I Am Going To Dump Her !!!!!!

[mrhappy3]

Ah, folks, only used that title to get your attention.

The story is this.

Been married 17 years, got 3 kids 16 14 and 10

I am separated. been so for almost 5 years - but PROPERLY for the past 15 months. Always had a great relationship with kids but only seen them ONCE in the last year or so.

Wife got the sulks after the home was repossessed/foreclosed.

I lost my job and things escalated.

She is a great mum - not so great wife or home keeper. (not scoring points - just my opinion, same thing happened to my old dad, we love our mum though !)

We both love the Lord, but the chances of me returning to the NEW home which has her name on it are slim, very slim.

DO I STAY AS I AM AND SEE MY TIME OUT ON THIS EARTH AS A SINGLE, or CAN I START AGAIN ONE DAY.

I have friends who have differing opinions on this.

Is DIVORCE my only option now ??? She is not interested in COUNSELLING etc.

I know deep down she still loves me, but her STUBBORN, DEFENSIVE WAYS make it impossible to reconcile as a family unit.

thanks

Jim

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Go to counseling on your own, for yourself and to help get closure in your marriage. At this point, I'd say you're not ready for divorce, even if that is the ultimate destination you're headed to. You're not in a space where a divorce would be productive for you.

 

[mrhappy3]

Go to counseling on your own, for yourself and to help get closure in your marriage. At this point, I'd say you're not ready for divorce, even if that is the ultimate destination you're headed to. You're not in a space where a divorce would be productive for you.

Call me thick, but can you explain what you said in a little more detail.

thanks

 

[MorkandMindy]

I'm a bit out of date, but last I knew in England it was certainly to the mother's advantage if the husband is a low earner, to divorce.

She is then as a single mother able to get housing association housing, and maximum family tax credit and maximum working tax credit in addition to whatever she can get off you.


An interesting twist on this would be that I think the ex husband can then live with the ex wife in the low cost housing.

But the other benefits are assessed on a housing unit basis so they are reduced when more people live under the same roof. The overall aim may be to either fragment society or more likely to keep housing prices up by using up more houses.

The really good news is it appears you don't have to worry about the children as you say she is a great mother, that really is good news.

 

[mrhappy3]

I'm a bit out of date, but last I knew in England it was certainly to the mother's advantage if the husband is a low earner, to divorce.

She is then as a single mother able to get housing association housing, and maximum family tax credit and maximum working tax credit in addition to whatever she can get off you.


An interesting twist on this would be that I think the ex husband can then live with the ex wife in the low cost housing.

But the other benefits are assessed on a housing unit basis so they are reduced when more people live under the same roof. The overall aim may be to either fragment society or more likely to keep housing prices up by using up more houses.

The really good news is it appears you don't have to worry about the children as you say she is a great mother, that really is good news.

Talk about hit the nail on the head, my word.

You have it sussed, and this is why the women don't really have to try that hard in reality, A LOT OF TRUTH THERE.

Many Thanks

MR H

PS: my many years of paying for the mortgage, bills, trips out, gadgets, holidays etc counted for very little in the end.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Call me thick, but can you explain what you said in a little more detail.

thanks

Well, your whole post is an attack on your ex. You address her in a manner that's less-than-respectful, I'd even say confrontational. For example, you said your wife came down with "the sulks" after your house was repossessed and you lost your job. I think any person has a right to come down with a case of the "sulks" if your joint financial situation was so bad you lost your home, especially if it was followed up with job loss. That's a really nasty and demeaning way to disregard a completely rational, understandable, even justifiable emotion after such a devastating event. Anybody would be depressed after that, and I have to admit, if my feelings were written off in such a demeaning way, I'd be more than a little put off.

As a result, I see two things... Number one, you have unresolved feelings about the marriage or your spouse as you're not able to express yourself in a way that's without emotion residing at an extreme. Divorce, in that situation, isn't closure to a chapter, it's another weapon. Since you have kids, that can't be how a divorce carries out... No problems will be resolved, you'll just be where you are now, just divorced. Number two, because you've accepted no accountability for yourself and your behavior within the marriage, but share in a highly disrespectful manner all that your wife has done wrong, I take that to mean that you've not even begun to examine who you are and what you did to help get the marriage to it's current state, so you're either going to make the same mistakes all over again, or your simply just going to live with unresolved feelings of resentment, maybe even hate. Who wants to live that way?

You need to get to counseling, by yourself, and get yourself into a headspace where you can calmly and rationally make a decision that doesn't contain explanations about how you got there because your ex was bad at being your wife.

You have it sussed, and this is why the women don't really have to try that hard in reality, A LOT OF TRUTH THERE.

