How to Survive a Sexless Christian Marriage?

[chevyontheriver]

I got him to take Glycine before bed and now he sleeps really well. But work and stress just exhausts him overall.

Melatonin has been helpful for me falling asleep faster.

Stress is a huge killer of desire. So is exhaustion. If it’s chronic I imagine he’s miserable. My wife once demanded I quit a miserable job, which I did. It was a big financial sacrifice over many years but sanity came back into my life. Your husband may need that. Consider rescuing him.

 

[Paidiske]

You've already been given a lot to think about, and there's not a lot I can add to that, but I am just wondering... you mentioned having a large family, and the stress of his work in providing for that large family.

Is it possible that part of the issue is concern about another child? I don't know what your practices have been with regard to family planning, but I know that for some spouses, not wanting another child becomes a big block to sexual intimacy.

 

[Ana83]

You've already been given a lot to think about, and there's not a lot I can add to that, but I am just wondering... you mentioned having a large family, and the stress of his work in providing for that large family.

Is it possible that part of the issue is concern about another child? I don't know what your practices have been with regard to family planning, but I know that for some spouses, not wanting another child becomes a big block to sexual intimacy.

A very good point for sure. But it’s not a possibility with us. He had a vasectomy over ten years ago — most of our children are adopted.

 

[Ana83]

Melatonin has been helpful for me falling asleep faster.

Stress is a huge killer of desire. So is exhaustion. If it’s chronic I imagine he’s miserable. My wife once demanded I quit a miserable job, which I did. It was a big financial sacrifice over many years but sanity came back into my life. Your husband may need that. Consider rescuing him.

Thank you. I’ll think on that more.

 

[riesie]

I’m completely new here and not even sure I’m posting in the right place.

Today, I decided to join this site just so that I can see if there is someone out there to talk to. Or if someone can understand and offer insight. I’ve never even used a forum, though I’ve read MANY on this topic over the years. But my heart is in my throat and each day I feel like I can’t breathe........

Dear @Ana83
I must say, I recognize a lot in your story. I haven't had sex in more than seven years. I know sex isn't the most important thing but sometimes it's really killing me. I always had a very high sex drive and was (back then) frustrated that it didn't match my wifes (except for the real beginning). From the moment my wife got pregnant it was over. I feel so terribly lonely and don't see any way out because God hates divorce and it would disastrous for my daughter if we'd part. So I'm stuck in a sexless marriage cage. My wife had a abusive history so I can't really blame her. Sometime I think God doesn't want me to be happy but just to endure or something? To be a light version of Job? I don't know. I've struggled with depression my whole life and this isn't helping to put it lightly. What I'm trying to say is that I don't have a solution but, even though it's a different story, I think I understand. And sometimes it's a slight comfort knowing when your not alone. So God bless you and I will pray for you in Jesus name!!!

All the best, keep strong,
Richard

 

[Ana83]

Dear @Ana83
I must say, I recognize a lot in your story. I haven't had sex in more than seven years. I know sex isn't the most important thing but sometimes it's really killing me. I always had a very high sex drive and was (back then) frustrated that it didn't match my wifes (except for the real beginning). From the moment my wife got pregnant it was over. I feel so terribly lonely and don't see any way out because God hates divorce and it would disastrous for my daughter if we'd part. So I'm stuck in a sexless marriage cage. My wife had a abusive history so I can't really blame her. Sometime I think God doesn't want me to be happy but just to endure or something? To be a light version of Job? I don't know. I've struggled with depression my whole life and this isn't helping to put it lightly. What I'm trying to say is that I don't have a solution but, even though it's a different story, I think I understand. And sometimes it's a slight comfort knowing when your not alone. So God bless you and I will pray for you in Jesus name!!!

All the best, keep strong,
Richard

Richard,
I was going to reply privately to you, but it seems I do not have the option as I am new to this site/forum. So, this is public. Oh well.

In all honesty, your response means the most. I truly appreciate all that the others have so graciously shared and their suggestions for help. But yours is perhaps the response I unknowingly needed most. Not advice, but confirmation that I am not alone. As you know, this issue is enormously isolating. We get married in order to not be alone, and to find ourselves rejected and seemingly alone is an especially brutal blow.

