Husband with BPD- seperated

[christianmommyof3]

My husband was diagnosed with BPD about a month ago, and we are now seperated due to the verbal abuse. He says he is trying hard and wants me home, however I have heard him say a lot of things over the years.

In your experiences with people with BPD or yourselves, how long did it take for you to start getting better?

 

[madison1101]

That totally depends on the person with BPD, their stability, their therapy, and their medications. Nobody can give you a timeline. You need to pray about your role in your marriage and seek the Lord for your needs right now.

I would suggest giving your husband more time, and encouragin him to work hard in therapy. If possible, consider marital therapy for both of you simultaneously with his therapy, not in place of it.

Good luck and God bless.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[cory533]

as usual Madison's responce is dead on. All I can add is my own expirience with a bpd wife. she was diagnosed about 7 months ago. we found a good councilor that has expirience with bpd. DW got on medication that took a couple tries to get right. the meds took her about two to three months to get really adjusted to and get doseges right. they help her not to get as easily or as far out of control. and when she rages she comes down sooner. the counceling has helped her a lot too but it is a long road. the first few months were in some ways worse than before we knew what it was that she had. you will hear that he will never get better that is nonsence but it will not be easy and he will need help.the root of this seems to be a fear of abandonment so your role can be vital forcing him to face this is important but you must be consistant to be fair to him.seperate council for yourself may be a good idea. In my expirience for me to see her counceler in any way may not be helpful. She sees me as a rival for the councelor therefore breaking the trust. we tried marriage councel with her previous therapist and it ended her therapy with that person. my circumstance is not necisarily typical. so get councel with someone who knows bpd.Peace in Christ,Cory ps my spell check is not working sorry

 

[Strawberry2]

My husband has BPD as well. We just found out not too long ago. I was actually drawn to read a book by a Christian man that was abusive to his wife and his journey thru that ("Angry Men & the Women Who Love Them"). In the book it described personality disorders, and it opened my eyes to research it more. That was after my husband and I were separated for a time...in which we both started counseling individually and then merging into couples counseling simultaneously now. The counselor (Christian psychologist) knew fairly quickly that he had personality disorder(s). It has unfortunately taken a little while to get him into a psychiatrist for official evaluation...and has still yet to meet with the psychiatrist next week to officially start on medication. From what the Dr. says that will help his paranoia, impulses, and rage. It feels like FOREVER...anticipation for when he gets on meds.

Me, along with wonderful prayer warriors and family have continued to pray...God is a miraculous healer and counselor!

 

[cory533]

AS i mentioned in aother thread you posted to the meds will take time to get adjusted right but it does make things better. I know in my life God has used this time to make me clean up my own act including some co-dependant behavior on my part. I was shocked to find out that I was setting her up to rage I guess so I could feel somehow superior. Like I was the poor victem putting up with her stuff. I would not have recognised it but a freind is a recovering addict and he was describing what his wife was doing to sabatoge his sobriety and suddenly I recognised myself.

 

[Strawberry2]

AS i mentioned in aother thread you posted to the meds will take time to get adjusted right but it does make things better. I know in my life God has used this time to make me clean up my own act including some co-dependant behavior on my part. I was shocked to find out that I was setting her up to rage I guess so I could feel somehow superior. Like I was the poor victem putting up with her stuff. I would not have recognised it but a freind is a recovering addict and he was describing what his wife was doing to sabatoge his sobriety and suddenly I recognised myself.

Thank you so much for your replies! I am intruiged to know more about what you were (and no longer are) doing to stop the mind-set and behavior of "I was the poor victim putting up with her stuff"? I feel that way at times, and I try not to...but for me, if I get someone to explain something, it makes sense then I know how to follow-thru with it. Can you help me understand that so I don't continue to unknowingly sabatoge my husband? Thanks!

 

[cory533]

Thank you so much for your replies! I am intruiged to know more about what you were (and no longer are) doing to stop the mind-set and behavior of "I was the poor victim putting up with her stuff"? I feel that way at times, and I try not to...but for me, if I get someone to explain something, it makes sense then I know how to follow-thru with it. Can you help me understand that so I don't continue to unknowingly sabatoge my husband? Thanks!

for me the first step was recognising it, and admitting that I had a problem.that came from me raging at her on one occasion in a mannor unlike my usual behavior in fact just like her own. I was out of control and could not stop myself even though I wanted to. This was a nasty verbal assault. That helped me be more sympathetic to her headspace then there was my freind describing how his wife was seemingly sabotaging his sobriety. In that example I could clearly see it was co-dependant ,then God opened my eyes to see nearly identicle behavior in myself. I beleive God used these to help me see where I needed to begin. Since then it has been a process of seeing myself on that path and stopping it there even if it means I have to eat my pride to walk away .(figurativly, DW sees physicaly walking away from a fight as abandonment or passive agressive behavior.)
That does not mean I do not hold her accountable for her actions but when things are escalating it doesn't help to be right in the wrong way.
That is kinda how I start with the obvious first step prayer. I also have joined an accountabillity group where weekly I must answer to other men if I have damaged others with my words or actions and have I been loving and repectful in my important relationships. Knowing that I must answer theese and other questions weekly to other men from my church makes me alter my behavior.
How is that for a start?
Peace in Christ,
Cory