You need counseling. Like yesterday.

Your estranged wife managed to secure a home, provide care for your mutual kids almost entirely on her own (by your admission, you saw them once in a year), and support herself despite the fact that her credit was most likely devastated by your foreclosure. That doesn't sound like a woman who had it easy, that sounds like a woman who worked her butt off to rebuild her life in the light of a separation, foreclosure, and a father who's not really around physically for the kids (I hope you at least pay child support).

Are there some people who sit around and collect social and public assistance because it's easier then working, but it's certainly not just women. Plenty of men do it too. To say that a woman doesn't have to work for much is, well, pretty stupid.

PS: my many years of paying for the mortgage, bills, trips out, gadgets, holidays etc counted for very little in the end.

What is it supposed to count for? These things help build a life, they don't buy you a wife for life. Marriage is more than a vacation and great cell phone. And, to be honest, if I were to apply the same harsh microscope to you that you did to your estranged wife, I could say that if your home was foreclosed on after your "years of paying the mortgage and bills" then you may have overrated the significance of your contribution.

 

[mrhappy3]

I have to say, you bring up some valid points. But on my part there is no resentment or anger whatsoever. You obviously are not aware of the full in and outs, so some of your comments are based on speculation at best. There are thousands of people who lose their homes and jobs. What I will say is that unless TWO people are working its virtually impossible to maintain, and to write off any previous effort to keep it afloat sums up the SING WHEN WE ARE WINNING attitude of a lot people (men and women included, depending on who AINT the main breadwinner). Nothing lasts forever, except the grace of God, so if we want to maintain the nice things in life, we have to contribute - and in this day and age - financially as well.

Thanks for your assessment in any case. The best thing you said , was "wrote off her feelings" etc. That made sense and I could have done better there for sure.

 

[MorkandMindy]

I was puzzled by your comment that you have a good relationship with your children but saw them just once in the last year or so.

Colchester has a fab playground next to the Castle, and the year family ticket to the zoo is very good value, or was back when I went. And I took the children shopping before Christmas in London under the beautiful lights of Oxford Street and Regents Street which I guess are on by now.

My three children had bought virtually nothing before Christmas and had half a dozen presents each to get so they bought like crazy and I carried the big mountain of stuff. Fortunately I had a car parking space near where that shopping expedition happened so I shuttled back and forth three times and then we had something to eat before I returned them. Equally fortunately their mom is even better at wrapping presents than she is bad at going out shopping.

 

[LinkH]

I would not remarry. I'd hold out for reconciliation and push for it, meeting with her every chance I could.

How intensely do you pray for her and for reconciliation. Prayer is not just something you do when nothing else is left. You can really hammer through some serious problems. Of course, it's not you. Your just asking for help. If she really loves the Lord, and she's got a pride problem, you can ask the Lord to take care of that for you. You can ask him to work on you, too, to make you a better husband.

 

[If Not For Grace]

The man has been Separated for 5 years....Do tell how long would you HOLD OUT for LinkH?

MrHappy; You may begin again whenever you are ready. But if there is no reconcillation to be had/desired get a divorce first. Then you are single again and you may re-marry. Is divorce the way God planned for marriage to end. No. I doubt it is the way you planned either. Even Adam and Eve did not do marriage as planned..but that's another story.

King David asked God to make him a new heart (boy that David KNEW how to repent ). Perhaps you could do the same. God loves new beginnings. He gives murderers, thieves and anyone who asks a 2nd chance.

BF ya'll start YEAH YEAH I know-thou shalt not...ok..I get that, Well God also said
Thou Shalt Not Kill-yet who protected Cain (for killing is brother in a jealous act) and gave him a new start, when the penality SHOULD have been an eye for an eye. GOD did.

All the rules are for protection, ours or someone elses-Get the big picture--the Vows most of us take are not in scripture folks...That "for better or worse" verse is NOT in the Bible--and if it should have been...it would have been..

I am not making light of marriage by any means..but divorce is not something that should be easy..After 5 yrs I doubt it has been and I still say IF there's a chance of salvaging the marriage by all means do so-but If I could not salvage it after 5 yrs-I would move on and live that more abundant life God has planned-He does plan that too you know..

You get to make mistakes, repent and move on-don't make the same mistake twice-This time look bk at any mistakes you made (choosing a better suited partner?) and do not make the same mistakes again (are you NOW financially stable?). Do you have love to give another person? Do a moral inventory and fix what can be fixed. You will not be doomed to hell nor will she.. JMHO

 

[mrhappy3]

I would not remarry. I'd hold out for reconciliation and push for it, meeting with her every chance I could.