Thank you. Thank you for exposing a familiar hurt. I, too, have struggled with depression and chronic loneliness my entire life. I am grateful for your prayers and will say a prayer for you tonight, brother.

-Wendy

 

[riesie]

Richard,
I was going to reply privately to you, but it seems I do not have the option as I am new to this site/forum. So, this is public. Oh well.

In all honesty, your response means the most. I truly appreciate all that the others have so graciously shared and their suggestions for help. But yours is perhaps the response I unknowingly needed most. Not advice, but confirmation that I am not alone. As you know, this issue is enormously isolating. We get married in order to not be alone, and to find ourselves rejected and seemingly alone is an especially brutal blow.

Thank you. Thank you for exposing a familiar hurt. I, too, have struggled with depression and chronic loneliness my entire life. I am grateful for your prayers and will say a prayer for you tonight, brother.

-Wendy

@Ana83 Oh, by the way, I sent you a DM.
All the best,
Richard

 

[Mj82]

Wow, this resonates so much with me. I completely understand the isolating feeling, and just the devastation of feeling rejected. The first few years of marriage were amazing in the sex (and general physical closeness) area. After having our 2nd child, my wife really struggled with postpartum. We didn't have sex for about 1 year. While I did my best to support her through that time, I was in absolute turmoil as well, but if I were to ever bring up the subject, there was no compassion for me whatsoever. Fast forward 11 years, and we only have sex maybe once every 1 or two months. To me it is soul crushing.

I 1000% agree with what you said about not understanding why she doesn't try for my sake, even though she may not be in the mood herself. She says sex is supposed to be mutual, and so she will do nothing. I do get that and would never force anyone to do anything they don't want. But....I just can't wrap my head around why she never wants to, even if the sole reason was because i desire that.

Well, @Ana83 you are not alone. Feel free to DM me. I'm new here, so unfortunately I can't.

 

[Texasman 76]

Dear @Ana83
I must say, I recognize a lot in your story. I haven't had sex in more than seven years. I know sex isn't the most important thing but sometimes it's really killing me. I always had a very high sex drive and was (back then) frustrated that it didn't match my wifes (except for the real beginning). From the moment my wife got pregnant it was over. I feel so terribly lonely and don't see any way out because God hates divorce and it would disastrous for my daughter if we'd part. So I'm stuck in a sexless marriage cage. My wife had a abusive history so I can't really blame her. Sometime I think God doesn't want me to be happy but just to endure or something? To be a light version of Job? I don't know. I've struggled with depression my whole life and this isn't helping to put it lightly. What I'm trying to say is that I don't have a solution but, even though it's a different story, I think I understand. And sometimes it's a slight comfort knowing when your not alone. So God bless you and I will pray for you in Jesus name!!!

All the best, keep strong,
Richard

Richard,

I am in the same situation (I am Richard as well). Perhaps we can chat some.

 

[Me too]

Dear Ana83

Never been on a forum in my life& have never made a post.

I just wanted you to know: I feel like I wrote that post. Word for word. Minus the ED.

I have not a single word of advice. I just registered to come on here to say- you are not alone. You are not crazy. Your needs are not unimportant. You are not selfish. Your desires are not 'worldly'.

You posted on here to get hope that hanging in there will be worth it in the end. Dear Ana83...I hope so. I am hanging on the same thread.

Not sure how forums work but wish I could send you a text now to say: you are not alone. God loves you. He sees your tears. And mine. That's all I know and some days it provides enough comfort. Some days it doesn't and the loneliness seems unbearable.

 

[riesie]

Dear Ana83

Never been on a forum in my life& have never made a post.

I just wanted you to know: I feel like I wrote that post. Word for word. Minus the ED.

I have not a single word of advice. I just registered to come on here to say- you are not alone. You are not crazy. Your needs are not unimportant. You are not selfish. Your desires are not 'worldly'.

You posted on here to get hope that hanging in there will be worth it in the end. Dear Ana83...I hope so. I am hanging on the same thread.

Not sure how forums work but wish I could send you a text now to say: you are not alone. God loves you. He sees your tears. And mine. That's all I know and some days it provides enough comfort. Some days it doesn't and the loneliness seems unbearable.

