How to navigate my Christian life as a CPTSD survivor

[BETH PIERSON]

I want to either personally link up with other Christians who survived consistent (or complex) trauma abuse since infancy by every member of their family for their entire childhood and in every way: physical, sexual, and psychological. I have so far found no written devotionals or other Christian-based books about how to be a Christian in all its dimensions when one has survived and then been recovering from CPTSD for all of one's life of 62 years now. I am a prolific reader and journal-er and going-to-psychotherapy and every other sort of alternative healing methods for my whole life and still suffer greatly from the symptoms of terror and triggering and flashbacks and disabling paralysis and so on, even after some 40 years of different treatments, never mind all the complicated and abusive relationships with others, until for not-quite 8 years, God gave me one brief but life-saving relationship with my late husband, the first person and Christian to daily and consistently love me enough to heal more than all the other years combined - he was Jesus to me - then God allowed him to die unexpectedly and suddenly 2 1/2 years ago...followed by my getting cancer and losing my job and my home and leaving me living on disability and moving into a tiny govt.- subsidized apt. with 24/7 bowel incontinence and all new "friends" and support groups and going back to church and bible studies only to find myself again, feeling more lonely and alienated in these groups and with these people than before I left the organized church about 25+ years ago because it was so dysfunctional for me then that it made me feel crazier, not better - the only reason I started going back to church regularly again was pure desperation after my husband died...i was vulnerable and lost and needy...now I am again feeling that same sense of performing the ways I know the church people are comfortable with rather than being real about how i feel or what I am thinking, even though many are sincere and mean well etc..its the same old stuff: if you are raw or using cuss words or trying to explain your extreme abuse condition and how many things in the Bible and in church services and sermons and so on trigger you and you feel like running or do get up and leave...they cannot handle any of it because they are utterly uninformed about the existence of many folks like myself who are well educated, very literate and well spoken and know just how to frame things to make others comfortable so as to avoid all the awful reactions folks have when you are honest about your challenges based upon your condition that began in infancy and lasts lifelong often despite one's best efforts to get help and healing - they have nothing to offer me basically, that actually works given my background...I am sure there are many others out there like myself who are so lonely and alienated that we go through the motions of being "normal" while dying a little more each day..ESPECIALLY AMONG OTHER CHRISTIANS who are quick to claim they understand you, yet it becomes quickly clear that they really have no idea---as they repeat the same platitudes you've heard lifelong,,,and your heart sinks once again...

 

[John Bowen]

I don't know if you are tried this , but this is what I do to get over traumas . You know the concept of time is a gift time moves on covering over anything from our past .The only place the traumas still exist in our minds the only place . So I go into them see them like you would a movie and then use the light of God to pour in on that movie so all the darkness of that scene is gone and only light remains . I also realize things from the past aren't personal . They would have happened to anybody there also , I just happened to be the one knowing that seems to help me too . I also invoke light in the form of the spoken word lots good invocations out there for that for any psychological problems .Thanks for sharing your truth I hope you can help others with the things you gone through .

 

[ripple the car]

Healing from abuse is a lifelong process. The one thing that has helped many people move forward in Christ is to begin to pray for those who have hurt them. The more we pray for them, the more we can let go. The destination to feeling totally 100% free from sorrow, pain, anger, confusion, misplaced guilt, and disgust is, perhaps, found finally only in Heaven.

We can walk up a pilgrim road of suffering, tears, and forgiveness, though, and offer it up for souls, especially for those who have hurt us. The more we climb, the easier it gets. Not completely easy, but less difficult.

When overwhelmed by anger, rage, sadness, loneliness, bitterness, hatred, or grief, focus on the Face of Christ. Just bring it back to Him over and over.

 

[Southernscotty]

Friend, I am so sorry that you have been hurt so badly in the past. It saddens me greatly to see such pain. As @Gracie Singh states above, Praying for those who have abused you in the past is paramount to your healing and will ultimately set you free.
It is easy to harbor hatred and yet not even know it.
My heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you big ole hug in person.
Please know that I am standing in prayer for you and by the way welcome to the CF family, We are honored to have you and know for certain that things will start getting better now that you have us christian forums family to help you through these tough times.
God bless you dear friend.

 

[Teamo]

I want to either personally link up with other Christians who survived consistent (or complex) trauma abuse since infancy by every member of their family for their entire childhood and in every way: physical, sexual, and psychological. I have so far found no written devotionals or other Christian-based books about how to be a Christian in all its dimensions when one has survived and then been recovering from CPTSD for all of one's life of 62 years now.

Hello, I think your instincts are totally correct about where to find the best help; it is from other abuse survivors, NOT from psychologists or from clergy.

