I Am Devastated!!!!!

[idacell6]

First let me start off by saying I am a Christian man who is deeply ashamed of divorce. I just wanted to get that out there at the beginning.

Here is my story:

I met my wife at church. When I first met her, I learned that she had a child when she was 16, and she gave her daughter up for adoption. At that time in my life God was convicting me about living a legalistic life. I had the choice to hold her past against her, or accept that she was a new creation in Christ, and not be "holier than thou". I put her past aside, and we started dating. 2 years later we said our vows before God, and we got married. In the next 5 years I caught her lying, stealing, cheating, you name it. At the 5 year mark when I discovered the substantial amount of debt that she acquired on hidden credit cards, I confronted her about it. At that point, she gave up. She told me that she wanted a divorce. I did EVERYTHING in my power to save the marriage, but she would not have it.

She returned to an ExLover of hers, one whom she had constant contact with throughout our entire marriage.

I cannot begin to tell you how devastated I was, being a "Christian" man, going through a divorce. Even though I had Biblical grounds to divorce her, I fought to keep our marriage alive. But, I had no control over her actions or her decision to divorce me.

About that time, I met my current wife, whom I will call #2. I told #2 that I desperately wanted to please God, and desperately wanted to restore my marriage. I told her that I just needed a friend at that time. After the divorce with #1, #2 and I started dating. #2 assured me that she was not going anywhere, ever! #2 pursued me for so long! She told me that she had also been divorced, and she knew a great guy when she saw one. #2 loved me, and my family (father and sister...I have no children).

I really struggled with the issue of whether or not to ever get married again. I played it safe, and I waited. For many years. All the while #2 stuck by me. She showed me love and devotion that I had never known before. #2 had a daughter during her first marriage. Her daughter absolutely HATES anyone that her mother is with, and #2s daughter is very UNGODLY!

About 3 years into our relationship, #2 told me AGAIN, Im not going anywhere. I will never leave you, no matter what struggles we will face. We will have hard times, but I will work through them with you no matter what. Im not going to cheat on you the way your 1st wife did. I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. And, if I have to be your girlfriend for the rest of my life Im fine with that. IM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!

What can you say to that? She showed the fruits of the Spirit. She confessed with her mouth that Jesus is Lord, and she lived it. Still I waited another year, before I finally asked her to marry me. This was after 4 years of praying, fasting, Christian counseling, and LOOKING FOR A REASON NOT TO MARRY HER. But I could not find a reason.

So, we got married 4.5 years ago. My vows to her included this: "I will fail you, I will disappoint you, I will let you down, but love is a decision and I have decided to love you every day. Even when I dont feel like it."

Her vows to me were similar. Well, #2 and her daughter got into a HUGE argument about 1 year into our marriage. We found out that #2s daughter forged a $10,000 loan in my wifes name. We started to fight the loan, but a year later #2 decided to pay the loan, regardless of what we decided as a married couple. #2 gave into her daughter. Over the next 3.5 years we helped her daughter out with MANY financial issues, including recently loaning her thousands more, in addition to still paying for the initial forged loan.

Over the past 2 years I caught #2 in several lies, about other men. All exLovers of hers. I started seeing the same pattern as with #1. #2 started hiding things from me, like facebook messages, emails, text messages, passwords, etc. #2 got angry that I tried to set boundaries, and she says I have an insecurity issues (DUH!!!! Hello, you know what I went through with my first wife, and now youve started to do the same things...).

Also, recently #2s daughter just had a baby. So now #2 is a grandma, and I have not even been a father (since I refused to live in sin before marriage....now my reward is that I have no loving lifetime relationships with children or grandchildren). 2 months after my step-granddaughter was born, #2 says "Im done. Im tired of your issues. I want a divorce".

#2 moved in with her daughter, son in law, and granddaughter. Also right after she left me, I caught #2 at an ExLovers house at 3am. SEVERAL TIMES. #2 is not interested in reconciliation. When she left, she immediately texted me and said "Im sorry, I will always love you, but I need to make myself happy".

