Husband denies intimacy

[Carol777]

I am extremely embarrassed about my situation, but I need help. It is possible that my husband and I are not equally yoked. He often denies intimacy and tells me it is his decision, not mine. I am usually the one who is needy and he wants me to be happy and pleasant at all times, even if I feel sad and need my husband.

When he is sick, things get worse, because he usually has denied intimacy for a long time (many weeks) and then if he has a cold or minor ailment it means we will need to wait a bit longer before we can make that blessed connection which all married couples should enjoy. I am miserable most of the time but he gets angry if I show it. I think he feels bad because he knows I am feeling needy.

I just dont know how to handle it. I pray a lot. Any suggestions?

 

[Humble me Lord]

So sorry to hear this Carol.
We are to become one flesh in a marriage, it's not solely his decision.
Not being a woman, I was searching for something to help and came across this, written by a woman that could help,The Other Scriptures About Marital Sex
Will pray for your situation
God bless you and your marriage

 

[Carol777]

If he truly felt bad about not meeting your needs, he wouldn't put you off or deny you for so long. What makes him think it's only his decision?

Thank you for your response, LILAC. Although we have been married for nearly 15 years, I don't think he accepts that a wife is a responsibility, just as a husband is. He tells me intimacy is ONLY when he wants intimacy, and I have to accept it. I knew it was wrong, but I thought if I worked with him and prayed, things would change. Eventually, I could see he knew he had to do something - that he had some obligation, as a husband. But he is still dismissive and gets angry if I express any interest in intimacy when he is not interested. He tells me I MUST wait. It could mean weeks, or months. He won't get help from the doctor. He just tells me he doesn't feel like doing "the work." I am in a terrible situation, but I always pray for the best. There have been times when he has been a little more attentive, but I recognize it was only when HE wanted to be. I am starting to wonder if he likes seeing me be uncomfortable.

Other than that, he is a good provider, and seems to care deeply about me, telling me he could not live without me. He is kind and caring in other ways. And I work hard on my marriage. I honor and respect him. I just need more attention. I know he isn't perfect. I still pray he will change.

 

[Carol777]

Thank you for your response, LILAC. Although we have been married for nearly 15 years, I don't think he accepts that a wife is a responsibility, just as a husband is. He tells me intimacy is ONLY when he wants intimacy, and I have to accept it. I knew it was wrong, but I thought if I worked with him and prayed, things would change. Eventually, I could see he knew he had to do something - that he had some obligation, as a husband. But he is still dismissive and gets angry if I express any interest in intimacy when he is not interested. He tells me I MUST wait. It could mean weeks, or months. He won't get help from the doctor. He just tells me he doesn't feel like doing "the work." I am in a terrible situation, but I always pray for the best. There have been times when he has been a little more attentive, but I recognize it was only when HE wanted to be. I am starting to wonder if he likes seeing me be uncomfortable.

Other than that, he is a good provider, and seems to care deeply about me, telling me he could not live without me. He is kind and caring in other ways. And I work hard on my marriage. I honor and respect him. I just need more attention. I know he isn't perfect. I still pray he will change.

1 Corinthians 7:4 English Standard Version (ESV)
4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Maybe he needs a reminder of this verse? I assume you are both Christians? I totally understand the whole "it seems like work" now after several years. It's never the same after the honeymoon phase! Marriage IS work and you both have to be willing to put IN that work or the marriage will suffer. I am glad you are praying for your marriage. Does your husband join you in prayer? Do you have alot of open discussions about everything, including your frustrations?

 

[Carol777]

1 Corinthians 7:4 English Standard Version (ESV)
4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Maybe he needs a reminder of this verse? I assume you are both Christians? I totally understand the whole "it seems like work" now after several years. It's never the same after the honeymoon phase! Marriage IS work and you both have to be willing to put IN that work or the marriage will suffer. I am glad you are praying for your marriage. Does your husband join you in prayer? Do you have alot of open discussions about everything, including your frustrations?

This site is a little quirky, or maybe it's just Me. So I hope I am posting a reply in the right place. We are both Christians, but he sees this as my problem, not his. After all, he is fine. I am the one with the problem, in his mind. And if I express my feelings about this, he says I am making him unhappy. I am ruining his day. I know - he is really difficult on this subject. He will not budge, unless and until he "feels sorry" for me. And if I am really longing for intimacy, he tells me I am turning him off. It seems he just needs me to shut up and keep my feelings to myself about this. It's not easy. I feel foolish and embarrassed sharing this. But I just keep praying. As I have said, there have been weeks where he was caring and interested, but they are few and far between, and it doesn't last. I used to beg him for intimacy, but I stopped, because it felt too degrading, and he doesn't like it. He says it is MY problem and MY fault. If I were not at my wit's end I would not be sharing here. I thank you for "listening" and responding.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Tell him if he does not accept that the bible says your bodies belong to each other, you will talk to the pastor because its hurting the marriage. Unless your pastor teaches men can do what they want, in that case find another church. Also if you have to do what he says then what would you do if you left him? I don't mean divorce. I mean as in tell him you need some time to think and so does he, so you will go stay somewhere awhile (maybe family, friends...etc). This way he can think about what is more important, fixing the marriage or being stubborn and ungodly.

 

[johndoo]

If he won't talk to the doctor then it is unlikely that he would talk to a marriage counselor.
Several books are available regarding this topic, but he doesn't seem to be the type that would take advice from a book either.
Those are two thing that I usually suggest.

 

[Dave-W]

Tell him if he does not accept that the bible says your bodies belong to each other, you will talk to the pastor because its hurting the marriage.

This. He is (according to Paul) "worse than an infidel."

1 Timothy 5:8 But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel.

Matt 18.15 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

According to Matt 18, if someone sins against you (and he has), you are to take it to him. (which you have already done) If that does not work, have another witness or 2 and confront him again. If that does not work, it is to be told to the whole church.

 

[LinkH]

He just tells me he doesn't feel like doing "the work."

This probably isn't a solution, but how does he respond if you offer to basically do all the work?