How to refuse family visits...is it right?

[Vicissa]

Well, here is the tricky situation I find myself in. My sister (actually she's an aunt, but I call my aunt's sister's because my grandma raised me) has a son, who is WAY out of control. I mean, WAY beyong the norm. There are other kids in my family who are doing some bad stuff, but not to this extent.

As most of you know, I reccently moved back to Michigan....as did this nephew of mine. He seen me one day at my mom's house, but hasn't seen our kids yet. My DH says absolutely no way is he allowed here or around the kids, if he comes around, my husband will likely beat his you know what. To make a long story short, a few years ago my sister got married (her son was 15-16 at the time) At the wedding her son got mad because she wouldn't give him 10.00 her told her %^$* off right at the ceremony while we were all getting ready to go to the reception. My husband told him not to talk to her like that, he smarted off, my husband grabbed him up. Ever since thn, there has been bad blood.
Now my nephew is 18, and even worse. Dropped out of school, having sex, selling drugs, beating up people, running around with undesirables. He's moved in with his brother because he doesn't get along with his mother....calls her ho, b*&^%, and tells her horrible things I won't repeat on this board.
So my nephew is asking my mom if he can see us, and well, the answer is no. Part of me thinks my husband is being a liittle harsh, but part of me says he's right on. So I back him up here. I am going t ohave to tell him that he can't come over, but I really don't know how to go about it. I know any way I say it isn't going to go over good. But I want to do it in a way that at least attempts to express that I do love him, but his behavior makes it so I have no choice. I don't want him to feel hated, but.....
Gosh.....
This is hard. Everyone in the family knows the kid is trouble and is in trouble. Everyone says how he needs to straighten out, but no one wants to hurt his feelings. LIke my mom said that she wasn't going to tell him that he couldn't see us when he asked her because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

I even feel the same somewhat.

 

[BigNorsk]

I would suggest inviting your nephew out to supper with you and your DH. Have a babysitter for the children.

The supper will probably be uncomfortable at times.

You need to tell him that you understand that his life has been all mixed up to now due to the fact that his mother did not give him the life a child deserves to grow up in. I don't know, maybe the circumstances were beyond her control, maybe they were of her making. I'm not surprised that he acted up when she was getting married when he was 15 or 16, he didn't have a family with two parents, there was this new guy that he didn't know if he was going to fit in. His mother was giving attention to her new husband and not him and so on.

Tell him flat out that the reason your children are not with is that you are trying to provide them the security and safe environment that he did not have. That right now he doesn't really fit inside their environment, he is risky due to his behavior. You aren't saying he would intentionally hurt them, but he often displays behavior that you consider harmful. You most certainly hope that with time he is able to overcome his difficulties and fit inside their environment. But for now you literally have to protect your children from him, which you are sure he can understand since his mother did not protect him and you see how he feels towards her. In conflict, with love and hate at the same time.

Congratulate him that he has now turned 18 become a legal adult but how you understand that no magic happens on that birthday and how it is in many ways a dangerous time for him. Many are those who would desire to use him and lead him astray. You hope to help him through it and mature to be a wonderful man. Not to be confused with as approval for bad behavior. Point out that you yourself have made mistakes and mistakes aren't a life sentence. You certainly don't want to sound like a hypocrite but Jesus is your standard, a standard that you yourself have far to reach. You in no ways are claiming perfection for yourself.

You are not punishing him for his upbringing, you are simply now hoping and praying that he can overcome it and the anger he feels towards his mother.

I would then spell out that you hope that you can keep in touch with him, but that for now, he should call you or arrange to meet you. That for now, your children are off limits and as such, you don't want him dropping by your home.

I have no way of knowing his response. But sincere and open truth have a way of reaching people even if they are not reached that day.

His feelings have obviously been hurt severely in his life. I wouldn't now get too concerned about a false pretense of concern for him on the part of those who have let him go so far down the path of destruction. Mostly, it's a convenient problem for people to have who don't want to be bothered caring for a young man. They are simply like the priest walking by the injured man worried that he might die and make the priest unclean. They simply don't think he is worth the risk and so they make excuses trying to appear like they do so out of concern for him.

I note that your family works and talks indirectly. For instance he talks to his mother to see if he can visit you. I would suggest stopping the filtering of information through others, particularly his mother. Talk to him directly, ask him too to talk to you directly. Understand too that if you are getting your image of what's going on from his mother, she is likely coloring it. If he is getting his info about you from her it's likely he doesn't have that high an opinion about you either.

Before meeting him I would suggest a talk with your husband too. I don't know where he got his ideas of physical imposition upon others but he needs to back off with your nephew if you nephew does not himself present a physical danger. He was out of line grabbing his nephew at the wedding. He is also out of line if he is actually sincere that he would hurt the boy for simply showing up at your house. People are not coverted to peace by physical threats and abuse. Such a model simply teaches to wait until you are the "man" of the house and then what you says goes and if anyone disagrees you intimidate them into submission. This is not at all the model this young man needs.

