I've been in an on/off relationship for 3 years with a non-Christian. The relationship has been very turbulent including violence, drugs and alcohol, and other women. The break-ups became more frequent the past year and he would go off and drink heavily for a weekend then come back to me when he felt like it. Anyway he treated me terribly and I just accepted it for years cause I love him and I thought he loved me. The relationship has come to an end with him cheating and deciding the relationship was over without even telling me. He's just decided to start seeing someone else and won't return my calls or messages. I'm not saying I'm innocent in this relationship, I drink quite heavily and will bring up how little I trust him after a few drinks which leads to half of the arguements, the other half are just him deliberately arguing with me so he can go out and take drugs, then get back together with me when he runs out of money. To be honest the relationship is a complete disaster but I love this man and genuinely believed him every time he said he'd change. I just need help getting over him now. I don't seem to have managed before but I really can't live like this any more. I already suffer from depression and his treatment of me is causing me to be physically ill from stress. I am not coping very well and need some good advice.
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How to get over someone?
- Thread starter Nice Dream
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- Jul 2, 2006
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I don't think I can. I don't really want to jump from one man to another for one and even if I did want that I lived with this man for 3 years and have never been unfaithful to him. We were going to get married and I'm still in a mindset where I cannot contemplate being with anyone else. I never talked to any other men during our relationship and I lost friends cause I devoted myself entirely to him and he was very controlling of my behaviour. So I'm pretty much on my own here, although there have been men who have an interest in me those bridges are burned as have those with my friends so I have no opportunity to go out and meet new people. I'm lucky I still have my family left.
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If Not For Grace
Legend-but then so's Keith Richards
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The answer is to realize who YOU are and that YOU ARE SOMEBODY!
You are a child of God,(highest honor) A Human Being (Deserving of decent treatment).
Do not accept for yourself, what you would pity for others. No one deserves to be
treated they way you were.
NOW-based on the items above, realize that you have to have some criteria. You don't just go out w/someone becasue they ask you (menaing you're lonely), or because they are cute, or have a nice car or money or are willing to take you where you want to go.
There is a choice involved in relationships & you get to make them. Have some criteria for your friends as well. Stand for something. You would look at several colleges before selecting one, or cars before buying one-have at least as much respect for yourself. That is not wrong.
We are not to cast our pearls before swine (lest what? Look it up.)
Even Jesus had his inner circle-& we must chose those people carefully. Poor
choices equal poor results. (If you chose a man who takes a drink ocassionally, at SOME point, he is likely to get drunk ocassionally, could become an alcoholic-is that what you would CHOSE, well if you do, you are inviting an extra chance at problems --the same is true about
Married People-if they cheat w/you; they'll likely cheat ON you.
Most People w/o Jobs, Money or transportation-have poor education, management skills-Chose those who have skills for your inner circle.
When you do get married (& you will) remember it's for WORSE. I mean that, we all think it will get better, but Marriage is a lifelong committment & Men usually die 1st (statistically) & that usually means some kind of nasty perhaps longterm illness. That's when the relationship that was has to sustain you through what is yet to come. I can promise you that part is never plesant or easy.
You are wise I can see that by the fact that you are NOT willing to just jump in & replace one relationship with another. But that is usually a mistake (I can't even replace a puppy with another, but I digress) That's what we call rebounding & it usually hurts someone. Besides if you don't learn to make different choices, you will net the same type guy (just in other clothes) & you don't want that.
Make a list of your GOOD traits, your interests & start by finding someone w/similar
character. A Man needs more than a GED & a valid driver's license to hold my attention, how bout you?
You are a child of God,(highest honor) A Human Being (Deserving of decent treatment).
Do not accept for yourself, what you would pity for others. No one deserves to be
treated they way you were.
NOW-based on the items above, realize that you have to have some criteria. You don't just go out w/someone becasue they ask you (menaing you're lonely), or because they are cute, or have a nice car or money or are willing to take you where you want to go.
There is a choice involved in relationships & you get to make them. Have some criteria for your friends as well. Stand for something. You would look at several colleges before selecting one, or cars before buying one-have at least as much respect for yourself. That is not wrong.
We are not to cast our pearls before swine (lest what? Look it up.)
Even Jesus had his inner circle-& we must chose those people carefully. Poor
choices equal poor results. (If you chose a man who takes a drink ocassionally, at SOME point, he is likely to get drunk ocassionally, could become an alcoholic-is that what you would CHOSE, well if you do, you are inviting an extra chance at problems --the same is true about
Married People-if they cheat w/you; they'll likely cheat ON you.
Most People w/o Jobs, Money or transportation-have poor education, management skills-Chose those who have skills for your inner circle.
When you do get married (& you will) remember it's for WORSE. I mean that, we all think it will get better, but Marriage is a lifelong committment & Men usually die 1st (statistically) & that usually means some kind of nasty perhaps longterm illness. That's when the relationship that was has to sustain you through what is yet to come. I can promise you that part is never plesant or easy.
