Husband and his issues!!!!

[~PICKLE~]

First off I want to say I am happily married and in no way am I bashing my hubby. He just has some issues that dampin' our relationship at times and I'd like some advice how to handle these issues when they arise. So any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

LEt me start with saying that my husband is a recovering alcohic and drug abuser and pill head. He's had a tough life and only since we have been together and had kids he has seeked help and is doing really good staying clean. The mood swings are still around though and sometimes those are a liitle hard to ignore. Anyways, my hubby was really close to his famly and has recently lost his father after his mother had already past 2 years earlier. His parents both lived in Arizona and we live in Texas but there wasn't a week that went by with out long confersations on the phone and we visited when we could. HE wanted to move closer to them but I shyed away because that ment moving away from my family and I have never been more than a hour away from my mother. I'm a mommy's girl. So we stay here and he continued his long distance relationshio with his parents. His mother passed away first of COPD, and that was hard. I couldn't imagine losing my mother, I'd freak without a doubt. But we made it through. His father picked up a truck driving job so we saw him often. Then he passed away a year and a half ago and it has been a emotional roller coaster ever since. My hubbies attutide took a turn for the worst and he started using again and got heavily into pills. Only when my grandfather passed did he realize he needed help again. So he called the doctor that once helped with the alcohol and he started the program again. He even put him on meds for his depression. Helps some but never really do they help all the way. Some times I feel like he blames me or recents me cause my parents are still here and I won't move so he could be by his parents. I do regret not moving closer, if I would of only known this would happen the way it did. Anyways, for example on his attitude. Mother's day. I knew he was depressed, of course he would be. We went to my mother's to get clothes so we could go to church with my mother then out to eat. Everything was fine, that morning I got up and tried to wake him so he could get ready, he refused to get up and he was yelling and being very hateful. Everything was fine the night before now he refused to get up so we could go do what was planned. he said he didn't need church and he wanted no part of the happening of that day. I was hurt, and very upset. then he started with his attitude when we had skipped going to church and were just going to go to dinner. But still he was very hateful and said things that were not usually him. Even getting him to go to dinner was pulling teeth, needless to say I was in tears that day. We went to dinner then we spent alittle time with my mom, then we went home and as soon as we got home he went to bed. And we got home at 4 in the afternoon, he slept til the next morning. I just left him alone, I didn't want to continue with the bickering. Anyways, that's one example, there are other's. But this is already a book, so I just need some advice how to handle his mood swings. I know it must be hard to lose your parent but I just can't hhandle him taking it out on me. This only happens every so often, it's not a every day thing. Well please advice on what I should do please, I love this man and he is a great father, I want to know how I can better help him in his time of grief. Thanks

 

[~PICKLE~]

Oh there is more than his parents on his mind, he also hates his job and where we live. I keep trying to tell him money doesn;t matter to me and I don't care if we live in the car as long as we're together. Anyways thanks again any advice

 

[Flipper]

With the sleeping like that after the mood swings - sounds like his depression is in full force. He might need his meds re-adjusted and maybe some one on one counselling to deal better with the death of his parents. Don't know what else to tell you, but I am praying.

 

[~PICKLE~]

He's in this program, it's more like a study. Where he gets a shot in his rear every month to block the recepters in the brain. These certain recepters are the wanting to drink and do pills. DOn't ask me how it works but it does. He can drink and take pain pills but they won't get him drunk or high. He also gets counceling once a months to and a doctor on call when he feels he needs him, all for free!!! That word I like, cause we would be able to afford it if it wasn't. It's a study so they pay him for his time, in the mean time it's doing what he needs at the time. He doesn't think about drinking or the other. But I agree he is majorly depressed, I think I'll call his doc tomorrow and see if I can fill him in. My hubby doesn't want to waste his time. I just wish I knew what I could do, I hate for the kids to see him like this, plus the sleeping constatly. Thanks for your input. HE really is a good guy, I want evryone to understand that, I don't want people thinking he's a total bumm, he's got a good heart but he started off wrong when he got into things when he was young and I think that was the only way he knew how to deal with the bad in life. Also I think he blames God, just some statements he has made and I not so sure what I should do.