Youtube has been the best source to help me understand cptsd and narcissistic abuse. I don't care if someone has a professional degree, I know when someone is saying something helpful and when they aren't.

A lot of the progress I've made has been from just being made aware that there are words and terminology for feelings that I couldn't ever put into words or describe while I was growing up.

 

[Paidiske]

I don't think there's any one-size-fits-all approach. I definitely found that the stuff everyone tells you you "have" to do wasn't all that helpful, and often tended to make things worse. In quiet ways God has been at work in me and helped some things heal, over time.

Giving myself opportunities to explore being creative - something I really hadn't developed at all - has helped a lot.

Ironically, some of the things which have been really important for my healing - like learning to draw, and defend, good boundaries - are things which other Christians seem often to misunderstand and judge. Not accepting being treated wrongly or badly is not always well received!

 

[EzekielsWheels]

I don't think there's any one-size-fits-all approach. I definitely found that the stuff everyone tells you you "have" to do wasn't all that helpful, and often tended to make things worse. In quiet ways God has been at work in me and helped some things heal, over time.

Giving myself opportunities to explore being creative - something I really hadn't developed at all - has helped a lot.

Ironically, some of the things which have been really important for my healing - like learning to draw, and defend, good boundaries - are things which other Christians seem often to misunderstand and judge. Not accepting being treated wrongly or badly is not always well received!

Yes agreed on the boundaries and that's hard if you didn't grow up having your boundaries respected and honored. It is a lifelong process as Gracie said and I'm sorry some things have not worked out in your life but I pray things get better for you.

 

[bmjackson]

I want to either personally link up with other Christians who survived consistent (or complex) trauma abuse since infancy by every member of their family for their entire childhood and in every way: physical, sexual, and psychological. I have so far found no written devotionals or other Christian-based books about how to be a Christian in all its dimensions when one has survived and then been recovering from CPTSD for all of one's life of 62 years now. I am a prolific reader and journal-er and going-to-psychotherapy and every other sort of alternative healing methods for my whole life and still suffer greatly from the symptoms of terror and triggering and flashbacks and disabling paralysis and so on, even after some 40 years of different treatments, never mind all the complicated and abusive relationships with others, until for not-quite 8 years, God gave me one brief but life-saving relationship with my late husband, the first person and Christian to daily and consistently love me enough to heal more than all the other years combined - he was Jesus to me - then God allowed him to die unexpectedly and suddenly 2 1/2 years ago...followed by my getting cancer and losing my job and my home and leaving me living on disability and moving into a tiny govt.- subsidized apt. with 24/7 bowel incontinence and all new "friends" and support groups and going back to church and bible studies only to find myself again, feeling more lonely and alienated in these groups and with these people than before I left the organized church about 25+ years ago because it was so dysfunctional for me then that it made me feel crazier, not better - the only reason I started going back to church regularly again was pure desperation after my husband died...i was vulnerable and lost and needy...now I am again feeling that same sense of performing the ways I know the church people are comfortable with rather than being real about how i feel or what I am thinking, even though many are sincere and mean well etc..its the same old stuff: if you are raw or using cuss words or trying to explain your extreme abuse condition and how many things in the Bible and in church services and sermons and so on trigger you and you feel like running or do get up and leave...they cannot handle any of it because they are utterly uninformed about the existence of many folks like myself who are well educated, very literate and well spoken and know just how to frame things to make others comfortable so as to avoid all the awful reactions folks have when you are honest about your challenges based upon your condition that began in infancy and lasts lifelong often despite one's best efforts to get help and healing - they have nothing to offer me basically, that actually works given my background...I am sure there are many others out there like myself who are so lonely and alienated that we go through the motions of being "normal" while dying a little more each day..ESPECIALLY AMONG OTHER CHRISTIANS who are quick to claim they understand you, yet it becomes quickly clear that they really have no idea---as they repeat the same platitudes you've heard lifelong,,,and your heart sinks once again...

Dear sister Beth, I am so very very sorry that you left the day you posted this and understand why. My heart went out to you as I know exactly what you said is true. There is no love in the church, enough to heal the severely traumatized yet it is just what they need, not platitudes.

I am sick of those too and have stopped going to church when it means feeling even more alone when I get home to my lonely existence.

The answer has been for me to study the patristic period of the church on Theosis and accepting suffering as the means of exceptional grace which overcomes all. Still working it out sister. God's blessings to you if you ever come back.

 

[bmjackson]

Just to add @BETH PIERSON I see you are Reformed.

I would have also lost my faith if I had remained Reformed and had gone through my life as it is. There is your problem sis. We are chosen to be conformed, not to be saved.