How to respond to rude comments and prying

[GodsChild77]

I'm just interested in how others handle this... I don't want to give an equally low response back to inappropriateness first directed at me. How do you handle it when someone makes rude comments that are of personal nature directed at you? How do you handle it when someone asks you personal questions that don't seem appropriate to you or when they ask you questions about a subject that they know that you don't feel comfortable discussing with them? How do you handle those toxic people who seem to always have something negative to say to you about you... how do you handle those people who keep prying and/or disrespecting even when you've tried to set boundaries with them?

I used to be able to come up with quick responses, but I've been through a lot over the last few years and my response time just isn't what it used to be. I know it's not good, but I've gotten into this funk where I would rather just ignore it (and sometimes that may be the best thing to do anyway) and move on... because I don't feel like dealing with it considering everything I've already dealt with. But sometimes me not saying anything frustrates me because I really want to say something... and would if I could come up with something that would work, and then I end up building more resentment for the person who keeps on keeping on and towards myself for not handling it better. Then there are those cases you probably really do need to say something... and just ignoring it will not work and could make matters worse.

I'm working on getting my back bone back... and finding a good balance of defending myself/setting boundaries. Please give me your ways of handling this kind of thing. Thanks.

 

[RETS]

I know exactly what you're talking about- Of course, in my case, it's been the exact opposite. Sadly, most of the Mod Staff here could back me up on that! : embarrassed:

If you've gotten to read the rules here, they actually give a pretty good guideline as to how you should respond in situations like the ones you describe. I've even begun to use them in RL and have had amazing results.

From my personal standpoint, any comeback which does not attack the other person, but rather the post itself; any comeback which cannot be construed as "hurtful," these are the comebacks that are all right. Otherwise, it's probably better to just flag the post.

As far as RL goes, things differ there.

I've had one situation recently where a guy refused to let something go, in spite of my making it very clear I was not going to get into it with him. I finally was pushed into responding, and I said this:

"If you are trying to push me into a verbal conflagration with you or an equally disproportionate opponent, you should know I am not about to waste my valuable time. If you persist, however, rest assured I will demonstrate to your friends here that you unequivocally are the inequitably educated, socially misguided, and mentally insufficient demagogic troglodyte you have, to this moment, only presented yourself to be."

As our "dispute" had been over vocabulary, and his lack of it in a family restaurant, I managed to "win" before we even began. Sometimes, the best comeback is the one which settles the issue before it becomes one.

 

[Gishin]

I say:

 

[Mling]

I can't say I've actually handled that situation like this, but if I had the guts--ask an equally personal question. "So, is your dad circumcised?"

That might work well for sittuations where the person *knows* the rules of etiquette, but doesn't get that you're a human and those rules apply to you. Like the men who ask women if they're having pms, or trans people what their genitals look like.

If the person *doesn't* understand the rules of etiquette and might take such a qurstion seriously, a good, "whoa, seriously?! *ahem* sorry, I was just really surprised you'd ask me something like that." Might do better.

 

[solarwave]

" :S Thats a bit of a wierd question you know"

And to rude comments, "I know you are, but what am I?"

 

[Simply_Amazing]

I'm just interested in how others handle this... I don't want to give an equally low response back to inappropriateness first directed at me. How do you handle it when someone makes rude comments that are of personal nature directed at you? How do you handle it when someone asks you personal questions that don't seem appropriate to you or when they ask you questions about a subject that they know that you don't feel comfortable discussing with them? How do you handle those toxic people who seem to always have something negative to say to you about you... how do you handle those people who keep prying and/or disrespecting even when you've tried to set boundaries with them?

I used to be able to come up with quick responses, but I've been through a lot over the last few years and my response time just isn't what it used to be. I know it's not good, but I've gotten into this funk where I would rather just ignore it (and sometimes that may be the best thing to do anyway) and move on... because I don't feel like dealing with it considering everything I've already dealt with. But sometimes me not saying anything frustrates me because I really want to say something... and would if I could come up with something that would work, and then I end up building more resentment for the person who keeps on keeping on and towards myself for not handling it better. Then there are those cases you probably really do need to say something... and just ignoring it will not work and could make matters worse.

I'm working on getting my back bone back... and finding a good balance of defending myself/setting boundaries. Please give me your ways of handling this kind of thing. Thanks.