 

[charligirl]

Is he a christian? the councelling you have described sounds like it is not christian. It is only the Holy SPirit who has to power to make lasting healing changes in someone's heart. Could you find a specialised christian councellor who can deal with addiction/grief/depression?

There is a book called 'The Power of a praying wife' by Stormie Omartian I really recommend you buy it and pray the prayers over him one a day. The fervent effective prayer of a righteous woman availeth much!!!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

YOu mentioned pain, but what kind of pain is he in?

Yes. Counseling. Good counseling that works through his issues. Sounds like he's got a messy past.

Depression. Depression sucks. I've got a good (and expensive) doctor and he got me on the right meds and the right doses stat. He's awesome. He told me I should feel a significant difference soon. If the med doesn't work, it's not the one for you.

Drugs are a deceiving temptation.

 

[mgutie2002]

I am concerned because you said he is addicted to pills and alcohol. Is he taking pain medication and drinking? I am a social worker. Those two combined is what's making feeding his depression and anger. You and your children need to be careful. He can become even more violent and mean as he continues to use.

You might want to consider taking a whole week in an attempt to pull him out of his depressed state. Getting him out of depression is the first and most important step. Probably the reason he is using drugs and alcohol. Send the kidos to your mother's for a whole week. Take the week off. Do everything you can to get him back into life. You got to get him out of his comfort zone. Sadly, his comfort zone is depression and drugs. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

 

[sarah marie]

I am concerned because you said he is addicted to pills and alcohol. Is he taking pain medication and drinking? I am a social worker. Those two combined is what's making feeding his depression and anger. You and your children need to be careful. He can become even more violent and mean as he continues to use.

You might want to consider taking a whole week in an attempt to pull him out of his depressed state. Getting him out of depression is the first and most important step. Probably the reason he is using drugs and alcohol. Send the kidos to your mother's for a whole week. Take the week off. Do everything you can to get him back into life. You got to get him out of his comfort zone. Sadly, his comfort zone is depression and drugs. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Please prayfully take your cousel with God on the above advice. Depression or drugs alone causes people to act and react in ways they normally wouldn't, such as becoming violent. He's under the control of both! If you ended up in the hospital or dead, it would be little consolation to me that he would be held accountable for his actions despite his condition.

God is more than capable of helping him back to reality. Prayer is powerful!

 

[mgutie2002]

I have seen several cases like this. I have seen that the combination of pain medication and alcohol could enhance his already depressed stated and anger. My advice is just to be careful. I totally agree that prayer is powerful.

 

[~PICKLE~]

Right now and since Oct. of last year my husband has been Pill free, as of 3 years now he has been alcohol free. He is in treatment now and on anti depressiants. But he is still very depressed. At this monent in time he can not turn to alcohol and pills because of this shot that won't allow him to get his high of of them. The name of this med is Naltrexone is is used to block opiates which is another name for some pain meds ans it also blocks alcohol. He can drink but it won't get him drunk, just a bad head ache. I know the mix of the alcohol and pills, believe me been ther done that, ain't no fun but I rode it out and he is really doing good with this program, I'm very proud of him. But he is still very depressed, for several reasons, not having his parents here, where we live and his job, plus him being the youngest and both older brothers are locked up in the penn. HE's got a lot of weight on his shoulders.

 

[sarah marie]

My apologies for my post about depression AND drugs. My personal message was based on your original post. My post above was based on mguties post. My fault for not rereading the OP before posting. I stand by the rest of what I said as I have experienced the weirdness that can occur with depression.

 

[jobob]

First off I want to say I am happily married and in no way am I bashing my hubby. He just has some issues that dampin' our relationship at times and I'd like some advice how to handle these issues when they arise. So any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

