How would you want to be told?

[Boomygrrl]

Hi y'all.
I've got an intriguing question. I thought it made sense to put it under "Struggles by Non-Christians" even though I'm not sure if it really belongs here. It seems like it belongs here more than any other area.

Before the question, here is my background.
I was raised in a Christian home. I was a Christian from the age of a wee-little child until about 17 years old. I basically believed what my family told me, and had no reason to question it. As I got older, I started investigating my faith, reading apologetics, trying to get answers to tough questions, and I actually lost my faith.
Some of my loved ones think I'm a Christian. I feel very dishonest. I came from a fundamentalist Christian household. I've heard how my mother and brother think of non-Christians, and honestly I'm scared of their rejection. I love them, and it pains me that they might not love me once I tell them.
I think they think I'm just not as strong of a Christian as I used to be or that I am questioning aspects of Christianity but not the salvation part, so they really don't understand how much I've grown apart from Christianity.

I have given my lack of faith in Christianity a lot of time, research, "soul" searching (for lack of a better term), and that's at least where I am at this point of my life. Probably will be this way for the rest of my life, but I'm open minded enough to change back if I feel led (led intellectually or by some mysterious way).

Okay, here's my questions.

Should I tell my mother and brother? If so, what should I say? How would you want to be told if you were in this situation? Picture a daughter or sister coming to you and telling you that they aren't a Christian, although for the longest time you thought they were. I know it would be heartbreaking for some of you. Even though I disagree with my mother and brother's beliefs, I still love them so much and don't want to hurt them.

I've posted a similar concern on another site (a non-Christian site). I feel like getting Christians' perspectives on this might be more helpful.

Thanks in advance,

Boomygrrl

 

[tj0316]

I think telling your mother and brother would be the easy part. I believe telling a God who loves you unconditionally that you no longer love Him would be the tough part.
But then again God knows that you will return and your mother may not have that level of faith, so it may be tougher on her. It is written just as the birds migrate back in seasons so will Gods children migrate back to Him in a season. We will be looking for you to come back to the flock and until then may God be with you.
Love and prayers,
TJ

 

[hamishgraham]

I can understand your problem. I too have family members who are devout traditional Christians to whom my beliefs would not qualify for the "christian" title any longer. For me, my pursuit for GOD (whomever and whatever GOD may be) is as strong as ever. From what you write, it seems you have similar feelings.

I don't have answers for you, but hope that part of my story will give you some ideas.

My immediate family all love God greatly, and are thoughful - though still reasonably conservative. I do not hide my beliefs, and know that to be truly honest I must be willing to share my God-experience so that we can all grow. Sometimes we clash on issues (e.g. homosexuality), but usually we can throw around ideas and agree to disagree. It is also means we challenge each other, and get to know each other better.

Some other close family members (such as my Grandmother), would not cope with this honest discussion. I have chosen (however errantly) to be honest about my beliefs, but not actively bring them into discussion.

A few questions for you. Can you separate God and Christianity? This will affect how you perceive your rejection of Christianity. Can your family separate God and Christianity? This will affect how they perceive your rejection of Christianity.

Finally, if you feel your God-experience (leading you away from Christianity) is honest and real - then your family may benefit from seeing a bigger picture of God.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do!!

 

[TheMainException]

I don't know.....I wouldn't wanna bring it up until they say something....and then tell them....don't get angry though...cause they might, but don't get angry back....

I hope this goes okay....

 

[Boomygrrl]

I think telling your mother and brother would be the easy part. I believe telling a God who loves you unconditionally that you no longer love Him would be the tough part.
But then again God knows that you will return and your mother may not have that level of faith, so it may be tougher on her. It is written just as the birds migrate back in seasons so will Gods children migrate back to Him in a season. We will be looking for you to come back to the flock and until then may God be with you.
Love and prayers,
TJ

Okay, I didn't ask what you think. I asked for help about telling my parents or not. You might believe I am going to go back to the flock. That's fine.
For half of my life now, I've rejected Christianity. I'm 34. I rejected at age 17. Every year, I'm getting further and further away, not closer.

So, my dilemma is-- do I continue to live a lie just to keep the peace? do I tell them? and if so, how?

Don't minimize my dilemma by saying that it'll be easier to tell them than to tell God. That might be what you believe, but I find it condescending and unhelpful.

So, my question to you is how would you want a loved one to tell you? would you rather that person pretend because they don't want to cause conflict or would you want that person to be honest with you even if it hurt you immensely?


