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Husband Flirting/Cheating

jules0965

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I have been married 22 years - since this time in 2007 my husband cheated on me and was in a romantic relationship for about 5 months til it was discovered by both parties and the woman he cheated with was forced to quit work by her husband. Long story short - it was it 2014 that me and my husband had an altercation - he has anger issues - another long story - I ended up being so hurt by it that I asked him to move out and get help that I didn't feel safe any longer - in this time - it was a few days later he contacted his above affair recipient and she told her husband and he contacted me. He said it was to talk but I knew better. We spent the summer apart and I did some really sole searching and he got some help through the church for his anger issues, etc. We got back together slowly at the end of September and decided to renew our vows in December to start fresh wipe a clean slate. Well here it is September - one year later and I have (always from the first affair) been able to "sense" something is wrong. So I have been looking at his emails and sure enough he is flirting with a woman at work. It has been "couldn't concentrate in our staff meeting today and don't know why I have this connection with you but I do type stuff and good seeing you today, etc. I am just devastated - I haven't spoken to him yet I want to give it some time - I have been seeking God continually and crying out to him. My husband knows something is wrong but I just tell him I don't feel good. I am going to confront him but I just want to do it in the right way with no sin on my part and less anger. I would really and could really use some advice and help. I feel I can't trust or respect him any longer and feel it's time to move on. I know it's not what God wants but I am tired! I am praying for him and the situation continually
 

shera19

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How awful for you. You have tried and tried with this man and all he seems to do is hurt you. It's okay to feel tired and it's okay to be angry. We all have times we feel lost and don't know which way to turn. There are others on here who are wiser than I am and will probably offer more wisdom than myself.
But I would keep on praying. Prayer is powerful. Can you get anyone to pray with you? I will certainly pray for you.
But unless this man wants to change, you can,t change him. If it were me I would prefer to leave him, to be at peace, not have to worry anymore about what he,s doing or waiting to be hurt again. But 22years is a long time. That's not an easy option. Others on here may disagree, but I do hope you find the way forward. God bless. XX
 
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John Robie

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I have been married 22 years - since this time in 2007 my husband cheated on me and was in a romantic relationship for about 5 months til it was discovered by both parties and the woman he cheated with was forced to quit work by her husband. Long story short - it was it 2014 that me and my husband had an altercation - he has anger issues - another long story - I ended up being so hurt by it that I asked him to move out and get help that I didn't feel safe any longer - in this time - it was a few days later he contacted his above affair recipient and she told her husband and he contacted me. He said it was to talk but I knew better. We spent the summer apart and I did some really sole searching and he got some help through the church for his anger issues, etc. We got back together slowly at the end of September and decided to renew our vows in December to start fresh wipe a clean slate. Well here it is September - one year later and I have (always from the first affair) been able to "sense" something is wrong. So I have been looking at his emails and sure enough he is flirting with a woman at work. It has been "couldn't concentrate in our staff meeting today and don't know why I have this connection with you but I do type stuff and good seeing you today, etc. I am just devastated - I haven't spoken to him yet I want to give it some time - I have been seeking God continually and crying out to him. My husband knows something is wrong but I just tell him I don't feel good. I am going to confront him but I just want to do it in the right way with no sin on my part and less anger. I would really and could really use some advice and help. I feel I can't trust or respect him any longer and feel it's time to move on. I know it's not what God wants but I am tired! I am praying for him and the situation continually
You need to go to your elders.
 
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jules0965

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You need to go to your elders.
Well, I did confront him in a gentle way and we discussed it - he says he sent them to her to see if I was checking his email...big lie. As of this date - I have found emails to and from her - not sure how far the affair has gone but we leave for vacation in a few days. I am seeking assistance through my pastor on Thursday but I feel after this being the second time how can I trust ever?? I know god hates divorce but I do have he right since he is committing adultery. I just don't know him and why he would keep doing this - it's like he has a problem that he needs to address with the "chasing" of women. Any advice?
 
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jules0965

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He's a womanizer, some woman or women in has past damaged him to the point that he seeks validation for a plethora of women. What was his childhood like?
As far as I know his childhood was good. There were issues of anger and he has had it as well but has got help for it over the years. He grew up in a christian home. His first wife - only married 2 years they were kind of forced in by their parents (both sides were friends). He is very reserved and not outgoing at all - never looks or makes comments about women when I am around (but who knows whats going through his head) He has always had a christian faith and that's what I don't understand - I know we are not perfect and we sin but to do it repeatedly after repenting. I just can't wrap my head around it
 
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dysert

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Assuming you can afford it, and if there are no young children involved, I would dump him. He obviously hasn't grown up enough to be in a marriage. You have a right to not be abused, lied to, cheated on, etc. As you know, divorce is permitted in the case of adultery, so you shouldn't be worried about that. If you want to stay with him, give him an ultimatum: he either totally quits fooling with other women immediately, or you're gone. If you don't care about staying with him, adios.
 
