how to handle profanity

[lookinguptoo]

My 3 year old has picked up a bad word and nothing I do stops him from using it.   He does not use it for attention so ignoring it is not the answer.  He uses it towards other kids he does not like.  It is not only an embarassing problem for me but a troubling character problem that greatly concerns me about him.  No, my husband and I do NOT use this language, but he picked it up from 2 people, a kid from church (we now attend another church so that problem is solved but the memory and influence still lingers) and from his paternal grandmother (nonChristian) who uses it towards people she does not like which is how he learned how to USE the word, and this grandmother lives with us.  Keeping his grandmother silent is impossible so my focus has to be on my son only.  Has anyone else dealt with profanity effectively?

 

[LilyLamb]

My five year old suddenly used the word "stupid" which isn't profanity but I don't like it - I figured out where he got the word from (SpongeBob) and told him that he couldn't watch that show for a week - my 15 year old protested LOL and said that he would help keep and eye out for that and asked me to give my five year old a second chance - then he said that if his brother used the word again to ground *them* from the show for TWO weeks - I thought - okay, that's a good deal/bargain. That was yesterday. So we will see how that goes.

But the most important thing I did was to talk to him and say, there are some words that other people will use, either on TV or in person, that *we* do not say. I stressed that I do not want him to say those words. So he has been given his warning *and* explanation/reasoning for the warning.

If he were to use a bad word - profanity - then I would probably give him a small taste of vinegar - I'm sure I can get away with the first spoonful - the second one would be a threat to hopefully curb that behaviour. I have heard that you shouldn't use soap, because that can cause illness and even death.

Your three year old is not too young to understand "consequences" ... and the important thing is to emphasize that even though others may use that word *we* don't use it. Time outs, restrictions, no special treats, no dessert - all good punishments for this type of behavior.

NEVER smack the child across the face or slap the mouth - God does not do that to us - we should not use violent behavior to try to get a child to stop doing something - give the warnings - follow through with the discipline/punishment.

I'm curious to see what others will say.

 

[lucypevensie]

We've had a few problems with bad words around our house too. For a while my son (2 years old at the time) was saying the s-h-blank blank word! One thing you don't want to do is raise a huge stink every time they say a bad word. That just makes it more fun, to get a reaction from mom. But you should address it calmly and rationally. When I hear them use a bad word I tell them that some people say the word "dangit" (or whatever) but it's not nice word and it's not one we should say because we want to be good people. This has helped with my own kids.

 

[ChristDied4U!]

When I was little...I think my parents said that I went around calling kids at my daycare F-heads... ...so not cool!  But I think I was like maybe 4 or so at the time...and I didn't know any better.  I think I picked it up from one of my dad's ball-playing buddies.

Anyways I got my mouth washed out w/ soap...and my parents told me that I stopped saying it...so I turned out fine from it!

Ha...at least I think I did!... ...well Peace Out!

 

[paulewog]

My brothers had their mouths washed out with soap... not just for bad words, for talking back, and things like that. I never did

However, I was spanked :o

That usually fixed me up.

I'm not sure which was worse, waiting for the spanking or actually getting it...

 

[Reformationist]

Originally posted by lookinguptoo
My 3 year old has picked up a bad word and nothing I do stops him from using it.   He does not use it for attention so ignoring it is not the answer.  He uses it towards other kids he does not like.  It is not only an embarassing problem for me but a troubling character problem that greatly concerns me about him.  No, my husband and I do NOT use this language, but he picked it up from 2 people, a kid from church (we now attend another church so that problem is solved but the memory and influence still lingers) and from his paternal grandmother (nonChristian) who uses it towards people she does not like which is how he learned how to USE the word, and this grandmother lives with us.  Keeping his grandmother silent is impossible so my focus has to be on my son only.  Has anyone else dealt with profanity effectively?

I'm going to assume you've told your child not to say the word in question.  The issue here is that when you tell your child not to do something and they ignore you and do it anyway it is purely willful disobedience.  Even if they tell you, "I forgot," most of the time it is just plain negligence because they have not determined that it is important to follow the rules of your house.  All your child is doing is showing you that he will do what he wants regardless of what you say.  You need to establish who's will is "sovereign" in your household.  That means that both parents must present a united front, and the problem must be dealt with every time it happens.  Don't let it slide.  There is only one biblical method for dealing with willful disobedience.  That method is coporal punishment.  You child will learn, and learn quickly, that that behavior will result in a spanking, every time.  He will stop.