Boomygrrl

 

[Boomygrrl]

I don't know.....I wouldn't wanna bring it up until they say something....and then tell them....don't get angry though...cause they might, but don't get angry back....

I hope this goes okay....

That's what I've been doing, essentially for 17 years. I feel like I need to do something differently. They don't question my Christianity (or lack thereof) and I"m too chicken to bring it up. My mother and brother are very anti-non-Christians, especially by brother. They will give me the "you're going to hell speech," I can see my mom going to hysterics and worry about my soul (she gets overly emotional). In their minds, they are right and never wrong.

My brother will feel "superior" over me, like he does over other non-Christians. It's possible that he and I will get into a heated argument and not speak to each other again. He already holds resentments towards me and my other brother for us teasing him, even though he teases us. He's very critical of others, but if we bring something up that he does, no matter how tactful we are, he gets very angry and leaves. We don't hear from him for a long time. So, I can see this being a "deal breaker" for him, where he just will write himself off from me. Maybe it'll be a blessing in disguise, but I'm so not looking forward to that.

I'm worried about my mother the most. I think that her heart will be crushed. I think she will so much worry for me. She will be angry but then it'll turn into depression, as she is prone to do. I don't think she can handle this, I don't. But I feel so bad living a lie. I am lying through omission.

But I hear ya about not getting angry back. It'll be hard not to get angry at my brother, as there is already tension between us. Don't get me wrong, I love him a lot. I will have an easier time not getting angry at my mother, but I will feel so bad and guilty for how she is going to respond.
Does that make sense?

Boomygrrl

 

[Boomygrrl]

I can understand your problem. I too have family members who are devout traditional Christians to whom my beliefs would not qualify for the "christian" title any longer. For me, my pursuit for GOD (whomever and whatever GOD may be) is as strong as ever. From what you write, it seems you have similar feelings.

I don't have answers for you, but hope that part of my story will give you some ideas.

My immediate family all love God greatly, and are thoughful - though still reasonably conservative. I do not hide my beliefs, and know that to be truly honest I must be willing to share my God-experience so that we can all grow. Sometimes we clash on issues (e.g. homosexuality), but usually we can throw around ideas and agree to disagree. It is also means we challenge each other, and get to know each other better.

Some other close family members (such as my Grandmother), would not cope with this honest discussion. I have chosen (however errantly) to be honest about my beliefs, but not actively bring them into discussion.

A few questions for you. Can you separate God and Christianity? This will affect how you perceive your rejection of Christianity. Can your family separate God and Christianity? This will affect how they perceive your rejection of Christianity.

Finally, if you feel your God-experience (leading you away from Christianity) is honest and real - then your family may benefit from seeing a bigger picture of God.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do!!

I'm not a liberal Christian, I'm agnostic. I think they would have difficulty if I was a liberal Christian, as they would see that as heresy. But being agnostic, would even be worse in their minds. Good thing I haven't gone completely over to the "dark side" and become atheist.
That would blow their minds!

Boomygrrl

 

[carmi]

Should I tell my mother and brother? If so, what should I say? How would you want to be told if you were in this situation? Picture a daughter or sister coming to you and telling you that they aren't a Christian, although for the longest time you thought they were. I know it would be heartbreaking for some of you. Even though I disagree with my mother and brother's beliefs, I still love them so much and don't want to hurt them.

I imagine they would be sad and it would hurt them. And I imagine they would want to talk to you about it.

A former friend of mine didn't tell me about. Slowly I noticed things and I began to have my doubts. Eventually he came right out with it. What hurt me more was the fact that he was pretending. To this day I don't want to know what he thought while I was talking about the Lord and my belief.

I felt betrayed. Not so much by the fact that he was not a believer but by the fact that he was pretending to be one. I'm not sure whether I make much sense here.

 

[Elembis]

Boomygrll, your story sounds very similar to my own, with one main exception: I told my family just two months after I deconverted (to atheism). It's was just a few weeks ago, and you wanted responses from Christians, but I hope my advice will be valuable nonetheless.

At first, I actually thought about faking it. I figured I could always tell them later, and I didn't want to rush into something that could fracture relationships with the people I love most. However, I've never liked having deep, dark secrets, and I decided it would hurt my family more if they found out years later from someone else, rather than right away from me.

