How to get husband to open up

[Abana]

I just don't know how to get my husband to talk to me. What can I do to get him to open up to me?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Have you tried talking to him?

 

[Avniel]

Take an interest in things he likes

 

[LinkH]

Try talking about baseball if he's into that.

 

[Bro in Christ]

If it a difficult subject ... Use your womanly charm.... And do not judge if you want the truth... Be kind .... Lots of ways

 

[Niffer]

Have you told him that you feel he won't open up, and you're confused as to why?
A lot of men "shut themselves up" as a defensive mechanism. They don't talk or share to keep from getting hurt.
Could that possibly be the problem?

 

[JohnDB]

Ask questions with a hint of flattery.
Ask about the people he works with and around.
Ask for advice. Men are natural "fixers".

 

[americanvet]

Flattering a man's ego can get him going. As others have said things he likes. Whatever he spends his spare time doing as a hobby would be a good place to start. The bedroom would be a good place to finish to.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Anybody else thinking of that Dianne Warwick song right about now?

"You gotta show him that you care just for him
And do the things that he likes to do
Wear your hair just for him..."

Flattery and sex don't coax out conversations in the long term. They boost egos and satisfy physical intimacy... Nobody should have to talk up their husband and have sex with them for simple interaction. Especially since sex as an ice-breaker... It's almost cliched how much that doesn't work.

The expectation shouldn't be that you confirm to him for interaction, it's that you guys work together and interaction happens. If that's not happening, time to figure out why. Talk to him, ask what's going on, encourage a dialogue. Sex and compliments are well and good, but after awhile, jumping through so many hoops for something you should be getting anyway will feel like begging.

 

[contango]

I just don't know how to get my husband to talk to me. What can I do to get him to open up to me?

Without knowing your situation it's hard to know why he's not talking, so I'll throw out a few possibilities. Just to be clear I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, just putting out a few reasons why he might not be talking a whole lot.

Do you listen to him? If whenever he talks he feels (rightly or wrongly) that you aren't listening the chances are he'll consider talking to you to be a waste of his breath and save it. If you ask his advice on stuff and then appear to ignore it, don't be surprised if he doesn't have much to say next time you ask for advice.

Does he feel that what he has to say is interesting? A lot of the time life can seem pretty dull, and if he does a job that you don't understand he may feel there's no point in telling you about his day because you wouldn't understand anyway. I worked in IT for over a decade and rapidly learned there was no point telling my wife about my day in any detail because it went straight over her head. By contrast she works with disabled people and I've met several of them so when she tells me how Bill said this or Julie did that I've got some kind of connection to it.

What sort of talking are you expecting from him? From a man's perspective it often seems like women talk just to see how many words they can use up whereas men tend to talk to accomplish something specific. Where women use talking as a form of social bonding men are often less verbal. A bunch of guys can get a sense of social bonding by sitting around a fire drinking beer even if they aren't saying much, whereas I suspect a bunch of women sitting around drinking beer and not saying much would leave everyone wondering why nobody wanted to talk to them.

Related to the above, when problems are discussed men tend to talk around the problem with a view to solving it whereas women often talk about a problem with a view to just sharing. If a woman talks about a problem expecting a bit of empathy and support while the man approaches the discussion looking to solve the problem the conversation runs at cross purposes until one side (typically the man, being the less conversational of the two) gives up because he's being presented with a problem by someone who doesn't want a solution. From his perspective it's like taking a car to a mechanic, telling them how it doesn't run very smoothly, but not wanting them to actually fix the car.

Did something specific happen that caused a change? If he used to be quite chatty but now isn't, when did things change? I'm assuming if it were a major life event (death of parents, redundancy etc) you'd know about it and have considered it. But if it's something you don't necessarily know about perhaps trying to gently talk about situations to see if there is something there you should know about. That leads on to...

Does he know you're by his side come what may? It might sound obvious but if he's of the opinion that his job is to provide for you, to protect you, and to make problems go away for you, then if he's in a place where that role is threatened he might feel inadequate, like he's failed you in some way. For example, if he's facing a high chance of being laid off in the future and you're still earning a good income then he could potentially see it as you doing your job as the wife while also doing his job as the husband, and him therefore adding no value to the relationship. If that's the case then he needs to know that you love him for who he is rather than for what he does for you.

 

[tannicv2]

I just don't know how to get my husband to talk to me. What can I do to get him to open up to me?

Does he trust you?

Don't know about others but I will not open up to anyone I don't trust.

 

[Abana]

I think he trusts me. He just doesn't engage in any dialog. He doesn't talk about anything at all to anyone really.

 

[tannicv2]

Trust issues bottom line(from my understanding). If he's anything like myself, I don't trust people easily due to past hurts and things I went through before graduating out of high school. So it's very possible that his guard is up OR he has things on his mind he doesn't want to talk about in fear that they will upset you. In other words, he doesn't want you screaming at him.

 

[Abana]

Screaming isn't in the composition of our relationship. It troubles me to think that he might be carrying a burden that he feels like he can't share to the point that he withholds from natural expression through conversation.

 

[tannicv2]

Screaming isn't in the composition of our relationship. It troubles me to think that he might be carrying a burden that he feels like he can't share to the point that he withholds from natural expression through conversation.

Possible but never know. Summing up what others have post, have you two done anything together? fun stuff like see a movie?

 

[Abana]

Oh yes. We see movies, take walks together, go out to eat and play games a lot. He just doesn't engage in conversation.

 

[tannicv2]

Question: Has he ever said anything wrong?

 

[Abana]

No. Not that I can think of.

 

[tannicv2]

From experience I was afraid to say something wrong or he might not have much to say. Hmmm

Flattering a man's ego can get him going. As others have said things he likes. Whatever he spends his spare time doing as a hobby would be a good place to start.

Americavet is right. Showing interest in his hobbies is a good place to start and go on from there.

 

[Bro in Christ]

Tie him down in bed and Chinese torcher him