You are wise I can see that by the fact that you are NOT willing to just jump in & replace one relationship with another. But that is usually a mistake (I can't even replace a puppy with another, but I digress) That's what we call rebounding & it usually hurts someone. Besides if you don't learn to make different choices, you will net the same type guy (just in other clothes) & you don't want that.
Make a list of your GOOD traits, your interests & start by finding someone w/similar
character. A Man needs more than a GED & a valid driver's license to hold my attention, how bout you?
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I see what you mean with expectations etc but money or qualifications are really not an issue in the sense of my choice in partner. Morality and general decenecy overrule in that sense. I have no formal education myself but I don't think that would make or break my opportunities in dating anyone and if it did I'd count myself lucky not to be in a relationship with that person. Don't get me wrong i agree with a lot of what you said but some seems to link morality with money or a good education which despite my non-socialist inclinations I can't help but disagree with.
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joey_downunder
big sister
It is great you have family for support. Are you getting counselling or treatment for your depression?
You sound like you may have been in quite an abusive relationship. Do you know that they actually have an explanation of why abuse or trauma victims still love or defend people who hurt them? Stockholm syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
You sound like you may have been in quite an abusive relationship. Do you know that they actually have an explanation of why abuse or trauma victims still love or defend people who hurt them? Stockholm syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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We have continued the relationship. I do love this man very deeply and whether this is from God or not I don't know. Recently I feel i've been getting mixed signs. He has had his usual behaviour of disappearing for weekends, but often i've begged God to give me a very clear sign as to whether me and this man are really meant to be.
One night my boyfriend said 'i think sometimes I should try and find god I'm jealous of people who have that'. I think he's incredibly lost sometimes. I feel quite lost myself and I need to get some strength from him, and instead he's draining what little I have from me, or perhaps I underestimate myself.
See, I'm quite tempted to find a church and attend it cause I think if I do I might be able to persuade him to go but I'm scared, really insanely scared of going to a church for the first time in my life alone in order to find one. I was raised Christian, but my parents never attended church since I was around 5. I find social situations very difficult and suffer from very severe depression which my boyfriend also does not understand. I just am not sure how to approach this or whether I should even continue this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.
One night my boyfriend said 'i think sometimes I should try and find god I'm jealous of people who have that'. I think he's incredibly lost sometimes. I feel quite lost myself and I need to get some strength from him, and instead he's draining what little I have from me, or perhaps I underestimate myself.
See, I'm quite tempted to find a church and attend it cause I think if I do I might be able to persuade him to go but I'm scared, really insanely scared of going to a church for the first time in my life alone in order to find one. I was raised Christian, but my parents never attended church since I was around 5. I find social situations very difficult and suffer from very severe depression which my boyfriend also does not understand. I just am not sure how to approach this or whether I should even continue this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.
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I have been through some of this. Sounds like this guy is emotionally abusive and possibly has a narcissistic personality disorder. I would tell him, request of him to go see a professional councilor with you. He will not change on his own, and sometimes even praying that he will change will not help. Although God can do anything, you should not expect your boyfriend to change, or that God will some how make him see the light. This is denial, and it's often seen in emotionally abusive relationships. He might say that he's going to change, but he probably won't. If your boyfriend will not see a counselor, I would suggest you gather the courage to leave him. It's a very difficult decision, but he is obviously not respecting you. He might have even convinced you that you can't find anyone better than he for you, this is false.
This is a guy who controls you, split you off from your friends, and clearly does not respect your feelings, needs or wants. It is not his fault, he may have been brought up a particular way and had some past childhood experiences that lead him to behave the way he does. But I suggest you request that he gets therapy with you and if he doesn't even want to do that, or even shows no sign of significantly trying, you must consider leave him for your own good.
You also should abandon the idea that there is this soul mate out there that God has created just for you. Yes, God has created persons that we can have close intimate connections with, and he may give you signs that he wants you to be with that person he created. But there is no perfect mate out there just for you, this can create tension in your relationship when your partner does not turn out to be so perfect and fails to meet your expectation.
It seems to me, however, that this guy is not changing. This guy is also draining you and does not respect you. You seem to have the appropriate warning signs, and to me the repeated cheating on you was an indication that God is signaling you that you were not meant to be together.
This is a guy who controls you, split you off from your friends, and clearly does not respect your feelings, needs or wants. It is not his fault, he may have been brought up a particular way and had some past childhood experiences that lead him to behave the way he does. But I suggest you request that he gets therapy with you and if he doesn't even want to do that, or even shows no sign of significantly trying, you must consider leave him for your own good.
You also should abandon the idea that there is this soul mate out there that God has created just for you. Yes, God has created persons that we can have close intimate connections with, and he may give you signs that he wants you to be with that person he created. But there is no perfect mate out there just for you, this can create tension in your relationship when your partner does not turn out to be so perfect and fails to meet your expectation.
It seems to me, however, that this guy is not changing. This guy is also draining you and does not respect you. You seem to have the appropriate warning signs, and to me the repeated cheating on you was an indication that God is signaling you that you were not meant to be together.
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