Just ignore them. It's the internet, and it's quite easy to put someone on ignore. (or are you talking about real life?) If you start responding to personal insults it's just in courage the next one. (although a snappy response can be fun )

 

[Cactus Jack]

Try what I know as a form of double-speak. Answer their rude questions by asking them a rude question.

Example-
Q: "Is your dad circumsized?"
A: "I dunno. Why don't you go ask him?"


If they ask anything prying, ask them why-

• Why do you need to know this?
• How do you expect to verify what I tell you?
• What value is this information to you?
• And this serves what purpose?
• How does this benefit either of us?
• If I told you, what else would you dream up to panic over?
• What makes it any of your business?
• I'm sorry, but I really don't understand why you need to know.
• Is there a specific reason you need this information?
• Can you make it worth my while to share this with you?

Most of all, you can always ignore them. They ask a rude question, like "is your father circumsized?". Just don't answer them. They'll ask you "Did you hear my question", and you can respond back "Huh? I'm sorry I didn't hear it." When they ask again (which is normal for prying idiots) give them a quizical look. "Huh?"
Treat them like they're saying some unintelligble language and then comment "As soon as you learn to speak english!"

The really fun one is when you're in the company of a number of professionals. They ask the rude question, like "Is your father circumsized?", and tell them you're can't hear what they're saying. Asking them to....speak up. THAT hurts! They speak a little louder, act like you don't understand it, and then when they finally ask loud enough to get the attention og others, the embarassment is immense! Really fun to get them to ask that loud enough to get the audience's attention!

 

[GodsChild77]

Good comments. I guess I'm just going to have to get kind of sarcastic to deal with these types... and by the way, I'm talking about dealing with people in real life. I could care less about someone's rudeness towards me whom I've never met in person - I can easily ignore and avoid someone online if I need to!! It's just that it all started with this one person trying to ruin my reputation and now I'm not treated as I used to be by a good number of people... partly because she really broke me down and I'm very wounded from it all... and it happening at the same time that some other stressful and painful events were going in my life - it was excruciatingly painful, all events combined... but I'm ready to get back up and move on... I'm just not really acting like my good old self as much. So trying to get back to feeling like my happy, carefree self again, but these rude prying questions and comments are holding me back and keeping me in this funk that I'm trying to get away from, I always get hung up on how to respond... it just takes too much brain power when I'm trying to focus on helping myself in more important ways. So, I guess the answer is...

1) There's no way to be nice to these types of people, being nice won't work? I'm going to have to get rather ugly?
2) I guess the only way to do it is to mirror them?
3) I need to come up with several ready to use responses so I don't have to waste my energy on this!

My next question is, how is the best way to handle it in a church setting? Or in a professional setting (one of you already told me a way)? I guess different settings would mean the way of handling it changes? In church, especially, I don't want to be a bad witness to those around me who may be watching my reaction to it and not see the full picture of what's going on. I guess I'm just trying to find an appropriate balance... in and outside of church, but especially in church where people may be watching me and watching others wanting to know what it is to be a Christian.

Any more ideas are welcome.

 

[GodsChild77]

If you start responding to personal insults it's just in courage the next one. (although a snappy response can be fun )

Yes... this is exactly what I'm trying to avoid. You're right, responding to insults can sometimes just encourage the other person. I guess it depends on who the person is too. Before all the stressful events and the affects of them on my health and everything, I used to be able to come up with a quick response that seemed to get the other person to back down pretty well... but it seems like now I have "I'm a doormat, walk all over me" written on my forehead... trying to figure out how to get rid of that!!!

 

[GodsChild77]

One other thing. I think the main underlying reason this gets to me is because I think it's so childish and can't relate to this way of interacting at all. It's like I might as well be staring at a wall. It's hard for me to understand and accept an adult acting this way... acting like what I view as being a child... when I'm acting as the adult that I am and know what tact and respect is. I automatically expect more from an adult and it never fails to bewilder me in how to respond to another ADULT who is acting like a child, but I know I've got to understand that some people just never grow up! That's why I'd rather just stare at the person like their an idiot and say nothing or just ignore it and move on but sometimes that only makes matters worse.... and some people that I have to be around more frequently... I don't want to encourage the pattern to continue, it's just so toxic to be around! SO my dilemma is that I don't really want to sink to their immature level.... yet I NEVER feel like correcting an adult who is acting like a child either and know that they would probably get offended or be encouraged by that kind of a response anyway. It's like a catch-22 but maybe I just have to change the way that I view these types of interactions? Something's got to give because I just know whatever it is I'm doing isn't working for me.

