How will I know?

[selah139]

I'm not divorced or separated. A couple of days ago I was certain I would be. I usually have peace in the midst of just about anything, but it's not there in this area. My husband is not a solid believer. we are definitely unequally yoked and it's caused a number of issues in our nearly 20-year marriage. Last week I found out that he'd started growing marijuana in our home; we have 2 teens who knew he was considering it and told him it was a BAD idea. He has been unemployed for over 2 years; he went to school for nursing (and graduated successfully) but then last summer our world fell apart. All 4 of us are still processing the events of last summer, but it seems like, in my husband's view, everything happened to him. He got in trouble with the law because of a horrible incident with our daughter and as a result couldn't take his boards or get a job in any health-related field. He's on self-probation until later in the summer and just started a 3rd shift factory job today; he had interviewed for an upper-level management position earlier in the year and we all thought he had it, but his background prevented it. I know he blames me and our daughter for what happened, though it was his actions which he's being "punished" for. We've sunk fairly deep into debt, though God has been so faithful to provide for us through my job. The marijuana was my husband's way to help us dig our way out; he never seemed to give any thought to how much trouble he could get in or the fact that we all begged him not to do it.

My family and his have told me over the years that they would understand if I left him. My father-in-law is a retired pastor, so I don't take his words lightly. Our poor kids have gotten polar opposite examples of how to live. They are both at ages where they are experimenting with alcohol and marijuana and see nothing wrong with "messing around" with the opposite sex. I told my husband repeatedly that both of them needed the same message from their parents as they were growing up - now that we're seeing some things come to pass, he's realizing I was right. I don't lord that over him, but there is a part of me that's both sad and bitter that he didn't just try to work as a team.


God has always given me a solid peace through the past 20 years; there are many more stories that would paint a clearer picture of me and him and maybe sharing them would make it easy for someone to tell me what they think is right for me to do. I know there's a danger in asking too many people for advice, though. I haven't felt a "release" from my marriage, but should I? My husband won't leave me, so if anything is going to change (other than him, which I have a hard time imagining) it will be by my actions.

Sorry this is so long. I guess I'm feeling lost, alone and hoping for a little insight from someone who doesn't have a vested interest in what I do. Thanks!

 

[McScribe]

The hardest thing about our lives as Christians is maintaining a real perspective, which is that the trials we go through are because of the way the world is. Sometimes it is simply because the world is fierce--disasters, weather, and social systems simply are there, have existed for the longest time and offer terrors and temptations all on their own. The other part of it is of course our own nature. We have a tendency, like children, to believe what is in front of our faces rather than to maintain a wise perspective of what we don't know and what is beyond us, past or future. And of course there is the Devil, who manipulates these things from time to time to provoke our flesh to forget who we are under God and in Christ.

Having said all this, I don't know what direction you have tried to give your marriage. All I can say is that I pray for peace to be restored for you. I know it's hard not to feel bitter when all that it would have taken was some thoughtfulness and teamwork. But we all struggle with ignorance, we all believe things based on what we have known. People compliment me on my calm spirit now; it barely existed when I was younger. Remember that the forgiveness you give him is like the forgiveness God gives you--think of all the foolish, unwise, hateful and regrettable things you have done, realizing that God has forgiven all of them with each moment of repentance, and go from there with your husband, show him the same love that God shows you.

And don't hesitate to share here, or in the women's only section or wherever you feel is most safe and appropriate.

 

[selah139]

Thanks so much. I spent a couple of days in near silence after learning about the marijuana. He didn't pursue any conversation with me, which, of course fueled my hurt and anger. I didn't pray about or for him, which has happened more than once in our marriage. After some time, I reached a point where I thought about the fact that he would soon be working at a job that would push him to every limit physically, psychologically and emotionally. That thought broke my heart and reminded me of my love for him - my very imperfect love for a man who gave me two wonderful children and an "interesting" and challenging life that I never would've had if I'd gotten any kind of glipmse into the future (since I tend to be a play-it-safe pragmatist). God has worked in my life through these quiet moments which give me the chance to either yield or stay cold inside. Often I'm haunted with the fear that I'm just a sap who won't face reality and walk away for my "good" and that of the kids. But I can tell you that when I reached out to him the other night and extended a little grace, it felt right all the way to my core. If that isn't from God, then I'm a fool.

Thank you for telling me what my family and friends won't (or can't). I know they love me and the kids and worry about us. They have reason to take my husband's behavior and actions personally, so their advice to me is always colored by past experiences.