I came out as an agnostic initially, to be gentle. It got the point across - I wasn't a Christian any more. My younger brother (age 14) was a little hurt, my father was concerned, and my mother cried - that hurt, and was the hardest part of the entire deconversion for me. I think we're past all of that now, though, and family life has returned to normalcy (more or less) in just three weeks. (I'm sure their "once-saved-always-saved" belief has helped a great deal.)

I didn't fear rejection, but I expected some alienation, at least at first. I never would have guessed that things would be back to normal (as normal as possible) within three weeks. They even know I'm an atheist now, with the possible exception of my dad (who may have heard from my mom).

Now, to answer your questions.

First, you should tell them. Even if you've concealed your agnosticism from everyone, they may still figure you out, or they may be pretty sure already. Think of how much more pain they'll feel if they have to hear about it second-hand. Also, it will be worse for everyone if you wait several more years to tell them, and your shell might even be straining your relationships even more than the hard truth.

Second, I recommend you say something like this: "<name>, I've done a lot of researching, thinking and soul-searching, and I don't believe in God any more." Saying "I don't really believe" instead would be gentler, but less truthful - you decide.

I hope that helps - feel free to message me with any questions. For your sake and your family's, I hope you decide not to hide any more.

 

[searle29678]

If I were your family, I would want to be told. I think I would be more hurt than angry and I would probably ask a lot of "why?" questions. No matter how well you explain your reasons for feeling the way you do, they probably won't understand if they are true believers. I say that because I don't understand. If they want to pray for you, let them and accept their possible grief. Personally, if you were my child I would want you to tell me. Maybe explain yourself first and then get to the point of how you now believe. Best wishes to you, and I will pray that you come back to the God that loves you. (Like it or not)

 

[Mustaphile]

This is a communication issue really, rather than a faith issue.

I would say be honest and tell them what you think.

I can give you this small bit of advice on communication. It's called the 'broken record' technique. It helps you to assert your position without having to make excuses for yourself as each objection is raised.

1. State your position, and give you reason for taking this postion.
2. Listen to the objection.
3. Acknowledge that they have an objection, then restate your reason for taking this postion.
4. Listen to the objection.
5 Acknowledge the objection, then restate your reason for taking this postion.
6. Go back to step 2. Rinse and repeat.

Example of dialoge.

YOU: Mom, I don't consider myself a christian anymore, because I can't honestly say I believe in God anymore.

MOM: But darling how can you not believe in God.

YOU: I know you find it hard to accept, but I can't honestly say I believe in God anymore. I really don't want to argue with you about it. I just want you to know how I feel about this.

MOM: But you might end up in Hell if you don't believe in God!

YOU: I know you fear for my salvation, Mom, but I can't honestly say I believe in God anymore. I really don't want to argue with you about it. I just want you to know how I feel about this.

MOM: Your father is going to freak out about this.

YOU: I know Dad will be upset, but I can't honestly say I believe in God anymore. I really don't want to argue with you about it. I just want you to know how I feel about this.

MOM: Do you love your Dad?

YOU: Yes

MOM: Then why are you doing this?

YOU: I know your upset about his Mom, but I can't honestly say I believe in God anymore. I really don't want to argue with you about it. I just want you to know how I feel about this.

MOM: Why won't you talk to me about this?

YOU: I really don't want to argue with you about it. I just want you to know how I feel about this.

MOM: God is real, darling. Your just going through a passing phase aren't you?

YOU: I can't honestly say I believe in God anymore. I really don't want to argue with you about it. I just want you to know how I feel about this.


Now this is a simplification of the process. What you are seeking to avoid is having to answer every objection made by the other person to change you position without having to create a new reason for every objection. Additionally your trying to avoid having to back down from your assertion that this is your position, without taking an aggressive stance. Your drawing a line, over which the other person is not allowed to cross. You have presented them with a reason, and they have to accept that reason. It's not necessary for you to justify that reason to them. It simply a thing they need to accept. If you would like some more coaching on this I can give you some assistance. The best way to get good at it, is to practice with a friend beforehand. Have them raise objections and practice acknowledging the objection, and restating your reason again.

 

[hamishgraham]

I'm not a liberal Christian, I'm agnostic. I think they would have difficulty if I was a liberal Christian, as they would see that as heresy. But being agnostic, would even be worse in their minds. Good thing I haven't gone completely over to the "dark side" and become atheist.
That would blow their minds!

Boomygrrl

I realise you're agnostic, though I don't think the "agnostic" or "liberal christian" labels are important. I was hoping my experiences may help.