Weve had very little contact since then, other than me confronting her about her CONSTANT texting and calling her ExLover (30 times a day), and being over at his house all night long. She claims (YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!) that she just needs a good friend right now, and thats all he is.

Here are my battles. I AM A CHRISTIAN MAN AND I AM GOING THROUGH MY 2ND DIVORCE. All before the age of 40. I feel absolutely devastated!!!!!!!!! I feel like any witness that I had for Christ is COMPLETELY GONE!!! How can I ever again speak up for Christ?

The woman who promised, then showed for YEARS, that God would always be her #1 priority and that divorce would NEVER be an option, is now divorcing me. I would never had asked her to marry me if she didnt have me convinced of these things.

I know that I did not choose either of my divorces, but I feel SO MUCH CONDEMNATION. I am so depressed; I truly wish I was never born. TRULY!!!!!

I have SO MUCH FEAR concerning my future. I feel so alone. If I ever get married again, it will HAVE TO BE to a Christian woman who does not believe in divorce, yet Ill be divorced TWICE!!!!!

How do I reconcile that??? What Godly woman would ever want to be with a man whos been divorced TWICE???

And, if I do get married again, down the road, whos to say I wont end up divorced a 3rd time? A 4th, 5th or 8th time by the age of 90 years old?

And, being a true Christian man, I cant have sex with someone that Im not married to. How do I live without sex??!!!!!!!

Now I have to choose between the lesser of 2 evils. Multiple divorces, or multiple indiscretions (fornications). God, PLEASE LEAD ME NOT INTO THIS TYPE OF TEMPTAION !!!!!!!

I feel so terrible, worthless, lonely, (and horny ....sorry its the truth) right now! PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. I pray for the restoration of my marriage everyday, but I just dont think its gonna happen. I know God can do miracles, but he wont force anyone to stay married. He did not perform a miracle with my mothers injury so many years ago (another LONG story), he didnt perform a miracle by restoring my 1st marriage, and it does not look like he is going to perform a miracle in this marriage.

I AM COMPLETELY BROKEN!!!!!!!!! Please pray for me.

Thank You

 

[bethrow]

I have no words. I'm speechless at what you have gone through. Yes, later on you may look back on two divorces, but were they your fault? NO! I believe there are thousands of men and women in just the position as you...feeling just as broken as you. Satan is having a hay day with marriages, mine included, and so many marriages are crumbling because Satan is destroying them.
Please understand that God never promised that we wouldn't go through misery, that we wouldn't be hurt, and that bad things would never happen to us, but I have to stand by his promise that he will never leave us nor forsake us.
It's hard to think that God loves us and is with us when we feel so broken and hurt, but these are the times when we need God the most. God can take bad situations and turns them into good...maybe not in our timing, but in his timing.
Sometimes it is so hard to understand the lives we have to live. I, myself, have been very angry at God for all that I've been through in my marriage, losing my parents, and close family members.
I doubt any of this is helping, but this is the time when you need to pull God as close as you can because I believe Satan has put doubts, worries, fears, and depression into your life and he is happy that you are feeling this way. It's easier said than done, but it truly is best to hold God as close as you can.
I pray that you can lean on the Lord for peace, comfort, guidance, and love. I pray that he convicts your wife for what she has done. She has not done herself any favors by doing this.
I'm sorry for your brokenness and lonliness. Praying for you today.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi idacell,
I'm so sorry you have had to feel that much pain and hurt.
Paul says there is no condemnation in Christ. Rom.8
I really think you have given marriage your best shot. So I'd say don't be so hard on your self. Jesus loves you as much now as he every did.
After all this settles down in a year or so, take some time to see if there is something in you that is attracting this type of woman. If one marries the same personality twice there is something to learn about ones self. But get thru this situation first, then see if you can understand this before your next relationships. Maybe this 2nd wife is different and it really was her daughter only. That isn't your problem and you gave way more than was required. I'd say don't give any more when number two comes asking for more money. Set your boundary. Now its time for tough love in that situation.