 

[Strawberry2]

Thanks Cory. That is a great point! I have found myself "reacting" to the rage and verbal hatred, by doing very similar myself - in the past. I had to make a decision to be very adomate to STOP that kind of behavior. For many reasons: because it doesnt help the immediate situation, I don't want that to become habit, because "soft words turn away wrath"..."do not stir up anger"...etc, & because he always throws what I do that is less-than good in my face later on (as an excuse for him to do it). So, I've had to learn to keep things calm as best as possible...and I still need to work on walking away from a fight, so it will become second nature (so I don't continue to impulsively react). Then to approach the accountability and boundaries later that day or the next morning.

 

[Strawberry2]

Oh, and I have a question for anyone that knows first-hand about BPD:

Here in a nutshell is my current situation --
My husband and I were separated for a period of time because of his physical and verbal abuse towards me (and we have a new baby to protect too). He goes to counseling alone once per week, and we go for 2-hour couples counseling with the same psychologist once per week as well. During the time of separation, it was making him very anxious to be alone. After a while, we all agreed to allow him to move back in, provided he follow specific boundaries until further notice - this would be a transition time: that we would stay in separate bedrooms, no drinking alcohol, no cussing/calling names, no rages, no abuse, continue with counseling, get on and stay on meds, no physical intimacy (from his own mouth he said he would just be happy to be under the same roof with his wife & child & he expected to stay in separate bedrooms with no intimacy for about a month & a half -- now he goes back and says "oh, I meant 'at the very most a month & a half'"), etc.

Overall, I am proud of him...he has done much better! However, going back to what he said (going back on the timing for intimacy), this week it has been tearing him apart that we don't have physical intimacy right now...he's interpreting it as me being rude and controlling. He has been trying to manipulate, be pushy, make me jealous by saying he "could" with other women, started drinking again, cussing, etc.

I explained to him on Monday that I do love him, and that we need to ease our way back into intimacy -- that I am working thru my emotions (due to the very serious issues that occurred between us), and if we could just be affectionate by hugging, holding hands, great conversation, etc...to build back emotional intimacy, that it would help us lots...but that it certainly does the opposite with his rude tactics to try to get his way. At the time he seemed to understand when I was asking for patience and his help in building back emotional intimacy...he was very sweet and loving with his words and compliments. Then it went back down-hill last night, with his jealousy tactics, staying out til 2am and not letting me know where he was, drinking, etc.

He has broke some serious boundaries that we established. And I know during this time of reaching the tip of him getting on meds and us ironing thru the transition rough-spots is something I should perhaps take into account. However, how do I get thru to him that this is serious and the behavior has got to stop, because it is hurting the entire family and all of our well-being...and that this could fastly lead to tearing our family apart. How do I handle all of this with my BPD husband?

Thanks for your patience in reading all of this...God bless!

 

[madison1101]

Oh, and I have a question for anyone that knows first-hand about BPD:

Here in a nutshell is my current situation --
My husband and I were separated for a period of time because of his physical and verbal abuse towards me (and we have a new baby to protect too). He goes to counseling alone once per week, and we go for 2-hour couples counseling with the same psychologist once per week as well. During the time of separation, it was making him very anxious to be alone. After a while, we all agreed to allow him to move back in, provided he follow specific boundaries until further notice - this would be a transition time: that we would stay in separate bedrooms, no drinking alcohol, no cussing/calling names, no rages, no abuse, continue with counseling, get on and stay on meds, no physical intimacy (from his own mouth he said he would just be happy to be under the same roof with his wife & child & he expected to stay in separate bedrooms with no intimacy for about a month & a half -- now he goes back and says "oh, I meant 'at the very most a month & a half'"), etc.

Overall, I am proud of him...he has done much better! However, going back to what he said (going back on the timing for intimacy), this week it has been tearing him apart that we don't have physical intimacy right now...he's interpreting it as me being rude and controlling. He has been trying to manipulate, be pushy, make me jealous by saying he "could" with other women, started drinking again, cussing, etc.

I explained to him on Monday that I do love him, and that we need to ease our way back into intimacy -- that I am working thru my emotions (due to the very serious issues that occurred between us), and if we could just be affectionate by hugging, holding hands, great conversation, etc...to build back emotional intimacy, that it would help us lots...but that it certainly does the opposite with his rude tactics to try to get his way. At the time he seemed to understand when I was asking for patience and his help in building back emotional intimacy...he was very sweet and loving with his words and compliments. Then it went back down-hill last night, with his jealousy tactics, staying out til 2am and not letting me know where he was, drinking, etc.

He has broke some serious boundaries that we established. And I know during this time of reaching the tip of him getting on meds and us ironing thru the transition rough-spots is something I should perhaps take into account. However, how do I get thru to him that this is serious and the behavior has got to stop, because it is hurting the entire family and all of our well-being...and that this could fastly lead to tearing our family apart. How do I handle all of this with my BPD husband?