Thanks for patiently reading my rants!

 

[Mling]

Good comments. I guess I'm just going to have to get kind of sarcastic to deal with these types...

1) There's no way to be nice to these types of people, being nice won't work? I'm going to have to get rather ugly?
2) I guess the only way to do it is to mirror them?
3) I need to come up with several ready to use responses so I don't have to waste my energy on this!

Any more ideas are welcome.

You should never feel required to act in a way you consider ugly or rude if you don't want to. I think a lot of people respond with sarcasm because they figure, "if this person is being rude to me, I'm going to turn it around, refuse to be intimidated, and make this a fun experience for me, in order to take back the power they're trying to take away from me."

Make no mistake, if somebody walks up to you and says something that demands personal information, or makes you feel intimidated, part of the reason for that is to enforce a power dynamic--to assert that they have power over you. Even if they seem well-meaning, or like they're only trying to help--a person who helps has power over the person they are helping. If somebody insists on helping when you don't need it, they aren't being helpful. They're trying to assert dominance.

Which might not be the sort of rudeness you're dealing with, of course, but it's a sort that comes up.

anyway, my point:

I do recommend something that indicates that you refuse to turn over the power they're trying to take. Something that asserts your right to autonomy. But that can be a matter of fact, "I only talk about that with my doctor." or a stern glare, "Why do you think that's any of your business?" or a laughing, "Woah! that came out more personal than you meant it, didn't it? I hate it when I say things like that--slips out before you even know what you're saying."

 

[HammerOfTheRighteous]

Kill em all and scatter the pieces let god put em back together. We've been tolerant for far too long.

 

[GodsChild77]

Kill em all and scatter the pieces let god put em back together. We've been tolerant for far too long.

Any real answers are welcome.... that obviously isn't an option... Besides why let God put them back together if you took matter into your own hands in the first place (I would assume you're kidding... but still... really.)?

 

[GodsChild77]

Make no mistake, if somebody walks up to you and says something that demands personal information, or makes you feel intimidated, part of the reason for that is to enforce a power dynamic--to assert that they have power over you. Even if they seem well-meaning, or like they're only trying to help--a person who helps has power over the person they are helping. If somebody insists on helping when you don't need it, they aren't being helpful. They're trying to assert dominance.

Which might not be the sort of rudeness you're dealing with, of course, but it's a sort that comes up.

anyway, my point:

I do recommend something that indicates that you refuse to turn over the power they're trying to take. Something that asserts your right to autonomy. But that can be a matter of fact, "I only talk about that with my doctor." or a stern glare, "Why do you think that's any of your business?" or a laughing, "Woah! that came out more personal than you meant it, didn't it? I hate it when I say things like that--slips out before you even know what you're saying."

Yes, the helping thing has been a big part of the problem. That's where a good deal of the prying has stemmed from, trying to "help". I just have trouble understanding why some of these people would care whether they have power over me... we have absolutely no history, no real relational bond, no real connections. But some people just have real issues I guess. The ways of handling that that you gave are good ones.

 

[Mling]

Yes, the helping thing has been a big part of the problem. That's where a good deal of the prying has stemmed from, trying to "help". I just have trouble understanding why some of these people would care whether they have power over me... we have absolutely no history, no real relational bond, no real connections. But some people just have real issues I guess. The ways of handling that that you gave are good ones.

Because our culture teaches that some people are fully-fledged, autonomous, upwardly mobile human beings, with power and opportunity; while other people have fewer options, less power, and more requirements to serve those who are fully-fledged humans. It bothers the people who have always received the message that others exist to be a foil to them, to see those people going off and doing their own stuff, not having anything to do with them.

How many women have men tell them on the street "Smile!" ? It's an order. A command. The man doesn't know the woman, but, as he passed her by, he found her slightly less than appealing to gaze at, so he ordered her to configure herself in a way that was more pleasing for him.

"Speak English!" Said, not to somebody who one is trying to have a conversation with...but to two people sitting in public, having a private conversation in their own native language. What does it matter to the person who yelled it? In reality, nothing. But in that person's mind, it matters because he or she feels entitled to be able to understand everything around them, and those people were off conducting their private business in a way that violates that person's expectation that the world is always perfectly understandable to them.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're getting most of this "help" from men.... or else, you maybe have a condition that is, or is perceived to be, disabling and you're getting the "help" from currently-able-bodied people? You're doing things on your own that you're perfectly capable of doing, but, to somebody who's certain that you can't, seeing you do it violates their sense that their kind is more powerful than your kind. It doesn't have to be personal, or have anything to do with a personal relationship or history.... they just need to try to force the world to fit their concept of what it should be--that they are on top.