Really

 

[idacell6]

Thanks for the prayers and encouraging thoughts. And be assured, I am as close to God as he will allow me to be. I seek him everyday, and I pray for my wife everyday.

I know that I DO NOT have the "gift of singleness" that Paul talks about. But, do you really think any Christian woman could be interested in a twice divorced Christian man? I fear that I am in for a VERY LONG and LONELY life.

Also, since I had no children out of wedlock, I have no one to share my life with, live with, etc. Both of my wives have kids/grankids as a result of their sins. Now they are being rewarded, with life long loving relationships with their kids and grankids, as a result of their sins.

Do you really think any Christian or non-Christian would ever listen to my advice about Godly things, ever again after seeing what following God got me?

Thanks.

 

[Annessa3]

as long as you keep your faith, you will still be an excellent witness for Christ. Your loyalty to Christ is your crown. So, yes, people will still listen to you.

As for whether any Chrsitian woman would be interested in a twice divorced man, yes. There are many Christian women out here that have been wronged and have been divorced.

As for your libido, stay strong. God eveidently has something to teach you here about foregoing sex for a while. And, believe me, you should NOT be in any hurry. Take the time it will take to learn what you need to know before starting any more relationships. You are very vulnerable now.

God WILL answer the needs of your heart.

 

[Niffer]

I am so sorry for what you have been through, and based on what you've shared with us, it really seems like all of this came out of nowhere.

This had nothing to do with "following God" (at least not that I could see)...these were women who were obviously living for themselves, and as a Christian our lives aren't supposed to be easy.
But I know you know that...

Keep having faith and never regret sticking to your faith and not committing those sins that are so easy to fall into.
I pray you find peace, and I would also recommend maybe reading the book of Job, he was another good man who went through some horrible trials too.

Out of curiosity, what did #2 mean when she said she was "done with your issues"?? Do you know what she was referring to?

Peace,
~ Niffer

 

[idacell6]

“Out of curiosity, what did #2 mean when she said she was "done with your issues"?? Do you know what she was referring to?”



Yes. We have been having the same issues for a little over a year now..... My “insecurities”. Well, that's what she calls them. I call them “setting boundaries”. She cant stand that I found out that she was lying about an old “friend” contacting her, and how often they would talk on the phone/text/etc. I found out that while we were on dates together she would go to the bathroom and text/call him. The she lied when I asked her when the last time she had any contact with him. She said “a few weeks”. Well something told me to check our shared cell phone call log. You guessed it, she’d been talking to him that very same day, and every day before, for hours on end. Texting him at the same time that we were on dates together. Etc., Etc.


Before this I never checked up on her. I never had a reason to. But this is how my first wife started lying and hiding thing from me. So after this, I checked up on her, and she could not stand it. She continued to talk/meet/text with other “just friends” very often after this. And, I asked her about it, and she blew a gasket. “I AM NOT YOU EXWIFE (#1)”. And at that point she started hiding her friends on Facebook from me, changing her passwords, deleting text messages on her phone. Every time I asked to use her phone she made sure no text messages were showing, and that she was completely signed off of Facebok and email accounts before letting me use her phone. Then when I gave her phone back to her I watched her log back onto Facebook and then immediately log off before putting the phone down.

All of this made me suspicious, so I simply asked her about it, and each time she would BLOW UP!!!! Now mind you, I simply ASKED. I did not accuse, I asked. But she sees the Godly boundaries that I tried to set as my “insecurities”.

Another issue I had was with her daughter. Her daughter is her 1st priority in life. Now mind you her daughter is a grown woman. 26 years old with a family of her own. But, when I reminded my wife of the issues we AGREED as a married couple to stick by regarding her daughter, she turned around and said “your problems with her are not my problems….deal with it.” I have always told my wife, that as her husbaned, her problems, whatever they are, are also MY PROBLEMS. But my problems with her daughter (again setting Godly boundaries that we BOTH AGREED ON), have suddenly become only MY problems. My issued with her daughter have to do with the abuse that her daughter puts my wife through. My wife, not me, my wife.

