Hurting and Scared

[Broken Hearted]

Thursday it will be 2yrs since mom committed suicide. And on top of that just 81/2 months since I lost my brother to suicide. And it still hurts like the day it all happened. I dont know how to get through this safely and Im scared. Ive been working on grieving with my therapist and the 2 past times were the first time I let myself actually cry with someone around since the day it happened. Ive held it all inside for 2yrs now and just more with my brother gone now. And this whole time I blamed myself for it all like it was my FAULT. Never been able to just let it go. Im trying but it HURTS and I do mean HURTS. I never let myself feel grief really I always ran away and drowned my self in alcohol and drugs and Self Harm. I never let myself feel emotions feeling I would lose control or it would make me weak and hurt to bad. I felt so much Love when they were here and ever since they left I couldnt let myself even feel that. Many tried to love me and comfort me through it and I couldnt let myself feel it. I just couldnt and didnt want to feel a thing no more. Not pain not love nothing good or bad.

Im trying to stay strong and for once Im trying to feel trying to grieve for once in life. And yet I want to run. Run like a scared little child away from it all. Im scared that I will fail at it that I will run and go hide behind the numbing to get through the day. Im really at a lost right now trying to do all this and Im just plain out scared on top of hurting and sadness.

I really do miss and LOVE them.

 

[power2theweak]

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry.

 

[Petunia]

It's hard to lose the people you love, and especially hard to lose them the way you did. It seems dark and impossible to get through right now. But continue with your therapy. And in addition, Trust God with your mom and brother. Trust that God knows our every fear and heartache. And that He knew theirs too. And that He is a God of compassion.

Keep looking ahead. Live for the people you've lost. Today is the day my own mom died, 24 years ago. We never get over losing the people we love. But as time goes on, our thoughts of them will not be so much of their suffering, but of the good moments we had with them. The times you will be able to share with your children, and grandchildren. Time will heal the pain. Faith makes us stronger.

 

[goldenviolet]

i remember feeling the same way about my daddy's suicide. he told me to go to hell; then did it. i can't even begin how to exsplaine the pain and torture of guilt and remorse i felt. i was pregnant when this happened. the stress was so huge. my hubby couldn't help. my family was too far away to help. God seemed so far away. and i was very broken. broken and full of such overwelming emotions.

my prayers are going out to you. my mailbox is always open to you. bless your heart.
xo dee

 

[Broken Hearted]

Thank each and everyone of yall.hug:

I can always remember my mom tried it before this last time and I was able to save her. And I asked her I said am I not worth living for and she said no she just didnt even care. And this broke me. And over time she got worse agian and kept talking about it and I was always there to talk her out of it but I asked again am I not worth living for and she just replied the same no she didnt care. And it hurt knowing that I wasnt worth it that someone who loved her with everything I had I gave everything and I mean everything and I just wasnt worth it. And the truth is I wasnt enough this last time was the last chance I had and I wasnt worth it or enough.

 

[Petunia]

It was your mom's illness speaking when she said she didn't care. There wasnt anything you could have done. Her illness took her captive. She's with the Lord now, but she loved you. And she still loves you.

 

[Coralie]

oh Honey.

I'm so sorry about your mom. She didn't mean it angel. She was sick and desperate and broken. You are worth something -- everything. This is the truth, it will never change no matter how you feel or what people say.

I know therapy is so hard. But you are doing an amazing job by pressing through it. Keep going babe, you're going to get through this with God's help. xxx All you need to do is get through one day at a time.

 

[Dark Rabbit]

It was your mom's illness speaking when she said she didn't care. There wasnt anything you could have done. Her illness took her captive. She's with the Lord now, but she loved you. And she still loves you.

It is true.
When I was in the depths of it, deep enough to consider suicide, escaping the pain was all I could think about and care about. It didn't matter if there were family members I deeply cared about who might be scarred, once you get in that deep escaping the pain is all you can think about.

When I am normal and not depressed, I can think of my loved ones and the idea of suicide is sickening. I would never want to inflict that on them. But when I became that depressed I became 'out of my mind.' I didn't think like a normal person, I got a form of 'tunnel vision.' And the people I loved got squeezed out of the main picture.

You Mom loved you, trust me. That time, it was the illness talking when she said those things.

 

[Broken Hearted]

Thank yall so much from the bottom of my heart.