I am angry

[mrslisae]

The memories, the affects on my life. All the things that can easily be linked to years of abuse of all kinds, it just makes me mad!

I used to say that "it doesn't matter"...I used to just push away all the bad stuff and embrace the good...If anyone even remotely acted like they liked me, it was usually just to use me...If someone acted completely non interested in me, then it would absolutely kill me inside...I always felt like I wasn't good enough...

Then ofcourse people would say that I wasn't good enough...Girls would try to change me so that guys would like me...Then guys would tell me (because ofcourse I was the best friend ever) would tell me what they wanted...(usually a rich blonde)...

I was never accepted by anyone until my friend and mother figure..She was my rock for ten years...But I didn't accept her or trust her as my rock for the first five years...So I cheated myself out of five years of feeling loved and then she died...

I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of the physical pain.

And quite frankly I'm tired of people walking away and dying on me.

To say I'm angry is an understatement..

 

[rocklife]

there are some books that have helped me deal with a little bit of similar issues like this. maybe you can search some out. I found some at the library. Also the New Testament has been a source of encouragement, it doesn't have all the answers, but it does encourage one day we will have all the answers if we keep persevering with Jesus.

your name says you are a mom, I hope your kids are well

 

[mrslisae]

Yes I have a beautiful 7yr old angel..She's my world..I can't for the life of me understand how a mother can hurt her own children...I could never hurt my angel..

Though I know in a way I do because I'm struggling emotionally and she's seeing it..Despite my attempts to fake a smile..

 

[FallingWaters]

The only thing I know of that can release anger permanently is forgiveness. I had to do it again yesterday. I have been really angry for a few weeks and I didn't know why. God finally revealed it to me. I had to ask God to forgive me for my unforgiveness. I had to forgive the people who were offending me.

I had to place my trust back on God- where it belongs. It's hard.

 

[mrslisae]

yes it is

 

[Amin]

The memories, the affects on my life. All the things that can easily be linked to years of abuse of all kinds, it just makes me mad!

I used to say that "it doesn't matter"...I used to just push away all the bad stuff and embrace the good...If anyone even remotely acted like they liked me, it was usually just to use me...If someone acted completely non interested in me, then it would absolutely kill me inside...I always felt like I wasn't good enough...

Then ofcourse people would say that I wasn't good enough...Girls would try to change me so that guys would like me...Then guys would tell me (because ofcourse I was the best friend ever) would tell me what they wanted...(usually a rich blonde)...

I was never accepted by anyone until my friend and mother figure..She was my rock for ten years...But I didn't accept her or trust her as my rock for the first five years...So I cheated myself out of five years of feeling loved and then she died...

I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of the physical pain.

And quite frankly I'm tired of people walking away and dying on me.

To say I'm angry is an understatement..

What you've been thru is more than enough for one person. You have a right to be angry.
God understands anger. I used to get so angry at God that i would challenge Him in various ways. I really believe at some point in time God will respond to your hurts, but while we wait on God, Those that wait upon the Lord Etc. you feel the hurts of your life, and those things are hard to deal with at times.
I feel your pain in my heart and will be praying for relief to your pain.
God Bless You.
Chuck.

 

[Breezy3]

I can relate to everything you said because I felt all of those feelings at one point or another. For mel learning to set boundaries was a big plus in my life and I never realized how important it was to my well being physically, emotionally and spiritually. And then my codependency keep me in a place where I continued to be taken advantage of, used and abused, etc. so I did LOTS of work in that as well and still do cause recovery is a process and I have been working on my recovery for more than 19 years now and it has been so beneficial. With the Lord at the helm for more than half of that time, HE has helped me to work through so much!

My heart goes out to you. You matter and you are good enough. You are a child of God and HE loves you so much!