Thank you dear sister, may God bless you and keep you filled with His spirit!

 

[Jayhawk91]

This is an older thread, but wanted to jump in and say "us too" The past few years things have really fallen apart for our marriage in this area. Intimacy has dropped off a cliff & now it's almost non-existent. We were pretty solid the first 20 years with at least 2-3 times per week, but now almost nothing. My wife is very unstable at times and has threatened me with divorce, physically abusive me me at times, tells me she hates me all the time, etc. We are in a dangerous spot .

 

[riesie]

This is an older thread, but wanted to jump in and say "us too" The past few years things have really fallen apart for our marriage in this area. Intimacy has dropped off a cliff & now it's almost non-existent. We were pretty solid the first 20 years with at least 2-3 times per week, but now almost nothing. My wife is very unstable at times and has threatened me with divorce, physically abusive me me at times, tells me she hates me all the time, etc. We are in a dangerous spot .

Hi @Jayhawk91 , so horrible to hear this. I recognize so much in your post. We've tried marriage counseling, sexual counseling, nothing. We get along as long there are no big decisions to be made. Very lonesome. I just pray. Take care. Maybe it helps a teeny tiny bit to know your not alone.
God bless,
Richard

 

[Ana83]

Dear Ana83

Never been on a forum in my life& have never made a post.

I just wanted you to know: I feel like I wrote that post. Word for word. Minus the ED.

I have not a single word of advice. I just registered to come on here to say- you are not alone. You are not crazy. Your needs are not unimportant. You are not selfish. Your desires are not 'worldly'.

You posted on here to get hope that hanging in there will be worth it in the end. Dear Ana83...I hope so. I am hanging on the same thread.

Not sure how forums work but wish I could send you a text now to say: you are not alone. God loves you. He sees your tears. And mine. That's all I know and some days it provides enough comfort. Some days it doesn't and the loneliness seems unbearable.

I am so sorry you’re living through the same. Thank you for responding.

 

[Ana83]

Sorry, I haven’t logged on here in months. I’ll probably delete my account sometime soon anyway.

It is clear that far too many marriages are suffering this kind of silent death. Mine continues to rot. I haven’t so much as received a kiss since December. Never in a million years did I think this would be my life. I’ve read so many responses and messages - people offering solid advice and wisdom. And I’ve honestly tried it all. But, nothing ‘works’ if my husband doesn’t want it to.

The saddest part of all is that my teenage children are getting a very skewed image of marriage. I don’t even know if they notice something is terribly wrong, because this must be what they think is normal. When they were little, my husband and I would kiss and be romantic in front of them. But there has been nothing for years now. All of my waning energy now goes toward trying not to appear to them as deeply depressed as I am. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Advice is truly useless at this point, so I am no longer asking. But, to those who have responded in my absence, I’ve read your messages. I hear you.

God help us.

 

[mama2one]

That’s a good idea and one I’ve thought about. Honestly, the cost of counseling would probably just give him more financial stress. So I’m afraid I would feel l would be burdening him more.

have you even asked him about counseling?
you're only 39, it's time to ask him & then go!

 

[mama2one]

He has talked to three doctors about it. He doesn’t want to go the pharmaceutical route for his overall health and I agree with him.

taking a little pill for help is not going to affect his overall health; sounds like an excuse to me!

 

[pdudgeon]

This is both a physical, mental, emotional, and psychological problem, and both of you will be involved in the solution.
But the first step is for him to get a complete physical exam, focusing first on the restoration of the blood flow in his pelvic region.
When the veins are blocked, or if he has a specific malformation, having difficulties can be the natural result.
The good news is that both problems can be corrected!
Additionally his hormone levels need to be checked.
If they are low, with medication, they can be brought back to normal.
And lastly, his psychological problems need to be delt with.
It is indeed possible that he has either knowingly or unknowingly accepted ideas into his head and his life that have adversely contributed to this problem.
His previous family medical and emotional history could also be a large part of his problems. So both you and the doctor will need to explore that with him, to see what his family's attitude towards married sex was about, and especially his earliest memories when he was a child of his father's sexuality.

