Yes, its a vicious loop though i can say the abuse is definitely lessening (if such a thing can be considered.) So maybe given time, God may lead him back on the right path. Like i said, we are presently separated so nothing to fear by way of abuse.
I have drawn a very firm line regards abuse and it may very well be me who sees to it that it doesnt escalate with me or our son physically there rather than him changing but i dont know for sure. My mind isnt made up and I am praying for guidance too.
Here's the thing though... Saying that the abuse is lessened means little in the grand scheme of things when it shouldn't exist at all. It's like being happy that instead of being pushed down 20 stairs, he now pushes you down 10. The fact that he pushed you at all is where the issue lies. If your job is a wife is to be that of a bouncer, where you see it as your job to prevent the abuse from escalating or being inflicted on your son should your husband come back, then what you have isn't a functional marriage. No spouse's job should be to make sure the other isn't harming the family in a way that basic common sense is most people is inappropriate. Wives worry about taking care of their families, providing, creating a nurturing environment, they think about things like getting the kids to school or what to do for their husband's birthday... They don't say "I can prevent his abuse if I just make sure I follow the rules." The fact that you're even entertaining the idea of waiting to give it another shot shows that, while you're safe now, the right words later and you'll be in the same place you were before.
I'm so sorry, but I've worked with battered women, and battered women aren't just physically abused, they're also women who've been mentally abused. I'm so, so, so sorry to say this, but you sound like every battered woman I've ever, ever worked with in my entire life. A woman who's a fixer by nature, a nurturer to a fault, who just wants to make sure everything is OK. Fear that by saying it's not and taking steps to protect yourself, that either you're inviting more abuse, or you're admitting to the world you've failed. Or, for some women, the fear of outing their husband as an abuser. This almost crippling fear being perceived as a quitter, a failure for walking away, or for doing what you have to do, personally or legally, to make sure you're safe. That your family is safe. You take the small, insignificant things, and turn them into victories... "He said he wouldn't do it anymore." "Before, he would have done X, but now he only does Y." "I told him he has to treat me well and he said he will." Or, I kid you not, the most common "He's getting better." and "I've laid down the law, he knows if he does it again, he's done."
The fact is, if he knew you were serious, he wouldn't have done it twice, three times, four times... It would have been a fluke instead of a trend, a cycle, or something you have to accommodate or ask others if it'll ever change. He knows you're still going to take him back this time, and he knows when he abuses you again, you'll take him back next time as long as he promises to never do it again, even if neither of you don't believe it.
The single strongest thing you can do as a woman and a mother is to really put your foot down, say no more, and march yourself to court to get your rights protected. To get the rights of your child protected. It's freaking hard to muster up the courage to do it, to make a real stand, to put your money where your mouth is and say "NO, this time I mean it... Last chance, you're done." I'm not even joking when I've seen women reduced to incoherent tears over it... And that's how before, everybody knows the other times, when you were "serious" about it never happening again... You allowed some wiggle room. Now, you're serious.
If you want any semblance of normal life, with or without him, you have to prove to everybody, yourself, himself, your son, that this time, you're deadly serious. That this time, you're going to make sure it doesn't happen again. You get a lawyer that helps women who're in marriages such as yours, you get a DVP, which can apply to non-physical abuse, you get no-contact orders, you structure mediation, you do something that says "here is what you have to do to earn your way back into the family." He'll never straighten out on his own, he'll need a motivator to do it, and this will be the big tell... He'll either see the steps you've taken and know that the cycle is now officially broken, he needs to make a choice on either manning up or getting out, or he'll freak the heck out, hate you, be livid over the steps you took, and never want to have anything to do with you again... In which case, as painful as it sounds, you then have proof that there was no way on earth that he ever, ever was going to change. You were going to be another stop in a constant cycle from now until he died.
Either way, you either have your life back, and you'll know for sure if when he says he's serious it'll never happen again, that it really won't. Then instead of having a crap, abusive father to look up to, your son will have the most amazing, the strongest, the fiercest mother to look up to... A woman who says that you will treat a woman like a woman, you will love your wife as a husband should, that your relationship will be modeled after the love that God has for all of us, and if not, she'll step up like a warrior to do what she has to do to keep herself and her family safe.
1−800−799−SAFE(7233) is the phone number of the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. They give the most fabulous advice and support, with women who've been there, done that. Even if you're calling to talk, talk to them. You'll find they're a fabulous resource.
PS... i read somewhere that you are training for a marathon TW. Hows it going?[/quote]
Really well, thanks for asking. I can now run at a decent trot for 5 miles, pretty good for somebody who was so ill that walking was a trick some days.