I also have moderate depression, which my wife knew about long before we started dating, but I think that has very little to do with our trouble now, although it is PART of the equation.

Here’s what several friends/family members have told me, once they were SHOCKED with my wife’s decision to abandon me and seek a divorce.

We work at the same place, and we used to have the same schedule, but that just changed early this year, right before her granddaughter was born. So now we are on completely different schedules and our time together has been cut in a forth or a fifth, 80% of her free time is spent at her daughters house and with the granddaughter. So, she just got a new schedule where she dosent see me that often, during her free time most of it she chooses to spend with her daughter, she just had a grandbaby and that is a very emotional thing for her, she’s at the age of menopause….so many people think she cut and ran because she is probably going through menopause.

Now, I never see my wife at work anymore. Not ever.

Since I first met her 8 years ago, until about 16 month ago, one of her strongest convictions was “divorce will never be an option and divorce will not even be in our vocabulary”.

God was also the #1 priority in her life. Now, its just the opposite. In fact as she was driving away on the day that she left me, she sent me text messages saying “I’m sorry, I will always love you, God please forgive me, this is my darkest hour, I hope you will forgive me one day, I hope God will forgive me one day.”

Now about 2 months later her texts to me have said “I’ve done nothing wrong” “He’s just a friend, I mean he’s just an Exboyfriend and we are just friends.” Etc. Etc.

Please pray for my strength which is fading fast!

 

[bethrow]

I don't want to tell you to rush into a divorce, but I almost think it might save you from a world of more and more heartache. The selfishness that I see on her part is pretty big.
To tell you that she's done nothing wrong, he's just a friend is a lie. If he were just a friend she wouldn't be sneaking around and trying to deny it.
I honestly think you need to run as far away from this woman.
You may think she is being rewarded with her daughter, granddaughter, but she doesn't have the most important one close to her and that is Jesus.
I know you feel lonely and worried about being alone, but I'm worried that you'll be in for more heartache if you don't leave this woman.
I'm sorry for all that you are going through.

 

[idacell6]

The ironic thing is that with all of my obedience during my first marriage, and doing everything that I could to keep the marriage together, I thought that wife #2 WAS my reward from God. #2 showed the fruits if the Spirit. She talked the talk and walked the walk. And she showed an unbelievable amount love to me through out the years.

My devastation now is even more than it was after divorce #1. With both wives who promised over and over never to leave me, NO MATTER WHAT, how can I ever again believe that a "Christian" woman will stick by me "until death" ?

I truly felt that #2 was my reward from God. So that means one of two things must be true. Either I have no idea how to hear from God, or my reward for doing the right thing was very temporal. Just like my reward for abstaining from sexual intercourse before marriage is that I get to be extremely long now for the rest of my life. And my two wives rewards for premarital sex is a lifetime full of love with their illegitimate families.

I am just broken.

 

[iolair]

"Setting boundaries" in a relationship should mean being clear on ways you will not be treated, and you will not treat others. For example, to not be put down, or be called names, and to have a reasonable level of privacy.

People in a marriage - yes, become one flesh, but remain two individuals - and it's important that they are trusted to get on with their own life as well as the joint life.

"Setting boundaries" means, for most people, not putting up with someone cheating on them. But it also means trusting the other partner and not, for example, going through their messages, following them to see where they are in the middle of the night while not living together. I understand your insecurities must have been driving you mad and you were desperate for answers, but that does not allow you to stomp all over your wife's boundaries by going through her facebook and phone messages. It does not make it acceptable to follow her around and camp out while she spends the night at someone's house - particularly when you were separated.

For your wife to have lived with a partner who had the tendency to do these things would have been claustrophobic and, quite possibly, scary.