Close by offering your help but make it clear that help is not going to entail enabling him to continue destroying his life. Help is drug treatment, getting enrolled in a GED class and so on. Not handouts and trying to pick up things behind him.

Marv

 

[Vicissa]

I would suggest inviting your nephew out to supper with you and your DH. Have a babysitter for the children.Marv

I wish that were possible, but it isn't. My husband wants nothing to do with him, says he's nothing but trouble and he'd beat him up because he has disrespected him in the past. My husband doesn't mind holding grudges.

The supper will probably be uncomfortable at times.

You need to tell him that you understand that his life has been all mixed up to now due to the fact that his mother did not give him the life a child deserves to grow up in. I don't know, maybe the circumstances were beyond her control, maybe they were of her making. I'm not surprised that he acted up when she was getting married when he was 15 or 16, he didn't have a family with two parents, there was this new guy that he didn't know if he was going to fit in. His mother was giving attention to her new husband and not him and so on.

Tell him flat out that the reason your children are not with is that you are trying to provide them the security and safe environment that he did not have. That right now he doesn't really fit inside their environment, he is risky due to his behavior. You aren't saying he would intentionally hurt them, but he often displays behavior that you consider harmful. You most certainly hope that with time he is able to overcome his difficulties and fit inside their environment. But for now you literally have to protect your children from him, which you are sure he can understand since his mother did not protect him and you see how he feels towards her. In conflict, with love and hate at the same time.

Congratulate him that he has now turned 18 become a legal adult but how you understand that no magic happens on that birthday and how it is in many ways a dangerous time for him. Many are those who would desire to use him and lead him astray. You hope to help him through it and mature to be a wonderful man. Not to be confused with as approval for bad behavior. Point out that you yourself have made mistakes and mistakes aren't a life sentence. You certainly don't want to sound like a hypocrite but Jesus is your standard, a standard that you yourself have far to reach. You in no ways are claiming perfection for yourself.

You are not punishing him for his upbringing, you are simply now hoping and praying that he can overcome it and the anger he feels towards his mother.

I would then spell out that you hope that you can keep in touch with him, but that for now, he should call you or arrange to meet you. That for now, your children are off limits and as such, you don't want him dropping by your home.

I have no way of knowing his response. But sincere and open truth have a way of reaching people even if they are not reached that day.

His feelings have obviously been hurt severely in his life. I wouldn't now get too concerned about a false pretense of concern for him on the part of those who have let him go so far down the path of destruction. Mostly, it's a convenient problem for people to have who don't want to be bothered caring for a young man. They are simply like the priest walking by the injured man worried that he might die and make the priest unclean. They simply don't think he is worth the risk and so they make excuses trying to appear like they do so out of concern for him.

I note that your family works and talks indirectly. For instance he talks to his mother to see if he can visit you. I would suggest stopping the filtering of information through others, particularly his mother. Talk to him directly, ask him too to talk to you directly. Understand too that if you are getting your image of what's going on from his mother, she is likely coloring it. If he is getting his info about you from her it's likely he doesn't have that high an opinion about you either.

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate the way that you word it so it's kind, yet stating the truth.

Before meeting him I would suggest a talk with your husband too. I don't know where he got his ideas of physical imposition upon others but he needs to back off with your nephew if you nephew does not himself present a physical danger. He was out of line grabbing his nephew at the wedding. He is also out of line if he is actually sincere that he would hurt the boy for simply showing up at your house. People are not coverted to peace by physical threats and abuse. Such a model simply teaches to wait until you are the "man" of the house and then what you says goes and if anyone disagrees you intimidate them into submission. This is not at all the model this young man needs.

I agree that this isn't the model he needs. Unfortunately my husband thinks the boy needs to go to the "school of hard knocks" and that if he'd get a butt whooping he never got growing up, he'd straighten up, or at very least, quit thinking he was so tough and quit talking about beating others p. I spend the last half hour trying to reason with my husband but he isn't budging.

 

[BigNorsk]

Well, with your husband like that you will probably just have to avoid your nephew.

I'm afraid with where your nephew is at and your husband's attitude that beating your nephew up would somehow fix things that it's likely the violence would escalate and could end up with serious injury or death, probably of your husband.

The normal response to being told to submit to physical violence is not to really submit but to show how tough one is by going and getting a gun or something and then making the other guy grovel.

It's difficult to reach out to family when one is married to a nonbeliever, I will pray for you husband, that he will be convicted through your love.

Marv

 

[Autumnleaf]

Maybe if your nephew got to know your husband he would change his ways and be a better person for it.