Husband changed his mind.

[Manna]

Hi all...I'm looking for some advice or just input on my current situation. My husband and I were married this past summer and soon found out that we were expecting our first baby. It was not planned, but after the initial shock wore off, we couldn't be happier. However, on Valentine's day my dear hubby informed me that he was not cut out for the marriage and family life and was leaving me. We talked and talked and talked about it, basically with me trying to pick my jaw up from off of the ground and figure out what in the world had happened to make him feel this way. But he wouldn't be swayed, and he left 7 days later. That was February 21. I heard from him for the next three days, but haven't heard from him since. Keep in mind that I am now seven months pregnant with our daughter.

I know that I can't force him to stay with me. He filed the divorce paperwork, which I signed, and will be final at the end of this week. He doesn't want custody of the baby, so I don't have to deal with that.

However, here's my small dilema. I am trying as hard as possible to move on with my life to make it the best atmosphere as possible for my baby. But I've noticed that every time the phone rings or someone is at the door or even when I get an email, I wonder if it's him. And I'm tired of always wondering. I'm not afraid of him contacting me, it's just that the question is always there. Does that make any sense? I have pretty much decided that if he does not contact me by our daughter's due date, I dont' necessarily have a responsibility to get in touch with him and let him know that she was born. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if he's going to suddenly pop up. Because he abandoned us like this, I'm not very fond of the idea of warmly welcoming him back into our lives. At this point, I feel he just needs to stay away if this is truly how he feels about his family. Do I tell him that? Do I make the first step and contact him so that I know he won't contact me? I'm really not sure what to do at this point. I will be glad to listen to any advice anyone has on what to do from this point on...I don't necessarily want to hear advice about the past...I can't change that. But please, if you know anything about a situation like this, I would love some input.

Thank you so much!
Anna

 

[jenptcfan]

Wow...I'm so sorry. I know it must be terribly stressful for you to deal with this during your pregnancy (not to mention all the hormonal changes you're already dealing with). Goodness gracious. God bless you as you strive to have the best attitude for your baby.

I don't think you're obligated to contact him when your daughter is born. Do you keep in touch with his family? If so, I would send a birth announcement or whatever to his family and keep them in the loop. Just because your daughter has lost her father figure, doesn't necessarily mean she has to lose a set of grandparents too. He knows how to get in touch with you if he wants updates and all that. It seems like he's already made the choice that he doesn't want to be involved in your baby's life (sadly!). I hope that he will use this time to sort things out and realize what a miracle a baby is and will change his mind. God can change the heart of anyone...(though that's not always how it works out).

I've never been in your situation, so I don't really have any advice. I was just touched by your post and wanted to respond. I wish you and your sweet baby all the best!

 

[selune]

May God bless you and your child. I pray that things get better. I've never gone through this type of situation so I have no useful advice other than to place yourself in God's hands.

 

[AngelaHelene]

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you but I just wanted you to know that I will be praying for you!
God Bless,
Angela

 

[Manna]

Thank you so much...very nice responses! As for his family, we were never very close. He is the "baby boy" in the family, and I was pretty much resented for taking him away. I was never successful in building a relationship with any of them (but my word, I tried!!), so there is absolutely no contact now. Just FYI, he's living at his mother's house now...she's thrilled.

Please, more input! I appreciate any responses!

Anna

 

[selune]

I guess my one thought is to not completely shut the door yet. Maybe God will soften his heart and things will change. I can only hope that he will see the error of his leaving and you two can get back together. But as I said before, I've never been in a like situation so I can't tell you what would be right. I hope you and your baby are well.

 

[brettnolan]

But I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if he's going to suddenly pop up. Because he abandoned us like this, I'm not very fond of the idea of warmly welcoming him back into our lives.

On this point, I would hope that you got in the divorce papers his responsibility to care for the child financially AND detail HOW and WHY he left in case, when he grows up, he decides he wants to be a daddy again causing even more irreparable damage to your child. If you haven't done so you need to. Just because you've signed the papers doesn't mean it's too late. As long as you haven't gone before the judge yet, you have time.

Also, I've heard (don't know for sure) that in some states, leaving a mother during her pregnancy is legally frowned upon. It doesn't sound like you have your own lawyer, you NEED to get one and check on these things, even if you are just going for the so-called "amicable" divorce. You don't need to be taken advantage of just because you are young and trusting.

