- Apr 28, 2005
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Hello, my name is Lori, I am 28 years old and I have been married for over 5 years. Let me say that it is very hard for me to open up to this subject. I am the kind of person who people can trust but have found few people in my life time who are trustworthy, which has made me very skeptical of going to almost anyone other than God with my burdons. I also believe that many people unless they have had supernatural experiences with God and believe in the gifts of the Spirit and also know His voice, will not beable to understand me. That being said....
The story starts out me as a 17 year old young woman, married to the wrong man. I believed he was a believer, and had known God all my life, was saved, but later that year and into my early 18th year I got to know the Lord in a more intimate way. I was "spirit filled" and many things in my life, heart and mind changed almost over night. God really just washed me clean in so many ways and made me whole. As soon as my ex and I started to have sex my periods stoped. I was not able to get pregnant though we used no protection. I kept this in my heart of hearts and kept taking it to God in prayer, but He was always silent about it. Over a year after we were married we had just started going to a new church due to a location change. Our pastor at the church told us that a guest speaker was coming who had the gift of prophecy, though he had never met him but a good friend of his , another pastor reccomended him. I dont remember what the sermon was, I remember it was good. At the end of the sermon Emanuel (the guest speaker) told the church if anyone wanted to hear from God to come to the front for prayer. Well most of the church went foward, I ended up at the very front and my ex had come up with me but was not able to stand right next to me, he was 2 or so people behind me off the the side. I stood there in prayer tears streaming down my face, Father why cant I have a baby, this is the only thing You havent answered me on. Finally Emanuel got down to me and told me to raise my hands to God, and I did , he closed his eyes and started to pray and worship God, than suddenly he took off into the crowd... I was let down, I thought okay I guess he isnt going to pray for me. To my great surprise he had brought my ex up next to me, he had never met or saw either of us before and no one in that church at the time new about this issue in my heart. Emanuel looked back to me and said, "dont worry, a baby is on the way". I was so relieved, I cant explain. He turned back to my ex and said, you're not ready. Well it was long after that that I found out who my ex really was, after I found out he was sexually abusive towards me ( I know you might wonder how that is possible in marriage ) and he admitted he had been lying about being a believer ( I had already had that idea because he didnt seem to be growing at all - no fruit ) I also found out he was not only addicted to porn but also selling it on the interent, having an affair etc. Well I stayed in the marriage for about 2 years after this and it continued over and over with broken promises and more lies every month of the marriage. So I felt like God was protecting me from having a child with him. I still believe so. I also had more supernatural things happen to encourage me after Emanuel came to my church, with in a month 5 different people who didnt know I was trying to have a baby all asked me if I was pregnant, 2 said they saw me having a little girl. I have held these things close and dear to my heart for so many years now. I have been to doctors and they couldnt find anything through out all of those years. Well I married another man, a wonderful (not perfect but wonderful) man , faithful and born again over 5 years ago. Yet another thing amazing occured , after we had been married for a short time my periods started back up again. Wow, I thought okay, praise You God! Now 5 years later I am still not pregnant. I have wanted to do foster care for many years (not because I havent been able to have a baby, just because I have a heart for hurting kids) but my Husband would not agree to it... Well about six months ago he agree'd, and he said wow Lori I thought okay great here she goes again about this subject, but suddenly I felt different and I want to do it now! Answered prayer! I still greatly want to get pregnant and have been praying about it again a lot latley, I felt that the Lord told me that if Luke (my Husband) and I would have had a baby sooner, he would not have agree'd to do foster care (which is something I know God has called me to). So that encouraged me more, that maybe soon after we start foster care I will get pregnant. Today I had a pap, and the doctor thinks I have Uterine Fibroids ****** ) and I have more tests next week to find out. I have had the same tests before in the past and never had anything like that, so if it is preventing me from getting pregnant it would have only had to be so recently. This is really breaking my heart, I feel like okay Father how long do I have to wait? Even though He has encouraged me so much , I still feel like what is wrong with me? What have I done wrong? I feel almost lead on and as if His promises to me are broken or I did something to cause them not to be able to be fulfilled. Its like I have all this encouragement yet I am so discouraged, I mean its been over 10 years since this journey has began. I feel guilty for doubting my God on top of all of it.
