How to get a wife

Strong in Him · Jul 2, 2023

tonychanyt said:
I did it for efficiency reasons to save time, effort, and feelings.

Well I'm glad that turned out alright for you, but it sounds like a very clinical approach.
You didn't "chase" a girl you were interested in - because it was too much effort, might have led to your feelings being hurt and was quicker to let her come to you?
Poor lady.

tonychanyt · Jul 2, 2023

Strong in Him said:
Well I'm glad that turned out alright for you, but it sounds like a very clinical approach.
You didn't "chase" a girl you were interested in - because it was too much effort, might have led to your feelings being hurt and was quicker to let her come to you?
Poor lady.

Something like that. It's my personality. I try to be efficient in just about all aspects of my behaviors. Whenever I start something, I usually finish it

Strong in Him · Jul 2, 2023

tonychanyt said:
Something like that. It's my personality. I try to be efficient in just about all aspects of my behaviors. Whenever I start something, I usually finish it

Which isn't a bad thing to do.
But in relationships you are dealing with real people and their emotions, which can't always be hurried along just because it's more convenient for you.

DragonFox91 · Jul 2, 2023

tonychanyt said:
Where is that section?

I think the heading is "Life Stages". There's ones for Teenagers, Marrieds, older people (who still have young hearts )etc.

tonychanyt said:
I think so also but I do not insist others put so much weight on this as I do

I kind of understand. You had a want, did what God wanted in your life & you were willing to accept that & reciprocate it, & God met that want. That is something noble to share.

tonychanyt said:
I did not find my wife at 25.

I'm sorry, there were several ages mentioned. Pardon my incomprehension! It does seem like it happened relatively quick, tho. It's not like you were 40 or 50, right? Or am I wrong on that too

tonychanyt said:
I did it for efficiency reasons to save time, effort, and feelings.

You did it right. It is good.

tonychanyt · Jul 2, 2023

tonychanyt said:
The following is not some theory. I actually did it and it worked for me

Study hard. Work hard.

Save money. Don't indulge yourself except on special occasions.

Seek God's kingdom first. Find a home church. Participate in the programs that you enjoy.

Keep fit. Exercise regularly. Run a marathon. I ran a few. That was how I tried to deal with the sexual urges: redirection and marathons.

I attended church every Sunday, morning and evening. Attended IVCF every Thursday; Overseas Chinese Christian Association every Friday; plus other Christian programs, Bible study groups, retreats, outreaches, etc. in order to meet girls.

When did I start dating? When I was 25 years old, I thought I was ready. I had $6,000 (1985 CAD) in my bank account. I thought I could get my PhD degree, no problem. Basically, I thought I had the money and the spare time from my work and study. The very first time in my life I asked a girl out, she said yes I didn't marry this one. A few years later, I met another girl who became my wife. I was 32 when I got married. She is the only woman that I have ever kissed.

Godly women are attracted to a Christian man like that. Don't chase them but let them come to you. When a woman shows interest in you, take initiative and ask her out if you are interested in her.

How important is a woman's virginity? To me, it was a must but it is up to you. Lady Diana was a virgin when she married. But then, she had an affair with the art dealer Oliver Hoare while being the husband of Prince Charles.

How important is physical attraction? That depends on you. For me, it was quite important and I had a minimum requirement. It was a necessary condition but not sufficient. I was lucky. I ended up marrying the most beautiful girl that I had ever laid my eyes on.

I didn't go out with a girl that I had no intention of marrying. Still, it is best to treat your Christian dates as sisters in Christ. This also means that I was never interested in more than one girl at the same time. BTW, I had never initiated to dump a girl either.

Pray that you will marry the one who loves God and you the most. Pray regularly that God's will be done overriding your own liking of women. Prayed particularly intensely before you ask a woman to marry you. I was 31 years old, a virgin, marrying another virgin.

tonychanyt · Jul 2, 2023

DragonFox91 said:
I'm sorry, there were several ages mentioned.

