How to marry without getting Married?

[pixiponk]

If someone, or two people are committed to each other and believe that they are in it for life and have said so in front of each other and infront of God, but sadly have both been married in the past and don't really want to do that again. What do they do?
Discuss!!

 

[peanutbutter12]

Sorry, but I believe if they don't want to "get married" again, than they aren't being as committed as they think they are and want an escape route. That is not the way God intended marriage and I highly doubt it would be acceptable in his eyes as such.

 

[cgid3]

In the bible, Jesus himself spoke several times on divorce, though most of us Christians choose to disregard these verses.

Mathew 19
8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

10The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."

11Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage[c]because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

Mark 10
11 He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.

Matthew 5
31 "It has been said, `Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.'
32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Luke 16
18 "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery

1 Corinthians 7
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.
11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.

That is Jesus and his closest follower's stance on divorce. It goes widely unread by the church today, as a large number of church leaders have remarried.

But let me clarify what you are asking. You never stated you think remarriage would be unGodly, you said you don't want to get married, but you want to shack up, "before God?" Playing with fire, my friend.

 

[PolarBear3]

If someone, or two people are committed to each other and believe that they are in it for life and have said so in front of each other and infront of God, but sadly have both been married in the past and don't really want to do that again. What do they do?
Discuss!!

I think each person needs to thoroughly examine why they don't want to get married again. Having been married before myself, I know how much pain, anger, fear, sadness, hurt can exist when a marriage ends, but I also know how much learning and healing can happen afterwards.

Questions that may be helpful:
Have each of you learned what you did to contribute to the end of your marriages?
Have each of you healed sufficiently?
What scares you about getting married again?
Do you have difficulty trusting the other person and/or yourself?

I think not wanting to get married again points to some bigger issues - not sure what those particular issues are for either of you, but it sounds like it would be worth it for the two of you to figure them out and hopefully you will grow through that process.

Best wishes to you,
Kathy

 

[Markus6]

As I see it marriage has four components:

1. Demonstrating your commitment to each other
2. Recognising your commitment in front of God
3. Recognising your commitment in front of your community (friends and family)
4. Recognising your commitment in front of the State (i.e. legally)

You've done the first two so from my perspective your problem would be with on of the latter two. Any idea which? Number 3 is what drives people to have a ceremony and invite people.

 

[pixiponk]

I have read these bits of the bible and am aware that if you divorce and then re marry you are commiting adultery. And accept that this is so.

I believe that previous marriges failed due to lack of God being involved. And marital partners activly atempting to destroy any link with God. Plus other issues. This at the moment is the important one.

Current relationship has been brought about by God. Love appeared even though we both, were extremly resistant to getting close or involved due to child envolvement and very awkward circumstances. Friendship has been the aim from the start. There is too much love involved from all sides for it too be left like that.

The level of commitment too each other is not faulty. There is plenty of commitment too each other and families. The idea of ownership which is what marridge in my limited experience seems to encourage is not a part of the newer relationship. There could be a western Church marridge, but I don't feel the current meaning of such is as binding as God intended it to be. Its statement does not convey what we are trying to show God, each other and any witnesses.

Both of us have been drawn back closer to God since being closer to one another. But the journys have been seperate. relationships with God are 1 thing. Relationship with each other different. no-one is thinking the other is a saviour. Wanting to find a way of celebrating love and eternal commitment to one another without becoming any more sinfull than the church already has both parties down for.

The desire to unite infront of God is to please him. We have become a family led by God and want to know how to celebrate that and offer it too God. without offending God, the church, families.

It sounds like, so far, even though God has created this uniting of people, it should be ripped apart because either way it is un biblical.

I continue to believe that my God is a loving God, that he gave love to be used for good and that, that is what is happening, courtesy of God.

I also leave my heart and mind open for God to lead. I am at his mercy anyway and have learnt what it means to trust him and step out in faith. He does guide and lead me down the right paths and have no doubt that he will do the same with this.

I'm just confused.

 

[Luther073082]

pixi> In the situation that you where the last two people in the world. I would then say yes you can just decide and commit to eachother to be married.

Although I don't recommend it, I also accept common law marriages as marriages.

HERE is the thing.