 

[GodsChild77]

Because our culture teaches that some people are fully-fledged, autonomous, upwardly mobile human beings, with power and opportunity; while other people have fewer options, less power, and more requirements to serve those who are fully-fledged humans. It bothers the people who have always received the message that others exist to be a foil to them, to see those people going off and doing their own stuff, not having anything to do with them.

That makes sense, and I agree. And for some people it's all about the competition... then for others, such as myself... it's about living my own personal life and respecting that others can live their life as a separate entity from me. It's really all an issue of people who are driven by ego to pursue power and higher status.

How many women have men tell them on the street "Smile!" ? It's an order. A command. The man doesn't know the woman, but, as he passed her by, he found her slightly less than appealing to gaze at, so he ordered her to configure herself in a way that was more pleasing for him.

"Speak English!" Said, not to somebody who one is trying to have a conversation with...but to two people sitting in public, having a private conversation in their own native language.

Right, and here it's about a person feeling an entitlement to people and things, that in reality, they have no right to... this type of person views the world as merely being full of objects that exist to be manipulated to suite that egocentric person's needs.

What does it matter to the person who yelled it? In reality, nothing. But in that person's mind, it matters because he or she feels entitled to be able to understand everything around them, and those people were off conducting their private business in a way that violates that person's expectation that the world is always perfectly understandable to them.

Wouldn't the person's reality and what is in that person's mind be the same thing? I just didn’t understand the distinction you were making between reality and what’s in the person’s mind. Just want to make sure I understand what it is you’re wanting to convey.

So basically it's about a person expecting others to exist to make them look good and not being willing to accept that others won't always conform to their expectations and standards and actually aren't there to merely exist for them. So would you say that basically what you're describing is narcissism? Egocentricity, desire for power and high status, entitlement, everyone else is merely an object to be manipulated/controlled, reality is defined by the ego.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're getting most of this "help" from men.... or else, you maybe have a condition that is, or is perceived to be, disabling and you're getting the "help" from currently-able-bodied people? You're doing things on your own that you're perfectly capable of doing, but, to somebody who's certain that you can't, seeing you do it violates their sense that their kind is more powerful than your kind. It doesn't have to be personal, or have anything to do with a personal relationship or history.... they just need to try to force the world to fit their concept of what it should be--that they are on top.

I'm getting it more from men than women, but both. Well, I don't have a condition, but most of the ones I've had issues with came into my life during a difficult season where I was really getting pounded by life, I was getting it in different areas of my life all at once and was also in an abusive environment... so I was worn down and anxious, frightened and confused... not really myself at all. They probably thought I had a condition but I was merely responding in a natural way to very strenuous and painful circumstances that they did not understand the details about, it did take a toll on my health. Now I'm out of that situation and I'm slowly healing up internally and am starting to feel like my old self again.

Yes, I'm doing things on my own that I'm perfectly capable of doing, and the only thing that holds me back and hinders me now that I’m healing and out of a bad situation, is being around the toxicity coming out of these people. I agree that there is some weird kind of power dynamic going on there. Maybe my perceived “low” status, as has been defined by these people, somehow has given them a way to build themselves up by comparing who they are to who I am… and like you said, me getting up and moving on, being strong, healthy, and happy again really messes with their "reality" of the relationship of who they are to who I am and of their ability to effectively stroke their fragile egos as a result.

I do know that I've got to change the way that I've been interacting with people for the last few years. There just seems to be something I'm doing differently to encourage this behavior more than before. I know I definitely need to become confident in setting boundaries again (this didn't use to be so difficult for me). Maybe my problem is that people are the way they are and my mistake is thinking that how they treat me reflects on me somehow, when it's really just a reflection of who they are and has absolutely nothing to do with me.

 

[s_s]

With reference to the above, it might be an idea to not respond at all to what's going on, but in a different way - show more assertiveness in what you do, especially around them, become more flamboyant - show that you can live your own life and enjoy yourself without their "help"?
When you walk into work wearing a bright pink suit and carrying a large bunch of flowers for your desk (if you have one!) they're not going to see you as needy or controllable for much longer...

 

[GodsChild77]

Nevermind... TMI