I was 31.5 years old when I got married

DragonFox91 · Jul 2, 2023

tonychanyt said:
I was 32 when I got married

Well that should've been more clear, sir!!! I'm 31 right now & panic sometimes (a lot?) but think I'm getting there........

& despite saying not being able to see how you were tested or tried, it still came very obvious to me you were doing things you may not've wanted to do, probably sometimes it did seem like a waste, & growing in ways that may've seemed like it was taking time. How encouraging!

timewerx · Jul 3, 2023

tonychanyt said:
Can you quote me where I assert that?

Yes I did quote you on my previous reply to you. You didn't see?

It bothered me that you would attend church every Sunday and participate in many church activities in order to meet girls. Shouldn't we be doing these things to know more about the Lord and to fellowship with believers, treating each other like brothers and sisters and not as potential spouses?

I hope you didn't mean it and we're simply lost in translation and interpretation because your statement came up as red flag to me as inappropriate behavior or goal as a Christian.

While it's perfectly OK to meet a girl in church or bible study or other church activities, it shouldn't be the reason you go to church or participate in church activities. It corrupts essence of brotherly and sisterly fellowshipping when we get together for the Lord's sake and not to meet girls.

I'll quote it again for you:

5. I attended church every Sunday, morning and evening. Attended IVCF every Thursday; Overseas Chinese Christian Association every Friday; plus other Christian programs, Bible study groups, retreats, outreaches, etc. in order to meet girls.

In another format:

5. I attended church every Sunday, morning and evening. Attended IVCF every Thursday; Overseas Chinese Christian Association every Friday; plus other Christian programs, Bible study groups, retreats, outreaches, etc. in order to meet girls.

Link to your post where you said it (tip #5):

How to get a wife

See How to get a wife

www.christianforums.com

Citanul · Jul 3, 2023

tonychanyt said:
The following is not some theory. I actually did it and it worked for me

It may have worked for you, but that doesn't mean that it'll work for somebody else. Everybody is different, with different traits and personalities, encountering different people in different circumstances. There isn't a single method that will lead to someone finding a partner, and there are plenty of married people who didn't do any of the things on your list.

timewerx · Jul 3, 2023

dzheremi said:
My other post in this thread was silly, but I really agree with timewerx here. Not all churches even do western-style dating in the first place (mine doesn't), so it wouldn't occur to them to go to church to find a woman. I remember a long time ago I was asked a friend from church how Coptic people are expected to marry in a country like the USA, with such a small Coptic population. He set me straight! From memory, he said something like "Do you come to church for a girl, or for God?" Point taken.

I think even members in a western-style dating church would not admit they go to church to get a date even if they go to church to meet girls because they know it's wrong even if they do it. They might admit it to a close friend or a close family member but not to strangers and not in a forum board.

I have only ever heard of few instances of another Christian who admit they go to church to meet girls. One in this thread and a few way way back in my teens when I was in the teen ministry. However, those in the teen ministry were immature or "infant Christians" because they barely read the Bible, fresh from accepting the Lord and only heard very little of God's Word.

Although many Christians meet their spouse in church and there's nothing wrong with that, it shouldn't be the reason we go to church.

I've attended church since the age of 8 years old. I saw the members get older, marry each other, have kids, get old, and eventually die in the same church I've attended with my parents for many years. If they only went to church to meet girls, they might have left the church when they finally met someone and got married but they stayed so obviously, they went to church for other reasons. I never found anyone interesting enough (for my unique personality) to meet in church but I still kept on attending the same church because meeting girls wasn't my reason for going to church, I simply wanted to hear more of God's Words and to honor my parents.

So maybe, it wasn't the OP's intention or even possibly a typo on his part or something unique to the Canadian culture.

timewerx · Jul 3, 2023

Citanul said:
there are plenty of married people who didn't do any of the things on your list.

True, saw many good marriage between members who married each other in the church who were pretty average. The "average Janes and Joes".