How intensely do you pray for her and for reconciliation. Prayer is not just something you do when nothing else is left. You can really hammer through some serious problems. Of course, it's not you. Your just asking for help. If she really loves the Lord, and she's got a pride problem, you can ask the Lord to take care of that for you. You can ask him to work on you, too, to make you a better husband.

I make you right, but the problem is, on my part, the desire is simply not there. maybe I feel worn out with it all. All I know is that since I have come out of that dark cloud within that home - I have joy unspeakable and peace again and feel God's presence again - so work that one out. :o

 

[mrhappy3]

The man has been Separated for 5 years....Do tell how long would you HOLD OUT for LinkH?

MrHappy; You may begin again whenever you are ready. But if there is no reconcillation to be had/desired get a divorce first. Then you are single again and you may re-marry. Is divorce the way God planned for marriage to end. No. I doubt it is the way you planned either. Even Adam and Eve did not do marriage as planned..but that's another story.

King David asked God to make him a new heart (boy that David KNEW how to repent ). Perhaps you could do the same. God loves new beginnings. He gives murderers, thieves and anyone who asks a 2nd chance.

BF ya'll start YEAH YEAH I know-thou shalt not...ok..I get that, Well God also said
Thou Shalt Not Kill-yet who protected Cain (for killing is brother in a jealous act) and gave him a new start, when the penality SHOULD have been an eye for an eye. GOD did.

All the rules are for protection, ours or someone elses-Get the big picture--the Vows most of us take are not in scripture folks...That "for better or worse" verse is NOT in the Bible--and if it should have been...it would have been..

I am not making light of marriage by any means..but divorce is not something that should be easy..After 5 yrs I doubt it has been and I still say IF there's a chance of salvaging the marriage by all means do so-but If I could not salvage it after 5 yrs-I would move on and live that more abundant life God has planned-He does plan that too you know..

You get to make mistakes, repent and move on-don't make the same mistake twice-This time look bk at any mistakes you made (choosing a better suited partner?) and do not make the same mistakes again (are you NOW financially stable?). Do you have love to give another person? Do a moral inventory and fix what can be fixed. You will not be doomed to hell nor will she.. JMHO

Ah Sister, you bring tears to my eyes. One thing I have never done is lie to myself or play the hypocrite, I have to tell it how it is. Deep down, I know we dont match up. Been that way for a while and its sad. What makes it doubly hard is that I prayed and fasted for 6 days before the Lord told me - yes- marry. So did I miss it. I don;t think so, I have 3 beautiful kids. My wife has some deep seated issues from the past, that no one has been able to breach. IF she is happy with the way things are, I would hope she would release me. I have met someone else and don't want to mess up AGAIN. I have done so once already, so yes, I committed adultery. Thanks again x

 

[drjean]

Hmmmm I also suggest you seek counseling by yourself for this, if she won't go with you.

Divorce doesn't give you rights to remarry someone else, imo. You are still married in God's eyes.

I have been surprised over and over again by God's answering prayer and kindness in situations like these. Is your wife seeing someone else? I would suggest you try to make a date with her... and if she goes, don't discuss anything negative.... treat it like a date with a new person and begin again.

 

[mrhappy3]

Hmmmm I also suggest you seek counseling by yourself for this, if she won't go with you.

Divorce doesn't give you rights to remarry someone else, imo. You are still married in God's eyes.

I have been surprised over and over again by God's answering prayer and kindness in situations like these. Is your wife seeing someone else? I would suggest you try to make a date with her... and if she goes, don't discuss anything negative.... treat it like a date with a new person and begin again.

I respects your views, You wouldn't believe how I have tried to make that happen. She is not seeing no one else and wouldn't do, she is not like that. The only issue is, she has a VERY negative mind set. Its like whatever is said is twisted the wrong way. Even when we did manage to see a Pastor, he even said it was "bonkers" - an odd word ! Such a shame, as deep down she is as loyal and devoted as they come. But the barriers have been up far too long. Bless you x.

PS: I will pre Christmas, have another attempt.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

BF ya'll start YEAH YEAH I know-thou shalt not...ok..I get that, Well God also said
Thou Shalt Not Kill-yet who protected Cain (for killing is brother in a jealous act) and gave him a new start, when the penality SHOULD have been an eye for an eye. GOD did.