You also seem very concerned about the look/credibility of being a Christian man with two divorces. This fear is not helping you.

If you haven't already, I strongly recommend you seek counselling, and be open and accountable. Don't focus on your wife. YOU have responsibility for YOUR behaviour, but not for hers. Make the decision to always treat people with respect. Give people a respectful distance whether you want to or not. Realise that your happiness and witness are YOUR responsibility, not anyone else's.

It sounds like the texts she sent you that you quote were in response to you frequently hounding her for answers to your insecurities. Once again, give her a respectful distance.

 

[idacell6]

So let me get this straight. Once she lied to me about other men in her life, exLovers, etc. Once I saw a pattern that in the past has led to adultery, then you're saying I was WRONG for confronting the lies, for attempting to keep my marriage within Godly boundaries? I was wrong for using the common sense God gave me. Was I supposed to act like everything was ok? Was I supposed to turn a blind eye to her spending the night at an exLovers house? Does God call us to sit by passively while we see our marriages crumbling, so that we will not be called "controlling"?

Maybe I'm wrong but I thought God wanted us to fight for our marriage and try to keep the enemy out. To guard our spouse and the integrity of our marriage with all of our being.

Please tell me how this is wrong? It might not be "comfortable" for our spouse to know that we have caught them doing some horribly adulterous things, and then want accountability from them, but how is this BIBLICALLY wrong? Regardless of if we are accused of being "controlling" or not. ESPECIALLY when, as in my case, my current wife knew this is what happened in my 1st marriage, and my current wife AGREED that taking these same steps with wife #1 was not only proper, but that I would have been a fool not to.

 

[iolair]

So let me get this straight. Once she lied to me about other men in her life, exLovers, etc. Once I saw a pattern that in the past has led to adultery, then you're saying I was WRONG for confronting the lies, for attempting to keep my marriage within Godly boundaries? I was wrong for using the common sense God gave me. Was I supposed to act like everything was ok? Was I supposed to turn a blind eye to her spending the night at an exLovers house? Does God call us to sit by passively while we see our marriages crumbling, so that we will not be called "controlling"?

Maybe I'm wrong but I thought God wanted us to fight for our marriage and try to keep the enemy out. To guard our spouse and the integrity of our marriage with all of our being.

Please tell me how this is wrong? It might not be "comfortable" for our spouse to know that we have caught them doing some horribly adulterous things, and then want accountability from them, but how is this BIBLICALLY wrong? Regardless of if we are accused of being "controlling" or not. ESPECIALLY when, as in my case, my current wife knew this is what happened in my 1st marriage, and my current wife AGREED that taking these same steps with wife #1 was not only proper, but that I would have been a fool not to.

You're twisting what I said. Please don't.
The core of what I said: You're not responsible for her behaviour. You are responsible for yours. There are behaviours leading from your insecurities that have caused you in a way that can be interpreted as controlling. Deal with the plank in your own eye before you deal with the speck in hers. (I'm not saying she's not acted in a way that's wrong or at least unhelpful, but you cannot control and are not responsible for her behaviour. You ARE responsible for yours, and your reactions).

I caught #2 at an ExLovers house at 3am. SEVERAL TIMES

Several times? I believe that, unless she had made it clear the relationship was over, you were perhaps justified in checking where she was. Once. But several times? 3 a.m.? It sounds like you were camped out outside his house. Doing what? I'll tell you what you were doing - torturing yourself emotionally, and denying her space she clearly needs from you - for whatever reason. Find out the truth - ONCE - because then you know. Then deal with that truth and your reactions to it (and at this stage, preferably with the help of a counsellor). And back off. If you keep camping outside at the middle of the night, you'll find yourself charged with whatever passes for a stalking law in your part of the world. That's really not going to help.

Then when I gave her phone back to her I watched her log back onto Facebook and then immediately log off before putting the phone down.

