increase.

“Scary Times” Success Manual: How To Be A Leader When Times Get Tough

 

[Vieste]

This is my first time posting my thoughts online because I feel like I am in the need for someone's help.

This post may just sound like a edgy teenager unable to process his emotions but please hear me out. I've been having suicidal thoughts ever since I was 13 (I am now 18). Whenever I would mess up (mostly skipping school because I didn't have a paper to hand in because of procrastination or failing in a test) my brain just goes full depressed mode, where I just make myself feel worthless and overall suicidal. I would sit on the railings on my window or the rooftop on my apartment for hours on end thinking of ending it all. I know these reasons seem so small and I tell myself this over and over again thinking "other people in the world are going through so much worse and you cant even take something so small and meaningless" yet I just cant stop myself thing this way. My procrastination and anxiety on how the teachers and friends in my small international school might view me doesn't help when I cant get things done. The only reasons I could not bring myself to end it all was the thought of my family and friends reacting to my death and the sheer shock and pain I would inflict and the fact that I may go to hell for ending my life so early. (this sounds a little nuts but I really do love my family and friends). No one knows about this side of me except of my big brother which is currently in Australia.
(This part may sound narcissistic)
Everyone else knows me as the kind always smiling, cheeky guy that I always am when not wanting to end myself. I have the best parents any child could have wished for and no, the school I go to isn't prestigious at all. When playing with my friends or sometimes talking to my parents, I sometimes think that I couldn't be happier without these people around me and that I am extremely thankful for them being in my life.
I know this whole post is a big mess that doesn't have a clear direction. It's just that whenever I go depressed mode I just go through the whole thought process again and again. I dont know whats wrong with me. Am I just a coward? I dont think im depressed because im not like this all the time. 95% of the time (when I dont have a deadline the very next day demanding papers) I think im the happiest man alive but if I mess up I just want to shoot myself. I am in need of someone just telling me what I am and why I think this way. Am I over reacting? Does everyone feel like this but just handles it better? Growing up has progressively gotten my "depressed side" to get worse, once even getting myself to jump down the stairs to get away from my writing class. Im scared that one day I might actually bring myself to kill myself.
I sound dumb and immature, I know but please help this dumb and immature teenager so I can get my stuff together.

As someone older who has been there with depression and suicidal thoughts, I ask that you PLEASE go to someone for help. Start with a Christian pastor or Christian person you trust and ask them to direct you to a good source for hope and understanding. I, too, was a teenager with such thoughts but at that time there was no awareness of such problems. Now there is, and help is out there - you just have to keep asking until God leads you to the right source. Keep praying to God for guidance and answers - not just when you have negative thoughts - but all the time.
You might try going to Forums/Mental Health & Recovery/Depression Disorders/what are you feeling right now? - I found so many on there that have wonderful insight and advice.
God bless you and guide you.

 

[Vieste]

Forums is at top on Christian Forums and you can re-post your original post or just start a new one on that thread, "what are you feeling right now?". Thread has been going on for some time and many on it are very helpful.

 

[Samaritan Woman]

You posted this thread under "Bipolar Disorder". Have you received a diagnosis for this? If so, medical treatment exists for this as I can testify being bipolar myself.

 

[jisaiah6113]

Sit down with a peer and ask them what's going on with them.

1. Forget about yourself; focus on others.
Uncertainty can drive people into themselves, making them feel isolated and helpless. The best strategy here is to go in the opposite direction, expanding your connection with others and focusing on helping them transform their negatives into positives.

The more you contribute in this fashion, the less you’ll need to worry about your own situation. You’ll become a source of confidence for everyone else.

2. Forget about your commodity; focus on your relationships.
In uncertain times, people become frightened about the viability of their “commodities”—the things they sell and the jobs they hold. A more strategic response here is to disregard your own commodity and focus on deepening the power and possibility of all your relationships—with family, friends, team members, suppliers, clients, customers, and prospects.

Every time you strengthen a relationship, the viability of your commodity will increase.

“Scary Times” Success Manual: How To Be A Leader When Times Get Tough

I can say that number 1 is gospel truth. When you're feeling unworthy, confused, tormented, lonely, the thing needed most is to get OUTSIDE of yourself and get around people who might be feeling the same way whom you can help. I live with moderate mental torment that has gradually gotten better because of more responsibilities that I'm taking on. That's a paradox right there. When you're feeling sick you don't feel you can take on more responsibility, but sometimes, taking on more responsibility can get you out of the funk. Not always. Just like people in physical rehab often don't want to exercise or feel like they can't move, but not moving will just make the problem worse and lengthen the recovery of the body.