No need to work hard unless you just love to work hard. If working hard is your medicine then do it. Else, just do your best but don't force things to happen.

tonychanyt · Jul 3, 2023

tonychanyt said:
The following is not some theory. I actually did it and it worked for me

Study hard. Work hard.

Save money. Don't indulge yourself except on special occasions.

Seek God's kingdom first. Find a home church. Participate in the programs that you enjoy.

Keep fit. Exercise regularly. Run a marathon. I ran a few. That was how I tried to deal with the sexual urges: redirection and marathons.

I attended church every Sunday, morning and evening. Attended IVCF every Thursday; Overseas Chinese Christian Association every Friday; plus other Christian programs, Bible study groups, retreats, outreaches, etc.

When did I start dating? When I was 25 years old, I thought I was ready. I had $6,000 (1985 CAD) in my bank account. I thought I could get my PhD degree, no problem. Basically, I thought I had the money and the spare time from my work and study. The very first time in my life I asked a girl out, she said yes I didn't marry this one. A few years later, I met another girl who became my wife. She is the only woman that I have ever kissed.

Godly women are attracted to a Christian man like that. Don't chase them but let them come to you. When a woman shows interest in you, take initiative and ask her out if you are interested in her.

How important is a woman's virginity? To me, it was a must but it is up to you. Lady Diana was a virgin when she married. But then, she had an affair with the art dealer Oliver Hoare while being the husband of Prince Charles.

How important is physical attraction? That depends on you. For me, it was quite important and I had a minimum requirement. It was a necessary condition but not sufficient. I was lucky. I ended up marrying the most beautiful girl that I had ever laid my eyes on.

I didn't go out with a girl that I had no intention of marrying. Still, it is best to treat your Christian dates as sisters in Christ. This also means that I was never interested in more than one girl at the same time. BTW, I had never initiated to dump a girl either.

Pray that you will marry the one who loves God and you the most. Pray regularly that God's will be done overriding your own liking of women. Prayed particularly intensely before you ask a woman to marry you. I was 31.5 years old, a virgin, marrying another virgin.

tonychanyt · Jul 3, 2023

timewerx said:
Yes I did quote you on my previous reply to you. You didn't see?

It bothered me that you would attend church every Sunday and participate in many church activities in order to meet girls. Shouldn't we be doing these things to know more about the Lord and to fellowship with believers, treating each other like brothers and sisters and not as potential spouses?

I hope you didn't mean it and we're simply lost in translation and interpretation because your statement came up as red flag to me as inappropriate behavior or goal as a Christian.

While it's perfectly OK to meet a girl in church or bible study or other church activities, it shouldn't be the reason you go to church or participate in church activities. It corrupts essence of brotherly and sisterly fellowshipping when we get together for the Lord's sake and not to meet girls.

I'll quote it again for you:

In another format:

5. I attended church every Sunday, morning and evening. Attended IVCF every Thursday; Overseas Chinese Christian Association every Friday; plus other Christian programs, Bible study groups, retreats, outreaches, etc. in order to meet girls.

Link to your post where you said it (tip #5):

How to get a wife

See How to get a wife

www.christianforums.com

Good point. I deleted the offending phrase in the OP. Thanks

timewerx · Jul 3, 2023

tonychanyt said:
Good point. I deleted the offending phrase in the OP. Thanks

Thank you! but you haven't removed it yet. Perhaps you meant to remove it later? OK by me too.

Or did you somehow delete the wrong line? I'm only concerned about your tip #5 in the red and bolded text:

5. I attended church every Sunday, morning and evening. Attended IVCF every Thursday; Overseas Chinese Christian Association every Friday; plus other Christian programs, Bible study groups, retreats, outreaches, etc. in order to meet girls.

tonychanyt · Jul 3, 2023

timewerx said:
Thank you! but you haven't removed it yet. Perhaps you meant to remove it later? OK by me too.

Or did you somehow delete the wrong line? I'm only concerned about your tip #5 in the red and bolded text:

5. I attended church every Sunday, morning and evening. Attended IVCF every Thursday; Overseas Chinese Christian Association every Friday; plus other Christian programs, Bible study groups, retreats, outreaches, etc. in order to meet girls.

