Simplywhy,
Why are you hurt? What has happend to give you such pain? What and who have you lost and why do you see yourself as such a bad person?
I have done some horrible things in my life and desired to die as well, and even attempted to like Youthwalk. But I'm here to tell you, that suicide is not a courageous act, it's a cowardly one-I've been there.
There are not too many places that I haven't been to and seen. Almost anything you can imagine, I've done in my short lifetime. But God's mercy and grace is incredible. I know you say that you hate God, but you must be reaching out for something from Him...what is it? The desires of your heart? An answer to prayer?
God will give you the desires of your heart, but just as Luther says, we must be patient. God's timing is perfect-and he knows what we desire even better than we do. He sees our past, our present, and our future. He will provide us with the desires that will sustain us also in the future, not just for the here and now. Patience... I know it's hard, but patience...
Are you looking for God to answer your prayers? He doesn't always answer them in the way we expect...but there is always an answer, whether the answer is yes, no, or wait...there is always an answer.
I'm divorced through terrible circumstances for over a year...I lost my husband, my friends, home, all my money, most of my belongings, and so much more. Through my prayers, I have presently received the answer of "Wait". Many times the answer "wait" is given through silence in which it feels as if God is not responding. But we can't trust our feelings, and we can't trust our emotions. They are human feelings and emotions, and certainly not trustworthy, but can be deceiving.
Many times the devil plays with those feelings and emotions b/c we are vulnerable and simply human, capable of being fallible in almost every way. I certainly am not perfect or claim to have every answer, but I do claim to have experience, and these are the answers I learned from my experiences.
You are loved, whether you feel it or not, love is love-and truth is truth. The same is true with me as it is with Youthwalk and Luther, if you would like to talk, I'm here-just PM me. We've responded to your cry, which says we love you and would like to be new-found friends. I'm sure we'll all be praying for you-I know I will. Life is hard, but God is good.