Before the pandemic, I used to go to an in person DBSA meeting, which is a meeting of people with profound problems. Even when I didn't say a word, which never happened, I perceived that I would receive an ENORMOUS amount of benefit even if I just sat there and listened to others talk for two hours. I just needed to get off my butt, take the bus down to the center, and be present. That alone will help you tremendously, young man.

I sense that you go very hard on yourself. Relax and try to admit that you're not perfect and that you're loved by God, even when you're in your most confused and tormented state. Do everything you can to be normal during this time. Go out for walks, make sure to get plenty of vitamin D, and take a multivitamin. Say positive things to yourself, like, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." "No weapon formed against me will prosper." "Since God is for me, who can be against me?"

 

[Annner]

Getting over it,

Wow you sound very hard on yourself like you want to beat yourself up over things, like you reject yourself if you mess up. What would you tell someone who did the same thing? You’d say don’t be so hard, condemning, impatient and judgmental on yourself. Is there something you don’t like about you? God likes you an awful lot, this I know. And I know it’s not his will for you to plunge into deep despair like that. I would talk to someone about it. Please, go and read my new thread I wrote today in the Depression section of this forum on how God delivered me instantly after years of dreadful pain. I know what hopelessness feels like, and I know what it feels like when you think you can’t pull yourself out of it. Feels like,,,,what am I supposed to do with this feeling? I felt it had power over me and there was no way out. But the Lord delivered me big time once and for all.

 

[Hopeful37]

This is my first time posting my thoughts online because I feel like I am in the need for someone's help.

This post may just sound like a edgy teenager unable to process his emotions but please hear me out. I've been having suicidal thoughts ever since I was 13 (I am now 18). Whenever I would mess up (mostly skipping school because I didn't have a paper to hand in because of procrastination or failing in a test) my brain just goes full depressed mode, where I just make myself feel worthless and overall suicidal. I would sit on the railings on my window or the rooftop on my apartment for hours on end thinking of ending it all. I know these reasons seem so small and I tell myself this over and over again thinking "other people in the world are going through so much worse and you cant even take something so small and meaningless" yet I just cant stop myself thing this way. My procrastination and anxiety on how the teachers and friends in my small international school might view me doesn't help when I cant get things done. The only reasons I could not bring myself to end it all was the thought of my family and friends reacting to my death and the sheer shock and pain I would inflict and the fact that I may go to hell for ending my life so early. (this sounds a little nuts but I really do love my family and friends). No one knows about this side of me except of my big brother which is currently in Australia.
(This part may sound narcissistic)
Everyone else knows me as the kind always smiling, cheeky guy that I always am when not wanting to end myself. I have the best parents any child could have wished for and no, the school I go to isn't prestigious at all. When playing with my friends or sometimes talking to my parents, I sometimes think that I couldn't be happier without these people around me and that I am extremely thankful for them being in my life.
I know this whole post is a big mess that doesn't have a clear direction. It's just that whenever I go depressed mode I just go through the whole thought process again and again. I dont know whats wrong with me. Am I just a coward? I dont think im depressed because im not like this all the time. 95% of the time (when I dont have a deadline the very next day demanding papers) I think im the happiest man alive but if I mess up I just want to shoot myself. I am in need of someone just telling me what I am and why I think this way. Am I over reacting? Does everyone feel like this but just handles it better? Growing up has progressively gotten my "depressed side" to get worse, once even getting myself to jump down the stairs to get away from my writing class. Im scared that one day I might actually bring myself to kill myself.
I sound dumb and immature, I know but please help this dumb and immature teenager so I can get my stuff together.

When I was a teen I remember being forsaken by all those people I called my friends. I was 17. It was really very hard for me. For weeks I remembered sitting on the fire escape at the back of my school eating lunch alone and going there anytime i had free moment and just talking to God. I just spoke to Him and told Him everything. I believe He helped me back then although i didn't hear Him. He strengthened me to cope with that type of rejection. After that I sort of became a loner. But this post is not about me it's about you. My best suggestion is talk to Him. He's listening and will help u.

Before that I also tried commiting suicide at 14. Took a bunch of expired sleeping pills. Made my family worry. I remembered getting on the phone and calling a friend to tell her goodbye. Unknown to me, her mum got in the car with her while talking to me and came to my house and took me to the hospital. It was the most hurtful time in my past I realise suicide is not the way out. I got therapy from the hospital and i felt foolish for what I did. I made my family worry and cry. You still have so much more life to experience. I believe God has a mysterious way of dealing with us...when the worse times hit in our lives there is always an insertion...BUT GOD.
Jeremiah 29:11

 

[SANTOSO]

This is my first time posting my thoughts online because I feel like I am in the need for someone's help.