Your young children don't need to be reasoned with, bargined with or have deals made with them to get them to follow your rules.  When you start that type of parenting you are setting the standard for what that child should expect in the future.  They will only learn what you teach them.  And not dealing with them in an authoritative way is still teaching them something.  It's just teaching them something that you don't want them to learn.  Do you want to have to "make a deal" with your child everytime you tell them to do, or stop doing, something?

God bless

 

[Dewjunkie]

I heard a theory once that if you sit down and explain the words to your kids and ask them if they want you to use the words all the time, it may deter them in using them. This probably only applies to older children, and as I said, it's just a theory I heard. I think the reasoning behind it was once they think you might want to use them, the words become "uncool". I don't know, I haven't run into the issue yet.

 

[Sharky]

my mom when i was young threatend to rub chilli on my lips if i said a bad word

 

[Blynn]

My husband is a truck driver and he also has a truck driver mouth. It had become such a bad habit that I do not think that he realized he was doing it.

My daughter started to use profanity. When I told her that those words are not nice to say she said "but Daddy says them." I talked to my husband about his language and how it was affecting our daughter.

He had a talk with her and apologized to her. He told her that it was wrong for him to do it too and he promised to stop.

He stopped and she stopped. I just think that young children learn by example. I think it is worth a try to talk to your grandmother(at least ask her if she can stop using this word in front of your child), because your child is hearing this word from her.

 

[lookinguptoo]

I want to thank everyone for your replies. I think from reading all the good advise, I will try a more demonstrative approach as Reformationist suggested. I tried washing his mouth out with soap and he found that amusing. I tried the "our family does not speak that way" approach and in theory he agreed but in practice he did something else. I also tried explaining the word is bad and he clearly understood the meaning but continued to use it. I admit it is a little uphill struggle considering he hears it from his paternal grandmother, but that still does not make it right especially when he uses it in public towards other people which is a reason why I don't want to use a substitute word because even a substitute word used in anger towards another person is not appropriate and eventually it will harm our Christian witness and his ability to make good quality friends if he continues doing this when he is playing with others. So far the other mothers have been tolerant of my son, but I imagine eventually enough will be enough and they won't want their children to associate with him anymore if he continues so for his sake he really must stop. Thank you again for your advise and please pray for my son to get control over his tongue.

 

[lookinguptoo]

Blynn, you are absolutely right that example has a great impact on children's lives, but my mother-in-law is a story in herself which I will not go into at this time other than to say she is going to do what SHE wants to do regardless of anyone else. She is not a Christian so the concepts of good and bad are quite different in her eyes that what they are in ours. In fact, asking her not to use such language would be insulting to her. This is why I said I have to only deal with my son. If we could talk with her and get her support and reinforcement in helping raise our son in a good way, it would be best, but it is not reality, unfortunately. Anyway, I am glad to hear you were able to solve your problem so easily and your husband is so gentle and kind to apologize and understand the situation. It sounds like you have a good husband.

 

[Reformationist]

Originally posted by lookinguptoo
In fact, asking her not to use such language would be insulting to her.

Not to be nosey but doesn't she live with you?  It seems a bit insulting to you that she would show such callous disregard for your requests in your own home regarding your own child.  Maybe your husband should say something to her.

God bless

 

[lookinguptoo]

Yes, she lives with me, but as I said before she does her own thing regardless of what others say or think, but might I add she is not an American so her concept of a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is far different than what Americans or Christians might expect.

 

[Reformationist]

Originally posted by lookinguptoo
Yes, she lives with me, but as I said before she does her own thing regardless of what others say or think

Well, the only thing you can do about her behavior is be obedient to God's Word.  Do nice things for her.  It will be like heaping hot coals on her head (metaphorically of course )  Also, though it makes it more difficult, one thing children need to learn is just because someone else does something, even if that someone is you, doesn't give them liscense to do the same.  The rules are the rules, regardless of who breaks them.  You child need only strive to be obedient themselves.

might I add she is not an American so her concept of a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is far different than what Americans or Christians might expect.

Aha.  Yeah, well, that is difficult.  I have noticed that certain things like TACT seem to be missing from the makeup of many people from other countries.

God bless

 

 

 

[Million Pieces]

The worst thing I remember is my bright-eyed little daughter when she was about three couldn't say "tr"s well, so "truck" came out sounding, well, not nice!! All we could do was teach her to call it a pick-up and wait for her language skills to improve!

Our older son, however, caught on to saying "Oh my God" from his babysitter. He said it once when he was three as well, and I calmly said, that's not respecting God, and you will never hear daddy or I say it. He never said it again. Actually, a few years down the road, a friend of his was at our house and cussed, and my son plainly said to him, "We don't say words like that in our house." The very next time the friend said it again, I stepped in and said, "If you can't obey our house rules, I'm afraid you will not be allowed to come back to play." He never cussed again, but he was over every other day or so!!