 

[Suzannah]

Wow. I'm so very sorry to hear about this....this is a terrible time for you....
I will be praying for you no matter what Anna...

But in the meantime, I don't think you are obligated in any way to this man. You are perfectly within your spiritual and legal purview to "dump that chump". You have every right to ask the State to collect child support on behalf of your child. This does not mean you have to welcome him back into your life. Depending on your state, you may even have grounds for termination of his parental rights. Seek legal counsel from a competent family lawyer and pray, pray and pray some more. Seek comfort in the Lord and His promises. He will never leave you or forsake you...God bless you...

 

[Gabriel]

As harsh as this may sound, you got off easy. Guys like him usually wait until the kid is born and a ton of debt has been incurred and then they leave, breaking the child's heart and leaving the wife in financial ruin.

Demand child support. Whether he is involved or not in the raising of the child, he needs to help you. Don't back off on this!

You are young and obviously smart. God will provide for you. Your divorce is not sinful for you as you have been abandoned. Let his mother have him and move on.

By all means, let him know that he is not welcome to contact you unless it is a matter of reconciliation that will be so thorough that you will have earned his trust completely before you are expected to treat him like a husband again. HE feels as though he has gotten "off the hook", but I'm here to tell you that you are the one who is fortunate.

Keep us informed, we will be praying for you.

 

[katelyn]

I'm so sorry! I pray that God will protect you and your child!

I agree with the others that since you don't know your husband's intentions, and also since it sounds like he has some growing up to do, it is a good idea to do what you can to protect yourself if he decides he wants to change his plans. I'm not saying you need to shut him out or write him off, just that you need to make sure that you will have full custody of your child and also that he will help provide for your child if you want that. Write down how everything has happened, document any contact you've had or do have in the future with your husband so if something does happen, you can clearly give the details of how he has abandoned you and shown no interest in you or your child.

It's up to you whether or not you tell him when your baby is born, but personally I would. Not as some kind of invitation, but just to make sure you don't later feel guilty for not informing him, or possibly him later coming out and saying you were withholding information from him. If you don't want to talk to him, just send him a brief note in the mail.

I pray that God will give you the strength and comfort you need during this time!

 

[Momzilla]

Manna, I'm so sorry this is happening. You sound like a very strong and courageous young woman--your daughter is very lucky to have you.

I agree with the others that you should do everything that you can to protect yourself, so that it is your choice whether you ever accept him back into your life. One way to do that is to have him sign over his parental rights, but that also means giving up child support. The safest way to go, IMHO, is to make sure you have full custody and that he pays child support.

As for leaving the door open... I'm reminded of the story of the prodigal son. You are young, and I presume your husband is, too. I recommend that you move on with your life--don't wait for him to come back. But, I advise against telling him never to darken your door again. I know it's very hard to wonder who it is when the phone rings, but I promise that it will get easier with time.

 

[Tangnefedd]

I am so sorry for you that is really rough. What provision has your husband made for the baby? Surely he can't just walk away without providing financial support? In the UK the father has to pay child maintainance by law. There is a State run agency that collects child support from the father, whether or not he is in contact with the child.

 

[jenptcfan]

I agree that maybe you should receive child support from him (even if it means you can't terminate parental rights). He could grow up in a couple of years and try to be a good dad. You never know. And if you do have his parental rights terminated and later on in life, your child is upset because she never knew her father...it might be nice to be able to say "I always left the door open for him to decide he could be a devoted father."

It's a tough call though. Dads (or moms for that matter) who pop in and out of a child's life can really do some harm. Hopefully he won't have that kind of relationship with your baby girl.

 

[Pcarpenter:)]

Hey sweetie

There's so much I want to say to you!!! I don't know where to start....
Well, I can tell you that I had my daughter when I was 17, two months before my high school graduation. I was with her father for several years and we were planning on getting married but he ran off 3 months into the pregnancy and I went into a deep depression...I had NO support from my family or friends so I thought for sure my life was over! I was totally in love with him and was so deeply hurt that I stayed in bed for 3 months....and cried until I had my little angel.