This post may just sound like a edgy teenager unable to process his emotions but please hear me out. I've been having suicidal thoughts ever since I was 13 (I am now 18). Whenever I would mess up (mostly skipping school because I didn't have a paper to hand in because of procrastination or failing in a test) my brain just goes full depressed mode, where I just make myself feel worthless and overall suicidal. I would sit on the railings on my window or the rooftop on my apartment for hours on end thinking of ending it all. I know these reasons seem so small and I tell myself this over and over again thinking "other people in the world are going through so much worse and you cant even take something so small and meaningless" yet I just cant stop myself thing this way. My procrastination and anxiety on how the teachers and friends in my small international school might view me doesn't help when I cant get things done. The only reasons I could not bring myself to end it all was the thought of my family and friends reacting to my death and the sheer shock and pain I would inflict and the fact that I may go to hell for ending my life so early. (this sounds a little nuts but I really do love my family and friends). No one knows about this side of me except of my big brother which is currently in Australia.
(This part may sound narcissistic)
Everyone else knows me as the kind always smiling, cheeky guy that I always am when not wanting to end myself. I have the best parents any child could have wished for and no, the school I go to isn't prestigious at all. When playing with my friends or sometimes talking to my parents, I sometimes think that I couldn't be happier without these people around me and that I am extremely thankful for them being in my life.
I know this whole post is a big mess that doesn't have a clear direction. It's just that whenever I go depressed mode I just go through the whole thought process again and again. I dont know whats wrong with me. Am I just a coward? I dont think im depressed because im not like this all the time. 95% of the time (when I dont have a deadline the very next day demanding papers) I think im the happiest man alive but if I mess up I just want to shoot myself. I am in need of someone just telling me what I am and why I think this way. Am I over reacting? Does everyone feel like this but just handles it better? Growing up has progressively gotten my "depressed side" to get worse, once even getting myself to jump down the stairs to get away from my writing class. Im scared that one day I might actually bring myself to kill myself.
I sound dumb and immature, I know but please help this dumb and immature teenager so I can get my stuff together.

You forget to wear your helmet of salvation.
If you have worn this helmet of salvation, you won’t find yourself depressed and having suicidal thoughts. Instead, you know how blessed you are and desire to live a life worthy of the Lord.

 

[Zion Princess]

This is my first time posting my thoughts online because I feel like I am in the need for someone's help.

This post may just sound like a edgy teenager unable to process his emotions but please hear me out. I've been having suicidal thoughts ever since I was 13 (I am now 18). Whenever I would mess up (mostly skipping school because I didn't have a paper to hand in because of procrastination or failing in a test) my brain just goes full depressed mode, where I just make myself feel worthless and overall suicidal. I would sit on the railings on my window or the rooftop on my apartment for hours on end thinking of ending it all. I know these reasons seem so small and I tell myself this over and over again thinking "other people in the world are going through so much worse and you cant even take something so small and meaningless" yet I just cant stop myself thing this way. My procrastination and anxiety on how the teachers and friends in my small international school might view me doesn't help when I cant get things done. The only reasons I could not bring myself to end it all was the thought of my family and friends reacting to my death and the sheer shock and pain I would inflict and the fact that I may go to hell for ending my life so early. (this sounds a little nuts but I really do love my family and friends). No one knows about this side of me except of my big brother which is currently in Australia.
(This part may sound narcissistic)
Everyone else knows me as the kind always smiling, cheeky guy that I always am when not wanting to end myself. I have the best parents any child could have wished for and no, the school I go to isn't prestigious at all. When playing with my friends or sometimes talking to my parents, I sometimes think that I couldn't be happier without these people around me and that I am extremely thankful for them being in my life.
I know this whole post is a big mess that doesn't have a clear direction. It's just that whenever I go depressed mode I just go through the whole thought process again and again. I dont know whats wrong with me. Am I just a coward? I dont think im depressed because im not like this all the time. 95% of the time (when I dont have a deadline the very next day demanding papers) I think im the happiest man alive but if I mess up I just want to shoot myself. I am in need of someone just telling me what I am and why I think this way. Am I over reacting? Does everyone feel like this but just handles it better? Growing up has progressively gotten my "depressed side" to get worse, once even getting myself to jump down the stairs to get away from my writing class. Im scared that one day I might actually bring myself to kill myself.
I sound dumb and immature, I know but please help this dumb and immature teenager so I can get my stuff together.

I remember being a teenager with anxiety and depression. It was a very scary and confusing time. I felt very alone. Other people my age seemed so together and at ease. It’s important to understand it sounds like there is some brain chemistry issues going on and it is nothing you can control. It is something that will most likely need to be medicated. I have never been fully healed but am still medicated to this day. It is a condition that can be managed much like being human itself. Don’t ever let anyone shame you for your fluctuating moods. Others have flaws just as “problematic“, if not worse. Some they can even control. Trust in God from beginning to end. God answers prayers. It’s just a matter of time.