husband problems.

[mkgal1]

Actually, some posters, especially some on here in the past, would do that sort of thing.

Just to be clear...... are you saying that some posters would advise ending the marriage over frivolous things or if the issues weren't serious?

This is the quote I'm referring to, that your post was in response to:

You know no one here would tell you to consider ending the marriage if it weren't.[a serious issue]

 

[Blessedj01]

I haven't seen anyone here advising divorce.

Now, separation to keep her safe? Absolutely.
Counseling from a professional? Definitely needed for both parties.
Also, change takes TIME. Abusers are manipulative and capable of keeping up a facade for a long time. It takes TIME to see the fruit of change in someone's life.

Yes I agree that she needs to address the issue somehow and that might require some drastic and uncomfortable action, but regardless of whether anyone's actually said the D word or not (I haven't followed the thread closely enough to be honest) I just want to advise against anyone jumping to the conclusion that that's the first thing she should consider.

 

[mkgal1]

Yes I agree that she needs to address the issue somehow and that might require some drastic and uncomfortable action, but regardless of whether anyone's actually said the D word or not (I haven't followed the thread closely enough to be honest) I just want to advise against anyone jumping to the conclusion that that's the first thing she should consider.

Actually.....I will chime in and say that *nothing* should be done rashly. Leaving (even if it's just for a night---to gain some space to think clearly)....is the MOST dangerous time. Carefully seeking the guidance of a DV counselor is the best course of action.

 

[Blessedj01]

I would hope that the O.P considers talking to her husband in the frankest manner possible. It really needs to be pointed out that she feels hurt by the way he's treating her. Couples tend to argue about irrelevant topics before they actually settle on what's affecting them. If she can confront him about it in a safe environment it may set about the process of him realizing how bad his behavior has become. My ex girlfriend did it with me. I didn't agree to everything she said at first, but it stopped me from taking out a lot of anger on her once I realized that she was truly sick of the way I was snapping at her.

 

[mkgal1]

The thing about someone with abusive tendencies is, it's a completely different "rule book". Their reasoning isn't like ours.....they lack the natural tendency towards affection....kindness....compassion. It's difficult for us (with healthy "wiring" ) to imagine someone that enjoys hurting another person.

This website has a lot of good information...as do Lundy Bancroft's books.

Emotional Abuse

 

[mkgal1]

I would hope that the O.P considers talking to her husband in the frankest manner possible. It really needs to be pointed out that she feels hurt by the way he's treating her. Couples tend to argue about irrelevant topics before they actually settle on what's affecting them. If she can confront him about it in a safe environment it may set about the process of him realizing how bad his behavior has become. My ex girlfriend did it with me. I didn't agree to everything she said at first, but it stopped me from taking out a lot of anger on her once I realized that she was truly sick of the way I was snapping at her.

Are you married BlessedJ?

 

[Blessedj01]

The thing about someone with abusive tendencies is, it's a completely different "rule book". Their reasoning isn't like ours.....they lack the natural tendency towards affection....kindness....compassion. It's difficult for us (with healthy "wiring" ) to imagine someone that enjoys hurting another person.

This website has a lot of good information...as do Lundy Bancroft's books.

Emotional Abuse

Yeah, but we don't know everything about this situation so I don't think we should leap to the conclusion that her husband is a sadist.

 

[Blessedj01]

Are you married BlessedJ?

Nope.

 

[mkgal1]

Nope.

That's actually a requirement to post in this sub-forum. The rules are all posted above.

 

[Blessedj01]

Oh, I didn't know that. I'll stop posting here then.

 

[mkgal1]

The thing about someone with abusive tendencies is, it's a completely different "rule book". Their reasoning isn't like ours.....they lack the natural tendency towards affection....kindness....compassion. It's difficult for us (with healthy "wiring" ) to imagine someone that enjoys hurting another person.

This website has a lot of good information...as do Lundy Bancroft's books.

Emotional Abuse

Yeah, but we don't know everything about this situation so I don't think we should leap to the conclusion that her husband is a sadist.

You are right.....we *don't* know everything, but I am not leaping to conclusions. What I've been doing is giving information and responding based on what we *do* know.

It's also not a good idea to leap to the conclusion that the OP's husband is *not* abusive (which is different than being a sadist). An abusive person punishes when they feel justified in doing so (they see it as their "right" to punish someone when they've done "wrong"---wrong as defined by them, the abuser). A sadist enjoys hurting someone merely for pleasure.

 

[waxlion10]

Actually.....I will chime in and say that *nothing* should be done rashly. Leaving (even if it's just for a night---to gain some space to think clearly)....is the MOST dangerous time. Carefully seeking the guidance of a DV counselor is the best course of action.

Exactly. Totally agree.

 

[EazyMack]

I think it's clear that the OP needs to get away from this situation. That doesn't necessarily mean divorce, but stay away long-term. That will give you the space you need to sort things out. And, while it's taboo to say for many Christians, divorce might end up being the result of what's been sorted out. Control & abuse are not acceptable characteristics of a spouse. That goes beyond "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health..."

Is he willing to get help? His behavior is not normal, this is obvious even just from the things you shared. He does not sound like a healthy person to be around.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

MOD HAT ON


This thread has been moved to survivors of abuse.


MOD HAT OFF
​

 

[WalksWithChrist]

MOD HAT ON


This thread has been moved to survivors of abuse.


MOD HAT OFF
​

Why was this moved from the Married forum? We get threads just like this on a regular basis.

 

[coolchicka]

Trying to get my own place.

 

[mkgal1]

Are you seeking the guidance from a domestic abuse counselor in doing that?

 

[cweinstein]

Abuse is not limited to physical, to hitting only. This is emotional and psychological abuse, and it is just as damaging, if not more.
I was subject to emotional and psychological abuse. The scars are there, though unseen.
Coolchicka you need to get out of there and seek help from a DV center
Praying for you

 

[Ana the Ist]

Husband wont hardly let me see my friend cause he says they are not good for me when he bairly knows them. If a friend wants to hang out with me I am evenscared to tell him im going out cause I know that I will spend at least a hour Argueing with him about it. Then he will say stuff like well if ur car breaks down don't ask me get ur so called friends to fix it. If u need money help don't ask me see if ur so called friends will lend u it. Im done helping ur friends are more important. Maybe I should leave u. He's even came running out before throwing stuff at the car and even followed me in another car once riding too close behind me then passing me angerly. I've even been having my clothes and personal clothes items and perfume come up missing I discovered some of it hidden in his stuff before that I looked through when he was gone. Then he says I notice some of ur. Clothes come missing I bet ur so called friends took them.


Thinks its not right for a wife to stay the night at a friends place.

How many of these friends are men? One? A few? Most of them?