Thanks for your patience in reading all of this...God bless!

Kick his drunken butt back out the door. He violated the boundaries, drinking and cursing. People with BPD have trouble with boundaries and following guidelines. His sobriety is paramount to controlling the rest of the BPD behaviors. Getting drunk is like a temper tantrum, because he did not get his way and have sexual intimacy with you.

I speak from having been borderline in the past, and remember how manipulative I once was in my now gone marriage.

 

[cory533]

Kick his drunken butt back out the door. He violated the boundaries, drinking and cursing. People with BPD have trouble with boundaries and following guidelines. His sobriety is paramount to controlling the rest of the BPD behaviors. Getting drunk is like a temper tantrum, because he did not get his way and have sexual intimacy with you.

I speak from having been borderline in the past, and remember how manipulative I once was in my now gone marriage.

As usual I agree with madison. Cutting him some slack may make sense at times but Holding him accountable may be kinder at this stage.

 

[madison1101]

As usual I agree with madison. Cutting him some slack may make sense at times but Holding him accountable may be kinder at this stage.

Thanks Cory. I know from my own marriage that when I got my way, I ended up losing, because I was not held accountable and made to suffer the consequences of my behavior. Eventually, I suffered the consequences, but that wasn't till my husband left me and filed for divorce.

This husband needs to understand that he cannot have his way, and must be held accountable to behave in a mature, respectful way toward his wife. His acting out with alcohol and staying out and manipulative tantrums is typical borderline behavior. This wife has every right, given the terms of him moving back, to demand he find other living quarters. No second chances, he had them and drank and acted out.

 

[Demi4God]

My husband has BPD as well. We just found out not too long ago. I was actually drawn to read a book by a Christian man that was abusive to his wife and his journey thru that ("Angry Men & the Women Who Love Them"). In the book it described personality disorders, and it opened my eyes to research it more. That was after my husband and I were separated for a time...in which we both started counseling individually and then merging into couples counseling simultaneously now. The counselor (Christian psychologist) knew fairly quickly that he had personality disorder(s). It has unfortunately taken a little while to get him into a psychiatrist for official evaluation...and has still yet to meet with the psychiatrist next week to officially start on medication. From what the Dr. says that will help his paranoia, impulses, and rage. It feels like FOREVER...anticipation for when he gets on meds.

Me, along with wonderful prayer warriors and family have continued to pray...God is a miraculous healer and counselor!

I need to read this book mentioned.

 

[wordbyrd]

Being that this is a Christian forum, I just have a real problem 'loving' my husband. This is my challenge. How to not hate someone who is so verbally abusive, who is an empty shell, always talking and always lying. I seem to be trying to draw a line between evil and illness. I've pretty much learned how to live with this from day to day but spiritually, I just don't get it. If we put a category and label it, isn't it still evil?

 

[cory533]

You probably can't love him but Christ does and will help you to if you let him.At some of my worst moments I compare what I have/ am doing to Christ it helps me to put it in perspective. I have been unfaithful to Christ I have willfully turned away from Him I caused him to be crusified in an example of horrible cruelty. compared to that I have not suffered that much and i sure want the grace and forgiveness for my actions. That said loving him does not mean being a doormat or allowing yourself to be abused. prayerfully consider what actions you should take. if you enable him to remain lost in sin you do neither of you any favors, though wether tough love or some other aproach is needed I don't know.

 

[wordbyrd]

Jesus allowed himself to be abused....spit on, cursed, beaten, but it seems for a better reason. I've been a doormat now for about 25 years but only for the sake of my kids. When he starts raging at me, I just imagine my hands being nailed into the cross, it helps. They've heard enough fighting. .. impossible to communiate with him, it only brings negative remarks, so now I say almost nothing, ever, for a couple of years now and it seems to be work just fine for him. Since I've just read the 'stop walking on eggshells' book I'm going to try 'reflecting' what he says when he is raging but I am seriously praying about it. I wish there were more explanation about that in the book. There is not much chance for therapy because he can't keep a job and we only make it by the skin of our teeth, (and the grace of God) he borrows from everyone he knows and doesn't pay it back. In a few years, my youngest will probably have a family of his own and I hope I can get away but until then, I'm just trying to do the right thing for him from day to day, minute by minute. How do you react in the face of the raging?

 

[cory533]

Ussually not well. I get back in her face and say the hurtful things she wants me to. When I do respond well it is ussually only by the grace of God. I try to hold her accountable for her own actions. I won't clean up her messes.However sometimes I respond by affirming her and my love for her which totally derails her. of course if that happened most of the time She would just see it as reinforcement of bad behavior.

 

[wordbyrd]

Thanks. I don't say anything, but then he starts badgering me and demanding answers to senseless questions. Maybe I should try to say some 'affirming' things. I guess my problem is that I think the hurtful remarks, but I don't say them, and I'm unhappy with myself for thinking them.

 

[cory533]

Holding your tounge is a victory in itself. Don't let guilt rob you of grace and victory. However we can all strive to do better.