Well I better wrap this up before I go on too much more.
The story starts out me as a 17 year old young woman, married to the wrong man. I believed he was a believer, and had known God all my life, was saved, but later that year and into my early 18th year I got to know the Lord in a more intimate way. I was "spirit filled" and many things in my life, heart and mind changed almost over night. God really just washed me clean in so many ways and made me whole. As soon as my ex and I started to have sex my periods stoped. I was not able to get pregnant though we used no protection. I kept this in my heart of hearts and kept taking it to God in prayer, but He was always silent about it. Over a year after we were married we had just started going to a new church due to a location change. Our pastor at the church told us that a guest speaker was coming who had the gift of prophecy, though he had never met him but a good friend of his , another pastor reccomended him. I dont remember what the sermon was, I remember it was good. At the end of the sermon Emanuel (the guest speaker) told the church if anyone wanted to hear from God to come to the front for prayer. Well most of the church went foward, I ended up at the very front and my ex had come up with me but was not able to stand right next to me, he was 2 or so people behind me off the the side. I stood there in prayer tears streaming down my face, Father why cant I have a baby, this is the only thing You havent answered me on. Finally Emanuel got down to me and told me to raise my hands to God, and I did , he closed his eyes and started to pray and worship God, than suddenly he took off into the crowd... I was let down, I thought okay I guess he isnt going to pray for me. To my great surprise he had brought my ex up next to me, he had never met or saw either of us before and no one in that church at the time new about this issue in my heart. Emanuel looked back to me and said, "dont worry, a baby is on the way". I was so relieved, I cant explain. He turned back to my ex and said, you're not ready. Well it was long after that that I found out who my ex really was, after I found out he was sexually abusive towards me ( I know you might wonder how that is possible in marriage ) and he admitted he had been lying about being a believer ( I had already had that idea because he didnt seem to be growing at all - no fruit ) I also found out he was not only addicted to porn but also selling it on the interent, having an affair etc. Well I stayed in the marriage for about 2 years after this and it continued over and over with broken promises and more lies every month of the marriage. So I felt like God was protecting me from having a child with him. I still believe so. I also had more supernatural things happen to encourage me after Emanuel came to my church, with in a month 5 different people who didnt know I was trying to have a baby all asked me if I was pregnant, 2 said they saw me having a little girl. I have held these things close and dear to my heart for so many years now. I have been to doctors and they couldnt find anything through out all of those years. Well I married another man, a wonderful (not perfect but wonderful) man , faithful and born again over 5 years ago. Yet another thing amazing occured , after we had been married for a short time my periods started back up again. Wow, I thought okay, praise You God! Now 5 years later I am still not pregnant. I have wanted to do foster care for many years (not because I havent been able to have a baby, just because I have a heart for hurting kids) but my Husband would not agree to it... Well about six months ago he agree'd, and he said wow Lori I thought okay great here she goes again about this subject, but suddenly I felt different and I want to do it now! Answered prayer! I still greatly want to get pregnant and have been praying about it again a lot latley, I felt that the Lord told me that if Luke (my Husband) and I would have had a baby sooner, he would not have agree'd to do foster care (which is something I know God has called me to). So that encouraged me more, that maybe soon after we start foster care I will get pregnant. Today I had a pap, and the doctor thinks I have Uterine Fibroids ****** ) and I have more tests next week to find out. I have had the same tests before in the past and never had anything like that, so if it is preventing me from getting pregnant it would have only had to be so recently. This is really breaking my heart, I feel like okay Father how long do I have to wait? Even though He has encouraged me so much , I still feel like what is wrong with me? What have I done wrong? I feel almost lead on and as if His promises to me are broken or I did something to cause them not to be able to be fulfilled. Its like I have all this encouragement yet I am so discouraged, I mean its been over 10 years since this journey has began. I feel guilty for doubting my God on top of all of it.
Well I better wrap this up before I go on too much more.