Let me tell you that this just might be a blessing in disguise! You are two years older than I was but I know that now, I am a different person than I was at 19...and if I had married him, I would probably not be a very happy person because we've both grown into totally different people. I raised my daughter on my own for 6 years then met the love of my life....the one that He made for me! I never thought in a million years I would meet my soul mate...and he is perfect with my daughter they love each other so much!
I had people telling me that my life was going to change for the worse but I'm here to tell you that there is no reason for you not to have everything you want. Now don't get me wrong being a single parent is tough but they have programs to help you if you don't want to get child support from your ex.....I chose to keep him out of my daughters life. I didn't want him coming and going into her life as he pleased.

I just want you to know that you have your whole life ahead of you and not to worry because you will get through this and I believe you'll be rewarded in the end. If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me!

 

[jewels_cs]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. My sister and I grew up without our father in our lives. Not having a father in a child's life, in my opinion, does affect a child in a lot of areas. As hard as it may be, I hope that you can have him visit the child you both have brought into this life for the child's best interest.

 

[GirlieGirl]

Manna, I'm amazed at your courage and perserverance. I am not nearly as strong as you.

I second the poster that said it's better for this guy to bail sooner rather than later. He's not even a man. He's a boy, and now he's where he should be: back with his mommy.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Hmm, not that I'm an expert by any means. I feel sorry for the both of you, that you were hurt and abandoned like this- but truthfully, you're better off out of you two. Because one of these days this is going to slap him in the face, and he'll always have to deal with the guilt over it, you on the other hand, will eventually move on. There is nothing wrong with you still being hopeful- though it does drive one crazy when there really is no hope. Just know that this is normal. And I suggest that you just pray for him, and try to do it in love- that God will really touch his heart and life and bless him. God has a way of meeting our needs, when our needs aren't the center of our prayers and concerns- meaning- that your quiet time with the lord is about much more than that. And that it is also praying out of trust- knowing that God has a perfect plan for you, whether he bring your ex back into your life, or in another. Trust that God will do what he feels like is best for you. Sometimes difficult to see things through the eyes of faith. Hope this is somewhat helpful- if you do this, trust God with it and to take care of all your needs- it'll give you more rest and peace, and God wants you to have that rest and peace. He wants to provide for all your needs. God Bless you.

 

[Silent Enigma]

 

[Manna]

Thank you so much, everyone...wonderful advice! I will definitely be seeking legal counsel over the issue. When it comes to child support, I had of course considered it, but I don't really know if there is a point to it. You see, he has been unemployed for a year + now. He claims that he has chronic headaches that cause him to be unable to work. I have discovered many lies that he was feeding to me during our short marriage, so I cannot tell if he truly suffers from those headaches or not. Regardless, he refuses to work. He has absolutely no income, and while we were together, I was the "bread winner". So even if I did try to get a legal statement demanding financial support, I wouldn't get a penny...he doesn't have one! I believe I said (if not, forgive me) in my original post that he had a child in his first marriage as well. He has not seen this child in 2 or 3 years, hasn't contacted him, and hasn't paid a dime of child support. The reasons he gave me while we were married made sense at the time, but have fallen through now.

So, now knowing that information, what would you guys suggest?

I agree with what one of the posters said earlier...I did get off easy. In one of our conversations when he first told me he was leaving, he asked if I WANTED him to leave. I said that of course I didn't want him to leave, but that I did want him to decide to stay for good by the time his daughter was born. When he asked for clarification on that, I believe the way I worded it was "I don't want you to leave, but if you're going to, do it now for her sake." I believe that fathers who float in and out of their children's lives should be charged with child abuse...it is definite emotional abuse to experience that sense of abandonment numerous times throughout your childhood.

Above all, I know that God wanted this baby born. I know that she is the most important person in my life right now, and I will do everything I possibly can to raise her in the way that God wants me to. And I am luckier than most, for I have a strong, supportive Christian family who is 100% behind me. Sadly, not many people can say that.

Again, thank you for all of your advice thus far! I can't wait to hear more from you all! =)

Anna

 

[Violet]

I believe he should sign over his parental rights. I think it's sick that he hasn't paid a dime of child support and probably never will but it will come back to him someday...and he'll pay one way or another. It seems the best thing to do for your child (IMO) is rid her of him because apparently he's not going to be a positive influence in her life. She will always have Jesus as her father and he's the BEST!