LEt me start with saying that my husband is a recovering alcohic and drug abuser and pill head. He's had a tough life and only since we have been together and had kids he has seeked help and is doing really good staying clean. The mood swings are still around though and sometimes those are a liitle hard to ignore. Anyways, my hubby was really close to his famly and has recently lost his father after his mother had already past 2 years earlier. His parents both lived in Arizona and we live in Texas but there wasn't a week that went by with out long confersations on the phone and we visited when we could. HE wanted to move closer to them but I shyed away because that ment moving away from my family and I have never been more than a hour away from my mother. I'm a mommy's girl. So we stay here and he continued his long distance relationshio with his parents. His mother passed away first of COPD, and that was hard. I couldn't imagine losing my mother, I'd freak without a doubt. But we made it through. His father picked up a truck driving job so we saw him often. Then he passed away a year and a half ago and it has been a emotional roller coaster ever since. My hubbies attutide took a turn for the worst and he started using again and got heavily into pills. Only when my grandfather passed did he realize he needed help again. So he called the doctor that once helped with the alcohol and he started the program again. He even put him on meds for his depression. Helps some but never really do they help all the way. Some times I feel like he blames me or recents me cause my parents are still here and I won't move so he could be by his parents. I do regret not moving closer, if I would of only known this would happen the way it did. Anyways, for example on his attitude. Mother's day. I knew he was depressed, of course he would be. We went to my mother's to get clothes so we could go to church with my mother then out to eat. Everything was fine, that morning I got up and tried to wake him so he could get ready, he refused to get up and he was yelling and being very hateful. Everything was fine the night before now he refused to get up so we could go do what was planned. he said he didn't need church and he wanted no part of the happening of that day. I was hurt, and very upset. then he started with his attitude when we had skipped going to church and were just going to go to dinner. But still he was very hateful and said things that were not usually him. Even getting him to go to dinner was pulling teeth, needless to say I was in tears that day. We went to dinner then we spent alittle time with my mom, then we went home and as soon as we got home he went to bed. And we got home at 4 in the afternoon, he slept til the next morning. I just left him alone, I didn't want to continue with the bickering. Anyways, that's one example, there are other's. But this is already a book, so I just need some advice how to handle his mood swings. I know it must be hard to lose your parent but I just can't hhandle him taking it out on me. This only happens every so often, it's not a every day thing. Well please advice on what I should do please, I love this man and he is a great father, I want to know how I can better help him in his time of grief. Thanks

I almost died in 2001 and it was very traumatic for me.
It caused all sorts of mood swings and not really depression but more of a grim type of attitude in me.

I saw I was lashing out at folks sometimes and decided to buy a bunch of rabbits so that when i was feeling this way, i could go out and let them run around the yard doin their little bunny hop dance.......that always fixed me right up...
BUT.....there was also the issue with the exwife (not EX at the time)
During these mood swings I learned just to shut my mouth and get away from anyone to avoud saying anything I would regret later.

I sat my wife down and told her the plan........that if she saw me being really quiet and trying to like get out of the house and out to the barn or sittinig out with the rabbits that i was probly having a swing and to not do anything to cause me to get upset till I let her know it was over...

Im sure youre not like this with your husand, but shed go out of her way sometimes to present me with all sorts of issues at these times even tho i had talked with her and tried to share how i was trying to deal with this.

The only thing in yoiur post that concerned me was you said your husband didnt want to go that morning......it seems he had changed his mind.

I know from my swings that that would have been that way for me at times......and the BEST thing my exwife could have done for my was to give me a hug and tell me she loved me and went without me......no pressure and no comments....

If she had done that, then the resentment in my heart wouldnt have kept building and eventually I would have started equating HER with peace and love in my life instead of one making it all even worse.....

His swings are not YOUR fault......in all honesty, theyre not his either......right now its just a part of his life like it was mine.....
Try to learn to let him get thru them on his own........
If he doesnt want to do something on motherdays.......give him a hug and go alone......
When hes being bitter with you..........stop talking ......tell him you love him and youd love to spend some time with him whens hes ready to.....

Its hard to do sister.....i know ....but in the end hes gonna see you as caring and helpful when he needs you to be......and its gonna make him love you even more.....

 

[sarah marie]

I sat my wife down and told her the plan........that if she saw me being really quiet and trying to like get out of the house and out to the barn or sittinig out with the rabbits that i was probly having a swing and to not do anything to cause me to get upset till I let her know it was over...

......and the BEST thing my exwife could have done for my was to give me a hug and tell me she loved me and went without me......no pressure and no comments....

If she had done that, then the resentment in my heart wouldnt have kept building and eventually I would have started equating HER with peace and love in my life instead of one making it all even worse.....

Amen!!!