Strange. I just deleted it again. Please check. Thanks.

timewerx · Jul 3, 2023

tonychanyt said:
Strange. I just deleted it again. Please check. Thanks.

You did it, thanks! Yes, that is strange you have to delete it twice, conflicting memories between parallel realities, it happens!

ViaCrucis · Jul 4, 2023

Human beings are complex creatures, there's no magical formula when it comes to relationships. That goes for all kinds of relationships.

What one person does, if it works for them and the person they met, that's great. But that doesn't mean it's going to work for everyone else. Every person is different, all relationships are different, the pathways that individuals and couples take are diverse and many.

Perhaps this is, at least in part, because I'm in the process of getting older now--I'm in my 40's--and I am single; and I simply have more lived experience than I did when I was still in my 20's. But when I look back at how much energy I put into trying to find a romantic partner, and how I focused on that and trying to figure out how to do that--it feels like a lot of wasted energy that I should have spent elsewhere.

I have reached a point in my life, and I am speaking just personally here, that if I find someone and get married, that's great; and if I never do--that's also great. The Church has always celebrated two expressions of sexuality: marriage and chaste celibacy.

It's okay to be single. One is not lesser because they aren't married. Marriage is, and can be, a wonderful and beautiful thing. But it's perfectly wonderful and beautiful to be single, Scripture itself bears testimony to the goodness of the celibate life. Both our Lord Jesus Christ, and His Apostle St. Paul spoke about that.

There isn't a magic formula, there's no program one can go through to find "the one". People are messy, people are complicated, relationships take work and energy and love; and we're all fallen--that means we are bound to screw up, bound to make mistakes, and relationships may not survive some of those mistakes. Growing in love and maturity of faith, trusting in God's grace and the healing of that grace as we grow and evolve as Christian people is vitally important. Don't force "finding someone", that will likely not only hurt yourself, but will probably hurt others as well; let relationships happen and evolve organically, walk side-by-side in the Lord, pray, trust in grace, and remain near to the Cross. Whether as a single or as a couple, let all things happen and unfold in love, faith, and mercy.

-CryptoLutheran

anetazo · Jul 9, 2023

I wouldn't. Majority of people are morally bankrupt. Read Roman's chapter 1, second Timothy chapter 3. Christian would have to compromise their values and beliefs. That's bad news. James chapter 6, Christian people are to study the bible and plant seeds for God. It's producing fruit. What spirtual value would so called Christian be to Jesus if they are biblically illiterate. Get the picture. It's those who do will of God. Jesus has no use for biblically illiterate people. Christian people are supposed to have spirtual growth. Think it over.

tonychanyt · Jul 9, 2023

anetazo said:
I wouldn't.

You wouldn't what? The context is missing.

timewerx · Jul 9, 2023

tonychanyt said:
You wouldn't what? The context is missing.

I think he's talking about math. Have you read the chapters he wrote in his post?

It would seem those chapters are saying most people are indeed morally corrupt.

If that is true then it goes to say that most Christians are also hypocrites are not really saved. Only Christian by label but not at heart.

So. If you really are saved and considering to marry then you have higher probability of marrying a bad seed. Ironically Paul did strongly implicated that by marrying, you (either as a real Christian or a Christian by label only) are much more likely to be corrupted by your spouse.

You see Paul's attitude towards marriage is more negative than positive. We won't be seeing Paul promoting marriage as he made his position very clear on that matter.

If you noticed Paul's scriptures are rather chaotic is because he dealt with a lot of issues with converted Gentiles who used used to very worldly, very materialistic and many of these converts are confused whether they could continue being worldly and such.

Sadly, we have a lot less preachers today who are like Paul and not stand guard against worldliness so Christians end up being hypocrites. They read one thing in the Bible, know what Christ teaches but does exactly the opposite and still remain worldly or friends with the world.

How to get a wife

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