Taking those marriage vows DOES NOT screw up your marriage/relationship. Only you do that. Staying together in a marriage is a decision you both make to work at it.

Now in terms of getting married in front of the state. It doesn't cost much to get a marriage license. You don't have to have a big huge wedding in fact I would recommend you don't.

But being married, in front of witnesses, in front of God's church. (Remember that God himself established the church, not men), and in front of the state is important.

First of all the church does not and should not consider you married unless you are married in front of the church. God governs marriage and he governs the church. The church was assigned the task of creating, strenghtening and enforcing marriages on earth. You arn't going through the proper channels.
(by church I mean the overall Christian (catholic) church, not any individual denomination or parish)

Its also important to get married in front of the state. Its too easy to walk away from. I can commit to someone all I want. But the minute I get bored, if we arn't married in front of the state. Getting married in front of the state is a demonstration of my commitment. Because at the very secular, non-emotional level I am now placing myself in a position to where I am attached to you for life LEGALLY. And breaking that attachment means spending money and going through a legal hell.

I can say I'm committed to this or that all I want. But unless I back up those words with action, they are just words.

Get a couple friends to act as witnesses, ask your pastor to marry you in front of them, get the lisence and sign it. Thats the most simple wedding there is, but it still forms a marriage in front of the church and the state.

pixie> You are already having a relationship. Your marriage is over before God because you have already committed the adultry by having a relationship with another guy. There is no more adultry in getting married to another people because the sin has already been committed.

 

[cgid3]

I noticed no ones advice touched on my scripture references. Can I ask why?

 

[The Nihilist]

I would avoid a legal marriage. It would save you a boatload on taxes.

 

[peanutbutter12]

I would avoid a legal marriage. It would save you a boatload on taxes.

Are you kidding? I have *less* taxes now that I'm married and get a higher return. Even more so once I start having kids.

 

[The Nihilist]

Your situation may vary, but that's what my accountant tells me

 

[Blank123]

If someone, or two people are committed to each other and believe that they are in it for life and have said so in front of each other and infront of God, but sadly have both been married in the past and don't really want to do that again. What do they do?
Discuss!!

I have read these bits of the bible and am aware that if you divorce and then re marry you are commiting adultery. And accept that this is so.

I believe that previous marriges failed due to lack of God being involved. And marital partners activly atempting to destroy any link with God. Plus other issues. This at the moment is the important one.

Current relationship has been brought about by God. Love appeared even though we both, were extremly resistant to getting close or involved due to child envolvement and very awkward circumstances. Friendship has been the aim from the start. There is too much love involved from all sides for it too be left like that.

The level of commitment too each other is not faulty. There is plenty of commitment too each other and families. The idea of ownership which is what marridge in my limited experience seems to encourage is not a part of the newer relationship. There could be a western Church marridge, but I don't feel the current meaning of such is as binding as God intended it to be. Its statement does not convey what we are trying to show God, each other and any witnesses.

Both of us have been drawn back closer to God since being closer to one another. But the journys have been seperate. relationships with God are 1 thing. Relationship with each other different. no-one is thinking the other is a saviour. Wanting to find a way of celebrating love and eternal commitment to one another without becoming any more sinfull than the church already has both parties down for.

The desire to unite infront of God is to please him. We have become a family led by God and want to know how to celebrate that and offer it too God. without offending God, the church, families.

It sounds like, so far, even though God has created this uniting of people, it should be ripped apart because either way it is un biblical.

I continue to believe that my God is a loving God, that he gave love to be used for good and that, that is what is happening, courtesy of God.

I also leave my heart and mind open for God to lead. I am at his mercy anyway and have learnt what it means to trust him and step out in faith. He does guide and lead me down the right paths and have no doubt that he will do the same with this.

I'm just confused.

I have to wonder if you truly believe its a sin to remarry why the two of you are even in a relationship. Why put yourself in a position where you know you won't ever feel comfortable to follow through? Is giving your heart and life to another man after you've been divorced okay but signing the marriage papers is the sin? I'm genuinely confused about this...

And the Bible tells us to follow the laws of the land, the laws in most countries are pretty clear about what constitutes legal marriage. you'd have to follow those laws if you want to obedient to God.

