Husband's Friendship with Younger Female

[Katie's Mom]

A few months ago, I discovered that my husband's friendship with a younger female (he's 42, I'm 42, she's 23) had gone too far in my mind. He was texting her somewhat flirtatiously, meeting at the gym, going out for beers and talking negatively about me without telling me. I suspected something was going on and confronted him about it. He said that it was just a friendship, similar to those with his guy friends from the fire department. I got very upset and asked that he not communicate with her. I admit that I was not very supportive of him for the past year. I've been depressed and withdrawn. Our daughter passed away four years ago and I'm doing my best to live life. I think I'm doing the best I can. I went back to teaching, go out with friends and am active in my community. I'm really trying! About a month ago, I noticed some naked photos of him on our computer. I immediately confronted him about this. He said he had hit rock bottom and was done with life. He shared his photos on a site for the thrill of it and to do something wrong. I was upset and felt very strange about it. We are both Christians and I believe that incident renewed his faith in God. Fast forward to now...his young lady friend asked him for help training for a firefighting physical exam. My husband told me he was doing this and the texts seemed innocent because he showed me his phone. She asked him to go with her to take her exam yesterday and he went to support her. I'm not sure how to feel about any of this. He assures me it's nothing but a friendship and firefighters support each other. But when I think about it I get very angry and upset. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets frustrated and says I should trust him with his friendships. I'm a very sensitive person and do struggle with self-esteem but the whole situation makes me a little sick. I work with males but I honestly would never think of texting them or hanging out with them outside of a big group. In fact, I wouldn't even go that far. Am I being overly sensitive or is my gut telling me something? Any ideas? I would like responses that are very objective.

 

[Endeavourer]

Katie's mom, don't confront him anymore. He will just hide his actions better. Just let him think his answers satisfied you for now.

You need to find out what's going on with his digital life. Is there a way you can access a backup to his phone or access his email?

If you find something, you'll need to put together a strategic plan to save your marriage. Don't confront him. Save the evidence and come back here. We'll help you put together a strategic plan to break up this growing emotional affair, if it hasn't already materialized into a physical affair.

 

[Winken]

Just some ideas, not obligations! You decide!

Suggest that he have another firefighter train her. Or, she be trained in a group of other firefighters. There's a whole team of firefighters hanging out at the station.

Give him a specific time to drop in for her training when he is on a scheduled day off, then a specific time to return home. (I realize that firefighters work loooooong shifts). Have him agree to call you on the phone at different times during his shift. Or, you could call him.

What will happen to your relationship? How will he react? In love and understanding?

 

[Endeavourer]

Katie's mom, what do you think about the information in this link?

Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)

 

[Katie's Mom]

I spoke with him and he did admit that his first interactions with the younger woman were inappropriate and involved some flirting and talking about how difficult I was to be with. I appreciated his recognition of that. However, he still wants to maintain a friendship with her. I do understand that they see each other at the fire department and it would be awkward for him to say he couldn't go out with a group after training because she would be there. He maintains that the fire department is a brotherhood and he needs to maintain that. Bottom line is this...I DON'T LIKE HIM communicating with her at all. It feel weird to me. I've been praying that God will lift this from me.

 

[Endeavourer]

I spoke with him and he did admit that his first interactions with the younger woman were inappropriate and involved some flirting and talking about how difficult I was to be with.

Unfortunately this is already far over the line. Many affairs really take off once the married person starts badmouthing his spouse. And there is the flirting already.

However, he still wants to maintain a friendship with her.

I would not agree to this. She is a danger to your marriage.

What do you think of this article?

The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. - Marriage Builders®