How to love

[AnneShy]

I want to love with a Godly love to my husband. I read 1 Cor 13 almost every day. And something that sticks out the most lately is that love is long suffering, love hopes all things, bears all things, and endures all things.
With that in mind, this is why its so hard for me. Before I was a Christian I was a pretty terrible person, and was unfaithful to my husband (6 years ago). I finally told him 7 months ago, and now he doesnt know if he wants to be with me, and says that he needs to cheat on me to have a comparison, and to see if I really love him by standing by him through it. But its killing me. I pray for strength, for God to show me what to do. I often think, it we can just get through this what a testimony we would have, but the thought of him doing that kills me inside, and Im scared that of how I would react.

 

[Hotinco]

Is your husband a Christian? This is a very important question as if he is not he comes at this from a different perspective.


This is very tough place to be, Your husband does not need to "cheat" on you. Two wrongs do not make a right. Not only would he further jeopardizing your relationship he is involving another person who will also be hurt. He needs to talk to someone right away, weather that is a professional counselor or marriage facilitator, just so long as they will give Godly advice.

I also understand from his point he is hurt and does not know what to do. First seek out Godly counsel. This is not an issue that is resolved over night. He needs to make a decision (not today but soon) Is he willing to forgive you and move forward with the relationship. I know for you this is a trying time, while you have know about the affair for 6 years he has not. This is all new to him and he will need time to process everything. The best thing you can do during this time is be a loving supporting wife. Answer his question honestly without trying to hurt him further.

Once he decides what he is doing you both need counseling, I hope and pray he decides to stick it out and move forward. This will not be an easy road but it is the road with the least pain. With a good counselor you can move past this and have a strong relationship again. it will take time - for him the trust is broken even though this was six years ago. For him the process starts now, you may very well be ahead of him in the process given the time you have had to deal with it. You will also have issue to work though, you have been dealing with the guilt of this for years.

Something you can do today if he is willing
1) Pray together
2) Pray for him
3) Be understanding - this does not mean be a doormat
4) Seek out Godly counsel
5) Give him time - more than anything he needs this to process

If you are willing I know of a online series the two of you can take part in that may help - this is not to replace counseling but it is a private way for the two of you to work through some of the issues.

You are so young, it break my heart every time I see young couple is such trouble.

 

[chapmic]

Definitely, let him know how much this hurts you and it would be unnecessary to commit adultery to prove a point. This would just cause more pain, plead for reconciliation and pray to Jesus for your marriage. I will be praying for you both, God bless!

 

[Murby]

I want to love with a Godly love to my husband. I read 1 Cor 13 almost every day. And something that sticks out the most lately is that love is long suffering, love hopes all things, bears all things, and endures all things.
With that in mind, this is why its so hard for me. Before I was a Christian I was a pretty terrible person, and was unfaithful to my husband (6 years ago). I finally told him 7 months ago, and now he doesnt know if he wants to be with me, and says that he needs to cheat on me to have a comparison, and to see if I really love him by standing by him through it. But its killing me. I pray for strength, for God to show me what to do. I often think, it we can just get through this what a testimony we would have, but the thought of him doing that kills me inside, and Im scared that of how I would react.

What kind of advice are you looking for? I tend to refrain from blowing sunshine, but if you would like advice based on the real world then I'd be happy to give it.

 

[mkgal1]

Before I was a Christian I was a pretty terrible person, and was unfaithful to my husband (6 years ago). I finally told him 7 months ago, and now he doesnt know if he wants to be with me, and says that he needs to cheat on me to have a comparison, and to see if I really love him by standing by him through it

That's not "love" (on his behalf).....nor would that be "standing by you"---that's vindictive retaliation. This was 6 years ago! If the two of you are going to have a healthy marriage....then there has to be an agreement that punishment and hurting each other will not be accepted.

 

[Dave-W]

You both need to get to a good Christian marriage counselor TODAY.

 

[ValleyGal]

Is there a reason you decided to tell him after all these years> I understand the concept of amends, but direct amends should only be made if it is not going to harm the other person. I wonder if telling him did him more harm than good, and now requires another amend on your part.

Tbh, I don't know where I stand on confessing affair so many years after the fact (not to mention a change of heart and conversion to faith in Christ). I think the years of faithfulness after the fact would speak to the sorrow of the adulterer and I would be able to forgive, but on the other hand, why jeopardize a marriage by taking that risk in the first place>

If your husband is a believer, appeal to his grace through the Lord Jesus, and tell him your sorrow over your behaviour has been punishment all these years. After all, you have to live with what you did - but if God is able to forgive you, your husband is not greater than God to say that's not good enough. If your husband is not a believer, then he will do what he will do, and you will need to figure out how to respond. Personally, for him to seek revenge by having an affair would be a deal-breaker for me. As someone else said - two wrongs don't make it right. When things like this happen, it is usually the innocent who pays the heaviest price.

 

[98cwitr]

I'll say it too: Two wrongs don't make a right. Seems he is looking for vengeance. Do you know why you cheated? If so, have you expressed those reasons (then) and shown how they are no longer apparent (now?)

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

From my experience, when a man is REALLY hurt, he displays it in anger which then dominoes into threats and ultimatums - something tells he would not do that, so I would disregard and forget he even said that. That choice would be between him and God - assuming he has a relationship with Jesus (?)

I wouldn't expect it to be any less devastating to him simply because it was 6 yrs ago.. sorry!

Pray he can begin the healing and forgiveness process, and that your marriage will be stronger after this! Focus on your relationship with the Lord, and loving your husband otherwise your emotions will torture you alive IMHO.

Keep reading 1 corin 13.. I've had tough times when all I could do was repeat over and over and over - "love bear all things believe all things hopes all things endures all thing.. love never fails"..