 

[Luther073082]

Last I knew there was a break in taxes for being married not the opposite.

Secondly, its not a sin to re-marry the sin is divorcing (for reasons other then adultry) in the first place. If you have already divorced then the sin has been committed.

Pixie, don't make excuses to yourself, get married. It doesn't take much.

 

[cgid3]

I'd have to disagree with you there, Luther. While <i>a</i> sin is the divorce, to remarry anyone but your divorce' is adultery. Well, perpetual adultery. Every time the two are 'together' they recommit the sin. Granted, sin is forgiven. But to place yourself in a position to perpetuate, know you will perpetuate and do nothing to prevent perpetuation of that sin is very very iffy.

Mark 19
8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

The real sin is adultery.

 

[pixiponk]

Secondly, its not a sin to re-marry the sin is divorcing (for reasons other then adultry) in the first place. If you have already divorced then the sin has been committed.

I understand this and accept it. My marridge broke down because I was being abused and I don't apologise for leaving my husband to anyone other than God.

I think you are right and it was my thought that the sin has been committed and so the best thing is to commit to each other in societys conventional way.

Just wounderd if there was another type of blessing or something that wouldn't feel like we were signing up to western culture at the same time.

Our friendship is amazing and we know that there is more there and that we want to committ to each other (we already have) just wanted to make sure western christian marridge was the only accepted way forward.

Thanks for the help and support.

 

[Luther073082]

I understand this and accept it. My marridge broke down because I was being abused and I don't apologise for leaving my husband to anyone other than God.

Nor do you need to. On strict biblical grounds its a sin none the less but its not a sin i can really condemn.

I think you are right and it was my thought that the sin has been committed and so the best thing is to commit to each other in societys conventional way.

Just wounderd if there was another type of blessing or something that wouldn't feel like we were signing up to western culture at the same time.

Our friendship is amazing and we know that there is more there and that we want to committ to each other (we already have) just wanted to make sure western christian marridge was the only accepted way forward.

Thanks for the help and support.

Yes its a good idea to remarry.

I like to look at it like this. Words are just words, I can promise a person all I want that I will be with them forever.

Commitment is demonstrated by action. That action is getting married.

How does this demonstrate committment when there is so much divorce??

Simple, the marriage still puts property on the line. Anyone can lie or change their minds in anything. But a committed person will put something on the line for it. Divorce is hard, not only emotionally, but mentally and there is property on the line too.

Divorce sucks, and I will not ever claim that the law is always equitable when deciding these things. But maybe its that risk and that "suckyness" that demonstrates someone's committment.

Good luck and God's blessings.

 

[JdwB10]

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go back and read those scriptures again in my Bible, because I don't think that God would want ANYONE to stay in a marriage with someone who was abusive to them or their children. In my mind, that's unfaithfulness as well. Maybe I'm wrong...

 

[dobieman0488]

the bible forbids divorce. period.

 

[Yesca40]

In the bible, Jesus himself spoke several times on divorce, though most of us Christians choose to disregard these verses.

Mathew 19
8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

10The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."

11Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage[c]because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

Mark 10
11 He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.

Matthew 5
31 "It has been said, `Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.'
32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Luke 16
18 "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery

1 Corinthians 7
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.
11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.

That is Jesus and his closest follower's stance on divorce. It goes widely unread by the church today, as a large number of church leaders have remarried.

But let me clarify what you are asking. You never stated you think remarriage would be unGodly, you said you don't want to get married, but you want to shack up, "before God?" Playing with fire, my friend.

I completley agree with this.

 

[Yesca40]

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go back and read those scriptures again in my Bible, because I don't think that God would want ANYONE to stay in a marriage with someone who was abusive to them or their children. In my mind, that's unfaithfulness as well. Maybe I'm wrong...

No, the lord does not expect someone to stay in an abusive marriage, however, if a spouse leaves for any other reason than marital unfaithness thay can't remarry. They should remain single from that point, I know it is hard but being obiediant to God is much harder.

1. Matthew 5:32
   But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
   Matthew 5:31-33 (in Context) Matthew 5 (Whole Chapter)
2. Matthew 19:9
   I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."