A very good point for sure. But it’s not a possibility with us. He had a vasectomy over ten years ago — most of our children are adopted.

And another tie in could be his unexpected psychological reaction to that vasectomy.
Sometimes men don't know about how the unexpected loss of those hormones can affect them.
So if your husband didn't have a medical briefing on what to expect, post surgery, or was not offered a prescription to restore the loss of hormones, the shock of their sudden loss could be what's behind his withdrawal.
Think of it as a man's version of a woman's " Change of Life", where the hormones are suddenly shut down.

That could be the medical reason for many of his changes that you are seeing.
So get him to a doctor and get his hormone levels checked.

 

[GracefulWarrior]

@Ana83 Hi and Thank You for Sharing...Welcome to the CF!

First off, please don't delete your acct. or leave either, you've touched on a VERY sensitive issue that is no stranger to a few married couples and you've already helped many that are going through this same situation in their marriage! I wasn't planning on NOT coming in here when I read your title "Sexless Marriage" and scrolling pass it, BUT I felt a tug on my heart to do so, especially when the Holy Spirit prompted me to read your testimony here. My response, "Oh God, does this mean I'll have to share my testimony?!" Oh boy, where to start?!

We got married in '98, our sex life was off the charts back then, at least 5 times a day, once we counted up to 10 in one day!

Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006, went through 36 radiation treatments while taking the oral meds too, and that took a toll on our sex life or lack of, due to the side-effects of the treatment, etc...We struggled through that, but sex became less and less.

Then in Oct. 2015, an SUV driver hit us off our motorcycle, which left me held up in the hospital for about 2-3 weeks and another 2-3 weeks or so in rehab, I didn't return back home till Dec...My left leg was broken, my knee cap shattered, messed up my hips and back, I couldn't use my leg for almost 6 mos. (Doctor's orders for healing the bones, tissues, muscles, etc.), using a wheelchair and walker, then a cane eventually. The doctors had me on all kinds of pain meds, including Hydrocodone, Morphine, among others. I endured numerous surgeries, with rods, screws and devices in me, hubby calls me Bionic Woman.

By 2017, sex was weeks/months apart, due to all the pain that I still have throughout my body and being unable to walk right anymore, it took a toll on us mentally, emotionally, physically AND sexually!

Sept. 2019, I have had enough, you could count how many times we had sex in ONE year on one hand! I was tired of being stuck and it seemed like there was no way out, until I just fell to my face before the Lord and cried out to HIM (again)! But what was different about this time with God, was that I was able to surrender unto the Lord MY/Our SEX Life too! God touched my heart when He gave me peace about "healing" me and our sexual relationship, only IF I totally give it all to Him to heal in His perfect timing...

Some of you may know what I'm talking about when I say that, God is Spirit and we should also worship Him IN SPIRIT too. It's hard to explain, but we thought we've surrendered ALL unto the Lord, when God asked me if I trusted Him? Of course I did, but He made me realize that I didn't give Him all...God wanted to heal us, and from the inside-out, including our sex life. Because of all the meds and treatments I was going through, it messed with my uterus and pelvic areas, making it very difficult and painful to have intercourse, but as soon as I surrendered this to God too, our sex life went to a whole new different level, not only physically, emotionally, sexually, but also SPIRITUALLY! We experience sex now Spiritually together with God. Some people may see it different, but we know other Christian Couples personally that experiences sex on a Spiritual level with God too. Like I said, it's hard to explain, but yeah...We share our intimacy together WITH GOD, and to experience Him in this way too is....Unexplainable, except WOW!

This is definitely not an easy thing to do, but we're glad we do it, and because God can and He did.

Our prayer for all Christian married couples is that they just lay it all down at the feel of Jesus, ALL, not just some things, ALL, including your SEX life and witness God working in the midst of your despair...Pretty awesome of Him, I think...

We will keep all of you in our prayers...Have a Blessed Weekend CF Fam!

 

[Sabri]

Wow! First, I want to commend you for sharing something so personal. I am learning more about intimacy in different forms when you are married. I agree you need to have relations more than once a year. Talk to your husband and openly express those things you need from him.