I'm sorry if I've got you wrong here, but are you essentially saying "Go ahead and sin, because God will forgive you anyway"?

myhappy3, I'm sorry for your situation. My only advice would be that you spend time in God's Word and prayer, to see what He says about what you should do. We only know a tiny part of the story, and have no where near the same wisdom as God

 

[mrhappy3]

I'm sorry if I've got you wrong here, but are you essentially saying "Go ahead and sin, because God will forgive you anyway"?

myhappy3, I'm sorry for your situation. My only advice would be that you spend time in God's Word and prayer, to see what He says about what you should do. We only know a tiny part of the story, and have no where near the same wisdom as God

I will, I appreciate that.

There are so many views on this, but if I did receive a green light in my spirit to proceed with divorce, some would say your "Go ahead and sin, because God will forgive you anyway"? scenario would be what was happening.

Thousands of Christians do it, and their 2nd marriages are highly successful.

Its not the unforgivable sin. And on a par with other sins, as Unforgiveness, bitterness, lack of mercy and many others.......(not to downplay it of course).

Thanks again.

 

[mrhappy3]

update

 

[mrhappy3]

Not displaying my dirty washing !

just sharing with friends (you lot)

I would have liked to say things have turned around, and we can all praise the Lord together. BUT..........

My family have been re housed in an even bigger property than we had before I got repossessed in July 2011. So we are over 18 months on from that time. Sadly my wife has chosen to dig her heels in, even more so it appears. Can't seem to get her to sit down, and reason and go over things at length or in detail. TOTAL RESISTANCE. Resentment, UN-forgiveness, bitterness (which she said she had every right to feel and still does). It has made her ill in reality and she can't seem to see the connection. what to do ????

Well, my relationship with the kids is better, they attended my sisters Christmas party which my wife refused to come to. My sister spoke with her about moving on, and cleaning the slate (she is not a Christian) but all she got was NEGATIVITY...I picked up, from my sister that she was thinking if this is how Christians behave then whats the difference - FAIR POINT.

I have done my best to keep in the Spirit, not given any more reasons to give my wife further ammunition - and this has probably got her madder.

Facts are, THOUSANDS get repossessed. It happens, due to job loss (as in my case) and other reasons.

Now, I can sit it out with the best of them, but for how long ?

To be frank, I have met someone else, on a purely platonic level, who I am fond of.

I don't believe the Lord favors divorce from my studies, but its not the unforgivable sin.

I have been separated now for two years. 5 years in total on and off, whilst working away.

IS THIS RELATIONSHIP DEAD ?

Getting the feeling it is.......One thing I know, the Lord has made me stronger and been showing up far more than he ever has whilst I was under the 'dark cloud' at home. Makes you wonder.

Thanks for listening.

 

[4Bear]

This

I have done my best to keep in the Spirit, not given any more reasons to give my wife further ammunition - and this has probably got her madder.

and this

To be frank, I have met someone else, on a purely platonic level, who I am fond of.

are contradictory and your wife's BS detector is functioning as designed

 

[4Bear]

A

I am separated. been so for almost 5 years - but PROPERLY for the past 15 months. Always had a great relationship with kids but only seen them ONCE in the last year or so.

5 years???

Read some of your other posts. Are you one of these ministers that is off most of the time on trips?

Saving the world and neglecting your family?

So you wife got tired of it and it became "official" and you have only seen your kids once in the last year or so?

You want to know how I feel about people like Todd Bentley who dump wife and children for a bimbo they found on the side? Or even Graham Cooke who seems to have gone about dumping his depressed wife without the adultery?

I feel that they are not qualified for ministry anymore. If you have only seen your children once in the past year, I feel you are not qualified for ministry anymore (unless they are all adults out on their own)

I like how Peterson translates this in The Message 1 Tim 2:3-17 (my bolding):

1-7 If anyone wants to provide leadership in the church, good! But there are preconditions: A leader must be well-thought-of, committed to his wife, cool and collected, accessible, and hospitable. He must know what he’s talking about, not be overfond of wine, not pushy but gentle, not thin-skinned, not money-hungry. He must handle his own affairs well, attentive to his own children and having their respect. For if someone is unable to handle his own affairs, how can he take care of God’s church? He must not be a new believer, lest the position go to his head and the Devil trip him up. Outsiders must think well of him, or else the Devil will figure out a way to lure him into his trap.

8-13 The same goes for those who want to be servants in the church: serious, not deceitful, not too free with the bottle, not in it for what they can get out of it. They must be reverent before the mystery of the faith, not using their position to try to run things. Let them prove themselves first. If they show they can do it, take them on. No exceptions are to be made for women—same qualifications: serious, dependable, not sharp-tongued, not overfond of wine. Servants in the church are to be committed to their spouses, attentive to their own children, and diligent in looking after their own affairs. Those who do this servant work will come to be highly respected, a real credit to this Jesus-faith.​