There are several ways I could interpret this. One is that she is being blatant and cruel about her behaviour. However, I strongly feel the most likely explanation is that you're watching her every move and she is scared of you and your reactions.

From this distance and with only your account of events, there is no way I can know what's truly going on with either of you. Find someone you can be accountable too - perhaps a member of the pastoral or counselling team at your church, who will be honest with you and you can be open and honest with too. Accept the possibility you may be at fault here - I'm not saying you are, but accept the possibility with an open mind and heart and work on what you can work on.

Is it wrong to work hard to make a marriage work? Of course it's not. Is it wrong to allow your insecurities to make you watch and judge and control everything your wife does? To justify your behaviour because of what's happened to you in the past instead of taking responsibility for it?

Does Jesus intervene when we behave in wrong ways and stop us doing that? Or does he love us enough to allow us the space to work through things, and wait, open-armed for us to work it out and come back to him - and wait patiently, whether we come back or not?

 

[olds8598]

idacell6,


I read your story and am flabbergasted. I also know what you are going through because my wife used to say "I'll never leave you. Remember what the priest said? 'In the good times and the bad.'" I did not want this divorce.

I also know your feelings of fear of being alone and 'how will I discuss my divorce with a future girlfriend?'

I recommend holding onto God tight. (There is a scripture about holding His hand, I forget because I am actually right now grieving for my own situation.) Pray to Him. Ask Him for help and healing. Cry to Him. Ask Him "why?" There's another scripture that says "Even though my mother and father leave me, God never will." He grieves for you, for all of us. Believe He is "in your corner."

You mentioned you were previously depressed. I was too, before I met my wife. It is said the gold standard for treating depression is a combo of meds and therapy. If you are not anti-depressants, I would recommend this, just from physiological and medical standpoints. I would also suggest seeing a therapist. If it can be a Christian one--great. If not, no problem. Either way, make sure he/she is someone you feel comfortable with. If after a while, you don't feel he/she is helping or there's no connection, get another one. Psychology Today is a great source because they give a mini-bio about the providers and also insurance info, specialties, etc.

Stay strong. You WILL get through this.

 

[katautumn]

It sounds to me like you were fleeced twice. I'd say your only sin is not having better discernment in these cases. Either way, these women were deceitful, sinful, and obviously rejected their vows. While there are always three sides to every story (yours, theirs, and the absolute truth), it seems you have done everything you could.

Please don't despair. You're not ancient and could still father children with a younger woman. And there are plenty of women out there, even godly ones, who could look past your previous divorces, especially if they knew your story. Also, the fact that you don't have any ties, via offspring, to either of your wives would appeal to a woman who wants to start a family with a "clean slate", so to speak. You seem to have a lot to offer, but you can't wallow in self-pity.

You need to sever ties, rely fully on G-d, trust in His provision for your needs, and don't seek out women to complete you as a person. Only the L-RD can do that! Otherwise you will jump to future ex-wife #3 if you aren't careful. Plus, you'll make the woman miserable with your insecurities. Forgive your first two wives. It doesn't mean you condone or will forget what they did, but it means their poor actions will hold no influence over your life from here on out.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Emphatically disagree with some of your views. God doesn't call us to put our head in the sand and ignore signs. The OP stated they had a shared call log which he investigated. Even if he had used other means to investigate who she was calling I would still agree with it. Obviously his hunch was right. I also don't think it is out of line to see where she was at 3 am.

If he was going to try to salvage the marriage he should know what he was dealing with. The one thing I will agree with is that the visits to her "friend's" need to stop. There is no purpose since there isn't any reconciliation.

To the OP I am sorry for you. I have a female friend who had at least 3 divorces and is now married. I think it is odd that #2 said she would wait around forever even if she had to just remain a girlfriend. To me that sounds like a red flag. I hope you have men in your church that you are accountable to and who can advise you in the future. I think it's also important that any future wife has a church (or your church) and has people that know her well and who can speak about who she is so you are not just going by your own insight.