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Angelena James

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I have been married 22 years - since this time in 2007 my husband cheated on me and was in a romantic relationship for about 5 months til it was discovered by both parties and the woman he cheated with was forced to quit work by her husband. Long story short - it was it 2014 that me and my husband had an altercation - he has anger issues - another long story - I ended up being so hurt by it that I asked him to move out and get help that I didn't feel safe any longer - in this time - it was a few days later he contacted his above affair recipient and she told her husband and he contacted me. He said it was to talk but I knew better. We spent the summer apart and I did some really sole searching and he got some help through the church for his anger issues, etc. We got back together slowly at the end of September and decided to renew our vows in December to start fresh wipe a clean slate. Well here it is September - one year later and I have (always from the first affair) been able to "sense" something is wrong. So I have been looking at his emails and sure enough he is flirting with a woman at work. It has been "couldn't concentrate in our staff meeting today and don't know why I have this connection with you but I do type stuff and good seeing you today, etc. I am just devastated - I haven't spoken to him yet I want to give it some time - I have been seeking God continually and crying out to him. My husband knows something is wrong but I just tell him I don't feel good. I am going to confront him but I just want to do it in the right way with no sin on my part and less anger. I would really and could really use some advice and help. I feel I can't trust or respect him any longer and feel it's time to move on. I know it's not what God wants but I am tired! I am praying for him and the situation continually

I think you should confront him and speak your heart out to him. And you don't have to stay quiet about it. Be angry, tell him how hurt you are with this behavior. You've already given him a chance at this marriage, you cannot keep doing this with yourself again and again. If you feel that nothing can be done with this immature man, then it's time to walk out of the marriage.
 
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jules0965

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I think you should confront him and speak your heart out to him. And you don't have to stay quiet about it. Be angry, tell him how hurt you are with this behavior. You've already given him a chance at this marriage, you cannot keep doing this with yourself again and again. If you feel that nothing can be done with this immature man, then it's time to walk out of the marriage.
Well I talked to him and he is begging and groveling and pleading with me to not divorce him - he knows what he did was wrong and new it while he was doing it but I could never trust him again ever so I told him he would have to let me go and not be around so he has been staying with his mom. I work a part-time job because he could financially take care of me, I am worried about getting health insurance and how to get it for just me - any ideas
 
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dysert

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Although I am an unbeliever I would never cheat on my husband, we have been married for 46 years. However, I have known many Christians, of the 'born again' variety who have cheated on their partners, including a very close relative!
People are sinners, whether they're born again or not. It's said, though, that Christians can't set a better example.
 
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Odetta

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In regards to health insurance and divorce, it may be possible for you to remain on that insurance under the Cobra umbrella for up to 3 years post divorce. That's what a quick google search told me. If you plan on divorcing your husband, and you certainly have biblical grounds for it, you should see a lawyer as soon as possible.
 
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grace49

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Well I talked to him and he is begging and groveling and pleading with me to not divorce him - he knows what he did was wrong and new it while he was doing it but I could never trust him again ever so I told him he would have to let me go and not be around so he has been staying with his mom. I work a part-time job because he could financially take care of me, I am worried about getting health insurance and how to get it for just me - any ideas
Although your husband has done something terrible you need to ask some tough questions before giving up on 22 years of marriage. Do you believe he loves you? Is he repenting to God and to you? Is he willing to get counceling? Were the affairs sexual? Did he make efforts to do the right thing? Do you still have love for him? It is not easy when it has happened a couple times and you have every right to be angry but God hates divorce and if this man will do anything to earn your trust back, it may worth getting counceleing from a proffessional or your pastor. Above all pray!
 
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dayhiker

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So sorry Jules,
I'm thinking to praise him for dealing with his anger and say you need one more thing from him.
Knowing the sexual sin often brings the most shame for us Christians. Ask him to be as honest about his sexual desires as he was honest to deal with his anger.
I'm thinking he has hid a lot of stuff over the years, as in from puberty, and he wouldn't get free till its in the light. Some of it is sinful, but a lot of its is just him hiding his sexuality that God created him with. Ask him to bring it all into the light. You, councilor, his trusted guy friend and your pastor(s) probably need to figure out what that is will look like.
That's my thoughts.
 
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