 

[Conservativation]

I'm not divorced or separated. A couple of days ago I was certain I would be. I usually have peace in the midst of just about anything, but it's not there in this area. My husband is not a solid believer. we are definitely unequally yoked and it's caused a number of issues in our nearly 20-year marriage. Last week I found out that he'd started growing marijuana in our home; we have 2 teens who knew he was considering it and told him it was a BAD idea. He has been unemployed for over 2 years; he went to school for nursing (and graduated successfully) but then last summer our world fell apart. All 4 of us are still processing the events of last summer, but it seems like, in my husband's view, everything happened to him. He got in trouble with the law because of a horrible incident with our daughter and as a result couldn't take his boards or get a job in any health-related field. He's on self-probation until later in the summer and just started a 3rd shift factory job today; he had interviewed for an upper-level management position earlier in the year and we all thought he had it, but his background prevented it. I know he blames me and our daughter for what happened, though it was his actions which he's being "punished" for. We've sunk fairly deep into debt, though God has been so faithful to provide for us through my job. The marijuana was my husband's way to help us dig our way out; he never seemed to give any thought to how much trouble he could get in or the fact that we all begged him not to do it.

My family and his have told me over the years that they would understand if I left him. My father-in-law is a retired pastor, so I don't take his words lightly. Our poor kids have gotten polar opposite examples of how to live. They are both at ages where they are experimenting with alcohol and marijuana and see nothing wrong with "messing around" with the opposite sex. I told my husband repeatedly that both of them needed the same message from their parents as they were growing up - now that we're seeing some things come to pass, he's realizing I was right. I don't lord that over him, but there is a part of me that's both sad and bitter that he didn't just try to work as a team.


God has always given me a solid peace through the past 20 years; there are many more stories that would paint a clearer picture of me and him and maybe sharing them would make it easy for someone to tell me what they think is right for me to do. I know there's a danger in asking too many people for advice, though. I haven't felt a "release" from my marriage, but should I? My husband won't leave me, so if anything is going to change (other than him, which I have a hard time imagining) it will be by my actions.

Sorry this is so long. I guess I'm feeling lost, alone and hoping for a little insight from someone who doesn't have a vested interest in what I do. Thanks!

There is no such thing as this "release" from marriage I hear a lot in Christian women circles these days.

If you need to divorce, divorce, but dont ask for and think you receive "release"....its simply a made up thing.

Im not an anti divorce extremist....I do think you ahve lots of reason to not divorce......but i caution you on the "release" thing......RUN from that kind of teaching, God is not an appeals court where He finally says after much asking, "Oh OK OK OK, I release you"

 

[selah139]

Thanks, Con. I tend to think about this the way you do, but I also wonder how any person of faith gets to a place where they stop believing in the marriage that may very well be (long) dead and start moving in another direction. Are you suggesting that a person stay in a marriage until their spouse divorces them? I doubt that you are, but then isn't the alternative taking some kind of active role in divorcing? I don't see how that happens until/unless a believer feels "it's time" - this is what I meant by the idea of "release".

I guess my issue now is confusion over what my role is supposed to be - do I continue to work at my marriage regardless of what takes place in my home? I think of 1 Cor 13:7 "[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I've held to this mindset of hope and perseverance for almost 20 years and it still feels like the right approach. The trust isn't as deep as it once was, though, and I feel very torn when it comes to what I'm potentially subjecting the kids to by staying with him. If he insists on growing pot on our property and is discovered, we could potentially lose our home and custody of our 16-year-old daughter, he could do jail time and I could face consequences at my job of 18 years. (If I knew nothing about it all, maybe it would be different, but that's not the case....) He's already had a deferred judgement for tax evasion (several years ago) and is currently under self-probation for something that happened this summer. If he doesn't keep his nose clean, that judgement will turn into a conviction and he will be a felon.

As I said, I don't envision him walking away. I know I'm to trust God first and foremost but it's not crystal clear to me whether that trust equates to staying in my marriage at the possible (likely?) expense of my and my children's well-being.

 

[citizenthom]

Cons is 100% right about divorce: it is neither Biblical in your situation nor a solution. But there are situations where one spouse would be wise to move out of the house with the other for a time and tried to reconcile from afar. Physical abuse is one example. And when one spouse is breaking the law flagrantly in the house, I would say that's another.

The problem is this: your spouse is not only sinning by breaking the law, but forcing you to sin as well. Because that marijuana is in your home, you are in legal possession of it. And you could be charged with much, much worse. The Bible tells us that Christians are to obey the law; and your remaining in the house with an illegal substance--and keeping your children there as well--violates our country's laws in both letter and spirit.

This is a situation where leaving the home is absolutely merited. Make it clear why you are leaving and that you will not return unless the illegal activity stops.

 

[manuel75]

The problem is this: your spouse is not only sinning by breaking the law, but forcing you to sin as well. Because that marijuana is in your home, you are in legal possession of it. And you could be charged with much, much worse. The Bible tells us that Christians are to obey the law; and your remaining in the house with an illegal substance--and keeping your children there as well--violates our country's laws in both letter and spirit.

Yeah! I agree with your comment thom.