When my husband was in that place (the first three years of our marriage) , he tried to communicate this to me. That when he was feeling iritated or just not himself, he needed me to avoid him. It frustrated me to no end. Especially since he was feeling this way more often than not. I felt I would be enabling his depression. I was soooo wrong. It wasn't up to me to pull him out of his depression. It was God's battle and my husband had to work it out with Him. If I had spent the time I was spending trying to snap my husband back into reality in prayer, then God could have begun to work with me on how to be loving during this time. I praise God for being so patient with me and blessing my husband and I with the glorious love affair we now have!

 

[~PICKLE~]

thank you all for your post, it is one week later and this week my hubby has been a sweet heart. Without me knowing he got on the computer and found what I had written and my PM's, and I thought he didn't know how to use a putter. It didn't bother me either, I have nothing to hide, so he can check up on me anytime. When he came out and told me, he admitted he thought I was going to leave. So he did some checkin. He knows my back ground and how when I'm fed up I will do something about it. He has called everyday from work every hour on the hour to make sure I'm still here. What he doesn't understand but should realize after being together 7 years is that I am a very 4 giving person. I will take and take what people give out and through the tears i will still 4 give and everything will be normal within hours or the next day. Which is good and bad cause that hurt builds up and one day I blow. I guess he figured I had enough, and I was going to leave. HE was wrong. If I didn't leave when he was drinking and doin whatever then it's going to take alot more to teee me off.I love this man and all I want to do is help him. I come to far just to leave with a broken heart. HE is a very good man with a very caring heart, somwtimes he cares to much about others and forgets about me, but we had that talk Fri night. THe only way Me and the kids will be put #2 in his life is if GodIs #1. These other people will just have to wait. HE understood finally. You's really understand if you knew where we live. It's like our neighbors can't get along without us, it's werid, grown people can't fix their own TV's or something on their own they always call on him, and don't even ask about the women here, They know know if my door is closed don't knock or your head will be chewed off. I hate to be that way, but they are just getting in the way of "OUR FAMILY". Anyways I went off subject, Thanks for the listening hearts and my time of need.

 

[HigherPraiz]

You know being married everyone goes through mood swings with there spouse especially if they loose a family member. I lost my grandmother at a young age and now I tend to take it out on my husband...Which I know isnt right. But I do. When I do he just leaves me alone or lays in bed with me and keeps me company. I think the only thing you really can do is be there with him...Be there to comfort him. We are both 4 hours from our family. Our parents live in Baltimore and we are just north of Pittsburgh. So I can see the distance thing. But the only thing you can do is be there and try to calm him down, and explain to him that it is life. Everything happens for a reason and wether or not he see's the reason behind all of his lose is another thing. But God intended for it to happen. That is something that he is going to have to deal with now. He has you and your children and your family to keep him company and keep his spirits up. But as his wife and closest companion be there! (Hopefully that helped!!)

 

[mgutie2002]

I agree with higherpraiz. Be there and comfort him. He is blessed to have you as his wife. Just pray and have faith.

 

[kerux]

I just lost my mother very unexpectedly this past December 30. I have been very depressed because of it. Mother's day was VERY hard, add to the fact that her birthday would have been April 25th, didn't help matters much. My doctor has me on Zoloft. My wife can tell when I don't take my meds the way I should. I yell and get very irritated easily. Depression is very rough on a person. I agree with the post earlier that said have the doctor figure out and readjust his meds for depression. I know that when I am taking my meds I am a completely different person in that I feel better about myself instead of fealing as if I am worthless. I also believe that doctor's are one way that God can help people.

 

[~PICKLE~]

Thank you everyone for your comments and I have taken some of the sdvice and put it into action. THings were good for the a week now there back to where they were, I'm praying God will change his attitude towards his job and quit takeing his grief and his frustrations out on me. THe battle has begun I guess. ANyways thanks again!!!!

 

[tonya]

This sounds so much like my guy...he lost his grandfather 5 years ago and it is still hard on him..he associates tjat with ALL people leaving him. For instance..last spring and summer he went through something..and I was patient and took a deep breath and by Fall things were good between us in fact we got alot closer THEN this spring his mood has swung again..he is pushing me away..it is so frustrating..he says why bother to get close to someone b/c they will just leave you anyway...I just pray and love him..I think he needs counseling But he won't go...