Unfortunately, when you have a non-believing influence in your home, you have a new set of problems. It's harder to enforce rules like that. But like was said earlier, you have to maintain obedience just for the sake of obedience. I'm not sure how old your son is, perhaps he's old enough to understand, "You obey US, not Gramma. You get punished for using words like that. Gramma doesn't because she doesn't believe in God's rules, and she isn't our kid to have to obey."

 

[Reformationist]

Originally posted by Jn207
Unfortunately, when you have a non-believing influence in your home, you have a new set of problems. It's harder to enforce rules like that. But like was said earlier, you have to maintain obedience just for the sake of obedience. I'm not sure how old your son is, perhaps he's old enough to understand, "You obey US, not Gramma. You get punished for using words like that. Gramma doesn't because she doesn't believe in God's rules, and she isn't our kid to have to obey."

Very nicely put Jn207.

 

[CarolinaGirl24]

Its interesting. People have somehow forgotten the First Amendment. You know, the one that guarantees Freedom of Speech? There is no age limit on that right, hate to tell you. One interesting fact, when I was 11th grade, my English teacher taught us the meaning of a lot of these supposed "cuss words" and they really are not that bad. In fact, some on here seem to also forget that some of those SAME words are also in the Bible. Read the Bible and you'll know which ones I am referring to.

 

[Reformationist]

Originally posted by CarolinaGirl24
Its interesting. People have somehow forgotten the First Amendment. You know, the one that guarantees Freedom of Speech? There is no age limit on that right, hate to tell you.

Well CarolinaGirl, I don't hate to tell you, your "constitutional rights" do not give you the right to infringe upon the rights of others.  And, in case you haven't done that much studying of the forefathers of this country and the societal implications of proper parenting, which when the constitution was written, most definitely included coporal punishment, a child's right to "freedom of speech" was not an issue.  In that time period, parents knew better than the child what the child needed to grow into a God loving, God fearing, contributory, well-adjusted member of society.

One interesting fact, when I was 11th grade, my English teacher taught us the meaning of a lot of these supposed "cuss words" and they really are not that bad. In fact, some on here seem to also forget that some of those SAME words are also in the Bible. Read the Bible and you'll know which ones I am referring to.

You don't have children do you?  If you do, have you ever had your child speak profanity because they have no concept of what they are saying?  What would be better in your opinion?  Should we sit our five year old down and tell her why it's impolite to say certain words?  I agree that a child can make the mistake of repeating things without malicious intent.  However, after they've been told not to say certain things should they then be allowed to say it because it's their constitutional right?  I've got three children.  Constitution or not, my wife and I are the one who makes the rules as to what's acceptable for them to say.

God bless

 

[CarolinaGirl24]

As a matter of fact, I work with young children. My cousins, a lot of whom are under the age of 10, have no concept of what "cuss words" really are. I went out to dinner one night with 2 of them, who were maybe 6 and 8 at the time. They had been watching who knows what on TV, mainly watching for Cheetos commercials, of all things, most of the day, because the weather was lousy and there really wasn't a whole lot else to do. Well we were driving in the city that night, and some you know what cut me off getting on the freeway, nearly causing me to get rearended. Thankfully the guy behind me stopped in time. Anyway, the 8 year old screams "YOU S for brains" at the guy who had nearly caused us to wreck. How did I handle it? At the time, I felt the same way. However, later, after I had taken some time to calm down, I told my cousins what my teacher had told me and the rest of my 11th grade classmates. That these supposed "cuss words" were not that bad, they just weren't the nicest words in the world. That you should always find something else to try and express what you are feeling, but in the heat of the moment you might just slip and say a "cuss word." And thankfully, under the laws of our Democracy, no one can throw you in jail for it!

I know some people cuss just to cuss, however I figure if a NYC firefighter can yell "HOLY S---" when he sees a jumbo jet crash into a skyscraper, that people are going to continue to cuss and that is one of the MAIN reasons we have the FREEDOM of SPEECH that we have always enjoyed in this nation.

 

[VOW]

To Carolina:

"Freedom of Speech" only applies to the United States. Once my family and I have crossed the threshold of our home, we are all in FAMILY LAND, where Mom and Dad are dictators for life. Things go OUR WAY, or the offending person is invited to emigrate to another FAMILY LAND.

Period.

My house, my way.


Peace,
~VOW