I still reckon that truth has the power to build relationships - anything less can only lead to loss of trust when the truth really does come out. I know it is the riskier option, but it's still no reason to avoid it.

 

[Ray1956]

Hi, Boomgrrl. I was just curious, what happened to you to cause you to question your faith?

 

[JJB]

Boomygrl,

I suggest you tell your family the way you posted it in the first paragraph or two of your OP. Be honest and tell them why you hesitated to tell them, and that you don't want to be double-faced with them. They will struggle with it, but then you will be free from the feelings of falseness that you are experiencing.

I know if it was my family members, I'd want them to be honest with me.

Of course, all this said I don't know your family.

 

[Lovesherald]

Well, in my opinion, your family probably already knows. Unless you've specifically told them I am a Christian and I still believe or you talk about Christianity a lot then they know. You and my sister are in the same boat. If your family is true to their Christian roots they won't disown you or be angry with you. They might speak about God more often when you're around or pray for your salvation more often. You can't lose any more by telling them. I mean, if God can love the lost, can't your family? Pray everything goes well.

 

[by pure grace]

Hi!
You know what?
I don't really believe that your family live a so called 'Christian life' from what you have described.
I actually think in some ways you are doing a better job than them in that you say you still love them and you don't want to hurt their feelings. You say that your family don't like non-Christians. That's not what Jesus teaches AT ALL! He told us to love the unlovable. He told us to love our enemies. He told us to love our neighbour as ourselves!

Perhaps you family believe in Jesus that He is God's Son and died for their salvation, but in what you have shared, they follow some religious rules that man has made up.
No wonder that you don't want to follow their ways , and good on you!!

Jesus also said that everyone that says:Not everyone who says to me: "Lord, Lord" will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but only he who does the WILL of My Father who is in heaven.
This means that we as Christians (which should mean: those who follow Christ) can't just do as we please and than say: Hallelujah, praise the Lord'! We need to follow Jesus example! We need to do HIS WILL in our actions.
The New Testament is full of great examples of this kind of behaviour and Jesus was really upset with these kind of 'religious' stuff!
Perhaps you can challenge their behaviour?

Regarding your question about telling them. If you can tell them in a way that will express how much you love them but want to be truthful to them at the same time, go ahead. Until then..wait for inspiration.

I'll be praying for you to do the right thing!

 

[Sketcher]

I would want to know. I mean, if someone I thought was saved wasn't, died, and I found out, I would be very upset. If I knew, I could at least pray for them. I don't know how your family will react, so I cannot speak for them. But if they are worth their salt as Christians and as family, they won't kick you out or treat you like an outsider. After all, you are family. I am praying both for your family and your search.

 

[Johnnz]

Hi,

You have outgrown your religious upbringing. Your faith needed a more substantial basis for it. Many fundamentalist churches require belief without much foundation, a sort of 'have faith in faith' stance.

You need not remain agnostic. But this will require geting some good information. There is plenty available. You don't need to bury your brain to be a Christian.

Two thought provoking books by Lee Strobel are good exampels of the reasons and reasonableness of Christian belief - The Case for Christ,and The Case for A Creator.

John
NZ

 

[Godless Pirate]

YOU: I can't honestly say I believe in God anymore. I really don't want to argue with you about it. I just want you to know how I feel about this.

What mustaphile is saying is great advice. This phrase is worth its weight in gold. Er, if phrases had weight, you know. Maybe if it was chiseled on a stone tablet. Darn it all!

But this is definitely a very good way to approach things, in my opinion.

Okay, I didn't ask what you think. I asked for help about telling my parents or not. You might believe I am going to go back to the flock. That's fine.
For half of my life now, I've rejected Christianity. I'm 34. I rejected at age 17. Every year, I'm getting further and further away, not closer.

I am surprised to see you've been "in the closet" for this long. I will admit freely that I'm younger than you, still in my 20s, but I was fortunate enough to have dealt with this specific problem pretty well. My advice then, taken with a grain of salt, would be to tell them when the time is appropriate, tell them gently and respectfully, but no matter what, remain hard and fast about what you're saying. Once, I dishonestly backslided into Christianity because of pressures and such, and I regretted it very much. It only made things that much harder on my family. Good luck!

 

[BlackRain]

i would want to know!! yes, i'd be hurt but then i'd get over it after a while. it's good to be straight up about what you believe. after hiding it for so long it might be a little tense, but i would tell your family. how? i have no idea!! can't help you there.